Sometimes, I'm a litte bit too honest.

Check out how I get to start my day!  Jealous?  I found it at Super Target yesterday.  They finally brought out their fall flavors.  Finally.  I've only been asking for a few weeks now.  Geez.  When I saw it on the shelf (next to the spiced pumpkin, which I found at Aldi last week {thank you, Amanda!} so I didn't care to buy it yesterday) I grabbed it so fast you would have thought there was only one left and three crazed lunatics were jumping at it.  But no.  There was a whole row of them, and only one crazed lunatic going for it.  But I grabbed it super fast.  Threw it into my cart.  Strolled on.  I craved my coffee and longed for this morning just so that I could try my new fall flavor.  Then it hit me....caramel apple coffee?  Hmmm, doesn't even sound a bit appetizing.  Haha...I was so wrapped up in a fall flavor (I keep wanting to call it a scent) that I didn't even give it a second thought.  It's good though...I'm enjoying it and about to enjoy my second cup of it.

Kinley tried getting up again last night at about 4:00.  But as our new pediatrician told us the other day, dad has to get up and soothe her.  Because I nurse her, and I broke the rule by putting her to sleep with nursing, every night....I have become her soother, her woobie.  She wakes up and feels freaked out that her beloved boob is gone and cries.  If I run in to her, she wants her boobie friend.  We don't want her getting accustomed to middle of the night nursing (again) so dad goes in to rub her back and soothe her.  It actually works!  He said it didn't take her long to go back to sleep.  And I didn't have to get up!  Score! 

I actually feel incredibly guilty about it though. 

My soapbox has always been "just because I stay at home with my daughter, doesn't mean that I do nothing all day."  I honestly think that the majority of people feel that SAHM's do nothing but eat bon bon's and watch soaps.  Ha!  Trade me places for a week.  I am constantly feeling the need to defend my role in this family.  My husband is not one that thinks I do nothing all day.  He tells me every day that he couldn't do it.  He sometimes complains after an evening with Kinley.  She is extremely high maintenance (well duh, she's a baby!).  She can truly wear you out.  Trust me, I know.  So why do I not give myself the credit that -deep down- I know I deserve. 
Back to the midnight waking and Richie having to be up with her.  I find myself thinking "I'm home all day, I should be the one up all night.  He has to 'go to work.' " 

Some days I wonder if post-partum depression can rear its ugly head ten months late.  Not that I really feel all that depressed...but just completely exhausted.  I don't find myself crying or hating the world or feeling totally sad....so maybe depression isn't right.  But the exhaustion is completely consuming me.  I love my daughter...more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.  But sometimes, I am just tired.  The last few weeks I have caught myself laying in bed at night just dreading morning.  Dreading the fact that I have to get up and do it all again.  Laying in bed wondering if I will get a full night's sleep.  Will she wake up early or will I get my "me time" and my two cups of coffee?  Will she be in a good mood?  Will I have the energy or time to take a shower?  Will we get out of the house for errands or fresh air?  Will I have time to do my homework?  Will I have the energy to clean the house and cook dinner?  I lay there with all of these thoughts just swirling in my head and I pray to God to just let me have a day where I can "go" to work.  Am I a bad mom?  In all reality, I wouldn't trade places with anyone.  Getting to see my daughter all day, every day....it's a blessing.  But I need a break.  My mind is screaming from the inside that I need a break.

Since we've moved up here, I have not had more than one hour of alone time.  We moved here on August 23 and on September 18th (yes, I know the day) I had my eyebrows waxed so I left the house alone for about an hour.  Aside from that hour, I've been with my daughter 24/7, minus sleeping, of course.  (Oh, I lied....I did have about two hours of alone time when I went to pick-up/drop off my friend, Chris.)  How lucky am I?!  Like I said before, I am blessed and thankful to be a stay at home mom.  But I'm human too.  Mom's are human too.  Just like teachers are human too.  As a kid, you never forget the first time you see your teacher in a restaurant or grocery store....whoa!  they eat food too?! 

When I bring this up to Richie, his immediate response is "just go somewhere, I got this."  But I won't go.  I feel like I'm failing at my "job" if I go.  This can't be normal.  I worry about my school work.  Here I'm finally able to get back to school and finish what I've started and I can't even find the time to do the work for an online only class!  How am I going to juggle going to class two days a week, plus the extensive work load from those two classes.  It's not an easy lab that you can breeze through.  There is so much work involved.  Part of me wants to just throw my hands up and say "I quit, I can't do it."  But I'm tired of quitting what I want.  I always give up my needs.  It's not fair. 

I'm jealous of Richie.  I am jealous that he goes to work, has work friendships, adult conversation and interaction.  He comes home, takes a shower, eats dinner, has his twenty minute "throne time" and then watches Kinley on the floor while we watch our shows.  I am lucky if I get a shower or time to go to the bathroom alone.  Sure I could use my hour of "me time" for homework, a shower, alone time to go to the bathroom (wow, this just totally got to be TMI) but I honestly think that without the hour of "me time" I would be certifiable.  No joke.

At the same time that I'm jealous of Richie, I'm so extremely thankful to him.  He goes to work and works hard so that I can stay home.  So that I can go to school.  So that we can eat.  Kinley has a college fund and savings.  All because he works.  I guess it just comes down to the fact that we are both giving 100% of ourselves to make this life work...but we show it in different ways.

There is a balance, I'm sure.  There is always a balance.  Finding it is the hardest part.

I just want to know....am I crazy for feeling these feelings?  Am I dealing with life or is it sprinkled with a little post partum depression?

To be completely honest, I almost highlighted and hit delete on this post.  Twice.

Iron Woman

Finally!  A full night's sleep!  Kinley didn't wake up at all during the night.  And it's a good thing because Richie and I were both feeling pretty ick when we went to bed last night.  I had that ick feeling in the back of my throat....you know that one that taunts you right before you get sick?  And Richie was all stuffed up with a headache.  We were both falling asleep while trying to watch The Biggest Loser and Kinley was still playing up a storm.

She is getting so big...it seems that every single day she's learned something else.  And I love watching it happen.  This is when being at home pays off....I get to see each moment when she has that "ah-ha!" when she figures something out.  Her newest thing is pulling up.  She will only pull up to her knees but is so close to going onto her feet.  I think she's still scared, and secretly, I love that.  But she's pulling up on everything.  Everything.  It scares the bejeezes outta me and if you think that the whole "wrap your kid in bubble wrap" hasn't crossed my mind, you're not a devoted enough reader.  :)  I want to prevent every bump, bruise, scrape, heartbreak...but know that I can't.  That's got to be one of the hardest things as a mom.  But only one of the hardest.  There are about a million hard things.



Richie got off of work a little early yesterday and was able to go with me for yet another pediatrician interview.  Let me just say that this doctor knocked me off my feet!  She hit it out of the park!  It was almost like she knew exactly what  we wanted before we even opened our mouths.  I scheduled Kinley's one year (gasp!) appointment before even leaving her office.  We both were just so happy with her and her practice.  I thank my friend, Rachel, back home for referring us to her.  I now have one less load on my shoulders to carry.  Now if only I could drop that whole Shakespeare load...

Today Kinley and I are going to the police department for her carseat safety check.  She's been in her new carseat for several weeks now but the lady that does the inspections has been on vacation and just got back to me yesterday to schedule.  After that, we're heading to a mommy group play date.  It'll be our first time meeting with the group and I'm pretty nervous.  Hopefully we fit in...  Being the psycho mom that I am, I'm already stressing because it's in a mall play area and I know how badly those places breed germs.  You don't know how tempted I am to bring my Clorox Wipes and Lysol.  That would make me look too over the top though, right?  I guess there is a cushy play area for the itty bitty's to crawl around and play, so we'll see how this goes.  I'm sure that Kinley will love it.  It's just the psycho mom that will be a nervous wreck.

