The dog is on to something...

Have you ever noticed that pets lay it all on the line?  I mean, with feelings and emotions.  There is no question.  You know what they're feeling because they show it, without thinking it's wrong.  Because really, it's not wrong to feel.  It's completely normal (here I go with that "normal" word again, for whatever it means) to feel and to show feelings.  But for some stupid reason, we've been trained to hide them.

Yesterday, Lucy cried/whined all day.  She wandered our new apartment and whined.  She sat at the door and cried.  She looked out the window and cried.  She just whined and cried all.day.long.  While my first instinct was to get mad, I now have realized that she's showing what I'm feeling.  I yelled at her, put her in her crate, told her to stop but she wouldn't.  She just kept up the whining and crying.

She wanted to go home.

Kinley has been uneasy in our new "home" as well.  It's an adjustment for all of us.

And while I know that I'm thrilled that we're out of the townhouse....this move is just another transition that we're having to deal with.  And transition is not easy.  Not on a dog, not on a baby and not on a family.

This place is homey.  My friend, often referred to as "bestie", helped us move and she agreed that this place is much homier than our last place.  She thinks we'll be really happy here.  I believe her.  I'm just having a hard time getting to that point.  I'm still in the shock phase, I think.

I look around and see our stuff scattered about and the organization is non-existent.  I'm very Type A and need organization.  So right now, I'm on high alert and so easily irritated.  Which in turn is not making this transition any easier. 

The biggest problem is that we went from 1700 sq. ft. to 1000 sq. ft.  Reminds of "fat guy in a little coat"....you know what I'm talking about. 

It's nearly impossible to make it not cluttered!

So I'm working hard to make it work.  I'm really trying.  My bestie was trying to help me make sense of this cluttered mess and she suggested putting one of our bookcases next to this curio (that I really dislike but feel obligated to have because my grandma gave it to me).  Well, I immediately said no, they can't sit next to each other because the woods don't match.  (Ummmm, yeah, I'm like that)  She reminded me that I'm living with what will work, not with perfection.  She's right.  We're not here to win a spread in Better Homes and Gardens magazine.  They aren't going to come knocking at my apartment door wanting to do a photo shoot of my nicely wood matched furniture and beautiful furniture (that was purchased for comfort, not beauty).  Joy, GET OVER IT.

So I swallowed my pride and kicked myself in the butt (not literally, although that would be funny to watch me trying) and agreed that this next year is about survival.  I'm living in a simpler way and trying to simplify.  Yeah.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Don't waste my precious time and energy worrying about a bookcase not matching a curio.  Seriously. Worry about time for school or time for my family or time for myself. 

It's been tough, I'm not going to lie.  But I'm determined to not let this move get the best of me.  I'm tackling one box at a time.  One room at a time.  It will get done.  And it may not be today or tomorrow...but it will get done. 

We did make it to Church ABC this morning and again, it reaffirmed my decision that we've found the most amazing church community.  Seeing those five guys show up yesterday at our doorstep to sweep in and make our move the most effortless....it was God at work.  I don't know if I've completely wrapped my mind around it quite yet.  But I do know that I've never met a more generous and loving community.  I feel blessed. 

Read the writing on the wall

I got this from LAH at Diving Into Love. 

 

So all you have to do it get out a piece of paper and answer these questions:

1. What's your name / blogger name?

2. What's your blog's URL?

3. Write "The quick fox jumps over the lazy dog."

4. Favorite quote?

5. Your favorite song?

6. Your favorite band / singers?

7. Anything else you want to say?

8. Tag 3 - 5 other people.

 

 

Note Worthy

If you aren't a reader of this blog, you should be.  But more importantly is this blog that she wrote.  Totally one of those that I want to stash in my mind's file cabinet for when Kinley is a little older. 

I sprung a leak

My intentions were to nurse for three months.  Then I said, okay, I survived that, so let's go to six months.  The six became nine, the nine twelve and here I sit looking at fifteen. 

I still had no real plan at weaning.  Even though I said that I would stop *no later* than 15 months (knowing that if she wanted to nurse till 24 months, I would do it).  That being said, I don't want you to think that our breastfeeding days are of her on the boob all day long.  From about twelve months on, it's been 2-3 times a day.  Occasionally a day would come that she'd nurse 4-5 but I've been an on demand nurser.  She gets it when she wants it.  Let's be honest.  She gets anything she wants, when she wants it.  She's my boss.

