Daddy Bully

We had such a great night!  I got done working today and got to have a nice conversation with one of my students' mothers.  She was such a delight!  I really am starting to feel like a teacher.  And that's a great feeling.

I left school before four o'clock today to try and get back early enough for R and I to both pick up Kage from day care.  It's a special treat for her if we can both make it to pick her up.  She just squeals with delight when she sees mommy and daddy walk into her classroom.  And hearing her "mommy" "daddy" makes our hearts swell with pride. 

City Christmas lights are already on!

It's no secret that I'm a certified psycho mommy.  I jump down any one's throat if I even think that my daughter isn't getting top notch care.  And so, we recently changed her provider.  Again.  I know, I know.  This is like her fourth provider in her short one year of day care life.  But I had my reasons.  Drop-offs were TERRIBLE.  She cried, I cried.  It was just not good.  And then the teachers were not following my directions when I would request her having juice with snacks and milk with lunch.  They gave her milk at lunch and snacks.  Well....she has poop issues.  The girl needs apple juice once a day.  And.  She isn't too keen on milk.  Since giving up the momma milk at 15 months, she's just not taken to cow's milk all that well.  So, she wasn't drinking enough of the milk to satisfy her daily liquid intake.  And, in turn, wasn't having enough wet diapers.

I took the daily sheets to her pediatrician and she agreed.  It wasn't sufficient, nor was it healthy.  So, we got the handy dandy doctor's note stating that she must have juice or water offered all throughout the day.  The whole week following that note being brought in.....she had milk with snack and lunch.

I gave up.

So we did decide to stay with the same school, just switched to a different campus.  I mean, I am thrilled, beyond thrilled with their curriculum and program.  I can't say enough about how much Kinley has learned already.  But the campus just wasn't a good fit. 

Don't get me wrong, it was so nice being able to walk her there and walk to pick her up.  But let's face it, I'm so lazy.  I walked one time.  So now the new campus is about 10 minutes away, but it's on the way to work for both of us.  And.  She loves it.  Like, really, really loves it.

And I love it.  The girl counts to ten and knows most of her ABCs.  She sings the words to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."  She sings the words to "The Wheels On the Bus" and she identifies colors.  Every day we are learning new things that she has learned through their program.   I am beyond happy with that.  My baby is so smart.  So smart.  And so pretty.  And I love her. 

So back to today....we both went to pick her up and it sure was a blessed treat, for sure.  We took her to eat at McDonald's.  Yes, I am a bad mom.  Whatever.

We went to a fancy McDonald's in a nice, ritzy area.  Does that improve my bad mom status?  The Play land was posh.  I loved it.  She was in heaven.  Played her little heart out. Ate a little. 

You see, we can't do restaurants anymore.  The child doesn't eat (for us....at day care, she eats 2 and 3 helpings of lunch).  So taking her to a restaurant means that she'll just fight us to get down and run.  She no longer does a high chair or booster.  She's big girl chair all the way.  Lord help us. 

So a kid friendly restaurant is all that we are allowed.  Mac and Don's it is.

She ate (some) and we let her play for a bit.  And then we headed to family night at the local play place.  This place rocks.  It has so many climbing things and slides and bounce houses and an art room and a coffee bar and pizza.  And on Friday nights, it's only $5 per child.  Score!  Cheap and fun! 

We had a blast.  The last time that we went, she was so tiny and could barely slide on her own.  Tonight, she was running us ragged.  She was climbing and sliding and running and playing.  Blew us away. 

She climbed to the top of the twisty slide, and she always sits and waits at the top for us to count, 1-2-3.  Well, some rambunctious boys that looked to be about 3 or 4, came up behind her and were just about to give her a push.  I jumped over and yelled, "Don't you push her!" and before I could get that last word out.....Daddy ran right up to the boy and got in his face and growled, "You wait your turn!" 

I about died laughing!  Daddy to the rescue!  The boy just looked at him and his partner in crime behind him just said, "Yeah, wait your turn!"  Talk about throwing your buddy under the bus!  Kage was oblivious to anything happening. 

It kind of makes me smile to see my husband become such a protective daddy.  No one will ever hurt his little girl.  And if they do....watch out!

1 - 2 - 3!

Blurred because we were on the move!