We had to take Kinley's mobile away yesterday.  I put her down for a nap and then jumped into the shower.  I turned on the monitor just because, I'm psycho like that.  I was not even to the conditioner stage of my shower (I shower in the exact same order every.single.time) when I heard her mobile turn on over the monitor.  I thought, hmmmm, how did she figure that out?  So I just figured that it was a short nap and she decided to get up.  Then I hear the clang (or is it klang?...actually, it wasn't a c/klang at all...the mobile is not metal, it's plastic......you get the idea) and I can't figure out what she's doing.  Then I hear a very loud "thud" and then a hard cry.  I'm guessing that she was trying to hang from the mobile.  Nice, huh.  Not really what you want to hear in the shower.  Needless to say, the shaving my legs step was nixed.  She had a nice red mark on the side of her face but she was okay.  Daddy took away the mobile last night.  Just another step toward the "not my baby anymore" life.  In all honesty, that mobile was a waste of money.  I think that the hanging from it incident was probably the most attention she has ever paid to it.

Oh, and speaking of the whole shower thing....I took this picture to prove to you how bad my 2 foot by 3 foot afro is un-ironed.  I kid you not.  It's a beastly thing, no?  Who needs a Halloween costume when you have locks like this?  Maybe I should go as the Un-Brazillian Blowout?  You've heard of the Brazillian Blowout, right?  I so want one but totally can't justify spending $200 on something that will last like 9 weeks.  Can't do it.  I am getting closer to making the time to go to Ulta to get my curl product though.  Richie keeps telling me to just go and get it and it's now becoming less of a "don't want to spend money on luxury items" to more of a "I'm too lazy to drag myself and Kinley over to Ulta" issue.  But I'm really tired of ironing my hair everyday.  And it's not really the healthiest thing to do for your hair. 

On that note, I have to go iron my hair. 

Monday Funday

I got to sleep in today!  Yesssssss.  Kinley woke up screaming at about 2:30.  Richie ran in to give her the pac {read: "pass" as in pacifier} (I have night blindness and can't ever see well enough to find the stupid pac and make it into her mouth, luckily Richie takes on this dark task) and pray that she'd go back to sleep.  She didn't.  We laid in bed trying to go back to sleep despite her crying because we were trying to "teach her."  Yeah, that never works.  The last two nights she's gotten up at the butt-crack of dawn and we are trying to get her back on schedule.  Forty-five minutes later, she was still crying.  So I gave in and went to nurse her.  She nursed one side and  fell back to sleep. 

Poor angel. 
I hate letting her cry. 

This morning I didn't even hear Richie's alarm, his shower, him getting dressed, him eating, vaguely do I remember his kiss good-bye....and I don't remember hearing him leaving behind the biggest smile for my day.  Many months ago when Kinley was just a couple of months old, he left me a "thank you" note on this board and I never erased it.  It was my daily reminder to keep on, keeping on.  This makes my heart melt.

I realized that it's okay for me to sleep in today.  I needed it.  And he doesn't think I'm lazy because of it.

I had a dream last night that just hit me deep inside and I think it's one of those that I'll carry around all day.  You know the kind.  My dad passed away almost 5 years ago.  It still hurts every.single.day.  His birthday is coming up this Sunday so it's about time for the dreams to begin.  Last night was the start of my new yearly ritual.  In my dream, I received news from a guy I went to high school with (that I'm now only facebook acquainted with) that my dad was not in fact dead, but was in jail at a local jail.  He said that he worked with him and that no one was supposed to know that he was in jail.  I was elated to know that he was still alive and here on this Earth--and I was going to get to introduce him to Kinley Grace.  I was running around trying to get things together to go and see him....but for some reason....I couldn't get there.  Something kept coming up to keep me from being ready to go.  It was terrible....he was close enough to finally see again and I couldn't get there.  I never did get to see him in my dream and for that I'm very sad.  It's the only place I can go to see him/touch him/smell him.  I hope that my next dream allows me my time with him.  I need it these days.

I'm crying too much to see the screen...must change the subject.

Last night we watched that new show "Sister Wives."  I couldn't ever live that lifestyle, basically because I'm too jealous a person.  But don't they make it seem appealing?  Wow....a couple other women to share the life tasks with?  Dang....sign me up!  But then sharing your husband?  No way.  I quit.  Game over.  And then to find out he's dating outside of the three marriages he already has?!  I'd go psycho.  More than I already am.  I'm totally diggin' the show though.  Richie is too.  I'm glad too, cause our Sunday nights were pretty dry for TV watching.

So you remember how I said before that I was super hesitant about the pediatrician we (I) chose?  Well, this weekend Richie jumped on my bandwagon and said "that's it!"  And when Richie says "that's it," well, that's it.  You see, on Friday, I was having a bad case of psycho mom and noticed that Kinley was pulling at her ears.  They were bright red, she was crying, sticking her fingers in them.....typical ear infection signs.  So I call the dr and of course they can't get her in.  (What happened to your same day sick visit, Mr. Dr.?)  They say that they'll see her at 10 the next morning.  Whatever.  Well I give in and give her Tylenol, or the generic for it, since Tylenol can't stop recalling their brand.  I'm not the kind of mom that gives meds very often.  I use it as a last resort because I'm....well, psycho.  So she gets Tylenol because, God forbid, if she's uncomfortable and they aren't helping me, a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do.  Immediately, she stopped and went back to her regular routine.  Okay, so not immediately...but soon after.  Either she was just being dramatic (no, not my daughter!) or something was bothering her that was quickly remedied with Tylenol, or the generic version. 

So then Saturday morning at about 8:00, Richie and I decided we would cancel the appointment since she hadn't shown symptoms for about 24 hours.  I made him call to do the cancellation since he was up my butt about "getting ready."  We had friends in town for the weekend and were going to the city to play tourists.  Me getting ready requires some time.....now that I've put myself on luxury spending restrictions, I'm out of my hair product that allows me to wear my natural curls.  I can't wash and go without a three foot by two foot afro.  So that leaves one option.  Flat iron.  I have a ton of hair.  TON OF HAIR. and it is no quick task to flat iron these locks.  So, yeah.  He's on my butt about "hurry and get ready so we can go" and I didn't want to take a break to call the dr to cancel, because let's face it.  I'm so ADD that if I stop doing my hair to call the dr, somehow I'll end up folding laundry or loading the dishwasher despite having my hair half ironed, half in a ball on top of my head in a clip.  That's just how I roll.
Back to the dr.  So Richie calls and he's put on a loop of music and the occasional "please hold, there are XX callers in front of you." He's about to lose it.  We're used to our perfect pediatrician back home who really makes you feel like you're the only patient he sees.  He gives up and decides to leave a message to have them return our call.  He always gets tongue tied when leaving messages (or ordering in a drive thru, but that's another thing) so he throws the phone at me to leave a message.  I love how he gives me that "I'm so impressed" look when he listens to me leave a message.  I have the gift of speaking with a tone of "so friendly, but if you don't call me back quick-like, I'll turn the wrath of psycho-mom on you're arse." 

They then call back in about ten minutes.  Richie answers, they confirm our cancellation, life continues on.  Kinley is fine. 

Richie then asks what is up with the XX amount of callers in front of his.  I told him that you call into a main number and then that phone operator disperses the messages to whichever dr's office it's directed to.  That was it.  He said that we were pulling her from them asap.  Too big and too un-personal.  I couldn't agree more and secretly, I was jumping up and down inside to have not had to make that decision.  Today I'm calling another doctor that came from a recommendation from a friend back home.  I'm excited to get the appointment booked to meet her.

