Monday, September 20, 2010

Selfish, Superficial Me

Happy Monday!  Time for life to return to the normal pace and normal routine.  Stay at home mom's have a work day just like working's just a different kind.  I don't leave to get to work, I wake up to it. 

We had a beautiful weekend.  As I mentioned earlier, Richie did have to work on Saturday.  Kinley and I went to a yard sale west of here to check out some fall clothes for her.  It was advertised on Craigslist and it sounded like a really nice one.  She did have some nice things...but most of it was repeat of her 3-6 month wardrobe.  We bought a couple of things but our favorite was this little activity table.  It was a steal at $12!  At Babies R Us the table is listed at $42.  It looks brand new and Kinley *loves* it.  She stood there playing all weekend.  Everything was super clean, which is a requirement at a yard sale.  We also bought her a Taggies ball.  I've been wanting to get her a Taggies and she may be too old for it now, but she did pay it some attention when we got home.  It was only like $2 so even if it was fun for a day, we got our money's worth! 

We stopped at another yard sale close to the first one and man oh man do I wish I hadn't!  It turned out to be what we call a "professional yard sale," you know....the ones that are every weekend and they just add more crap to it.  I stopped because I saw a ton of baby clothes and some toys but upon further inspection, I found all crap.  The clothes were worn out and stained, the toys were filthy!  Unfortunately, the lady refused to let me walk away without buying something.  She kept dragging me one way to show me "this" or dragging me that way to show me "that" she even went so far to bring out her daughter's yearly pictures to show me these "amazing" dresses that she had her in for the pictures and just thought I "had to buy them" for Kinley.  Not only did they look like they were dug out of the far corner of her basement, but they were missing buttons, snagged, etc. 

She was a hoarder.  I'm not kidding.  I seriously felt the need to shower when I left her house.  Now, I don't live life thinking that I'm any better than anyone else but this lady really needed to get a grip.  I felt sorry for her. She did confide that she lost her job two years ago (just as everyone else in this area did) and she said over half of the community where she lived had done the same.  The whole area is saturated with foreclosure.  The story was probably just to pull at my heartstrings...but it did just that.  I bought a couple of things for $6.  I'll maybe use them for around the house or just donate them back to Goodwill.

Richie was on his way home when we got back from the yard sales and it was pouring down rain.  That's two weekends in a row of rainy weather.  We decided to go to Ed Debevic's for lunch and had a terrific time.  Kinley loved watching the servers dance to "Carwash."  It was so adorable!  It really was a great time.  We got home and I went for my eyebrow wax appointment, excuse me, "eyebrow design" appointment.  I should have known I was in for it when they called it an "eyebrow design" appointment.  That just screams expensive!  I found this salon next to the Starbucks close to our house.  It was close, looked decent, so I thought "why not."  I sooo needed the eyebrow attention, ahem, design.

Sunday we decided to try out a church close to home.  We went to the 10:30 mass and thought we would be pushing it since it was when Kinley should be napping.  Oh boy....we made it a whole twenty minutes or so before having to leave.  Kinley acting up makes me laugh...and let me just say that I was cracking up.  Richie held her for the first 10-15  minutes that we were there and she was all over the place.  She wanted to see everything and would have just preferred being on the floor playing.  When he'd had enough, she came over to my lap.  She was so badly wanting the man sitting behind me to pay attention to her.  She kept going "aaaahhhhaaaa" at him and then smiling really big (behind her paci, she had that to try and curb the noise coming from her mouth).  He was not having it and was not entertained.  But she kept doing it.  I was cracking up which made Richie mad because he said I was encouraging her.  haha  I am still laughing about it.  I tried turning her around and she would swing her head back and again "aaaahhhhaaaa" and then smile really big just waiting for him to respond.  It just kept getting louder.  She did this about five times...I wish he would have just smiled at her or something so that she'd be satisfied and get over it.  Then she decided she wanted to nurse and she wanted to nurse right then.  We're beyond the point of public nursing now.  She's old enough to not need it on demand like that, in my opinion.  So I ended up having to give her back to Richie so that she'd stop trying to rip through my shirt.  Then she lost it.

I pushed Richie out of the pew and I followed behind.  I really didn't feel a connection with that church at many funny looks at us when Kinley was fidgeting and I don't care for that.  We'll try somewhere different next time and I think I'll start looking in to a church with a nursery because I am not able to get much out of the service when handling Miss Show-Off.

We ran some errands and called it a night.  It was a typical busy, crazy weekend.  No matter how much I try to slow them down, it just never happens.

Let's revisit my "eyebrow design" appointment.  I've been contemplating a blog for some time  but the words never came together in my mind.  It was always just a bunch of thoughts that couldn't form into a story, until my eyebrown design....and with a little help from another blog that I read.  It was this entry that I so related to and it was my "ah ha" moment that helped me put my thoughts in order.  I admit that I was/am almost embarrassed to even admit to most of the thoughts, but now after reading her blog I realize that I'm not the only one that feels that way! 