But I guess I feel the same way....that little girl is our whole world. 

Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music!

Oh lordy, lordy!  I never thought Friday would come this week!  It was a week.  Ugh.

I guess that I don't even know where to begin.  It's hard playing weekend catch-up on the blog.  And I am not even sure why I started blogging at this particular moment....R is out getting us dinner at a local place and I'm sitting here with Kage while she munches on chicken nuggets and fries.  I know, I know.  Sooo healthy.  Don't worry.  She has corn on her plate too.  And ketchup.  And she's dipping the corn in the ketchup.  She's adventurous, what can I say?

Can I brag on myself a little bit?  Of course I can!  I blog.  I can say whatever I want here!  So let me just say that I totally rocked out the teaching this this week.  And after the week I had, I needed that confirmation from my supervisor today.  Monday and Tuesday of this week, I was ready to drop out and just say forget it.  Today?  I am a teaching rock star.  And my supervisor....agrees.  She told me that I am the top student teacher in her group.  She was singing my praises and I was given "Proficient" on the majority of the rubric for my 5 week assessment.  She claims that only student teachers at the end of the semester earn "Proficient."  I take that as a huge pat on the back. 

I am feeling so proud of myself. 

Makes me wish that I could celebrate tonight.  But, I can't.  Toddler, remember?

We walked to Kinley's new day care yesterday to drop off the paperwork.  And yes, I said that we walked there.  It's that close.  Like two minutes from our door to theirs.  No joke.

She did not want to leave!  That makes me feel so much better about my decision.  Her current sitter is trying everything in her power to keep her....but yet the one thing that I want her to do, she doesn't.  She gives me no info about her day.  At all.  And I hate that.
We had to miss our cupcake Friday this week due to my (uber successful) evaluation going over so long...but Kinley was just as happy with the baggie of grapes that I saved her from my lunch.  I always save something for her from my lunch.  It makes her day.

And to celebrate my other big feat this week....I met my own personal goal.  I used the Smart Board for my lessons this week.  And can finally say that I'm confident and comfortable using it.  Supposedly, it will set me apart from other applicants when it comes to interviewing.  So let's hope that rings true!

This momma needs a j-o-b!

I guess that about wraps up my update (and my free time )....so I look forward to catching up with everyone this weekend!

Tell me what your thoughts would be....

This morning I received this picture from Kage's babysitter.  Along with it came this message:

She must have been tired from the weekend.  This is how tired she is every morning.

To which I replied:

Oh my gosh!  Poor baby girl.  She was up late last night with grandma and grandpa swimming at their hotel.

And then she said:

She fell fast asleep today but she does this almost everyday.  She loves to climb on the couch to snuggle with my fluffy blanket and watch TV.

Let me dissect:
My child refuses to chill on the couch.  Like, ever. 
Why is she not being stimulated with puzzles or books or another child to play with or coloring or human contact?
Where is the fluffy blanket that she loves to snuggle?
Why does it look like she was sat there and left to pass out?
Why is she in front of the TV when you "advertised" educational setting?
If she does this everyday, don't you think that maybe you should be changing the routine or something to stimulate her?

I could go on and on.  But this picture, the one that was burned into my brain all day long, the one that breaks my heart to see....

Is reason enough to be pulling her out and putting her where she deserves to be.

A day care update...

We made the big move.  Well, we're ready to make the big move.  I gave our current babysitter her notice and paid our deposit at the new school.
Now I just have to do the mountain of paperwork for the new place and her first day will be September 29.  I asked my husband to take the day off on the 29th to allow her a half day of transition.  Then on Friday, I will leave right after the bell rings to get her as early as possible. 

Monday, October 3 will be her first real full day.

Her current sitter really made me feel guilty about pulling her out.  She had tears in her eyes and sent me a big, long text about how upset her kids were..etc, etc.  I felt so bad!  It made me really question my decision.

And then on Friday (the day I gave her notice), I got no info on Kinley the whole day.  So, no clue when she napped, no clue when/what she ate, no clue on her diaper changes.

That sealed the deal.

I'm tired of being in the dark when it comes to my own daughter. 

If the lack of communication continues, I will pull her sooner.  But I wanted to at least give her a week notice.  That's the nice thing to do, right?

