Thursday, June 28, 2012

Anniversary On a Budget

If you've read the previous post from this morning, you know that today we celebrate our four year anniversary.  Four years doesn't seem long enough to have experienced all that we've done together!  I actually had to recount the years to be sure that it was only four!

I typed up that post as my digital card to my husband.  I guess we're non-sentimental this year because we both agreed that a card wasn't necessary and that we'd just celebrate our day over the weekend.  Pretty romantic, huh!?

We have "big" plans this weekend and we're pretty excited about it!  We're both kind of history buffs and really enjoy exploring.  There is a place in central Illinois that I visited as a sixth grader and that was the one and only time that I visited.  Since then, I think about it often and remember how much I enjoyed it and how fascinated I was by the story--the unsolved mystery.  So, we'll be visiting Cahokia Mounds this weekend as our "getaway" on a budget.

My mom is keeping Kage and Lucy will be going to day care.

Last night we took Lucy to make her vaccinations current {$170 worth!} and get her "day care ready" with a clean bill of health from the vet.  After having a two-year-old and a dog in one tiny office, I think that we can say that we got a small taste of what two children would be like.  It was not easy!

We budgeted four hundred dollars to blow on ourselves for this trip and to us, that seems like plenty to have a good time!  Gas, hotel, dinner out, maybe a glass of wine or two....  Free childcare and the doggie day care will only run about $ this is a much more affordable vacation than say......a tropical destination.  Don't get me wrong, a beautiful white sand beach would be amazing right now, but it's just not happening.  Maybe next year.

We're leaving Friday night when Richie gets home from work and will drive to my mom's to stay the night.  Saturday morning, it's up early and on the road!  I am not too good at leaving Kinley, and we've only done it one other time....but I know that I need to nurture my alone time with my husband as well.

It will be a welcomed break to get us away from the ordinary, even if it is only one night.

Four Years

Four years ago today, he made me his wife.
Four years ago today, we began the life that we dreamed of sharing.
Four years ago today, we vowed to stick through the bad times and the good.
Four years ago today, we watched our wedding dreams unfold.
Four years ago today, we made promises that we'll forever keep.
Four years ago today, we sat in our wedding clothes--in recliners at a hotel--eating Big Macs--laughing and talking about our wedding day.

Happy Four Years, babe.  It's been a wonderful journey and it's just getting started!

So much has changed in four short years.  We sure do live a blessed life!  Although times are tough and sometimes it seems we have to fight harder than others, it's all worth it.  Every last minute, is worth it.  I am so honored and proud to have you as my husband and best friend.  There is no one else that I want by my side through this crazy life!

And, P.S.  We make cute babies!

Happy anniversary. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Here She Goes Talking About Another Baby

I have baby fever.  And it's getting bad.  I'm dreaming about it, thinking about baby names, allowing it to become part of the conversation at home....  it's bad.

And part of me wonders if it's because I know that we can't just go out and do it.  Almost like it's safe to only talk about it, because more than likely, it won't happen?

Yesterday at Kinley's dance class, one of the moms that I was visiting with asked me if we were planning to have more.  I always answer that question with the, "oh someday, yes, we probably will" and act uncertain.  Why don't I just be honest?  So yesterday, I was honest.  I told her, yes, we wanted to have more but it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant.  But we are trying.


I said it.

She acted a little embarrassed for asking after she realized that it wasn't going to be a simple yes or no answer.  But I'm tired of not being honest about it.  If you ask, you're going to hear it!  I threw the question back at her and she replied that she is 10 weeks pregnant.

Punch in the gut.

I haven't felt that in a very long time.  And then I felt embarrassed as I tried to fake enthusiastic questioning all about her bun in the oven.  I mean, I was happy for her and her daughter.  It took her a long time (well, 10 months isn't that long, really) to conceive this baby.

Before we conceived Kinley, every time I would see a pregnant woman or hear about someone getting pregnant, I was sucker punched in the gut.  It was that extreme jealousy, and being envious, and just craving that so bad for us.

It's back.

It was that reaction that made me realize that I had it bad.