I walk into the salon for my appointment.  It was a cold day and after yard saling, the rain, lunch, I was still in jeans and a hoodie and my gym shoes.  No big deal.  I had plans to shower and get "ready" after getting my eyebrows ripped out of my face.  I walk in and this place is swanky.  Oh wow.  Instantly, I feel beneath them.  What the heck?  No one makes you feel inferior without your consent...and I was signing that bottom line on the consent form.  The parking lot should have told me what I'd find when there were more Mercedes than not.  The man that was there to check me into my appointment (obviously the owner) was wearing a super posh suit.  I wanted to just turn around and walk out.  I felt so out of place.  But I was like, no, you're here.   Just do it.  "Samantha" came to meet me and take me back to the spa area for my "eyebrow design."  Now let me just describe "Samantha."  Hmmm, 22-24, dark hair, gorgeous, wearing the trendiest outfit, stilettos, very pretty.  I felt like Beauty and the Beast.  The beast was wearing a hoodie, jeans and gym shoes.  How embarrassing.  She was super nice though.  Not at all how I expected her to be.  Granted, she was working for her tip, but she was nice.  All of the staff that I met were very nice.  It was something in me that made me feel inferior.  And that's where it begins.

Several years ago, maybe four or five, I felt on top of the world.  I felt pretty, I felt on top of my game and I never felt inferior to anyone.  I was proud of my appearance, I was proud of me.  Where did that go?  How did I lose it all?  Was it getting (re)married?  Was it moving away?  Was it becoming a mom?  How did I fall so far? 

Where I am now is a totally different place.  I consider the Joy today a much frumpier, homely version to what I was then.  While I don't think it's necessarily bad, I do think that it needs improvement.  And I don't want improvement for anyone else's opinion of me, I want improvement for MY opinion of me.  I never want to feel that inferior way again.  But I ask myself, is it simply the material things that made me feel that way?  The fact that she had the perfect body, or the perfect hair, the perfect  make-up, the perfect outfit.... I didn't know anything about her other than she has twin sisters, lived in the area and had a boyfriend in the city.  It was purely the superficial, material things that made me feel inferior.  How shallow am I?! 

I take pride in those superficial things and I think many women do!  While we know what is truly important in life:  family, home, friends--it's nice to have that icing too.  Am I right?

I lost the polished outer shell that I used to have and I miss it!  I was trying to talk to Richie about all of this yesterday and he either wasn't listening or just didn't get it.  But we did come to a conclusion that all of my time and money that I used to spend to make the outter me shine, is now 100% absorbed by my daughter.  If I have extra money, she's getting new clothes or new toys.  Does she need either?  Ummm, not a chance.  If we have an hour to get ready, she'll be bathed, dressed to perfection, diaper bag packed and I'll grab jeans and a hoodie.  I put her first for everything.  That's when I realized that I'm a MOM now.  Life is going to be this way from now on!  Get used to it, girlfriend! 

Now that I found this realization....I have to find the balance.  There is a balance somewhere.  It makes me want to make a list.  You know I love making lists!  I am making my list of superficial things.  Things that I want for ME.  Things I want to improve or splurge on for selfish reasons.  I don't intend to go out one weekend and just cross everything off.  No way would that even be possible...but I am going to make time to realize that sometimes it's okay to not spend it all on Kinley when she doesn't *need* it and it is okay to spend some on me. 

Guys have it easy, you know?  They need something/want something, they just get it.  Simple.  No drama.  If it is hunting season and Richie needs hunting tags, there is no question or doubt....he just buys them.  If he needs hunting equipment or shotgun shells, he buys it.  Women don't have it that easy.  We feel that inner part of us that tells us "kids first, before you." 

I would love to have a shopping day to find that pair of jeans that fit my new (uhhhh, do I dare even admit it) mom body.  When I was getting ready for church, I was going through my closet almost in tears as I stared at the clothes that were the same clothes I had three years ago when I worked for a home builder.  Some of them are the same clothes that I had ten years ago!  None of them fit (they are too big, gooo me!) but nothing has updated or changed.  That is embarrassing.  I remember when I was little and looking in my mom's closet and asking her why she had so many "70s clothes" in there.  Now I know. 

Maybe an afternoon to wander around Ulta and get some new smelly good bath products.  I would love a make-up application lesson from Mac or Ulta and then splurge on some new make-up.  Is it crazy that I feel that I don't even know the proper way to apply make-up?  I've always worn the same colors in the same application.  It's not changed.  My mom never wore make-up, so I guess I never had that lesson of watching her when I was growing  up. 

Maybe a shoe shopping trip!?  The heels that I used to wear on a daily basis back in my "pretty days" are not even an option to me anymore.  Carrying a baby and a diaper bag in heels is not my idea of fun.  But I'd love to expand beyond my gym shoes and flip flops.

None of these things are beyond reality.  Women do it *all the time* but this one hasn't done it in years.  YEARS.  It's obviously not just a mom thing for me....I must have let go long before giving birth. 

I have a birthday coming up and I pray that Richie takes my "Superficial Me List" and helps me cross off a few items. 

Do I sound like a selfish brat?  What would be on your "Superficial Me List?"


Jaime said...

Hmm...I have a birthday coming up, too. Maybe we need to plan a date with the MAC counter at Macy's to celebrate US!

Amy and Dayton's Story said...

Joy, just wanted to let you know that moms can still wear those heels. I just bought myself a new pair and 4 boys later. Of course I can't wear them right because of the accident. But I leave them out where I can see them everyday and it gives me that don't give up and get back in those shoes attitude. Therapy here I come. You are not selfish. It took me a long time to come to grips with my children don't need everything all the time. Sometimes we need that mom time to spoil ourselves and congratulate ourselves for being wonderful moms and wives. So I am telling you congrats and happy birthday early, get something for you. It is okay. Love you cous!!!

Brandy Junge said...

Joy, I feel the EXACT same way!!! I just read this blog, and it felt like I wrote it myself. I look back at pictures of myself just 4 short years ago and think, dang, she was hot and confident. What happened?? Then I think, "Evelyn happened, and I wouldn't trade her in for anything in the world!" I'd still like to get some of that back

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