I'm really getting excited about the new place.  I think that Kage is going to really blossom having this curriculum and structure every day.  AND, I found out that picture day is during her first week.  So she'll be in the class picture and get fall pictures taken.  It's the little things. 

Life is all about the little things.

I sometimes worry that she'll never have pictures of
her and I experiencing life.  I'm always behind the
camera.
I promise, I do things with her too.  No one takes pictures
of it though.

Sandboxes aren't her thing.  She finally decided to walk in the one at
the zoo but she won't touch the sand or take her shoes off.  She hates
getting dirty.  And this day, I obviously didn't plan for a stop at the
sandbox--note the white tights and dress shoes.  Oh well.

Daddy, Kinley and Grandpa

Welcome!

Don't I feel like a slacker!  Thanks to a lovely comment friend, I see that I am featured *insert my Roger Rabbit style happy dance* over at For The Love of Blogs.  Talk about exciting!  Yea, yea....so I'm a bit vain.  Whatever.  Who doesn't like some attention every now and then?!

So if you are joining me from FTLOB, welcome!  Feel free to make yourself at home and click on the follow link over there---->  or down below.... either way, I would love to have you as a follower friend.

Enough begging for blog love, right?

I have fallen in love with a new day care.  It is soooooo gorgeous.  And their curriculum is one that even makes picky ole' me swoon.  Having worked in a child care setting for numerous years, and even worked as a center director for a large corporate child care company, I know quality child care curriculum.  I've read their website, talked to them on the phone twice, and this morning we went over and stared in the windows of all of the rooms.  Yes, we looked like burglars.  Well, aside from the fact that burglars don't wear gray yoga pants and bright yellow t-shirts.  And no, my husband wasn't in gray yoga pants or a yellow shirt.  But he wasn't in burglar attire either. 
Why can't they just be open today?!

We are going to tour it this week and hopefully sign on the dotted line and get her enrolled.

The only bad part?  It's $276 a WEEK.  A WEEK!  *gulp*

Catch my breath.

She's worth it.  Their program is worth it. 

And....mom offered to pick up the $76 more than we currently pay at our over-priced sitter.  So really, we aren't out any more money.  Of course we hope to not need mom's help, but glad that it's there if we do need it.  But most of all, I am so thrilled that she's going to be in a top-notch program. 

Can you tell I'm excited?

Aside from all of the other reasons that I talked about the other day, I forgot to mention the worst part...she's picked up on some not-so-nice language.  She tells us to "go away" and she yells "stop" and she screams "no" and once told my husband to "shut up."    Those are all big no-no's in our home.  And they are recent as of two weeks ago.  I can only assume that she's picked them up from one of the other children in her care. 
I'm not naive and thinking that she won't hear them at this new place, I get it that kids say those things...but I'm hoping for better supervision where talk like that isn't tolerated. 

Counting her money from her piggy bank!  Time to make a deposit!

How much do you trust?

I know that nothing will ever be good enough.  No one will ever be me.  No one can even come close.  But how much do you trust your mother's instinct?

Kage is in her second-ever home day care.  The first one that we used was eh--so, so.  The second (our current), I thought I loved.  She painted the perfect picture of exactly what we wanted for Kin.  Home cooked meals, preschool curriculum, lots of parent communication, social skills with a small group setting with another little girl her age...and her hours were ideal.  We were sold!

Three weeks into her full time schedule and things aren't as they once seemed to be.  The "home-cooked meals" have become hot dogs several days a week.  The preschool curriculum seems non-existent.  The parent communication has dwindled down to a handful of texts a day saying:  "K awake" or "K sleeping."  I am rarely made aware of what she's eating and never told about her diaper changes or what she did all day.  The small group setting has quickly grown to seven (7!) children in her care.  Two of those are 4 months old.  And her availability till 6 p.m. has turned into me getting text messages at 3:30 asking when I'll be there to get her.  Hmmmm.

My mother's instinct jumped into hyperdrive last week.  When I started getting texts telling me that Kage was falling asleep on the couch twenty minutes after we dropped her off.  And she's been doing it daily.  Our child NEVER falls asleep on the couch.  Like, ever.  Now, I understand that children do different things at day care than they do at home--I get that.  But why is she just passing out on the couch?  Is she bored?  Is she left unsupervised?  What is going on?