That being said, she's not asked to nurse since 6:00 last night.  I'm going on 24 hours of no nursing.  Today, my boobs have been about to burst.  I didn't put in nursing pads because, well, I haven't used them since she was a few months old.  I just didn't think about it.  (I don't even know where they are, to be honest.)  I had to leave class a little early today to pick her up from day care (since daddy couldn't and it's his normal day to do so) and on my way to get her my boobs hurt more and more and more.  Ugh.  I finally get to her and the minute I see her, my bra gets warm and wet and sooo gross.  Ugh.  I'm leaking.  So I sit and converse with the daycare lady for 15 minutes or so about Kinley's day and weaning and engorgement, etc and my bra just gets wetter and wetter.  So gross.

So now I'm home and Kinley still hasn't asked to nurse.  I know that if I offer it to her, she'll nurse.  But I'm kind of thinking that she's self-weaning.  And if I ask her to nurse, or remind her, that it'll be a step backwards in the direction we should be going.  Does that make sense?  I don't know what to do.

Part of me says to stick in a bra pad and just go with it.  But what if tomorrow she decides she wants to nurse and I've already started to dry up!?  Oh the stress.

Kinley has a new BFF.  My sister told us about these spill-proof snack cups, and I' had seen them before but forgotten about them.  Kinley loves to sit down and share her snack with Lucy, so I always give her some crackers in a bowl and let them share.  Not any more!  We got these nifty snack bowls at Tar-ghet (that French store around the corner) and Kinley is in love.  She carries one everywhere she goes.  And we've found that she loves Trix.  Yeah, that sugary cereal that has zero nutritional value.  Whatever, she likes it and she is the boss.  Remember?  So yeah, Kinley highly recommends the bowls.  Lucy, not so much.

Tonight we are going to our Dave Ramsey class.  We missed the last two.  Two weeks ago, we were all under the weather sick as all get out.  Then last week I was drowning in homework and couldn't take the two hour break to go to the class.  Ever feel like you've just totally disappointed someone and just feel terrible for it?  That's how I'm feeling lately about Church ABC.  We've totally dropped the ball.  We've not been to church in two weeks and all functions that we've signed up for have been lost in the mix too.  I feel SO BAD.  Not only have we "skipped" class with the Dave Ramsey thing but I also volunteered for this tutoring thing through the church and completely forgot that the training started two weeks ago and I've missed two sessions.  Total no call-no show.  Such a fail.  Ugh.  The stress.

I need to learn how to say no.  I have myself so swamped in life that I'm suffocating myself.  That's not good.  I need to realize that school and family are enough.  I don't need to try and be Super Woman and sign up for all of this extra stuff.  That time will come.  But it's not today.  So I have to email the tutoring coordinator and explain why I'm such a loser and blew off the two sessions.  And tonight I'll hopefully redeem myself with the Dave Ramsey class instructor. 

Splish, Splash

As if I weren't excited enough about moving, and saving $300 per month on rent, I became even more overjoyed this evening when I got the email notices of my auto-delivery utility bills.  Our gas bill in this place this month is $185.  And our electric....$205.  Absolutely ridiculous.  This place is SO energy UN-efficient, it makes me sick.  I can't wait to get out of here. 
We were quoted that the utilities in the new place run between $100-$125 a month TOTAL.  Talk about a savings!  Sign me up!  Oh wait, I already did sign up.

Today after school, I picked up Kinley at daycare and she was sleeping under the coffee table.  It was the cutest thing!  She never passes out like that at home so it just melted my heart to see that she played till she passed out.  Love that girl!

We went to the grocery store afterwards and I decided to splurge on a 6-pack of Corona.  While we normally don't drink beer or keep it in the house, I was just wanting a cold beer tonight.  So I grabbed the 6 pack and the lime and the other things on the list and headed to the check out.  And, I was carded.  Made me so happy. 

And then, I came home, unloaded the groceries, nursed Kinley, and started dinner.  Had all of the ingredients put it and ready when it was time to add the one cup of sour cream, which I had just purchased, and when I casually ripped off the lid (expecting that plastic seal on the inside) sour cream when splashing EVERYWHERE.  It wasn't actually sour cream.  More like sour milk.  And it went everywhere.  I wanted to scream.  It was in every crevice, every cabinet, drawer.  Ugh.  So up went the baby gate and down on the floor I went to clean the sour mess.  I managed to call the husband on his way home from work to pick up another container.  As I was cleaning the mess, I kept reminding myself that I only had a few more days in this place.  I really dislike it here.  Can you tell?

