Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Fever

What is jealousy?  I mean, I know what jealousy is...but is that what I'm feeling?  I swear, my Facebook feed is filled with new babies and news of pregnancy.  And I'm so super happy for them.  For example, two ladies that I met during childbirth classes when I was pregnant with Kage, are now mommies again.  I am over the moon for both of them. I'm over the moon for all of my mommy friends that are adding to their family.

But I'm feeling something.

Something funny in my heart and tummy.

Is it jealousy?  Can you actually be jealous of that?

Or am I jealous that they felt "the fever" enough to follow through and have another baby?

Am I jealous that they now have a family of four?

Am I jealous that they were in a place that they knew another baby would fit right in?

Am I jealous that they felt enough control in their life to expand the family?

Am I jealous that they can actually conceive?  "Normally?"

I have been so back and forth on this topic and I get "the fever" but it goes away.  My husband gets "the fever" and then has a bad night with Kage and changes his mind.  We both go back and forth....but I guess the bottom line is that yes, we both want another child.  But when?  And to what extreme will we go to have one?

Kin will be three in a little over five months.  {oh my God.  THREE?!  How?!  Already?!}  I don't want that big of a gap in age with my children!  I would have to get pregnant now!  And do I really want to start the fertility drugs again?!  NO!  I hated being on them!  Can we have another child in this apartment?  Well, yes, I guess if we had to.  Can we afford two children?  Again, yes, if we had to.  Can we afford to give two children the life that we want for them?  I don't know.  Is it fair to take away from Kage to give her a sibling?  What we take away would be so much over-paid by the love and companionship of a sibling.  Right?

Can I imagine the hell of early pregnancy sickness while taking care of a two (and a half!) year old?  Heck no!  Ugh.  That is what sucks the most.

And can we handle it?  Are we strong enough?

Can I handle it?

copyright Leasa Jones Photography

copyright Leasa Jones Photography
I miss the tiny baby (even though that lasts only a couple weeks!), I miss the cuddles, the love, the breastfeeding!  Yes, breastfeeding was amazing for me.  I miss it so much.  The closeness, the bonding, the love!  And when I think of having two little people to love as much as I love KG, it seems like a no-brainer.

Now, I just need to call my doctor and make that appointment.  That's the hard part.

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