Sunday, February 6, 2011

Anchored In

I answered Joliet because that was where I felt the most anchored.  The most protected.  The most safe.  The most secure.  The most rooted.  The most permanent.  It was home.

Kind of funny, isn't it?  I felt safe and secure....  But I did.  At one point in time.  For a very long time, actually. 

I had roots there.  I had permanence. 

Permanence is such a huge thing.  HUGE.

And what was the hardest thing to grasp, is that I don't have that now.

We are living temporary.  Short term.  Right now.

It's no wonder that I feel so uneasy and feel the need to just grab at anything.

My error has been to search for an anchor, to hold me still and hold me steady, in someone else.  I think I could safely say that I was raised that way.  I was "groomed" to look for that stability in someone else.

Now, it's time to look inward.  It's time to hold myself accountable.  Time to be my own anchor.

And while I have some amazingly great things going for me in my life right now, there are a few things that need a lot of work.  This is one of them.

So now I start on the journey of figuring out what this means.  How do I fill the void of permanence?  How do I make myself feel anchored?

I don't see Dr. Laura for a month.  We have my family coming up for a visit and then we'll be I have several weeks to roll this "anchor" idea in my mind.  To take hold of what it means, to me.  To figure out what to do and where to go with it. 

And while I don't expect it to be fixed and all better in four weeks, or four months for that matter, I do plan to be working on it until I can say that I am feeling somewhat more comfortable with holding myself accountable.  And trusting myself...enough so that I can count on myself to be there if no one else is.

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