I have a plethera (I've always wanted to use that word) of things to do today.  My house is in the typical Monday condition and I have a full day's work to get it back to where it needs to be.  It's laundry day in our house.  Richie's company does his work laundry (sweet huh!) and all that we have to do is make sure it's there for them to pick up on Thursday morning.  Well, yeah.  My mind is obviously mush on Wednesday night because for the second week in a row, I'm washing the stupid work uniforms.  I vow to NOT forget this week.  I'm setting up a reminder in my phone now.  I hate washing his work uniforms.  They seriously make such a mess of my washer and dryer.  There is usually enough wood chips and tree parts in the dryer lint filter to have my own forest by now.  And that can't be good for the dryer.

Richie told me to go and get my curl product for my hair (he must be tired of waiting on me) but I am going to wait for Ulta to have a sale on it.  They seem to rotate their ads, so it should be coming around again soon.  I have to run to the post office (that is one errand that I love doing....it feels so old fashioned to go to the post office, do you agree?) and I still have two returns in my car that I was supposed to do over a month ago.  I never seem to get anything done.  Oh, but I did get the note done to that restaurant manager!  It felt so good too!  You should try it.  It feels amazing to do nice things for other people.  I highly recommend it.

Giveaway!

Mommy Wants Freebies is hosting a giveaway for the Miraclebody Jeans that I mentioned earlier!  Go to Mommy Wants Freebies to enter!

I'm a good mommy.

I am the luckiest girl.  I get to be a mommy to the most beautiful baby girl ever.  I can say that because this is my blog.  And I'm allowed to be biased.

She makes me want to be a better person.

She makes me laugh and reminds me that it's all going to be okay.

Through her eyes, I find a beauty of life that I'd never known before.

I love her unconditionally, even if she had cheese in her nose.

She makes me realize that even though I struggle, I'm a damn good mommy.

Mom jeans.

All moms must read this.  Totally hits home here.  And if you think I didn't search where to buy the Miraclebody, you're nuts.  Too bad they're $110!  Ugh.  I need that shopping trip to find the perfect jeans.

Restore Defaults

Are they not going to sell any pumpkin flavored coffee creamer this year?  I know that I've seen it in stores before...when I wasn't looking for it.  I have tried two different groceries and neither have it.  I settled for a vanilla caramel this time and it's just ehhh.  I've not always been a fan of home brewing (coffee) and thought it never tasted as good as purchased coffee.  Then I decided that I didn't like the taste of a $10 a week coffee habit and realized that home brewing tastes just fine!  Just add enough flavored creamer and you're golden.  So I brew my 5 cups of Folgers Bistro Blend (which in turn gives me two cups of coffee, who measures those lines on the pot anyway?  they must use shot glasses in the Mr. Coffee factory to measure) and add my weekly choice of creamer.  Sure would love to have a week or two of pumpkin though.

Did you like my post yesterday?  The one where I was in the middle of a complete melt down?  I lost it yesterday.  It happens.  I have my days.  Lots of them.  I would swear that on those days, God just hates me and wants to see me lose my mind.  I have a bad habit of allowing myself to take on too much and then feeling like a complete failure when things don't go just right.  When you take on that much, there is so little wiggle room.  You need wiggle room.  Especially when you have a child.  I am learning how to wiggle.

I remember a post I wrote a week or so ago about making a schedule or routine to help me not feel so over whelmed.  I need to go back and reread that obviously, because yesterday was just ridiculous.  Eventually, I did calm down but it took me a couple of hours.  Kinley did take a nap (about two hours) and I forced myself to sit sideways in the recliner (my chosen position) and watch "I'm Pregnant and Homeless" and realized that I don't have it quite so bad....as I tried to tell myself earlier that day.

How do I change my defaults?  You know when you are working on Word or whatever, you change a setting and there is that button that says "restore default?"  Well, I want that button.  For days like that.  I get a bit off track and I just need to restore my default.  It's way too easy to just lay down and die and say "oh my God this sucks!" or "oh my God, I think I'm going to die today!" or "nothing EVER goes my way and life is just not faiiiiiiirrrrrr!"  That is so much easier than getting up and going on. 

I have such high expectations for myself and I just wish I wouldn't be so critical.  Maybe the whole schedule or routine is a bad thing for someone like me?  Because honestly, I had a schedule for yesterday and because of the way the day was going, nothing was getting done.  And then I felt like a failure.  Once I had that time to sit sideways and watch TV for 30 minutes....I was fine.  I then got up, got the dishwasher unloaded, reloaded, house cleaned up, etc. and I went about my day.  I guess sometimes you just have to break in order to rebuild.  or restore.

Yesterday, my friend Kami, referred me to a blog and I must say that I'm in love.  It's called Heir to Blair and her writing is amazing.  Another blog I found (found it by clicking "next blog" up there on the top left) is called Life After I "Dew".  I thoroughly enjoy reading both of their writings.  They make me feel like I'm catching up with an old friend.  It's nice to have that when you really don't have many friends "IRL."  I mean, I have friends...but since moving, I've not met anyone.  I'm working on that.  Okay, no I'm not.  But I have hopes to work on that in the near future.

Last night we watched our favorite show, Survivor.  Love love love it.  This season is starting out slow, as it always does and we're rooting for the older tribe.  We'll probably switch later, we always do.  I don't really have a favorite player yet but that Nay on the young tribe should be ashamed of herself for the way that she talks about the girl with the artificial leg.  Her mom would not be proud.  Shame on her.  We were hoping that she would get the ax last night but geez, the way that Shannon was taking at tribal council, it's no wonder he got it.  How stupid to shoot yourself in the foot like that!

We then watched that new show "Better With You," (i think that's what it's called) and it was pretty good.  It's one of the new ones that we're DVRing.  We'll see if it continues to spark our interest.  Then after a friend's recommendation, we watched "Modern Family."  We laughed and will probably give it another shot.  We also DVR'd "The Middle" but haven't watched it yet.  Isnt' that the same as "Malcolm In the Middle?"  I never watched that but maybe Richie did?  I'm not sure.  He doesn't seem to excited to watch it but I just love that kid that is in it. 

My guilty pleasure, which I'm almost embarrassed to admit, is Teen Mom.  I know that it's a teen show but I just am so in to it.  It's crazy.  An hour a week is just not enough.  I watched this week's episode yesterday while Kinley was nursing.  That Amber and Gary really need to get a grip or someone needs to take that little girl away.  They aren't doing one single thing to benefit her well being.  It is really sad.  Farrah needs a dose of reality.  She feels that everyone owes her.  Her mom is just as nuts as she is but luckily her dad seems to have at least half a brain.  Which is more than her and her mom put together.  Poor, poor Katelynn.  I just want to take her in.  Her and Tyler are *the most* mature and just amaze me.  I hope that they make it and I honestly think they will.  Katelynn's mom is not right.  I hope she watches these episodes back and feels like the ass that she is.  Maci is adorable and I'm so happy she moved to be close to Kyle.  I honestly don't think that Ryan gives two poops about Bentley.  He's such a waste.  You know, I was thinking, Farrah always complains about no money but don't they get paid for doing the show?  And Catelynn's mom surely gets something for allowing the cameras in her home/car...so why doesn't she have money for Butch's attorney?  See what I mean...I'm way too crazy about this show.  It's my thing.

One of those days

Please tell me that I'm not alone when I have days like this.  If there is anything that can go wrong, it has.  Kinley is in rare form today and feels that it is completely fine to go without a nap today. But she also feels that it is fine for me to have her on my hip all day.  What I wouldn't give for it to be that easy! 