We pay a pretty hefty price for day care, or hefty to us....$200 a week.  I expect a lot for that amount of money.  I expect a lot for my little girl.  She deserves the very, very best.  Sadly, I'm not sure I feel confident that she's receiving that.

My husband thinks I'm overly picky--like, expecting the world and never going to find it in any childcare situation.  And I am.  But she's my baby!  She deserves better!  I have been told that she's advanced, or smart, and I want her to blossom.  I want to nurture her mind! Now is the time for children to feed their minds and learn and explore!  Not pass out on the couch in front of a TV.

So I'm torn.  Do I just suck it up and be content that she's just at an overpriced babysitter?  Or do I get angry and pull her out and search for something better?

I did go and tour a corporate day care center today.  While I love that they have formal parent communication and monthly menus....I just felt that it was a puppy mill for babies.  It wasn't very clean feeling and I just felt dirty when I left.  Aaaand, it was $276 a week.  Ouch.

What would you do?  Would you trust your mommy instinct and believe that she's not in the right place?  Should I just chill out?

Enjoying a cookie treat after day care

Riding the horsey at the grocery

Shopping for a new toy....she wanted two!  We told her to only
choose one, so she decided on the Lucy look-alike.  Way cute!

Hitting bottom only brings you up

I have been completely exhausted lately.  Like, I'm talking first trimester exhausted.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  Not a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks.  But I'm that tired.  I attribute it to my lack of gym visits....and the stress of school (a ten page paper and an exam in one week).....and I have a toddler that goes a million miles a minute.  So yeah, I'm pretty freakin' tired.

Yesterday I took Kage to her last day of day care with D.  I mentioned before that we had decided to change providers because "day care lady" was just way too far away.  And she is.  I was so happy with my decision.  Until I picked her up from her last day.  I cried.  Day care lady cried.  And her little boy asked if Kin would be back "after the next day."  Broke my heart.  She was BFFs with those two little boys and the whole family just adored her.  Day care lady wrote me this long letter about how much they enjoyed having Kin share her days with them and all of the adventures that they had together.  And then she gave me tons of pictures of her with the boys over the last 7 months.  They were true BFFs.  It pains me to take her somewhere else now.  I just have to keep reminding myself that she will be happy at the new place too....and we won't be burning a half tank of gas just to drop her off and pick her up. 

There are always play dates...... right?

While I think that I bombed my paper for this class (I totally deserve the bad grade that I expect), I was handed the exam and knew every single essay.  Well, I didn't know one part of one question, but it was minor.  I expect (and deserve) a good grade on that puppy!

It's finally Friday (and feels like Wednesday) and I have zero plans or agendas until Tuesday.  That feels so good.  I needed this break.  This week has killed me.

We had our counseling session on Wednesday and I think that things hit rock bottom.  That session has been the hardest one yet.  I never cry.  Well, I never cry in therapy.  Because I'm always so pissed.  But this time, we both were in tears as separation was brought up and discussed. 

Wow.

How did we get to this point?  How did it get that bad?  When did it fall apart?

And while the therapist asked about separation boundaries and how Kinley would be "shared" I just felt my world start to spin.  She asked how long we should be apart.  I said that I wanted to miss him again.  She asked how often he would see Kinley and under what terms.  I said that he could see her whenever he wanted.  He asked if he could share bedtime with her every night.  Of course, I said. 

It's not a good place to be. 

And maybe that new level of low is why I feel so overwhelmed by exhaustion.

We walked out of our appointment in silence and didn't really speak that much that night.  The therapist told us to think about separation boundaries and expectations and we would meet again on Monday to discuss it....

That next morning, I woke up with a refreshed tolerance.  It was almost as if the tolerance fairy visited me and sprinkled my mind with a renewed sense of "I can do this."  When I was ready to break the day before, I found a place in me that wasn't so uptight.  I found a place in me that could try one more time.  I found a part of me that understood in a new light.

When it comes down to the bottom line, I know that he loves me more than any man could.  I know that he is the only person on this Earth that loves my daughter as much as I do.  I know that he is trying to fix what is broken.  And I'm starting to think that what is broken is me.  He can't fix me.  Only I can fix me.

I became so wrapped up in everything that I felt was wrong and broken and unhappy that it consumed my every breath.  All that I could see was the negative. 