So, I guess that's all that is on my mind.  I have a board game to create for my Social Studies methods class.  I'm kind of excited to make it.  Okay, so I'm super excited to make it.  This is totally my kind of thing.  It's due on the 10th so I had better get a move on.

Kinley, where did your ponytail go?

And why not another music video from one of my latest favorites?  This song is so awesome.  Love, love, love it.

Remember Me?

Remember me?  I didn't dare look to see when my last non-meme post was....it's been way too long.  But this morning, after being woke up at 3 by Kinley, who appeared to be having a nightmare, and getting ready for school an hour early, I chose to skip ironing my hair and throw in back into a wet ponytail.  We aren't with students today, thanks to the good old' Presidents Day (observed today, for some reason).  So no students=relaxed wardrobe.  So here I am, back at the old blog.  It's been way too long.

I looked at my schedule for this summer and I'm only going to be taking one class, on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.  I can't wait until May 5 when this semester ends and I can have my blog life back.  I'm really busting my bucket to keep on top of things and not fall behind.  I want to succeed and do well this semester and if I don't, it won't be from lack of trying. 

I'd like to have all of these exciting and fun things to tell you that have been going on, but that's not the case.  We enjoyed a wonderful visit from my family this past weekend.  Mom, my sister and I took Kinley for her first real shoe shopping experience and I think she enjoyed it.  She was strutting around the store and acted like she owned the place (and she could have because she had free reign with Nonie's credit card).  We settled on a super cute pair of gym shoes that I think will match most everything.  She is a walking machine, never really crawls anymore, but when I put shoes on her, she walked with a stumble.  So I knew that we had to get shoes on her feet so that she'd get better at walking in shoes.

The shoes make her look so big, and it breaks my heart to see how fast she is growing up.  The first year does go fast, but not nearly as fast as it's going from one year forward.  She learns something new every single day.  I love her more than anything in this world and I am SO PROUD to be her mommy.

We're all set for our big move on Saturday.  I lied.  We're sooo not ready.  Not even packed, really.  We My husband has taken several loads to the storage unit, so we have been moving stuff out slowly...but there is so much left to do.  And my husband is stressing it, big time.  I'm sure that we'll get the job done, but it may kill the both of us to do so.  The church offered to help us move, but with life happening, we've had to miss the last three weeks of church and the last two Dave Ramsey classes, so I'm not so sure that the church hasn't given up on us.  I feel like such a huge FAIL.

My project minimize has taken a slow stop.  I've been swamped with homework and haven't been listing stuff to sell.  We I did do our taxes and it looks like with that we can now say that we're debt free, aside from our mortgage.  That feels amazing.  Ah-mazing.  AH-MAZING.  Oh, and aside from my student loans.  Which those alone make me want to crawl in a corner and cry.  But the little stuff, that nickel and dimes you to death, are GONE.  (or will be when that refund comes in)

We also knocked out our first baby step in our Dave Ramsey plan.  Now on to step 2.  What was it again?  I'll have to look.

I haven't been able to see Dr. Laura because of my family being in town, and I can't see her next weekend either, because of the move.  So it's THE NEXT weekend that we'll meet again and I could so use a session right now.  I'm trying to be strong and just hold tight till then.  I know I'll make it.

And on that note, Kinley is up (again) but that's okay, we have to get ready to leave for daycare/school in a half hour.  It was good to touch base again.  I feel reconnected.  Hopefully I won't stay gone so long next time.

Weekend Warriors

My Weekend Warrior list:

• Welcome a long over-due family visit!  My mom, step-dad, sister and nephew are coming to visit us from Saturday afternoon through Monday morning.
• Must get my house in order prior to their arrival.
• Today, I'm being a "bad mom" and sending Kinley to day care for three hours while I work on some homework.
• My homework list is slowly dwindling and I'm actually close to feeling caught up!  Or at least to a manageable level.
• We're hoping to take a few more loads of boxes to our storage unit to ease our move next weekend.
• I'm sure this weekend will be filled with lots of eating out and shopping and visiting!

