I honestly didn't think I would survive to this morning. Kinley was a bear last night! She just did not want to go to bed. She cried and cried and cried. Here I was about to cry with her because I thought she wasn't feeling well again and I just wanted to take her pain away. I tried patting her back, laying in bed with her on my belly, letting her lay between us in bed, nursed her 1,000 times (well, maybe 4 times) and nothing seemed to help. So off we went to the living room to rock in the recliner. She kept crying and crying. I gave up and sat her up in my lap and just asked her "what is going on!?" and she smiled. Then she laughed. Then I realized she was playing me like a fool. She's not sick. She's not in pain. She's just a spoiled baby! A monster that we (I) created. She just didn't want to go to sleep! We fought it till almost midnight. I was so tired by the time that I got myself to bed that I don't even remember getting there.
The past week I've been trying to get up with Richie and let me tell ya, 5:30 comes awfully early when you're up till midnight.
I have been a stay at home mom for 9 months now but for some reason, I still feel the need to constantly prove myself. It never fails that when Richie and I get into a "discussion" about house duties it always flies out of his mouth that "I get up at 5:00 every morning and am up until we go to bed at night. I *WORK* all day long." I understand that his job is waaaaay more physical that I could ever dream to handle...but so is mine, dang it. In a different way. Now, I'm not bringing this up to bash Richie. I would never do that. Because once the "discussion" is through, he clarifies his statement by saying that he was just trying to explain how tired he is at the end of the day...not throwing it in my face that he's up and *working* while I sleep in till 7. In his defense, in the mornings he always tells me to get back to bed. Or get back upstairs and sleep until Kinley wakes up but I won't. I'm proving myself to be as much of a hard worker as he is. But let me clear up one thing...his work day ends by 6:00, sometimes 6:30. Last night....I didn't get my work done until midnight. You picking up what I'm putting down?
I got off track. Let me get back to where I meant to be...I get up with Richie in the mornings and start my day around 5:30. I pray that Kinley gives me until 7:00 to have "me time" and some days that happens, some days it won't. I need the "me time" otherwise, I may just loose my mind. And I'm not kidding.
Becoming a mom is the biggest life change a woman can go through. Agreed? While parts of your life are recognizeable...many parts are familiar, yet altered. For example, my body. Haha. Need I say more? I breastfeed and my body now belongs to her until she decides that she's finished with me. My home. Where I used to take pride in perfecting every decorative detail, I now find that my main decorating style is Fisher Price with a touch of Graco. My wardrobe. Man, it sure would be nice to wear a Victoria's Secret bra again. Nursing bras are for the birds! And the jeans that I love to wear just don't fit the same anymore. It's like my hips shifted to move a small watermelon through them. Oh wait...they did. My car. I used to take pride in how clean I kept my vehicle (because I think it says a lot about how you live) and now, my SUV (soccer mom car) has a car seat, toys, a random sock that she pulled off and threw on the seat and maybe a few stray puffs that I threw her way to make her stop crying. Even my beloved iPod now has a playlist titled "Kinley" and is filled with "Itsy Bitsy Spider"....nothing is my own anymore.
I wouldn't change it for a million bucks though.
It's strange how much you can love this new little person that comes into your life. Sure you have the long 9 months to get used to the idea of being a parent, but until you have that child in your life....you just can't even begin to comprehend. You just can't. Someone can tell you and explain it to you for hours, days, weeks and you won't "get it" until you have your own. Heck, I admit now that those first 9 days of Kinley's life while she was in the NICU, I didn't quite know yet how much I loved her. I had never gotten to hold her or bond with her. I knew that I loved her. I knew that she was mine. But I didn't have that instinct quite as strong as I do now. Now? I'd give anything or do anything for that girl. Anything.
Where was I? Oh yes, life changes. We just went through a major move and our daily life is beginning to settle back into a routine. I'm convinced that humans need routine to maintain normalcy. What routine you choose for yourself is a whole 'nother issue. Our routine is starting to work like a fine oiled machine. Starting to. It needs daily maintenance but it's on the right track. To keep the routine train on the tracks, I have to tweek it to make it work for us. This is where my focus is today. You ever hear that quote, "If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy" or something like that....let me just say that I don't make it a habit to use the "word"--ain't. It almost hurts to type it. But it's true, mom is the heart of the family. As the mom here, I see room for improvement and I know that it will start with me. Let's face it, how many dads do you see attempting to change/adjust/improve the family routine? I hope I'm wrong, but I've not met one yet.
I think that the routine change for our family isn't really a change for all of us, but maybe for me. I find that I let myself slack during the day and then get all stressed out when the afternoon comes because I've slacked (umm, facebooked) much of my day away. When I get stressed, I get crabby. Richie doesn't deserve to come home to a crabby wife. I wouldn't want to come home to a crabby wife. Crabby wives just suck. So today I've declared it my goal to set myself a daily routine. Or to fine tune the current routine. I'm convinced that by perfecting my daily routine, it will spill out onto our family routine to make it a smoother time for all concerned. You believe me?
Some things won't change. For example, I'll still get up with Richie. I'll still thoroughly enjoy my "me time," I will still devote Kinley's first hour awake to nursing, playing, going potty/changing her diaper, etc. But after that, the day is a blur until about 3:00 when panic sets in that I didn't work on Shakespeare (I'm so freakin' behind already) and I didn't get the laundry folded and put away, I didn't unload/reload the dishwasher, etc. Then from 3:00 till 7:00 I speed clean, cook, etc and find a way to become a monster crabby wife in the process. I will declare certain times of my day for certain things. It would be a joke to put it all down into any type of schedule because I know that God laughs when you make plans. Today is more of a conscious effort to make change.
Change is good.
Wish me luck and don't panic if you don't see me as often on facebook. Hopefully, by not seeing me as often on there, you'll know that I'm being successful with my goal. I'd be interested to hear about your routines and what you have found works for you. Do you have self discipline enough to keep yourself in a routine or schedule?