Part of me thinks that I need to put my family in bubble wrap for a few weeks.  We need to only focus on us, close out the outside world and just take time to heal. 

I think that it took hitting the bottom, flat on my face, and the thought of breaking up this family to know what was about to happen. 

Maybe this marriage isn't perfect.  Okay, I KNOW it's not perfect....  but it is all that Kinley knows for a family.  And she loves us both.  Walking away from the marriage is walking away from Kinley's family.  She deserves more than that.  And the reasons that we were walking away were really not worth it.  I let the little things consume me. 

It's very hard, very, very hard to wipe the slate and start again.  There is so much damage and so much hurt and so many sad feelings.  It won't be easy.  But I think that the thought of starting again and both of us realizing that it's eggshell walking time again, we may get through it.

I pray that it isn't just a fake sense of hope that I feel.  I pray that this really won't blow up in my face.  It has been so long since I've had any feeling of hope in this relationship.  I'm scared to feel it now.  I'm scared to trust it when nothing has really changed other than one therapy session and the discussion of "sharing" Kinley and living separate for a few months.  Maybe that was enough to scare us both straight.

And maybe he isn't feeling the renewed hope that I am.

I don't think that either of us feel "safe" enough to discuss it yet.  So we don't.  Yet.

But, I beg and plead with God to not let this be a fake sense of hope.  Please don't let this bounce back to the low we felt just a few days ago.  Please let this be a new starting point.  My heart can't take the pain.

She always checks to be sure that she didn't lose her shadow.

Back to school, back to school

Ohhhhhhh
Back To School
Back To School
To Prove To Dad That I'm Not A Fool
I've Got My, Lunch Packed Up
My Boots Tied Tight
I Hope I Don't Get In A Fight
Ohhhh
Back To School
Back To School
Back To School

-Adam Sandler in Billy Madison-

I survived.  And Kinley survived.  We survived.

Tonight, I'm drained.  Exhausted at a new level that I vaguely remember from Kinley's first few weeks.  I'm tired.

We were up till eleven last night, getting my books ready, packing my school supplies (like a five-year-old, I tell ya) and then packing up all of Kinley's supplies. 

Kinley decided to have a 2 a.m. date for nursing and then I was up at 4:30 with that persistant alarm.  Ugh.  I was able to get ready and out the door only a few minutes late.  My husband took Kinley to daycare for me to save me some time.  We had to run out and buy a car seat for his truck last night since he'll be splitting the pick-up and drop-off duties with me.

Class was good.  Seems a bit more difficult than I remember, but then again, I'm very much out of practice.   But man, my passion was ALIVE with the talk of classroom rules and procedures and lesson plans and those little tricks that work so well at getting through to those little minds.  I'm so ready to be back and I'm so ready to get done!

I arrived on campus about a half hour early.  Which turned out to be good because the parking lot and walkway was a thin layer of ice.  Obviously, I arrived earlier than the salt scatter-outer did and therefore, the ice was still very slick.  So I slid my way through the parking lot and up to the doors, praying that my hooker boots wouldn't go flying up and over my head as I slipped and wiped it on my way in.  I didn't though, the hooker boots stayed firmly on the ground.  I made it safely.  I confidently walked through the main building on my way up to the third floor where the education wing is located.  I took the stairs because "I guess I should just work on getting myself some exercise while I'm at this whole school thing" and ummm, yeah, three flights of stairs kicked my butt.  I was huffing and puffing by the time that I made it up.  With my baby-blue back pack on my back and my green plaid lunch bag (told you, five-year old) in hand, I was on a mission.  I had to find room D2447.  I walked around and around and around and couldn't find the room!  Duh Joy, you were on D3, not D2.  So I guess the class isn't in the Education wing after all.  That's dumb.  So I took the elevator (see, I'm getting smarter already!) to the second floor and found my class.

Lucky me, I arrived to the classroom at the exact time as one of my professors did.  The professor that I had the last time that I was in this Lab.  Oh joy.  She didn't remember me.  Obviously.  Thank God. 

The next person to walk through the door was a very familiar face.  It was a girl that I was in Intro to Teaching with about four years ago.  We hugged and were so happy to see each other.  It was a breath of fresh air to see a familiar face.  And shock my socks, here comes *another* girl from my Intro group!  There were three of us that were "left behind" and getting back into the flow of things.  Looks like I'm not alone.