Unfortunately, being a stay at home mom doesn't mean that there is nothing that has to be done aside from caring for the baby.  Let's see....for starters, a shower would be awesome.  Especially since I feel so nasty and would give anything for shaved legs right now.  I'm absolutely disgusting right now.

Then we have the freakin' dog who decided to go and attempt to dig to China in the landscaping and then come running in the house with muddy paws.  And before running into her cage, she made a few laps around the living room just for good carpet ruining measure.

The house is trashed, because for some reason we have a way of ruining all of my hard day's work in the matter of one evening.  The dishwasher needs emptied and reloaded.  Dinner needs planned.  We're out of bread and coffee creamer, so I have to run to the store.

So now on top of all of my other things to do today, I have to repair landscaping, clean the carpets, find time to do my over-due homework and have a baby on my hip.  Anyone want to trade places with me today?

I vent to my husband via text and he responds "Just calm down baby, everything will be okay."  If that doesn't make you want to throw your phone through a window, I don't know what will. 

Today is the kind of day that makes me think that the two Bud Light Lime bottles in the refrigerator would be okay to consume before lunch time. 

Kinley is still screaming and I don't know what to do with her.  I hate giving her tylenol just because when I know that she is just over tired. 

Man, it sure would be nice to toss the baton today.

Nothing to say...

Oh geez.  I spent almost an hour this morning doing this redesign.  I'm still not 100% satisfied with the look, but it's going to do for now.  I've spent most of my "me time" working on the design and zero of it blogging. 

What a beautiful day yesterday was!  Kinley and I actually left the house!  I had to go buy that book and I read Kinley a book in the children's section.  She was more interested in the celestial themed carpet than the Olivia book that I chose to read to her.  I almost bought her a Halloween book but I kept telling myself that she already has two full bookshelves and really doesn't need another book.  Especially when she's not really in to reading right now.  I pushed myself out the door with only Julius Caesar in hand and got that for free thanks to the gift card that I found during our move.  You know, I couldn't even tell you where I got that...but so glad that I did.  So to whomever it was that gave it to me, thankyouverymuch.

After leaving the mall I was tempted to head to the Commons to do some returns.  I have a shirt from Maurices that I need to return and a pair of pants to return to H&M.  The shirt I bought back in like July and I hate the way it fits.  The pants were for Kinley but her thighs are too fat chubby wubby for them.  I started heading towards the Commons when I decided that I really wasn't wanting to deal with an outdoor mall in the high winds we had.  So we skipped our returns and went to a mall by our house.  It's one of those deserted malls.  It has a few department stores anchoring the ends but aside from those, there were maybe 10 or so stores still open.  I was pleasantly surprised that of those 10, I'd shop at almost all of them.  There is a Victoria's Secret, Aero, Gymboree, Bath and Body Works, Limited, Famous Footwear..... good ones, huh!?  And it's less than five minutes from our house.  Sweetness.   

So one of the big stores on the end is Kohl's.  I went in there to try and find a brown onesie.  I need it to go with Kinley's tutu for pictures and for the life of me, can't find one anywhere.  I thought for sure that Kohl's would have one.  They had so many outfits that I wanted to get for Kinley.  I had to literally talk myself out of buying them, more than once.  I realized how bad my shopping addiction is...for baby clothes.  I walked through the juniors department and couldn't talk myself in to buying something for myself.  It was easy to tell myself no.  When I start school in January, I will have to get new clothes so I just tell myself that I can wait until then.  Dressing Kinley is much more fun than dressing myself.  I'm sure it all goes back to me being totally uncomfortable in my own skin.

Kinley totally shoplifted for the first time yesterday.  She stole a doll from Kohl's.  I stopped to look at this end cap full of stroller clip on toys but after seeing the price I changed my mind.  I walked on not even paying much attention.  After we left Kohl's and were on our way to Gymboree, I looked down and there was a stroller toy.  In my stroller.  Crap.  I was so scared.  I was looking around to see if security was going to arrest me.  Haha  We were already at the other end of the mall.  So we walked back to return the shoplifted doll.  I just walked back in, put in on a random shelf and walked back out.  I was too embarrassed to admit what had happened.  Kinley freaked out when I took it away from her.  But seriously, the child has a million toys.  She really didn't need a doll that she only really cared about the tag anyway.

Have you been watching Oprah?  I know that most of ya'll work, but there is DVR.  I have never been an Oprah watcher and it being her final season has kind of pushed me to watch.  So I DVR it and watch it as I find time.  I tell ya, she is good!  The guests that she's had on so far are not people that I would have ever considered someone that I would be interested in but I'm impressed.  Last week she had on the Judds, and while I've never considered myself a fan, I knew of their music and name.  Let me tell you...I felt so empowered and touched by their story.  I learned a quote from that show that I've been mulling over ever since... "that doesn't work for me."  Now I'm the kind of girl that has a very hard time saying no to anyone.  Well, anyone but my husband!  Haha.  I think it was the daughter, so Winona, said that when you are too afraid to say no, or not wanting to disappoint someone by saying no, try out "that doesn't work for me."  Good, huh?

Oprah then had on Jon Stewart.  I had heard of the guy, but honestly couldn't tell you what he did or why he was famous.  That dude is hilarious!  He actually made me crack up.  I decided that his show may be DVR worthy. 

Speaking of DVR....I've got that line up STACKED this season.  Our usual shows are Biggest Loser, Survivor...the reality types.  But this season, I've got tons of stuff scheduled.  I figure that it's free (well, aside from our cable bill which we'd have anyway) entertainment.  We can't go to a movie because we have no sitter and Kinley is very much *not* theater friendly.  This can be our Saturday night date.  Catch up on shows.  I couldn't even tell you all of the shows that I'm recording...there are so many.  But with it being the premieres and most are pilot seasons, what better time!?

I have a stacked "to-do" list today.  First and foremost, I have to read that essay in Julius Caesar and get my response posted on Blackboard.  Then I have to vaccuum and dust the upstairs, since I only managed to get the downstairs done yesterday.  Next on the list, plan something for dinner.  I hate planning dinner.  We always do the same old, same old.  I did spice it up yesterday and do Salsa Chicken.  It was tasty, actually.  Even though I'm not a fan of chicken.  I'm going to send my little note card to that restaurant today too.  And finally, tackle the mound of Kinley clothes that can't seem to find a home in her room.  Maybe even clean some out.  Ugh....anyone else notice that baby clothes are so much more fun to organize while you're still pregnant?

Pay it forward

Let me start by saying that this blog is NOT brought to you by the worst cable company ever, Comcast.  We woke up to yet ANOTHER service interruption and it’s not estimated to be repaired for another couple of hours.  So no TV, no phone, no internet for me!  We have lived here right at a month and I honestly don’t think that I’ve had a single day without some sort of outage.  We’ve had a tech out once before and still we’re not repaired.  I’ve had it with them.  Today is the last chance and if it’s not fixed, they’re out.  I’ve heard that there is UVerse (or something like that) that we can use for local services.  I woke up and was so upset that I wouldn’t have my “me” time…it’s my sanity for the day!  I get to Facebook, check email, and check in at my online class and blog.  Today I have to blog in Microsoft Word and later I’ll have to copy/paste.  Where would we be without copy/paste, seriously?

Kinley keeps crying out in her sleep.  She’s been doing it for the last hour….or I’ve been hearing it for the past hour.  It may have been going on all night for all I know.  I just have this instinct that something is wrong.  She’s not feeling well and not acting like herself.  I did call the dr. yesterday and they said to give her a couple of days.  I’m going to be SO mad if it doesn’t correct itself in a few days and we go in to a real illness.  If they caused her to deal with a sickness with no medication, they are going to get the wrath of psycho mom.  Mark my words.  Psycho Mommy don’t play.  (And no, spell check; I don’t want it to say “Psycho Mommy “doesn’t” play.)

