Friday, July 8, 2011

Hitting bottom only brings you up

I have been completely exhausted lately.  Like, I'm talking first trimester exhausted.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  Not a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks.  But I'm that tired.  I attribute it to my lack of gym visits....and the stress of school (a ten page paper and an exam in one week).....and I have a toddler that goes a million miles a minute.  So yeah, I'm pretty freakin' tired.

Yesterday I took Kage to her last day of day care with D.  I mentioned before that we had decided to change providers because "day care lady" was just way too far away.  And she is.  I was so happy with my decision.  Until I picked her up from her last day.  I cried.  Day care lady cried.  And her little boy asked if Kin would be back "after the next day."  Broke my heart.  She was BFFs with those two little boys and the whole family just adored her.  Day care lady wrote me this long letter about how much they enjoyed having Kin share her days with them and all of the adventures that they had together.  And then she gave me tons of pictures of her with the boys over the last 7 months.  They were true BFFs.  It pains me to take her somewhere else now.  I just have to keep reminding myself that she will be happy at the new place too....and we won't be burning a half tank of gas just to drop her off and pick her up. 

There are always play dates...... right?

While I think that I bombed my paper for this class (I totally deserve the bad grade that I expect), I was handed the exam and knew every single essay.  Well, I didn't know one part of one question, but it was minor.  I expect (and deserve) a good grade on that puppy!

It's finally Friday (and feels like Wednesday) and I have zero plans or agendas until Tuesday.  That feels so good.  I needed this break.  This week has killed me.

We had our counseling session on Wednesday and I think that things hit rock bottom.  That session has been the hardest one yet.  I never cry.  Well, I never cry in therapy.  Because I'm always so pissed.  But this time, we both were in tears as separation was brought up and discussed. 


How did we get to this point?  How did it get that bad?  When did it fall apart?

And while the therapist asked about separation boundaries and how Kinley would be "shared" I just felt my world start to spin.  She asked how long we should be apart.  I said that I wanted to miss him again.  She asked how often he would see Kinley and under what terms.  I said that he could see her whenever he wanted.  He asked if he could share bedtime with her every night.  Of course, I said. 

It's not a good place to be. 

And maybe that new level of low is why I feel so overwhelmed by exhaustion.

We walked out of our appointment in silence and didn't really speak that much that night.  The therapist told us to think about separation boundaries and expectations and we would meet again on Monday to discuss it....

That next morning, I woke up with a refreshed tolerance.  It was almost as if the tolerance fairy visited me and sprinkled my mind with a renewed sense of "I can do this."  When I was ready to break the day before, I found a place in me that wasn't so uptight.  I found a place in me that could try one more time.  I found a part of me that understood in a new light.

When it comes down to the bottom line, I know that he loves me more than any man could.  I know that he is the only person on this Earth that loves my daughter as much as I do.  I know that he is trying to fix what is broken.  And I'm starting to think that what is broken is me.  He can't fix me.  Only I can fix me.

I became so wrapped up in everything that I felt was wrong and broken and unhappy that it consumed my every breath.  All that I could see was the negative. 

Part of me thinks that I need to put my family in bubble wrap for a few weeks.  We need to only focus on us, close out the outside world and just take time to heal. 

I think that it took hitting the bottom, flat on my face, and the thought of breaking up this family to know what was about to happen. 

Maybe this marriage isn't perfect.  Okay, I KNOW it's not perfect....  but it is all that Kinley knows for a family.  And she loves us both.  Walking away from the marriage is walking away from Kinley's family.  She deserves more than that.  And the reasons that we were walking away were really not worth it.  I let the little things consume me. 

It's very hard, very, very hard to wipe the slate and start again.  There is so much damage and so much hurt and so many sad feelings.  It won't be easy.  But I think that the thought of starting again and both of us realizing that it's eggshell walking time again, we may get through it.

I pray that it isn't just a fake sense of hope that I feel.  I pray that this really won't blow up in my face.  It has been so long since I've had any feeling of hope in this relationship.  I'm scared to feel it now.  I'm scared to trust it when nothing has really changed other than one therapy session and the discussion of "sharing" Kinley and living separate for a few months.  Maybe that was enough to scare us both straight.

And maybe he isn't feeling the renewed hope that I am.

I don't think that either of us feel "safe" enough to discuss it yet.  So we don't.  Yet.

But, I beg and plead with God to not let this be a fake sense of hope.  Please don't let this bounce back to the low we felt just a few days ago.  Please let this be a new starting point.  My heart can't take the pain.

She always checks to be sure that she didn't lose her shadow.


Anonymous said...

Very well written. I really need to think about wha is going on with me and my family now after reading this as you have opened up my eyes to a different way of thinking.

Rock bottom is where I've been for the past several months as well, and there have been times that, and I hate to admit this, have been cheating. You know. Go out with friends, have a few drinks and then really flirt with others. There have even been a few times that we kissed and made out, but not totally "did it", but it came close. I don't want that, and hopefully you don't fall into that trap. Not only that, but I would even stay at work late, or make up excuses to be away from home, workout, shop, whatever just to be away from the family.

Now, I've been married a pretty long time, 17 years, but things are low for me, and I really hope that I can take your advice in reading your blog and make things work. I don't believe in divorce or separation. Both sides of the family live relatively close by and help and get along (that really helps, believe it or not).

It's been a pleasure browsing and reading this.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand the false hope feeling you are feeling. At the same time even though you have that feeling of realization there is still a lot of work that has to be done to save all that you have. You are strong and can do it. I believe in any relationship you have to be best friends and communicate or the relationship will not work. Sometimes as women we have a tendency to overlook our others emotions and feelings. I do this as well but I try to make sure I always communicate even if I dont want too.

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