The day was long.  The assignments have already accumulated and it seems as though I'm already behind even though I know that I'm not.

It's going to be a great semester, I will keep telling myself that, anyway.  I'm not a fan of the commute, but it's do-able.

Kinley did fabulous at day-care, despite the short nap and the random outbursts of screaming.  (Teething maybe?)  Two more days this week and then I get a break.  It's hard getting back out there after being at home for 13 months!

Cried all day long!

I have a crying headache.  They are the worst kind.  I'm not usually a big crier, not usually.  But today, I made up for lost time.

My intentions for today were to get up at 4:30 and act like it was a school day.  I wanted to wake up, get myself ready, get Kinley ready for day care, etc  Even though I don't start till next week, this week is my "dry run" week.  Well, all was good with the intentions...until Kinley got me up at 4:00 to nurse, I went back to bed at 4:30 to just have some pillow talk with the husband and then the next thing I know, it's 6:30.  Crap.  I fell asleep.

So I hurriedly jumped into the shower and pretended that it was 4:30.  Oh well.

Kinley got up at 7 and we started our day.  I knew that I had to be out of the house no later than 10:45 so that I had time to stop and make a copy of my license for her day care lady (I'll just call her D, sounds so much better than "day care lady".....reminds me of "lunch lady" and that's not a very nice title). 

I made her lunch and packed it into little containers.  I packaged up two snacks and her bottled water, her sippy cup and extra outfit.  Cleaned out the diaper bag, because it holds all things baby and all things non-baby (coupons, receipts, wrappers, ummmm, trash).  I couldn't let her see my unorganized diaper bag.  How embarrassing.  So I cleaned that out and then printed out the little Kinley forms that I made to explain her day at home so far and what to expect for the rest of the afternoon.  Yes, I made "Kinley's Day" forms.  With her picture on them and a cute font.  Sue me.

Only five minutes late, we were out of the house.  I got my license copied at the cute little copy shop down the road (I love that place, the little old man owner is so stinkin' cute.  Well, not really, but kinda.  And his name is Sterling.  Love it.) and on to day care we went.  She lives only fifteen minutes from us, so it's a short drive. 

I used our time in the car to explain to Kinley that mommy was going to be going to school and she would be going to play with "D" and her two boys "J" and "M" and that she would have so much fun and that mommy would always come back.  By this point in the story, I'm sobbing and my mascara is running and I'm spending more time turned around looking at her to make sure she's fine with everything, instead of paying attention to the road.  (Ummmm, it's not texters that are the problem, it's moms like me.)  She just kept looking at me like "mommy, why are you crying?!"  She obviously didn't care at all about what was going to happen.  She had no clue.  But I did.  And I cried.  Hard.  And I had her Winnie the Pooh doll up my shirt the whole way in hopes that it would somehow soak in every last ounce of my scent to help ease her into her afternoon nap while I was away. 

I managed to drop her off without crying.  And she didn't cry either.  It was rather simple, actually. 

But I cried all the way to the salon.

Oh, the salon.  How I wish I had never made it there.

Let me start by saying that these are the pictures that I took with me and went over with the stylist.

I told the stylist (I don't even want to call her that) that I liked the top picture best.  She asked if I wanted that color and I said no...I want my natural color, sans highlights.  Girl that cuts hair then says, "I love when clients bring pictures so that I know exactly what they want."  Hmmm.  I then explain to her that I want to give to Locks of Love but didn't think I would be cutting enough.  She agreed with me and said that they need at least 6 inches and I would only be losing about five.   Ummmm, okay.  Great.

The girl that cuts hair then says, "I'm just going to do a quick dry cut so that I don't have to apply color to a ton of hair that I'm going to cut off anyway."  Sure.  Great.  Whatever.  You're the "professional."

Whack, whack, whack.

Wow.  Okay.  I'm okay with that.  I was prepared for a shorter length. 

She applied the color.  I sat under the dryer.  She washed the color out.  Sat me back in her chair.  And she began to Edward Scissor Hands my head.

I was panicked.  She just didn't stop cutting!  I said to her, "Ummmm, it's getting really short" and she said "it's the layers...it looks like more than it is."  I just kept telling myself that it just looked shorter from the front and that I had my "to my armpit" length in the back.