I had a dream about it the night before. I dreamed that I was at my doctor for testing and he found out that I was already pregnant. I woke up so mad!  How dare my dreams tease me like this!

And yesterday when Richie got home from work, I proudly beamed that I had finally selected a boy's name. He was a little confused as to why this was even part of the conversation, but I had to tell him.  A boy's name is something that we've never really "nailed down"...actually, we don't have either name selected even if we were to have more children.  We just aren't that kind, I guess.  To worry about it until it's time?

Kinley is feeling it too.  She talks about her "brudder" a lot.  Last night in her bath, she was playing with her baby and when I asked it's name, she said "brudder."  She wants another baby-a sibling.

I'm more anxious than ever to get this Clomid started.  To test the waters to see if we can make this happen.

My Mean Girl

It's been years since I've watched the movie Mean Girls, but lately, I feel like I'm living in it.  For the last week, Kinley has become so mean--and dare I say, hateful?  Those are two words that I never want to use to describe my daughter's behavior.  Not now and definitely not when she's older.

My hopes for her are to be strong-willed, but for good purpose.  To be loving, of all things and people.  To be understanding, of all situations.  The be independent and strong.  But not to be a push-over.  And not be too understanding or loving to where people can/will take advantage of her.  I want her to be confident and polite and have good manners.  I want her to be an example, a role model. But I don't want her to ever feel above or treat people as if they are inferior.

We've got the strong-willed down perfectly.  And she knows what she wants and she expects to have things the way she wants them.  We did this.  Since she was an infant, we would sing a song, "Who's the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?  Kinley Grace is, Kinley Grace is...." it was just a silly little song that we made up to sing our praises of this little girl that we adore so much.  Did we ruin her?  Did we make her feel better than everyone else?

At two and a half, she pushes her friends around and is just mean!

Yesterday was her first dance class of the second semester.  There are new dancers, and existing dancers from the fall semester.  When we arrived, there was a new dancer sitting outside the studio (it wasn't unlocked yet) and the little girl starting saying, "Kinley, Kinley, Kinley!"  It was her BFF from school!  Tay-chel!  (Rachel)  She was so excited to see Kinley and it just melted my heart!  And I shouted out, "Rachel!, Kinley, it's Rachel!"  The mom just looked at me.  Probably wondering how in the world we knew each other.  Then she realized it was from school.  The teacher called them "the twins" because they look so much alike and were completely inseparable.

Kinley talks about "Tay-chel" all the time, daily, since we pulled her out two weeks ago.  So why is it when she finally reunites with her, she acts like she doesn't know her?  When we got inside, Rachel's mom had to buy her ballet shoes.  Rachel wanted to show Kinley her new shoes and Kinley turned her back on her.  I asked Kinley to show Rachel the book shelf to choose a book while we waited for class to start and Kinley went and stood in front of the books and said, "Tay-chel no books."

I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pull her aside and spank her rear, but you just can't do that in public.

Her other friend, who she sees a lot, came in to dance and she was just as rude and hateful towards her!

My little angel, sweet Kinley Grace, is a mean girl.

She thinks her stuff don't stink!

I was on the phone with my mom about it last night and she says that I need to talk to our parenting coach (whom we don't see anymore) about it because we're really going to have major issues with this when she's older.  I totally can see that.  I mean, I want her to be headstrong and confident, but not to the point where she's mean and looking down her nose at people!

Another mom that I was talking to during dance has the same issues with her 3 year old.  She didn't have answers either.  She did make me feel a little better by saying that at least we have the hardest trait down....being confident and strong minded!  I just need to work on her being nice, and kind and loving to others.  That is what I do every day though.  She just won't have it!

Please tell me this is just the age and just a phase.  I can't handle dealing with a "Mean Girl."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Lovely Blog Award

I want to thank Amanda, over at My Show, for mentioning me on her award post!  And it's a good thing that this came today, because my mind is about the quality of mush right now and I couldn't write a blog even if I wanted to.  Fitful sleep?  Maybe.

The One Lovely Blog Award is a "pay it forward" kind of way to recognize your favorite blogs.