So What

This week, I say SO WHAT:

• if I am still breastfeeding my 14 month old.  *I* am not ready to wean.
• if my last two therapy sessions have addressed the issue of me being afraid to wean her.
• if my homework "to do" list is 8 assignments deep and I feel  like I'm drowning.
• if we're moving in 2 weeks and have yet to pack a single thing.
• if my mom, step-dad, sister and nephew are coming in three days and I have yet to clean my house.
• if my house hasn't been cleaned thoroughly in over a week.  We've all been *so, so, so sick* over here.
• if our Christmas lights are still up on our house, not on, but up.  (You're not alone, Shannon.)
• if I think of a blog to write every day but never find the time to sit and write it. 
• if I feel like I'm drowning.
• if instead of a blog, I leave you with my new favorite song.  The message moves me.

Weekend Warriors

The time has come to release the weekly meme!  I'm kind of excited about it.  For two reasons really, 1) cause I love reading memes and 2) I miss my blogging friends over the weekend when the blogging world goes dormant!

So here it is:  Weekend Warriors!

Tell me what you're weekend plans are....

What do you hope to accomplish?  Nothing/everything?  I think that a person's weekend plans tell a lot about them.  So dish...

To participate, copy/paste the code there to the right:

I'm a weekend warrior:

1.  My husband is working tomorrow, so I'm hoping that Kinley and I feel well enough to go and spend the last of our Kohl's giftcard on new school clothes for mommy.  Then most likely some grocery shopping.
2.  Saturday night will most likely include the husband and I attempting to watch a movie and not fall asleep.  I am praying that him and I feel better by then.
3.  Church on Sunday morning!  Then a road trip...and we'll get to see how Kinley likes her new DVD player and Super Why DVDs in the car. 
4.  Sunday night will be home to watch some TV and get to bed early.

The weekends always go too fast.

I would like to thank the academy...

Can you tell that school is back in full swing?  My blogging time went to zilch.  Ugh.  Tomorrow is the last day of class for the week.  Thank God.  We're all suffering colds/sore throat/ick-ness over here and we *need* the weekend. 

I had to pop in and blog about my good fortune!  One of my favorite bloggers "awarded" me with an award!

Here are the rules of the award:

1. Link back and thank the fabulous person who bestowed the amazing award on you

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Award 7 other deserving and great bloggers

4. Contact the awarded bloggers to let them know of their award!

Seven things about me:

1.  I am so in love with my new radio station, K Love, and the Christian music has taken the place of country in my heart.

2.  I cry every single time I think about my college graduation.

3.  I am about 95% sure that Kinley will be an only child, and I'm so okay with that.

4.  I am starting to feel the changes within myself that I've been working so hard at making.  It makes me so happy!

5.  My husband and I are "football fans in training"--as in, we've never enjoyed watching it but really wish we did.  So we're in training to become true fans.

6.  My mom and I never say "I love you" to each other.  Even though I think about it every time I talk to her.  It just feels weird to say it to her when we never have before.

7.  One of my favorite things about being a student is eating alone on campus in the food court area.  Some of the best people watching!

 

Seven lovely bloggers to pass the award to:

1.  I See Through You

2.  Every Girl Like Me

3.  Growing In Love

4.  Life On the Short Side

5.  Losing It

6.  The Drunken Housewife

7.  Wild Then Child

 

Ch-ch-check it out!

Life After I "Dew" is hosting their first give-away!  It's a $25 gift card to Apothica!  And while I've never shopped there before, I would so love a chance to do so.  And a free chance would be even better!  Check it out!

Must be a virus

I sure wish I could have back every co-pay that I ever paid when I've gotten the answer "must be a virus."

I love our pediatrician, and the other doctor that we see when her schedule fills up.  Love them both.  Have so much respect for them as well. 

But really, "must be a virus" is such a general, non-specific, answer for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. (and that took forever to type, wasn't really worth it).

You don't need to go to medical school to say "oh yeah, looks like a virus to me."  I can do that on my own.  I was 100% positive that it was a virus when I called for my appointment at 6:00 this morning. 

I was just hoping for more information than that, I guess.  Something more than the obvious.

She has a raw throat.  Still.  She has congestion.  Still.  She has a fever.  Duh.

They shouldn't charge parents when they just say "it's a virus."  Or at least give us a discount.

The whole "it's a virus" phrase is too widely used.  You know?

Something goes wrong with your computer?  Oh, it must "be a virus."  You start to feel ick, "oh, there must be a virus going around."

Virus, Virus, Virus. 

I'm so tired of that word!