For my online class, we are finishing up the play Julius Caesar and I’m not proud of this, but I’ve made it thus far by only skimming the text and not actually owning my own copy of the book.  I found a site online that has the original text with a side by side comparison with the translation.  That is how I’ve made it through so far.  Well now the professor goes and throws a stick into my plan because she’s assigned a response essay to a piece in the actual book that I can’t find anywhere else.  Grrr.  The book is only six bucks, but I just didn’t want to have to buy it.  We are done with this novel on Friday.  I was so close.  I even found a super old Borders gift card the other day and it has $8.99 left on it.  It totally had the new Nicholas Sparks book all over it.  But no, now I have to buy the stupid (sorry Shakespeare) Julius Caesar book.  Richie said to just go and get both books but I’m trying to be good and stick to a budget here.  Buying the new Nicholas Sparks book is not in the budget this week….well, it’s not after we ate out like four times last weekend.  Geez.  Talk about dropping the budget ball on that one!

Do you ever think of ways to make someone’s day?  I don’t mean someone you know…that is just a given.  But someone unsuspecting.  Sometimes when I sit and think about people in my life; whether they were a previous co-worker, a past waitress/server, a cashier at the store, a neighbor, anyone, if they had a positive effect on my life I want to acknowledge it.  I never have before and I ask myself why I let the opportunity pass me by.  You know how good it feels to be told “thank you” or “good job” or “Wow, someone really appreciated you!”  Every day, at some point during my day, I think of someone that could use that.  But I never act on it.  Today I want to make it a new goal of mine to spend maybe five-ten minutes a week to acknowledge someone.  Maybe not even every week.  Some days/weeks I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone to acknowledge.  But the thing is, pay it forward.  You have seen that movie, right?  I firmly believe that all good things come back to you so why not start now?  I have a ton of those blank, all occasion, note cards.  They are different designs…you know what I mean.  Why not send one out to someone to just say “hey, I really appreciated that” or “thank you for….”.   Does that sound too cheesy?  Or would some see it as stalker-ish?  Hmmm, I think it would be appreciated.

Off hand, I have two people in mind.  One was a hostess in a restaurant that we visited a few weeks ago.  She was above and beyond kind.  Not only was she super nice to us but also to Kinley.  That rarely happens in restaurants.  She even sang a little song to her.  Do you even know how that changed our dining experience?  I wish I knew her name so that the acknowledgement could get to her directly but I’ll bet they will know who I’m talking about. 

Secondly, there is a teacher that I worked with several years ago.  She taught second grade and I was her teaching assistant.  She is retired now but she impacted me so much; not only as a future educator but as a person.  I believe I did tell her this but I want to be sure that she knows.  Too often teachers go without the recognition that they deserve.  Even if I wasn’t a student of hers, per se, I learned more about me in that second grade classroom than anywhere else that I’ve been.  Isn’t that something?  I always joke that going through the second grade as a twenty-six year old really changed my life. 

Speaking of teaching/teachers, did you watch Oprah yesterday?  She did a show about the new documentary “Waiting on Superman” (I was going to link that, but thanks to Comcast, I have no internet).  Talk about bawling my eyes out.  Teaching is one thing that I am passionate about and that passion is so deep.  I feel so blessed to have found something that moves me. 

Why are GOOD teachers so underappreciated?  One year that I worked as a teaching assistant, it was during Christmas and the children brought in their gifts to the teacher.  I don’t intend to sound unappreciative (the gifts weren’t for me so I guess I am merely making an observation rather than being unappreciative) but do you realize that parents appreciate their servers in restaurants more than their child’s teacher?  Think about it…when you dine out you tip, what, 18% or 20%?  That is for one hour of their time to “serve” you and your family.  Normally, 18% or 20% averages to maybe $5 and that is estimating low.  Here comes Christmas time and it’s time to buy the gift for your child’s teacher.  You head to Dollar Tree and buy some little figurine.  Now let’s be real.  Teachers are like moms.  They appreciate the thought more than the gift.  But to me it’s almost a slap in the face.  That teacher is impacting (hopefully for the better) your child’s life.  They are with your child all day, five days a week.  Money may be tight, I so understand that. Instead of getting that little trinket just to say that you got a gift, you should write a thank you note to tell him/her how much you appreciate the role that they play in your child’s life, or have your child write a note or hand make something.  Am I even making sense?  Your child’s teacher doesn’t need another trinket but would so appreciate a letter of thanks.  Are there any teachers “out there” reading this that agrees/disagrees with me? 

I honestly have no clue how I got off on that rant but after spending that much time thinking on it, I refuse to highlight/delete.  And besides, I have no TV or internet right now (thank you Comcast) so why not continue blogging.

Today’s agenda is pretty bland.  We have to wait on Comcast to get here.  Ugh.  I have vacuuming and dusting on my schedule today.  Yesterday was laundry.  I still have a ginormous basket of folded Kinley clothes to put away.  The child seriously has too many clothes.  It’s not even funny anymore.  I can’t find a place to put everything!  I need to find a family that really is in need and donate.    Then we’re heading out to Border’s to get my book.  It’s supposed to be super nice today so we’ll have to throw in a walk today too! 

Okay, I’m bored with blogging now.  Internet is still out.  Guess I’ll get started on dusting.

Selfish, Superficial Me

Happy Monday!  Time for life to return to the normal pace and normal routine.  Stay at home mom's have a work day just like working parents...it's just a different kind.  I don't leave to get to work, I wake up to it. 

We had a beautiful weekend.  As I mentioned earlier, Richie did have to work on Saturday.  Kinley and I went to a yard sale west of here to check out some fall clothes for her.  It was advertised on Craigslist and it sounded like a really nice one.  She did have some nice things...but most of it was repeat of her 3-6 month wardrobe.  We bought a couple of things but our favorite was this little activity table.  It was a steal at $12!  At Babies R Us the table is listed at $42.  It looks brand new and Kinley *loves* it.  She stood there playing all weekend.  Everything was super clean, which is a requirement at a yard sale.  We also bought her a Taggies ball.  I've been wanting to get her a Taggies and she may be too old for it now, but she did pay it some attention when we got home.  It was only like $2 so even if it was fun for a day, we got our money's worth! 

We stopped at another yard sale close to the first one and man oh man do I wish I hadn't!  It turned out to be what we call a "professional yard sale," you know....the ones that are every weekend and they just add more crap to it.  I stopped because I saw a ton of baby clothes and some toys but upon further inspection, I found all crap.  The clothes were worn out and stained, the toys were filthy!  Unfortunately, the lady refused to let me walk away without buying something.  She kept dragging me one way to show me "this" or dragging me that way to show me "that" she even went so far to bring out her daughter's yearly pictures to show me these "amazing" dresses that she had her in for the pictures and just thought I "had to buy them" for Kinley.  Not only did they look like they were dug out of the far corner of her basement, but they were missing buttons, snagged, etc. 

She was a hoarder.  I'm not kidding.  I seriously felt the need to shower when I left her house.  Now, I don't live life thinking that I'm any better than anyone else but this lady really needed to get a grip.  I felt sorry for her. She did confide that she lost her job two years ago (just as everyone else in this area did) and she said over half of the community where she lived had done the same.  The whole area is saturated with foreclosure.  The story was probably just to pull at my heartstrings...but it did just that.  I bought a couple of things for $6.  I'll maybe use them for around the house or just donate them back to Goodwill.