1. Post the award logo on your blog and link back to the person who nominated you.
2. Tell seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate up to 15 additional bloggers who you think deserve the award.
4. Post a comment on the blog of each nominee to tell them him/her they have been nominated.

Seven things about me:

  1. I always make a wish at 12:34 because it's my favorite time of day.
  2. I have serious social anxiety that keeps me at home most times.
  3. I read the Fifty Shades book 1 and 2 in like, a day, but book 3 still sits on the shelf.
  4. Our four year wedding anniversary is on Thursday.
  5. The talking feature on a  phone is useless to me, I only text.
  6. I prefer the squishy, worn out, pillow and my husband and I have "his pillow/her pillow" on our bed.  I get cranky if he sleeps on my squishy one.
  7. I tend to over-think just about everything.  Which is why I had to stop and come back to this list several times.  Ugh!
I nominate:

Monday, June 25, 2012

Sing Along

I always dreamed of having a little girl that belted out tunes on the radio with me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a tinge of jealousy when the video of the little girl singing along with Carrie Underwood went viral.

I was a little upset that I haven't had "that moment" with KG.  Pathetic, I know.  So I tried to rationalize it:  I rarely have the radio on in the car when we're together, cause let's face it, that's prime convo time with her.   And if we're listening to something, it's usually a kid CD, and we do sing together to that.  Or, if she let's me sing with her.  Sometimes she'll shout, "no mommy, no singing, I do it."  Bossy, no?

A few days ago, I was dropping a friend off at the train and I had the country station on quietly while we were waiting.  The song Mr. Know-It-All by Kelly Clarkson came on.  I have this one on my playlist, so it is one that I enjoy and sing along to myself.  All of a sudden, Kage starts singing, "you know me, know me," and I froze and turned around to see her singing along.

It was one of those moments.

So of course, after dropping off my friend, I played the song from my phone to see if what I heard was true and sure enough "you know me, know me, weaving you wonwey wonwey" and I was in heaven!  My baby girl is singing with me!

And then she says, "no mommy, no singing, I do it."

Don't doubt that I have played that song every time we get into the car.

Run, Run, Run

I woke up this morning feeling like I had the worst hangover, ever.  And I'm probably do.  But not from alcohol.  Just from the weekend.  We were so busy, all weekend long.  But it was a good busy.  For the most part.  And my house and kitchen are trashed because of it.

A few weeks ago at our local zoo, we signed up for a vacation presentation=timeshare harassment.  After going to Vegas before we were married, we became familiar with these shenanigans and decided that the free stuff far outweigh the 90 minutes of badgering that you have to endure.  Having been through this before in Vegas, we knew what to expect and went in just buying time till they were finished.  We survived and came out with two vacations for free.

We will be taking Kage to the Wisconsin Dells for free (minus the gas to get there) and then Richie and I will be going to Orlando for two nights/three days (sans Kinley).  Yeah, that second one scares the bejeezes out of me.  I've never left her for more than one night and I'm not so sure that I am ready.  But hey, what better way to find out?  It's only 2 nights away.

Yesterday, we celebrated our town's annual festival and went to the two hour long parade and then to the rides after.  It was so stinkin' hot!  And we walked from our apartment, since it's only a ten minute walk.  OMG.  I thought I would have a heat stroke.  Kinley was without nap and just over it by the time we left.  She cried the whole way back and the only way to calm her was to hold her.  Yeah, so in 94 degree heat, I had to carry a 2 1/2 year old home.  Thank God she's a lightweight!

All weekend she has just been a real bear, and we have no clue why.  She is being mean, hateful, sassy....the works.  She isn't sleeping well, she hasn't napped well.  We have been at a loss.  The dentist confirmed that she is done with teeth for a long while, so we know that we can't blame that anymore.  But something is up.  It's my goal this week to get a handle on whatever it is because we all aren't going to survive this unless I do. Her behavior is driving a wedge between my husband and I because when we are struggling to get her in line, we argue at each other about parenting styles.  It's not the prettiest of situations.

It's not like we are "fighting" because once you take her behavior out of the situation, we are fine, it's just so super stressful.