After a dose of Motrin, she seems to be feeling better.  And I swear, she's learned at least three new behaviors today.  1)  She's playing with "her" leash  constantly today.  She hasn't done that, ever.  She totally didn't go for it like we had hoped after her birthday.  It was still all about Lucy's leash.  Not today.  We got her a mini retractable one....and today she was grabbing it, walking across the living room, and letting go.  It went whipping across the floor back to her dinosaur and she was cracking up!  So cute.  2)  She's been walking up to me with lips puckered wanting kisses.  We *beg* for kisses all day, every day and get nuthin'.  Not today.  She is asking ME for kisses.  The best day of my life.  3)  Her and Lucy have been BFFs and playing together all day.  It's been kind of nice.  While I'm not allowed out of her sight, I can at least veg in the chair and not be all covered up with a clingy, crying baby.

But on the down side, the worst part about caring for a sick baby, is that she shares the love.

And sadly, I'm starting to feel it as well.  Must be a virus.

And on a completely unrelated note:  I enjoy doing memes, even though I really only participate in the "So What Wednesday" meme.  But I decided to start my own....and it will be on Friday's.  So look for it this Friday!

Anchored In

I answered Joliet because that was where I felt the most anchored.  The most protected.  The most safe.  The most secure.  The most rooted.  The most permanent.  It was home.

Kind of funny, isn't it?  I felt safe and secure....  But I did.  At one point in time.  For a very long time, actually. 

I had roots there.  I had permanence. 

Permanence is such a huge thing.  HUGE.

And what was the hardest thing to grasp, is that I don't have that now.

We are living temporary.  Short term.  Right now.

It's no wonder that I feel so uneasy and feel the need to just grab at anything.

My error has been to search for an anchor, to hold me still and hold me steady, in someone else.  I think I could safely say that I was raised that way.  I was "groomed" to look for that stability in someone else.

Now, it's time to look inward.  It's time to hold myself accountable.  Time to be my own anchor.

And while I have some amazingly great things going for me in my life right now, there are a few things that need a lot of work.  This is one of them.

So now I start on the journey of figuring out what this means.  How do I fill the void of permanence?  How do I make myself feel anchored?

I don't see Dr. Laura for a month.  We have my family coming up for a visit and then we'll be moving....so I have several weeks to roll this "anchor" idea in my mind.  To take hold of what it means, to me.  To figure out what to do and where to go with it. 

And while I don't expect it to be fixed and all better in four weeks, or four months for that matter, I do plan to be working on it until I can say that I am feeling somewhat more comfortable with holding myself accountable.  And trusting myself...enough so that I can count on myself to be there if no one else is.

In Mourning

I am on a mission.  Saving money and selling the unnecessary things in life to increase our savings has become my platform.  Simplify, simplify, simplify.  It's been my motto.

To date, I've made $445 from listing and selling on Craigslist.  And, in only six days.  Not too bad. 

I've also cut our cable down to basic (plus the basic "slow" internet service--which btw, I notice zero difference), on 2/7 we are dropping Richie's personal cell phone plan and he's going to his business phone only. 

I write down every penny spent for 30 days so that I can evaluate where the money goes every month. 

Cutting where I can cut, selling what I can sell.

Our savings will thank me.  Instead of paying out every dollar each month, I can pay US first.

With all of that said....  I wish I could un-sell one thing.  I took things too far.  I went a little "simplify" crazy.

I sold Kinley's dresser and hutch.

It lived in her room before she did.  We pondered over the *perfect* dresser for her.  The one that fit our visions of our baby girl's room. 

So obviously, you ask, why did you sell it then, dummy!?  Well, I had/have my reasons.
1)  The changing table top is really too small for her anymore.  When I do/did put her up there, she would kick and thrash around and almost always hit her foot or heel on the wood and cry.
2)  Her next bedroom in our new apartment will hopefully house all (most) of her toys and she needs the room.
3)  She has a tall chest of drawers for her folded clothes and it has two drawers unused.
4)  Her toddler furniture will be white, not cherry.
5)  Eventually, we would be parting with the furniture.  Eventually.
So you see, I just moved up the time frame.  I was being realistic and not dramatic about it.

Okay, so I was pretty dramatic.  I got home from my appointment with Dr. Laura (which was amazing, btw) and saw that the people were in the drive way about to load up the dresser.  So I zoomed off.  I couldn't watch it come out of our house and go into their truck.  It was just too much to watch.  Dramatic?  Maybe.  Necessary.  Totally.