Richie was on his way home when we got back from the yard sales and it was pouring down rain.  That's two weekends in a row of rainy weather.  We decided to go to Ed Debevic's for lunch and had a terrific time.  Kinley loved watching the servers dance to "Carwash."  It was so adorable!  It really was a great time.  We got home and I went for my eyebrow wax appointment, excuse me, "eyebrow design" appointment.  I should have known I was in for it when they called it an "eyebrow design" appointment.  That just screams expensive!  I found this salon next to the Starbucks close to our house.  It was close, looked decent, so I thought "why not."  I sooo needed the eyebrow attention, ahem, design.

Sunday we decided to try out a church close to home.  We went to the 10:30 mass and thought we would be pushing it since it was when Kinley should be napping.  Oh boy....we made it a whole twenty minutes or so before having to leave.  Kinley acting up makes me laugh...and let me just say that I was cracking up.  Richie held her for the first 10-15  minutes that we were there and she was all over the place.  She wanted to see everything and would have just preferred being on the floor playing.  When he'd had enough, she came over to my lap.  She was so badly wanting the man sitting behind me to pay attention to her.  She kept going "aaaahhhhaaaa" at him and then smiling really big (behind her paci, she had that to try and curb the noise coming from her mouth).  He was not having it and was not entertained.  But she kept doing it.  I was cracking up which made Richie mad because he said I was encouraging her.  haha  I am still laughing about it.  I tried turning her around and she would swing her head back and again "aaaahhhhaaaa" and then smile really big just waiting for him to respond.  It just kept getting louder.  She did this about five times...I wish he would have just smiled at her or something so that she'd be satisfied and get over it.  Then she decided she wanted to nurse and she wanted to nurse right then.  We're beyond the point of public nursing now.  She's old enough to not need it on demand like that, in my opinion.  So I ended up having to give her back to Richie so that she'd stop trying to rip through my shirt.  Then she lost it.

I pushed Richie out of the pew and I followed behind.  I really didn't feel a connection with that church at all....so many funny looks at us when Kinley was fidgeting and I don't care for that.  We'll try somewhere different next time and I think I'll start looking in to a church with a nursery because I am not able to get much out of the service when handling Miss Show-Off.

We ran some errands and called it a night.  It was a typical busy, crazy weekend.  No matter how much I try to slow them down, it just never happens.

Let's revisit my "eyebrow design" appointment.  I've been contemplating a blog for some time  but the words never came together in my mind.  It was always just a bunch of thoughts that couldn't form into a story, until my eyebrown design....and with a little help from another blog that I read.  It was this entry that I so related to and it was my "ah ha" moment that helped me put my thoughts in order.  I admit that I was/am almost embarrassed to even admit to most of the thoughts, but now after reading her blog I realize that I'm not the only one that feels that way! 

I walk into the salon for my appointment.  It was a cold day and after yard saling, the rain, lunch, I was still in jeans and a hoodie and my gym shoes.  No big deal.  I had plans to shower and get "ready" after getting my eyebrows ripped out of my face.  I walk in and this place is swanky.  Oh wow.  Instantly, I feel beneath them.  What the heck?  No one makes you feel inferior without your consent...and I was signing that bottom line on the consent form.  The parking lot should have told me what I'd find when there were more Mercedes than not.  The man that was there to check me into my appointment (obviously the owner) was wearing a super posh suit.  I wanted to just turn around and walk out.  I felt so out of place.  But I was like, no, you're here.   Just do it.  "Samantha" came to meet me and take me back to the spa area for my "eyebrow design."  Now let me just describe "Samantha."  Hmmm, 22-24, dark hair, gorgeous, wearing the trendiest outfit, stilettos, very pretty.  I felt like Beauty and the Beast.  The beast was wearing a hoodie, jeans and gym shoes.  How embarrassing.  She was super nice though.  Not at all how I expected her to be.  Granted, she was working for her tip, but she was nice.  All of the staff that I met were very nice.  It was something in me that made me feel inferior.  And that's where it begins.

Several years ago, maybe four or five, I felt on top of the world.  I felt pretty, I felt on top of my game and I never felt inferior to anyone.  I was proud of my appearance, I was proud of me.  Where did that go?  How did I lose it all?  Was it getting (re)married?  Was it moving away?  Was it becoming a mom?  How did I fall so far? 

Where I am now is a totally different place.  I consider the Joy today a much frumpier, homely version to what I was then.  While I don't think it's necessarily bad, I do think that it needs improvement.  And I don't want improvement for anyone else's opinion of me, I want improvement for MY opinion of me.  I never want to feel that inferior way again.  But I ask myself, is it simply the material things that made me feel that way?  The fact that she had the perfect body, or the perfect hair, the perfect  make-up, the perfect outfit.... I didn't know anything about her other than she has twin sisters, lived in the area and had a boyfriend in the city.  It was purely the superficial, material things that made me feel inferior.  How shallow am I?! 

I take pride in those superficial things and I think many women do!  While we know what is truly important in life:  family, home, friends--it's nice to have that icing too.  Am I right?

I lost the polished outer shell that I used to have and I miss it!  I was trying to talk to Richie about all of this yesterday and he either wasn't listening or just didn't get it.  But we did come to a conclusion that all of my time and money that I used to spend to make the outter me shine, is now 100% absorbed by my daughter.  If I have extra money, she's getting new clothes or new toys.  Does she need either?  Ummm, not a chance.  If we have an hour to get ready, she'll be bathed, dressed to perfection, diaper bag packed and I'll grab jeans and a hoodie.  I put her first for everything.  That's when I realized that I'm a MOM now.  Life is going to be this way from now on!  Get used to it, girlfriend! 

Now that I found this realization....I have to find the balance.  There is a balance somewhere.  It makes me want to make a list.  You know I love making lists!  I am making my list of superficial things.  Things that I want for ME.  Things I want to improve or splurge on for selfish reasons.  I don't intend to go out one weekend and just cross everything off.  No way would that even be possible...but I am going to make time to realize that sometimes it's okay to not spend it all on Kinley when she doesn't *need* it and it is okay to spend some on me. 

Guys have it easy, you know?  They need something/want something, they just get it.  Simple.  No drama.  If it is hunting season and Richie needs hunting tags, there is no question or doubt....he just buys them.  If he needs hunting equipment or shotgun shells, he buys it.  Women don't have it that easy.  We feel that inner part of us that tells us "kids first, before you." 

I would love to have a shopping day to find that pair of jeans that fit my new (uhhhh, do I dare even admit it) mom body.  When I was getting ready for church, I was going through my closet almost in tears as I stared at the clothes that were the same clothes I had three years ago when I worked for a home builder.  Some of them are the same clothes that I had ten years ago!  None of them fit (they are too big, gooo me!) but nothing has updated or changed.  That is embarrassing.  I remember when I was little and looking in my mom's closet and asking her why she had so many "70s clothes" in there.  Now I know. 

Maybe an afternoon to wander around Ulta and get some new smelly good bath products.  I would love a make-up application lesson from Mac or Ulta and then splurge on some new make-up.  Is it crazy that I feel that I don't even know the proper way to apply make-up?  I've always worn the same colors in the same application.  It's not changed.  My mom never wore make-up, so I guess I never had that lesson of watching her when I was growing  up. 

Maybe a shoe shopping trip!?  The heels that I used to wear on a daily basis back in my "pretty days" are not even an option to me anymore.  Carrying a baby and a diaper bag in heels is not my idea of fun.  But I'd love to expand beyond my gym shoes and flip flops.

None of these things are beyond reality.  Women do it *all the time* but this one hasn't done it in years.  YEARS.  It's obviously not just a mom thing for me....I must have let go long before giving birth. 

I have a birthday coming up and I pray that Richie takes my "Superficial Me List" and helps me cross off a few items. 

Do I sound like a selfish brat?  What would be on your "Superficial Me List?"

Friday: Second verse, same as the first!