She started to dry my hair with the round brush and blow dryer and I think that it was at that moment that she realized that she messed up.

She dried it and dried it and brushed it and brushed it.

Stop lady!  You're not going to stretch it.  You're not going to pull it out longer.  YOU MESSED UP.

It was all that I could do to get out of there before breaking down into tears. 

I paid the $105 and ran out.

I haven't cried so hard in years.

My pride and joy....my long hair....is gone.

She cut almost 10 inches off of my head.  And she didn't do it gracefully so that I could donate.  No, she chopped at it in little pieces so that all that was left was tiny shreds on the floor. 

And she's the salon manager. 

Don't go to Ulta in Wheaton.  Please.  (and I don't live in Wheaton, so don't stalk me there, you won't find me.  and if you are a stalker, go to Ulta there in Wheaton, Shana does an amazing job.)

Now what?  I'm ugly.  I hate it.  My hair is not what I wanted and I have no idea how she got this from the pictures I brought to her.  No idea.

Let it be known, my natural color is not almost black.  Great matching job there, genius.

My husband offered to go and get me extensions.  I just want my hair back.  Too bad there is no return policy.

Weaning myself

Last night we played catch-up on our shows.  We watched The Middle (which was freakin' hilarious!) and then Modern Family (so funny!) and finally Mike & Molly (which is a new favorite, AND they are in Chicago! sweet!).  Those three shows never disappoint and we were both cracking up through all of them. 

While watching Modern Family, I realized that the hairstyle that I've been in search of was right there in front of me.  Claire!  It's perfect!  It's long, but not too long, it looks good when she wears it straightened and when she leaves it with some wave.  I think I'm going to go for it.  And I even went so far to make an appointment.  So, it's happening.  Next week.

Isn't it cute!?  I'm not going to be that blonde, of course.  I'm doing an all over color but just because I am thinking that I'll save my highlights for summer.  And the all over color is cheaper easier to maintain.  Now I hope I won't chicken out.

Kinley and I went to visit with the day care lady (I hate calling her that, but I don't want to post her name) and the visit went well.  Kinley was a little clingy to me, but I think that it was just her shyness and not that she was uncomfortable there.  I'm still so upset about having to leave her but realize that it will be best in the long run.

Next Tuesday is my hair appointment, at noon.  So since next week is our "break her in" week and she was going to spend two half days at day care anyway, I thought I would spoil myself and get a hair appointment.  Tuesday she'll be at the sitter from 11:00 till about 4:00.  Wow, that seems like a very long time.  Is that too much for her first day?  I tried making my hair appointment for Thursday, her second day at day care, but they had no openings.  Ugh.  I'm stressing.

For the past couple of weeks, we've been dealing with Kinley getting up in the middle of the night to nurse.  She (usually) only gets up one time and normally it is around 4 a.m.  She nurses both sides and then goes back to sleep.  Why all of a sudden is she doing this?  And the even better question is, what can I do to stop it?  Now that I'm going to be back in school, the last thing that I need is to not be getting a full night's rest.  Especially since we've been spoiled with an all night sleeper since she was 9 weeks old. 

Last night (this morning), I had daddy get up and go in to her with her sippy.  She cried HARD, real tears and everything, for an HOUR.  She threw the sippy, threw the passy, threw his every attempt to calm her out the window.  I sat up in bed crying with her.  I just wanted to run in and nurse her.  But I knew that our goal was to break the cycle and I managed to wait it out.  He finally got her back to sleep.  Fifteen minutes later, she was up.  He had to get ready for work, so I went in and nursed her.  She's back to sleep now. 

So she got what she wanted, and we lost an hour of sleep.

I am beginning to question my decision to not wean at her first birthday.  I should have done it.  And I admit that I didn't do it because *I* wasn't ready to wean.  I wasn't ready to close that chapter.  Weaning her means that she's growing up, she's not my baby anymore, she's a big girl.  That's a big pill to swallow.  I told myself that I would wean BY 15 months.  That's coming up really quickly.