If any of you have advice for me, on suddenly changing behaviors with a two-year-old, please share.  She went from our normal, happy-go-lucky , {sometimes crazy crabby} girl to an OMG she's hitting me and screaming for no reason, girl.  Lord help me.

Friday, June 22, 2012

What Is Old, Anyway?

Last night was so rough.  Kage started running a strange fever on Wednesday.  It would come and go with no rhyme or reason.  No other symptoms, just a fever.  And then yesterday, it stayed pretty constant in the 101-102 range.  She refused all medicine that I tried to give her...until about 7:00 last night.  After her meds, she felt great!  We took her for a long walk to house dream, she played at the park, took her bath and enjoyed a "spackle" {or as you would call it, a popsicle.}  She was great.

Until about 3 a.m.  Ugh.  I know that my husband was up with her twice, then she was in our bed, then I was rocking her, then I was sleeping {trying to} on the couch with her and finally on her bedroom floor is where my husband found me when he left for work.  It was not fun.  She did take more Motrin sometime in the middle of the night, so she is resting now.  I just hope it lasts longer than 7 a.m.  I am exhausted.  I need my blog time and coffee time to even attempt to feel human today.

Oh, the porch!  And the arched entryway!  Love.
We always walk in the same route and wander the adjacent subdivision to our apartment community.  It's a beautiful, quaint little subdivision and we dream about someday living in a place like that.  The homes in this area are in the mid to upper 300K range but the taxes are about 13K a year.  OUCH.  So yeah, dreaming is as far as it gets in this town!  There is a house that I have just fallen head over heels over, and last night I finally got the courage to stop and snap a picture.  The owners are almost always outside, and how awkward would that be to get caught taking pictures of their home?!  Yeah.

Oh yes, and I had my doctor appointment yesterday.  Ahhhhhh.  Let me start by saying that I love this doctor.  He is wonderful and restores my faith in good OBGYNs in this area.  So that is a plus.

But, his advice is to go straight to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).  Why?  My age.  Yes, ladies {and gents?}  I am old.  I will be 34 in November and he really thinks that I should do everything in my power to get pregnant before 34.  He claims that its the magic age when things start to get complicated.  Complicated is not what I want.  No siree.

Seeing an RE is very expensive, and my school insurance {very good insurance/my hubby's insurance=not so good} expires on August 19.  That really doesn't give us much time to get many things done before our insurance bombs.  I would prefer to stay with him for at least six rounds of Clomid, like I did before.  He set a plan in place so that if I continue to work with him through this journey, but also had an RE call me to schedule a consult.

The plan {if I stay with him} would be to do Provera {period inducer} on June 30 if I don't start my period and IF I get a negative pregnancy test.  On day 3 of my cycle, I am to have blood work done to check {something--see my attention span must have flaked on me here} levels of estrogen and egg something or other.  From that point, he will be able to tell if it is a cycle that I can get pregnant on......  man, that doesn't sound right.  I sure wish I had asked more questions.  But I am guessing that after that day 3 blood draw, that Clomid will start on days 5-9.  And he's starting with the maximum dosing of Clomid as well, which is what I wanted because my body did not react to it any other way.

This plan is really what I went in hoping to hear.  If I do go to the RE, I will most likely end up on the path to IVF.  Which is all of financial/emotionally/physically draining.   That's not how I want this to go.

But he also burst my bubble by telling me that in no way was Kinley a Clomid baby.  I was on Clomid from July 2008 through February 2009.  Kinley was conceived in March 2009.  He says that Clomid would have been out of my system by then.  He calls her a miraculous conception.


Here we go with miracles.  And you know how often miracles happen.

I mean, we knew that she was pretty darned special already, miracle or not.  But we gave her an extra fifty hugs and kisses last night after being reminded how miraculous she truly is.

After a long talk, we decided that we would stay with my doctor and not see the RE.  We will give things until November and if we are not successful, we'll still be just as blessed with our one miracle baby and count our blessings as a family of three.

Even miracles have tantrums in parking lots.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Momma Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said....

