Friday, April 13, 2012

Remember Me?

This feels like uncharted territory to me.  I haven't posted in, what? Months?  Feels like years, really.  Today is the last day of my spring break.  And here I had these massive, elaborate plans to blog daily.  To spend a whole day reading.  To maybe even take time to get myself a pedicure.  And what did I do, in reality?  I spent two hours cleaning a little girl's bedroom....and today you can't tell that I made any attempt.  I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom (minus our bedroom, the neglected room).  Today, you can't tell.  And I ran errands that have been looming over my head for months.  Crazy things such as going to the social security office to get my last name corrected on my card.  Would you believe that I have been running around with a misspelled last name on my card for FOUR years, and didn't notice until my current employer pointed it out?!  And then, my address was wrong on my drivers license.  They put an 8 instead of a 5 on my address.  So uh, when they tell you to double check everything after it's printed, they mean it.  It just so happens that when I got that one printed, I had a squirrely toddler with me and I was about to lose. my. mind.  Forgive me for not checking.  I just trusted that you could input the correct information into your system.  Ugh. 

So yeah, got those tedious errands done that needed done.

Then the budget coach issued a list about ten items long that I had to work of which was to discuss and decide what to do with our first (and only, so far) home.  We bought it right before we were married.  We brought our baby home to this house.  Then made the decision that it was time to sell it.  Kind of bitter sweet.  But at the same time, we know that we'll never move back, and we really don't want the risk of something major going wrong while the renters are know what I mean?  Huge financial risk to have a rental house.

My spring break was spent taking care of crap.  For lack of better words.  I'm a little bummed.

Since being on hiatus, so much has been happening in the land of Joy.  My beast baby girl is keeping me crazy busy, so much so, that I often find myself with my head spinning.  She's the most fun at this age.  She is the most challenging at this age.  Two year olds are a ball of everything.  Defiance, laughter, something new every single day, potty training, "Kinley do it!", a whole new level of mommy guilt, and a whole new level of pride as she sings her ABC's with the emeneno P.  I love that girl.  But, she makes me crazy.  And that, makes me think that we are doing things right.  Right?
Kin and her friend, Jilli

My husband and I are the happiest that we've been since.....ummmmm......forever?  I honestly can say that the past two months have been bliss.  We both attribute this to our financial coach.  Money stress effects every minute of your life.  Having gotten that under control, we can breathe again.  We aren't at each others throats anymore.  Life is--dare I say--easier?

The job is going well.  Holy challenging as ever, for sure.  I have a group of boys in my class---oh my goodness.  They make me earn every penny on that paycheck!  But, through the challenges, I am reminded daily that this is what I am made to do.  Sadly though, my contract does end on June 4 and I am again unemployed.  I have applied to about twenty districts with hopes for at least one call back.  Prayers please.

And lastly, we are trying to get pregnant. 


It's the first "real" month of trying.  I mean, we've been unprotected for about a year.  But using my app, I have been tracking the month and my so irregular cycles and we really tried this month.  Without going all TMI on you...we were rabbits.  Mmmm, K?!  And here I sit, staring at this screen on my app....

And I'm frozen.  I so badly want to test.  I so badly want to be pregnant.  But, I won't let myself believe that it *could* be.  I mean, what would allow it to happen naturally now, when before, it couldn't happen.  It doesn't just happen on the first month of trying.  It just doesn't happen like that for us.

In the same breath, I find myself thinking of all of these "symptoms" and those of you that have gone through the woes of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, know of the "symptoms" that I speak of. 

Why not just test and rid myself of the pain and the agony that rides shotgun with me all day? 

Because the reality of the failure is too much.  For today.

I would rather dance in the what-if than kiss the reality of the no.  But, if it is in fact a no, I will call my doctor (that I don't even like, btw) and get a script for Clomid.  And then we'll probably have twins.  Cause I have the luck like that.  :)  Double the blessings?

But what if?

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