I sat in her room last night and felt so sad seeing that big "hole" where her dresser used to sit.  She noticed the "hole" too but didn't care nearly as much as I did.  She doesn't care.  That's why I knew I could sell it....she wouldn't miss it.

So, it's gone.  And the "loss" of her first baby furniture was tough, but I recovered.  And I feel good about it today.  Project Simplify is in full swing.  Nothing is safe anymore!

Bad pictures and cheap wine

Last night we had our family photo appointment at Church ABC for their church directory.  So I guess we're members now.  Officially.  They got our picture to prove it.

Let me tell you, I will not be surprised if one day that photo turns up on Ellen or Leno as a "bad paid for photo."  It was TERRIBLE!

The photographer left much to be desired, but I guess that's what you get.  He took several shots and all of them were terrible.  He couldn't get Kinley's attention for nothing....I'm sorry, Mr. Photographer, but saying "hey baby, hey kiddo, kiddo, hey, baby" in a monotone, almost whisper, doesn't cut it.  And then, he kept saying, "mom, hold her hands down" and in turn, all of the pictures portray me having these monstrous hands covering my baby as if he was paparazzi.  No joke.  I wish I could access them online to show you how pathetic they actually are...but I guess that because they are in the church group order, they aren't online.

Then the worst part was after they snapped the pictures, we then were ushered to the next room where we had to choose which of his shots would be listed in the directory and then we also got a free 8x10--and they proceeded to try and sell us their "world famous" prints on canvas.  Ummmm, no.  You couldn't *pay me* to take these on paper, stone, toilet paper, or your *world famous* oval canvas.  Mmmm, k?

The package that she wanted to sell us was like $300 and there was no way in heck that I was even the least bit interested, so I tuned her out.  Her and her sales pitch.  My husband said I was rude.  But I think it was rude of her to try and sell such ick pictures for so much money!  The free 8x10 will be shoved away in a box somewhere, in that storage unit, that stores stuff that we know we don't need but can't part with so we'll deal with it in another year.

So we chose the best of the worst for the directory and will hide in shame every Sunday when people are putting faces to pictures.  Ahhhh well.  What can you do?

When we got home, we got Kinley to bed and decided to enjoy a glass of wine.  I have a new favorite, Moscato.  I'm not sure if it's new to the wine world (as I'm so not a wino-o, remember?) but I know that I've never heard of it before.  But my beloved Reisling is no more.  Move over for the Moscato. 

And because we're trying to not spend more than we need, I only splurged on the el cheap-o $5 bottle of Moscato.  Note to self.  It tastes like a $5 bottle of Moscato and needs tossed.  Ick.  I drank a few sips and said "I'm done, time for bed." So next time, I'm splurging on my tried and true $13 bottle, cause it's divine and makes me want to over-indulge.

And here we are so unaware of how bad our $5 wine is going to taste:

So we learned, while sometimes you can get away with a super cheap wine and it be okay....the Moscato is one not to go (too) cheap.

I'm blushing...

This is what I woke up to this morning.  It's going to be a good day.

Gee thanks

4:00 a.m.:  *Nudge, Nudge*  Hey, do you WANT to get her, or should I?

Oh PLEASE let me get up and get her.  PLEASE!?

And now at 5:00 a.m. I'm sitting up wide awake listening to his alarm go off for the third time as he smacks it and rolls back over to sleep.  Why go back  to bed only to get woke up every 15 minutes until he decides to get up. 

Happy Saturday!

**edited to add:  She was back up before 6, so husband put her in bed with me and we slept till 8. 

Now that, my friends, is a Happy Saturday!

What's good for the goose....

Take a look at these examples, taken from UrbanDictionary.com. 

Example 1:  A) A group of girls see a male walking through a mall. They think he is attractive, and make comments about his butt, abs, or crotch and giggle loudly. ACCEPTABLE

B) A group of boys see a female walking through a mall. They think she is attractive, and make comments about her butt, abs, or breasts while laughing. LABELED AS PIGS WHO ARE ACTING INAPPROPRIATE, TREATING THE GIRL LIKE AN OBJECT

Example 2:  A) A married woman does not have a job because she feels that it is the mans place to support his family and survives on his paycheck. ACCEPTABLE

B) A married man does not have a job because he feels that it is the woman's place to support her family and survives on her paycheck. LABELED AS AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HIS WIFE

What's good for the goose is good for the gander?  Do we treat others the way that we want to be treated?

