Thursday, September 30, 2010
Kinley tried getting up again last night at about 4:00. But as our new pediatrician told us the other day, dad has to get up and soothe her. Because I nurse her, and I broke the rule by putting her to sleep with nursing, every night....I have become her soother, her woobie. She wakes up and feels freaked out that her beloved boob is gone and cries. If I run in to her, she wants her boobie friend. We don't want her getting accustomed to middle of the night nursing (again) so dad goes in to rub her back and soothe her. It actually works! He said it didn't take her long to go back to sleep. And I didn't have to get up! Score!
I actually feel incredibly guilty about it though.
My soapbox has always been "just because I stay at home with my daughter, doesn't mean that I do nothing all day." I honestly think that the majority of people feel that SAHM's do nothing but eat bon bon's and watch soaps. Ha! Trade me places for a week. I am constantly feeling the need to defend my role in this family. My husband is not one that thinks I do nothing all day. He tells me every day that he couldn't do it. He sometimes complains after an evening with Kinley. She is extremely high maintenance (well duh, she's a baby!). She can truly wear you out. Trust me, I know. So why do I not give myself the credit that -deep down- I know I deserve.
Back to the midnight waking and Richie having to be up with her. I find myself thinking "I'm home all day, I should be the one up all night. He has to 'go to work.' "
Some days I wonder if post-partum depression can rear its ugly head ten months late. Not that I really feel all that depressed...but just completely exhausted. I don't find myself crying or hating the world or feeling totally sad....so maybe depression isn't right. But the exhaustion is completely consuming me. I love my daughter...more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. But sometimes, I am just tired. The last few weeks I have caught myself laying in bed at night just dreading morning. Dreading the fact that I have to get up and do it all again. Laying in bed wondering if I will get a full night's sleep. Will she wake up early or will I get my "me time" and my two cups of coffee? Will she be in a good mood? Will I have the energy or time to take a shower? Will we get out of the house for errands or fresh air? Will I have time to do my homework? Will I have the energy to clean the house and cook dinner? I lay there with all of these thoughts just swirling in my head and I pray to God to just let me have a day where I can "go" to work. Am I a bad mom? In all reality, I wouldn't trade places with anyone. Getting to see my daughter all day, every day....it's a blessing. But I need a break. My mind is screaming from the inside that I need a break.
Since we've moved up here, I have not had more than one hour of alone time. We moved here on August 23 and on September 18th (yes, I know the day) I had my eyebrows waxed so I left the house alone for about an hour. Aside from that hour, I've been with my daughter 24/7, minus sleeping, of course. (Oh, I lied....I did have about two hours of alone time when I went to pick-up/drop off my friend, Chris.) How lucky am I?! Like I said before, I am blessed and thankful to be a stay at home mom. But I'm human too. Mom's are human too. Just like teachers are human too. As a kid, you never forget the first time you see your teacher in a restaurant or grocery store....whoa! they eat food too?!
When I bring this up to Richie, his immediate response is "just go somewhere, I got this." But I won't go. I feel like I'm failing at my "job" if I go. This can't be normal. I worry about my school work. Here I'm finally able to get back to school and finish what I've started and I can't even find the time to do the work for an online only class! How am I going to juggle going to class two days a week, plus the extensive work load from those two classes. It's not an easy lab that you can breeze through. There is so much work involved. Part of me wants to just throw my hands up and say "I quit, I can't do it." But I'm tired of quitting what I want. I always give up my needs. It's not fair.
I'm jealous of Richie. I am jealous that he goes to work, has work friendships, adult conversation and interaction. He comes home, takes a shower, eats dinner, has his twenty minute "throne time" and then watches Kinley on the floor while we watch our shows. I am lucky if I get a shower or time to go to the bathroom alone. Sure I could use my hour of "me time" for homework, a shower, alone time to go to the bathroom (wow, this just totally got to be TMI) but I honestly think that without the hour of "me time" I would be certifiable. No joke.
At the same time that I'm jealous of Richie, I'm so extremely thankful to him. He goes to work and works hard so that I can stay home. So that I can go to school. So that we can eat. Kinley has a college fund and savings. All because he works. I guess it just comes down to the fact that we are both giving 100% of ourselves to make this life work...but we show it in different ways.
There is a balance, I'm sure. There is always a balance. Finding it is the hardest part.
I just want to know....am I crazy for feeling these feelings? Am I dealing with life or is it sprinkled with a little post partum depression?
To be completely honest, I almost highlighted and hit delete on this post. Twice.