Running a sporadic fever.  :(
So if you have "liked" Living On Trees on Facebook, you will know that I made the appointment.  I am actually not going to the doctor that I saw last time, as his next available appointment was July 31, and let's face it, I would have changed my mind four times between now and then.  And, I wasn't too fond of him anyway.  So I'm seeing a new {male} doctor and hoping that he's fantastic.  I am slightly excited.

The kind office lady answering the phone informed me that my Mirena IUD was removed on July 21, 2011. So that's almost one whole year of unprotected....ummmm, marital acts.....and no pregnancy.  I think it's time to take things to the next level, no?

I am happy to have finally made a decision.  That was the hardest part, I think.  But now what stinks is that before we can actually start the Clomid, I have to have a period.  And that is the difficult part.  And after some quick research on my fertility tracking app, I found that my cycles range from 28 days to 99 days.  So predicting when I will be able to start a new cycle with the Clomid is any one's guess.  So that really stinks.  I want to have my appointment and get started right now.  Not going to happen.

I actually told my mom last night that I was going in to start Clomid again and she wasn't mad.  I really thought she would be.  She'd remind me of all of the reasons {that we are well aware of} why we shouldn't be having another and tell me what a mistake it was....but she didn't.  She calmly said that now was as good a time as any and if we were going to have more, we should do it now before Kage gets any older.  Wow!  Something we actually agree on!

So, it's official.  We are taking the next step to expand our family.

I used to blog {I use that lightly, as I rarely posted and didn't keep it up, and I don't think anyone actually read it} about our infertility journey and right now, I am so glad that I did because now I have something to go back and look at to refresh my memory about what we went through before.  So if you're so inclined, I can post a link to that for you to take a look-see.

And on a completely unrelated note, I am in celebration mode.  Our savings hit the 4K mark today!  I know that isn't a lot of money to most of you, but for us, having started at a big fat 0 in February and in June are at 4K....that is huge!  So we're going to be celebrating a few things in our home tonight.  Go us!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Fever

What is jealousy?  I mean, I know what jealousy is...but is that what I'm feeling?  I swear, my Facebook feed is filled with new babies and news of pregnancy.  And I'm so super happy for them.  For example, two ladies that I met during childbirth classes when I was pregnant with Kage, are now mommies again.  I am over the moon for both of them. I'm over the moon for all of my mommy friends that are adding to their family.

But I'm feeling something.

Something funny in my heart and tummy.

Is it jealousy?  Can you actually be jealous of that?

Or am I jealous that they felt "the fever" enough to follow through and have another baby?

Am I jealous that they now have a family of four?

Am I jealous that they were in a place that they knew another baby would fit right in?

Am I jealous that they felt enough control in their life to expand the family?

Am I jealous that they can actually conceive?  "Normally?"

I have been so back and forth on this topic and I get "the fever" but it goes away.  My husband gets "the fever" and then has a bad night with Kage and changes his mind.  We both go back and forth....but I guess the bottom line is that yes, we both want another child.  But when?  And to what extreme will we go to have one?

Kin will be three in a little over five months.  {oh my God.  THREE?!  How?!  Already?!}  I don't want that big of a gap in age with my children!  I would have to get pregnant now!  And do I really want to start the fertility drugs again?!  NO!  I hated being on them!  Can we have another child in this apartment?  Well, yes, I guess if we had to.  Can we afford two children?  Again, yes, if we had to.  Can we afford to give two children the life that we want for them?  I don't know.  Is it fair to take away from Kage to give her a sibling?  What we take away would be so much over-paid by the love and companionship of a sibling.  Right?

Can I imagine the hell of early pregnancy sickness while taking care of a two (and a half!) year old?  Heck no!  Ugh.  That is what sucks the most.

And can we handle it?  Are we strong enough?

Can I handle it?

copyright Leasa Jones Photography

copyright Leasa Jones Photography
I miss the tiny baby (even though that lasts only a couple weeks!), I miss the cuddles, the love, the breastfeeding!  Yes, breastfeeding was amazing for me.  I miss it so much.  The closeness, the bonding, the love!  And when I think of having two little people to love as much as I love KG, it seems like a no-brainer.

Now, I just need to call my doctor and make that appointment.  That's the hard part.

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