Last week, the bestie and I were on the phone having a conversation about nothing...I was living vicariously through her adventures in single-land...secretly, relieved that my life is now about being in bed before 10:00 on a weekend.  Her and I were dishing about a friend that she met and has hung out with a few times.  So here's the story:

She offered to give the friend a ride home at the end of the night.  They were in the city (at different bars) and it was easier to just carpool home.  No big deal.  Well, end of the night comes, she texts the friend that the bus is leaving.  Headed home. Come now or miss your ride.

No response.

So she thinks, well, maybe they hooked up or something and don't need a ride home.  Could of happened.  Whatever, so she went home.

I'll stop the story there.  Cause really, that's as far as I have to go to make my point.

I ask her...."and you're okay with the friend hooking up? Like, with someone else?"

She says, "yeah, why?"

Ummmm, okay, enter psycho Joy.  The Joy that back in the single days, would *so* not be okay with that.  Okay, so even the married Joy still would not be okay with that.  Not that I'd be in the situation, but you know what I mean.  I haven't changed that much.

Let's dissect.

You're hanging out with a new guy.  He's currently in the friend status--maybe just beyond that.  But totally not defined as "boyfriend" or "relationship."

Would you be okay with him "hooking up" with someone else?

Me?  Not a chance.

Her?  Absolutely.

But hoooooooowwwww?  I ask her.

She answers:  "Well, shouldn't it be okay for me to hook up with someone if I met a totally awesome guy?" 
I answer:  "Well, yeah, you two aren't an item.  So why not!?"

BUSTED.

Joy lives in a double standard world.

I don't want to live in the double standard world.

I have always known that I had a tendency to view life through this bad, bad point of view.  But geez....it's worse than I thought.

My husband and I don't really have too many issues with this, cause we're both wading through the double standard way of living and I guess have just adapted.

But I'm done.  I don't want to live here anymore.  I want to explore life on the other side.  The side where things are fair.  And where things are equal.

How do you fix your way of thinking when it's so warped?  Can I read a book?  Pray?  Talk to Dr. Laura?  And if I work on myself about this, will my husband do it as well?  Cause what good is it to "get better" when he's not going to do the same?

Just imagine how much better life could be if everyone took a step back and self-analyzed their own behaviors. 

Oh, and the friend didn't hook up with anyone.  His phone was dead.  Thank goodness....cause I would have *freaked* out.  :)

So, when I asked my bestie if she minded me using our conversation as a platform for a blog, she asked that I put this disclaimer:

She's not perfect.

But I think she is.

And just to add:  I "polled" (via text) ten of my contacts and all but two admit to having double standards about at least one thing.  Which I guess is something I didn't consider.  When I think of double standards (at least in this case) I think of it as in male/females in a relationship.  I was reminded that there are *so many* situations in life where double standards are prevalent.  Kind of overwhelming.

Something that the bestie said to me:  the best way to show someone the way that you want to be treated....is to treat them in that exact way.  Show them the respect that you want to be given. 

I have a crush

I have a crush.  I have had this crush for several years now.  And having this crush, makes me smarter and more in tune with the current events in the world.

My crush keeps me up late on weeknights.

My crush doesn't even know I exist.

But that's okay.  Cause it would be weird and stalker like if he knew that I did. 

Who is my crush?

Ahhhh......

Isn't he dreamy?

He's a Fox news anchor.  Mark Suppelsa.  And I don't even like Fox News.  But I watch it anyway.

I consider him my "silver fox."  I guess it's normal (but what's normal these days) for girls/women to have an older guy crush.  My friend, Amy, introduced me to the term "silver fox" (silver hair, hot guy=silver fox) when she speaks of her own crush:  Anderson Cooper.

So tell me, do you have a "silver fox" crush?  Who is it?

Home is where your heart is?

I'm going a little stir crazy over here.  We're on day two of snow days and we are all getting on each other's nerves, I think.  I'm crabby today.  Tired more than anything. And it's cold in here.  The heat system in this place just can not keep up with these subzero temps and the carpet is cold.  I have two pairs of socks on and my feet are still cold.

Let that be another reason why I am so ready to get out of this place.

We drive by our new apartment all the time.  Surprisingly, I am so excited about moving.  I just can't wait.  It's like Christmas all over again....only better.  Cause I'm getting a new home and a new neighborhood AND we're going to save some money.  Not a lot, but some.

I guess that I am most excited about the saving money thing.