Yeah, I know that I said that I would see you on Monday...but plans changed.  Richie ended up having to work today...so our Saturday morning routine is a Friday all over again.  Up at 5:00 for me and then I ran to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast.  It's becoming our Saturday routine to do donuts for breakfast.  Since Richie was up getting ready for work, I made the run.  And boy, they probably thought Halloween came early because I'm sure I looked like a zombie walking into the store.  I couldn't do drive thru because they never can seem to understand me, and me them.  And I never know what they call the donuts...like what their named.  I know that I want a long john with white icing but when I say that they act clueless.  I don't know how else to describe it!  Ugh!  So I just go in...and today I went in just as I was.  Hair all a mess, in pajamas, glasses, the works.  It wasn't pretty.  But I assumed it was safe...it is a Saturday and it was 5 a.m.  Seriously, who is actually out and about at that hour?

Obviously, quite a few people.  How embarrassing.  I didn't make eye contact with anyone just so that they couldn't remember me if they saw me walking around Super Target.

Our whole weekend was thrown for a loop.  Starting from last night.  After Richie got home, I got showered and ready to head out.  We decided that it would be our splurge night and we'd go to satisfy  my craving for Cozymel's.  We drive over there only to find that the workers building the Chik-fil-a next to it hit a gas line.  I thought for a second that we were getting lucky.  The parking lot was empty....we'd get a table right away and our food would take no time at all!  But then I came to my senses.  Any suburb restaurant that has an empty parking lot at 7 p.m. on a Friday either A) Has roaches B)  Is closed  C)  Has a gas leak.  We pulled into a spot and the little hostess girl came running out to us to break the news and give us a free app coupon for next time.  We were so disappointed.  Our one splurge night for the week is ruined.  It was too late to go home and cook.  Kinley was a ticking time bomb about to lose her mind if she didn't eat soon.  The other restaurants in that area were cram packed at this point (because they were carrying their normal load PLUS Cozymel's load).  We ended up at the old stand-by of Noodles and Co.  I'm not complaining....it is one of my favorites and Kinley can eat their food....but for my one splurge night...I wanted my table side guac!  Not flatbread and pad thai.  Oh well....we had a great dinner and everyone in there loved Kinley's little personality as she shoved noodle after noodle into her mouth.  What can I say, my daughter is absolutely adorable.  And I'm not biased, at. all.

Today we were supposed to be going to the petting zoo but that was scratched off the calendar.  Not too sure what Kinley and I will do now.  Richie thinks he'll be done by noon and if that's the case, we may still go to the zoo to check it out but we'll just not get to feed the ducks.  The duck feeding is daily at 10:30.  But she'd still love to see the other animals.  We also still have it on the agenda to visit a church tonight.

I did find a mommy group!  Several of them actually...I joined a couple and I'm going to see which one fits us best.  And they are true mommy and me style.  So I'm excited to get to meet some of the ladies in hopes that Kinley can make some new friends....oh, and me too.

I'm really missing having girl time.  Back home, I always had friends to see or to have over (for Little Caesars pizza with buffalo ranch sauce ahhhhh!).  Their babies were Kinley's age and the kids would play and we'd eat, talk, watch tv, whatever.  I miss that.  I'm sure I'll find it here, it's just going to take a little more effort and time to make it happen.

The weather here has definately turned fall.  It's so crisp outside and just makes me so excited for the pumpkin festivals.  And Kinley's 9 month pictures.  I had my friend, Kacy, make her a tutu with matching headband and it is soooooo cute.  See...
The headband has feathers on it!  Soooo clever, Kacy. I've not seen one like that before and you should totally market that on etsy!  But let me say, Kinley wore it FIRST!  Haha.  Okay, I got my childishness out.  For her pictures, we're doing some with the tutu and headband...I should probably get her a long-sleeved oneside to go with the tutu.  It's a little chilly to go topless.  I'll add that to my list today.  Then for the second outfit that she'll wear, it's a long sleeved brown dress with an empire waist.  Super cute.  But I'm going to pair it with some dark pink tights and brown shoes.  I think it will be cute.  I'd like to plan for more outfit changes, but I know my daughter and I know she's got some attitude.  Two outfits may be all that she'll tolerate.  My friend/photographer is coming up next weekend (hooray!) and we're going to try to do some of the pictures then.  I have to plan our sight seeing....that's a good "to-do" for today.

Till Monday....

Friday mish-mash

Thank God for Folgers.  I did not want to get up this morning.  If it weren't for my coffee and morning dose of Facebook, it would have been considered a bad day.  Pretty sad, huh.

I wasted  spent over a half hour mulling over the blog today.  My mind is mush and I really have no focus.  How is that different from any other day, really?  That Shakespeare is really wearing me down!  Yesterday, I had my goal of being more productive with my time and spend less of my day behind this laptop.  I think I did well!  I feel like I got so much done around the house but then the downside was that I was completely exhausted by 7:00 and Kinley was still full go till almost 10:00.  And honestly, at the end of the day, there is still a list a mile long of things I didn't get to.  I guess that it's just the way it is, there is never enough time in the day.  But it made me feel better inside to spend less time with my laptop and more time doing other things.

As I kept reminding myself yesterday of my goal, I realized that pulling myself out of the Facebook zone, or the internet zone in general, is pulling myself out of an addiction!  I'm no stranger to addiction....I've quit smoking twice, was addicted to weight loss, slightly addicted to drinking in my single days.  But I'll tell ya, I think that the Facebook addiction is faaaar worse to handle.  Why is that?  Because it's so readily available.  Seriously.  I can facebook and drive (but I don't do that because it's illegal, right).  I can facebook and pee!  I can facebook in church!  Now, I wouldn't do that....but I could and I have seen it done!  Facebook is so much more... accepted, dare I say?  You can't smoke just anywhere you want (thank goodness) and you can't drink just anywhere you want (not really) and well, the losing weight thing....that's a whole 'nother issue.  But you get what I'm saying?  Facebooking is crazy.  So cutting back is a work in progress.  I would love to cut it back to checking in twice a day.  I'm sure that when I'm back in school full time, I'll get there.  My time won't be so readily available as it is now. 

Enough about that.

When Richie got home from work last night we both so badly wanted to go to eat out.  We were both just torturing ourselves thinking about all of the great places to eat around here...but we promised each other to cut back on the eating out.  Not only for the waistlines but for the wallet as well.  I'd say that we were about 85% ready to just give in and head to Cozymels (their table side made guacamole is heavenly!).  So while Richie was in the shower I shoved myself into the kitchen and started cooking.  I was so proud of myself!  Normally, I am the one that caves.

After dinner, we took Lucy to the dog park for the first time and were thrilled to have the whole place to ourselves.  She's a bit high strung and we knew that she was just going to be an idiot.  We were dreading her over friendliness with the other visitors and their animals.  But it was nice that we didn't have to deal with any of that.  I'm sure it won't be that way every time, but for her first time it was just what we needed.  Kinley loved watching her run free and play.  They both really enjoyed it.  Fall has really set in here.  Kinley was bundled up in her new sweat pants (baby sweat pants are adorable!) and her jacket and I was in jeans and a jacket.  Richie, shorts, a polo and sandals.  He's holding on to summer, I guess?  It was chilly.

We did some driving around after the dog park and visited some neighborhoods looking for homes for sale to get some ideas of where we may want to watch for home sales.  Found some very nice ones....and some too nice ones!  I fell in love with one home and of course searched it up online when we got home.  Ha!  Yeah, no.

