And part of me wonders if it's because I know that we can't just go out and do it. Almost like it's safe to only talk about it, because more than likely, it won't happen?
Yesterday at Kinley's dance class, one of the moms that I was visiting with asked me if we were planning to have more. I always answer that question with the, "oh someday, yes, we probably will" and act uncertain. Why don't I just be honest? So yesterday, I was honest. I told her, yes, we wanted to have more but it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant. But we are trying.
I said it.
She acted a little embarrassed for asking after she realized that it wasn't going to be a simple yes or no answer. But I'm tired of not being honest about it. If you ask, you're going to hear it! I threw the question back at her and she replied that she is 10 weeks pregnant.
Punch in the gut.
I haven't felt that in a very long time. And then I felt embarrassed as I tried to fake enthusiastic questioning all about her bun in the oven. I mean, I was happy for her and her daughter. It took her a long time (well, 10 months isn't that long, really) to conceive this baby.
Before we conceived Kinley, every time I would see a pregnant woman or hear about someone getting pregnant, I was sucker punched in the gut. It was that extreme jealousy, and being envious, and just craving that so bad for us.
It was that reaction that made me realize that I had it bad.
I had a dream about it the night before. I dreamed that I was at my doctor for testing and he found out that I was already pregnant. I woke up so mad! How dare my dreams tease me like this!
And yesterday when Richie got home from work, I proudly beamed that I had finally selected a boy's name. He was a little confused as to why this was even part of the conversation, but I had to tell him. A boy's name is something that we've never really "nailed down"...actually, we don't have either name selected even if we were to have more children. We just aren't that kind, I guess. To worry about it until it's time?
Kinley is feeling it too. She talks about her "brudder" a lot. Last night in her bath, she was playing with her baby and when I asked it's name, she said "brudder." She wants another baby-a sibling.
I'm more anxious than ever to get this Clomid started. To test the waters to see if we can make this happen.