Our finance guy assigned us the task of writing down every cent we spend for 30 days.  Let me tell ya, that is exhausting.  Totally makes me not want to spend cause I don't want to mess with remembering and writing it down.  So that being said, since January 26, we have had 18 transactions.  Hmmmm, that doesn't sound so good.

I haven't splurged at all...until today.  I treated myself to a Coke Zero at McDonald's drive thru.  And wouldn't you know it, I got the crap soda.  It was awful.  Too much syrup or not enough carbonation...I dunno but it was awful.  God was telling me that I shouldn't have spent the $1.08.  Oh well.  I learned.

We decided on a storage unit today to hold all of our useless stuff that we can't part with, yet won't remember we own in a year when we go back for it.  It is going to cost us $46 a month.  So that isn't too bad, really.  The apartment is half the size of the townhouse and there is zero storage there, so we didn't have much choice.  I mean, I'm selling stuff as fast as I can but when no one wants to buy the crap that I'm selling....I am not to successful.  I have sold $245 in the last week or so, so that's not too shabby.  I just need to sell more.

Speaking of the apartment being half the size of our townhouse, I am so excited to move into a manageable sized home.  It's simple, small and perfect for what we NEED.  This place has three bathrooms.  I don't have the time (or the desire) to keep up with three bathrooms.  We are living for what we need.  This place will be so much more my style and not so overwhelming--as this place has been.  And I found out that we can paint!  yippee!  Hopefully the Mr. will let me.  That will make it so much homier for me.

This weekend (I'm so messed up on my days of the week this week, I've thought today was Saturday all day long) is my appointment with Dr. Laura and I am so happy.  Our off weeks just seem so long. 

In our last session, she asked me a question, that at the time seemed to be nothing of a big deal. 

Until I answered.  The answer came so easily.  It just flowed off of my tongue.  So effortlessly.  Almost with no thinking involved at all. 

And the fact that it came about so easily and effortlessly, has had me struggling to grasp the big question of WHY.

She asked me, "Where do you consider home?"

Easy enough.

Right?

That's simple.

Everyone knows "home."

Right?

Right?

I answered: Joliet.

Where I lived with the butthead (if you're a reader, you know the butthead reference).

Why do I consider that home?  I lived there for six years.  SIX YEARS!

I'm 32, people.

There are a lot of years where I've lived in a lot of other places.  So why does my effortless answer place me right back to where it all fell apart?

Why isn't "home" where I grew up, or where my mom lives now?  Why isn't "home" where my husband and daughter are?

What is wrong with me?

I just feel such guilt.  I shouldn't have said Joliet.  I shouldn't have felt Joliet. 

But I did.

There is such a history there for me.  I (well, him and I, but buttheads don't count) built my first home there.  A beautiful home.  I did the whole yard, my design, my plants, my patio, my bird feeders, my garden flag.  I loved my yard.  I decorated each room in that house.  Down to the very last detail...I decorated.  I loved my neighbors.  I loved my life.  I loved my dog.  Everything was in place. 

And then, it fell apart.  Life was ripped away.  And I think that the wounds didn't heal as evenly as I tell myself that they did.

I feel like I'm wrong for going through my old pictures.  Like it somehow means that I'm cheating or not being faithful to my life today.  But it was/is such a huge part of me.  I shoved it all away when we signed the papers.  I just closed it and never healed.  Never processed.  Never grieved.  Or didn't grieve enough to heal.  So I'm telling myself this:  it's okay to look back.  It's okay to cry over the loss.  It's okay to miss parts of my past.  It's NATURAL to miss parts of your past.

I think that more than anything, this represents the fact that I have so much more to work through than I initially thought.  What I initially sought Dr. Laura to help me with...isn't the place to start....but maybe a place to work towards.

Saturday can't come soon enough.

So What Wednesday

This week, I'm saying "So What" to:

• So what if I am actually enjoying school.  I love to learn.  I'm a nerd.
• So what if I enjoy the small breaks from the stay-at-home-mom life.  It makes me enjoy our time together that much more.
• So what if I've threatened to get rid of the dog almost daily for the past few weeks.  She drives me nuts!
• So what if I'm spending our snow day doing homework.  I want to work ahead.  See, I'm a nerd.
• So what if moving into our new apartment makes me feel so relieved and excited to decorate.
• So what if my husband and two neighbors are outside shoveling away while I'm inside all nice and warm....that's why God made them boys.  :)