I also did a lot of thinking about the mommy group that I joined.  The leader called me yesterday to confirm that she received my registration payment and paperwork and wanted to see if I needed childcare.  Excuse me, what?  Childcare for what?  She informed me that the children don't participate in the group.  And you call yourself a mommy group?  Mommy's have children.  She said that they hire "workers" to keep the kids so that the mommy's can have their own time.  Hmmm.  But I don't need any more of my own time.  That's why I get up at 5:30 in the morning.  I asked, "who are your workers?" and she said, some people the church hires.  Nope.  Not okay with that.  Psycho mom, remember?  So last night I emailed her asking for a refund.  The kind of mommy group that I am looking for, actually spends that time with their child and other mommy friends and their children.  So I'll search for another group...and if I can't find one...I'll start one.  Maybe the SoIL Chic Mommy will be a chain!  Haha

On the agenda for today, Kinley and I are hoping to go to this mall close to our house.  I'm not sure what is in it besides Kohls, Von Maur, some other major dept stores.  We're in the mood to window shop.  I am not even bringing in my wallet....cause I know how I operate.  Even if I'm not in need of something, if it's on sale, I'll buy it just to save money.  I know, I'm stupid.  After the mall, we're supposed to go tour a prospective child care center for the part time care she'll need in January.  I still may cancel that appointment.  I'm very leary about her in a center.  Beyond those two things, I have zero plans.

This weekend we're taking Kinley to the small petting zoo on Saturday morning to do the duck feeding.  They do it every morning at 10:30 and we want daddy to come for the first time.  Then she'll get to see the animals.  Tomorrow night we'll be visiting our first church.  There are several that we're going to try and we'll try one each week until we find one we like.

Enjoy your weekend!  I'll talk to you on Monday!

Ch-ch-change

I honestly didn't think I would survive to this morning.  Kinley was a bear last night!  She just did not want to go to bed.  She cried and cried and cried.  Here I was about to cry with her because I thought she wasn't feeling well again and I just wanted to take her pain away.  I tried patting her back, laying in bed with her on my belly, letting her lay between us in bed, nursed her 1,000 times (well, maybe 4 times) and nothing seemed to help.  So off we went to the living room to rock in the recliner.  She kept crying and crying.  I gave up and sat her up in my lap and just asked her "what is going on!?" and she smiled.  Then she laughed.  Then I realized she was playing me like a fool.  She's not sick.  She's not in pain.  She's just a spoiled baby!  A monster that we (I) created.  She just didn't want to go to sleep!  We fought it till almost midnight.  I was so tired by the time that I got myself to bed that I don't even remember getting there. 

The past week I've been trying to get up with Richie and let me tell ya, 5:30 comes awfully early when you're up till midnight. 

I have been a stay at home mom for 9 months now but for some reason, I still feel the need to constantly prove myself.  It never fails that when Richie and I get into a "discussion" about house duties it always flies out of his mouth that "I get up at 5:00 every morning and am up until we go to bed at night.  I *WORK* all day long."  I understand that his job is waaaaay more physical that I could ever dream to handle...but so is mine, dang it.  In a different way.  Now, I'm not bringing this up to bash Richie.  I would never do that.  Because once the "discussion" is through, he clarifies his statement by saying that he was just trying to explain how tired he is at the end of the day...not throwing it in my face that he's up and *working* while I sleep in till 7.  In his defense, in the mornings he always tells me to get back to bed.  Or get back upstairs and sleep until Kinley wakes up but I won't.  I'm  proving myself to be as much of a hard worker as he is.  But let me clear up one thing...his work day ends by 6:00, sometimes 6:30.  Last night....I didn't get my work done until midnight.  You picking up what I'm putting down?

I got off track.  Let me get back to where I meant to be...I get up with Richie in the mornings and start my day around 5:30.  I pray that Kinley gives me until 7:00 to have "me time" and some days that happens, some days it won't.  I need the "me time" otherwise, I may just loose my mind.  And I'm not kidding. 

Becoming a mom is the biggest life change a woman can go through.  Agreed?  While parts of your life are recognizeable...many parts are familiar, yet altered.  For example, my body.  Haha.  Need I say more?  I breastfeed and my body now belongs to her until she decides that she's finished with me.  My home.  Where I used to take pride in perfecting every decorative detail, I now find that my main decorating style is Fisher Price with a touch of Graco.  My wardrobe.  Man, it sure would be nice to wear a Victoria's Secret bra again.  Nursing bras are for the birds!  And the jeans that I love to wear just don't fit the same anymore.  It's like my hips shifted to move a small watermelon through them.  Oh wait...they did.  My car.  I used to take pride in how clean I kept my vehicle (because I think it says a lot about how you live) and now, my SUV (soccer mom car) has a car seat, toys, a random sock that she pulled off and threw on the seat and maybe a few stray puffs that I threw her way to make her stop crying.  Even my beloved iPod now has a playlist titled "Kinley" and is filled with "Itsy Bitsy Spider"....nothing is my own anymore. 

I wouldn't change it for a million bucks though. 

It's strange how much you can love this new little person that comes into your life.  Sure you have the long 9 months to get used to the idea of being a parent, but until you have that child in your life....you just can't even begin to comprehend.  You just can't.  Someone can tell you and explain it to you for hours, days, weeks and you won't "get it" until you have your own.  Heck, I admit now that those first 9 days of Kinley's life while she was in the NICU, I didn't quite know yet how much I loved her.  I had never gotten to hold her or bond with her.  I knew that I loved her.  I knew that she was mine.  But I didn't have that instinct quite as strong as I do now.  Now?  I'd give anything or do anything for that girl.  Anything.

Where was I?  Oh yes, life changes.  We just went through a major move and our daily life is beginning to settle back into a routine.  I'm convinced that humans need routine to maintain normalcy.  What routine you choose for yourself is a whole 'nother issue.  Our routine is starting to work like a fine oiled machine.  Starting to.  It needs daily maintenance but it's on the right track.  To keep the routine train on the tracks, I have to tweek it to make it work for us.  This is where my focus is today.  You ever hear that quote, "If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" or something like that....let me just say that I don't make it a habit to use the "word"--ain't.  It almost hurts to type it.  But it's true, mom is the heart of the family.  As the mom here, I see room for improvement and I know that it will start with me.  Let's face it, how many dads do you see attempting to change/adjust/improve the family routine?  I hope I'm wrong, but I've not met one yet.

I think that the routine change for our family isn't really a change for all of us, but maybe for me.  I find that I let myself slack during the day and then get all stressed out when the afternoon comes because I've slacked (umm, facebooked) much of my day away.  When I get stressed, I get crabby.  Richie doesn't deserve to come home to a crabby wife.  I wouldn't want to come home to a crabby wife.  Crabby wives just suck.  So today I've declared it my goal to set myself a daily routine.  Or to fine tune the current routine.  I'm convinced that by perfecting my daily routine, it will spill out onto our family routine to make it a smoother time for all concerned.  You believe me?

Some things won't change.  For example, I'll still get up with Richie.  I'll still thoroughly enjoy my "me time," I will still devote Kinley's first hour awake to nursing, playing, going potty/changing her diaper, etc.  But after that, the day is a blur until about 3:00 when panic sets in that I didn't work on Shakespeare (I'm so freakin' behind already) and I didn't get the laundry folded and put away, I didn't unload/reload the dishwasher, etc. Then from 3:00 till 7:00 I speed clean, cook, etc and find a way to become a monster crabby wife in the  process.  I will declare certain times of my day for certain things.  It would be a joke to put it all down into any type of schedule because I know that God laughs when you make plans.  Today is more of a conscious effort to make change. 

Change is good. 

Wish me luck and don't panic if you don't see me as often on facebook.  Hopefully, by not seeing me as often on there, you'll know that I'm being successful with my goal.  I'd be interested to hear about your routines and what you have found works for you.  Do you have self discipline enough to keep yourself in a routine or schedule?