Thursday, January 6, 2011

Run Forest, Run

I am a ball of nerves!  Today I'm going to visit the home day care where Kinley will be starting NEXT WEEK.  Well, not technically "starting" next week....but she's going there for two half days next week.  But then the following week, she's going two FULL days! 

I have not left my baby more than a handful of times in her (almost) 13 months of life.  Knowing that I have to be away from her for a full day, twice a week, is almost too much.  My anxiety is through the roof.

There is no doubt that she's going to be in great hands.  I was very choosy with her provider.  But no one compares to mommy's care.  Trust me, I know how fortunate I have been to be her only caregiver for the last 12 months.  I don't take that for granted for one second.  And I know that I can't keep it just her and I forever.  Eventually she's going to want to be away from me.  She's going to be so excited to go to "day care" and play with the two little boys there.  The new toys, new environment.  It's me.  I'm scared.  Not her.

I guess it's more than just her going to day care.  Her going to day care also means that I am going back to school.  That is scary.  I've been out for so long.  What if I've forgotten the ropes?  What if everything has changed and I don't know what I'm doing?  I don't even know if I'll remember how to write a lesson plan!  What if they have changed how lesson plans are written?!  Now I understand why they don't encourage leaving mid program and then returning.  Now I get it.

And typical Joy just wants to quit and run.

Just throw up my hands and say "forget it," it's too hard and I can't do it.  It's not worth the trouble.  I don't know how to do it.  I don't want to look stupid.  I don't know anyone in my program anymore.  I'll just fall behind and never catch on.  The instructors will treat me differently because I quit before (and one of the instructors that I have now, was the one that I submitted my withdrawal too, ugh--so she knows).  It's just not worth the embarrassment.

There, my excuses are out.

Now let me move past them.

I want to be there more than anyone else.  I want to finish because that is what I dream of doing.  I want to make Kinley proud of her mommy for getting through it, although its scary and unknown.  I owe this new start to myself.  I want to be able to support myself and my daughter with a respected career that I know I deserve.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I am there for ME.  And for Kinley.  I'm not there to make friends (although that would be nice), I am there to graduate.  I am there to learn.  I am there to graduate.

Running is so much easier.  Why is that?  It's not actually easy to run away from problems.  But so easy to choose that option when staying and toughing it out truly is the easy way.  I guess it's not about ease but more about being scared.  Scared to fail.  If you run, you don't feel like you failed.  But you do.  Just in another sense.

Safe HavenI read a book during the holiday week(s) and just enveloped the story completely.  It's about a woman who is getting her new start, in a small southern town (I always said I would go to Georgia, not sure why, it just sounds so southern and pretty).  I don't want to give away too much of the story. 

I always used to dream of running and starting over somewhere where no one knew me.  No one knew anything about me, other than what I told them.  I don't dream of this much anymore, now that I am a mom.  But before I sure did.  I think everyone dreams of that.  What a refreshing start over new.  Right about now, that sounds nice!  I wouldn't have to deal with childcare, I wouldn't have to deal with starting school, I wouldn't have to deal with facing my own faults and short comings by going to my therapist.  Man, wouldn't life be easy!  Easy, but not very rewarding. 

Just like in that story, life always comes back to find you.  These scary issues I had with school three or four years ago are still here today.  They didn't go anywhere, I did.  Problems always wait for you, right where you left them. 

It's easy to make them go away though, just turn around and face them.  I'm telling myself this.  This is my mantra.  Turn around, face the problems, one at a time.  Look at them for what they are and not what you think they are.  Lean on the people that love you and care about you.  This too shall pass.

1 comment:

Heather said...

You are so brave for going back to school! Most people say they are going to and never do, I'm so proud of you for finishing what you started, and guess what! Kinley will be too, when she's old enough to understand. =) I know how hard it will be for you to leave Kinley, but I know you can do it because it is as much for her as it is for you...

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