With school starting, I'm really feeling the stress of not weaning.  And because of it, I'm facing this schedule:  wake up at 4:30 (I'm sure I'll be up with her at 4:00 anyway, if things continue as they have been), shower, get ready, pack Kinley's food for day care, eat breakfast.  By 5:30 I will need to get Kinley up, nurse her and get the car loaded.  I have to leave the house NO LATER than 6:15 so that I can drop her off by 6:30 and make it to class in time. 

I'm doing the "dry run" commute to school next week during her half days at day care...so maybe I'll be able to push my time a little.  Or I hope I can push my time a little later. 

But if I wasn't nursing still, I could let her sleep till 6 and possibly 6:30.  Ugh.  A few more months and hopefully I'll be ready to wean.

A newborn baby has only three demands.  They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence.  Breastfeeding satisfies all three.  ~Grantly Dick-Read

Run Forest, Run

I am a ball of nerves!  Today I'm going to visit the home day care where Kinley will be starting NEXT WEEK.  Well, not technically "starting" next week....but she's going there for two half days next week.  But then the following week, she's going two FULL days! 

I have not left my baby more than a handful of times in her (almost) 13 months of life.  Knowing that I have to be away from her for a full day, twice a week, is almost too much.  My anxiety is through the roof.

There is no doubt that she's going to be in great hands.  I was very choosy with her provider.  But no one compares to mommy's care.  Trust me, I know how fortunate I have been to be her only caregiver for the last 12 months.  I don't take that for granted for one second.  And I know that I can't keep it just her and I forever.  Eventually she's going to want to be away from me.  She's going to be so excited to go to "day care" and play with the two little boys there.  The new toys, new environment.  It's me.  I'm scared.  Not her.

I guess it's more than just her going to day care.  Her going to day care also means that I am going back to school.  That is scary.  I've been out for so long.  What if I've forgotten the ropes?  What if everything has changed and I don't know what I'm doing?  I don't even know if I'll remember how to write a lesson plan!  What if they have changed how lesson plans are written?!  Now I understand why they don't encourage leaving mid program and then returning.  Now I get it.

And typical Joy just wants to quit and run.

Just throw up my hands and say "forget it," it's too hard and I can't do it.  It's not worth the trouble.  I don't know how to do it.  I don't want to look stupid.  I don't know anyone in my program anymore.  I'll just fall behind and never catch on.  The instructors will treat me differently because I quit before (and one of the instructors that I have now, was the one that I submitted my withdrawal too, ugh--so she knows).  It's just not worth the embarrassment.

There, my excuses are out.

Now let me move past them.

I want to be there more than anyone else.  I want to finish because that is what I dream of doing.  I want to make Kinley proud of her mommy for getting through it, although its scary and unknown.  I owe this new start to myself.  I want to be able to support myself and my daughter with a respected career that I know I deserve.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I am there for ME.  And for Kinley.  I'm not there to make friends (although that would be nice), I am there to graduate.  I am there to learn.  I am there to graduate.

Running is so much easier.  Why is that?  It's not actually easy to run away from problems.  But so easy to choose that option when staying and toughing it out truly is the easy way.  I guess it's not about ease but more about being scared.  Scared to fail.  If you run, you don't feel like you failed.  But you do.  Just in another sense.

I read a book during the holiday week(s) and just enveloped the story completely.  It's about a woman who is getting her new start, in a small southern town (I always said I would go to Georgia, not sure why, it just sounds so southern and pretty).  I don't want to give away too much of the story. 

I always used to dream of running and starting over somewhere where no one knew me.  No one knew anything about me, other than what I told them.  I don't dream of this much anymore, now that I am a mom.  But before I sure did.  I think everyone dreams of that.  What a refreshing thought....to start over new.  Right about now, that sounds nice!  I wouldn't have to deal with childcare, I wouldn't have to deal with starting school, I wouldn't have to deal with facing my own faults and short comings by going to my therapist.  Man, wouldn't life be easy!  Easy, but not very rewarding. 

Just like in that story, life always comes back to find you.  These scary issues I had with school three or four years ago are still here today.  They didn't go anywhere, I did.  Problems always wait for you, right where you left them. 

It's easy to make them go away though, just turn around and face them.  I'm telling myself this.  This is my mantra.  Turn around, face the problems, one at a time.  Look at them for what they are and not what you think they are.  Lean on the people that love you and care about you.  This too shall pass.