Bulletproof.

I think that it's been about a month long hiatus for me.  A month?  Really?  It went so fast.  But felt like it would never get here.

I think that I've mentally wrote a blog a day for that month long break....things that I so needed to write, wanted to write, but couldn't find the time to write.  I have had a lot to say. 

Not too sure where to begin....so I'll start like I do with everything.  Lists and bullets.

• School is over in 7 days.
• YES.  School is OVER in SEVEN DAYS!
• Did I mention that the semester ends?  In 7 days?
• Although final grades aren't in yet, I'm allowing myself to say, "Joy, you made it.  Job well done.  You came back, picked up where you left off and conquered.  Way to go, girlfriend!"
• I now have 4 weeks off before the summer semester starts.  And the pool opens soon.  Yee-haw.
• Kage's sitter wants us to keep her on one day a week to 'save' her spot during those 4 weeks.  I'm just going to look at it as that she's making it okay to take one 'me-day' a week to lay by the pool and sleep, or read, or sleep.
• I'm still waiting on official placement for student teaching.  And I'm a ball of nerves over it.  I know where my paperwork was submitted for placement and I'm great with that....but I just need to hear the final say that it's a go.  And so I wait.
• We fell apart and are working to bring it back together.
• It's hard to put the pieces back together when you aren't sure where they go, but it's a team effort.
• I'm learning something new every day.  Maybe I'm re-learning.
• It's been pneumonia cubed in this house.  I have it, he has it, Kage has it. 
• The husband's employer was bought out by a larger company (hey, it's the American way!) and now we have new insurance.  It sucks.  Capital S.  And now our savings has had to take a major blow for the INSANE co-pays and deductibles.  Thank you pneumonia.  No thanks, Cigna.  I don't like you.
• We had a blessed Easter.  Visited family and enjoyed every minute of it.

• I fell off of my diet train.  And honestly haven't cared much.  I feel like my time is spread too thin as it is to add that one more thing to my plate.  I was making myself crazier than I already am.  And starving and counting and worrying about the scale just didn't seem to make much sense for the present time.
• My daughter is no longer a baby but a crazy toddler.  She runs, she screams, she tantrums, she imagines, she's a chatterbox, she's bossy!
• I can sit and just watch her.  She blows me away.  Such an amazing little person.
• Her attitude isn't so amazing sometimes.  Did I mention the tantrums?  (she's throwing a nice one right now, because 30 minutes of mommy blowing bubbles isn't quite enough.  despite the carpet, and her, being soaked.)

• See.  Told you.  Tantrum.  Ugh.

Missing you.

Oh, how I miss thee blog!  Less than one week to go in the semester and then I'm baaaaaaacckk!  Can. Not. Wait.

Lost.

Where do you go when everything you counted on is gone? 
When everything that made sense, doesn't anymore.
Everything that you learned to trust, is broken.
How is the world on your side one week, and without notice, leaves you flat on your face?
I'm lost.  Confused.  Torn.  Ripped apart.  Upside down. 


ETA:  I disabled comments on this post.  Not because I don't want to hear about your concern, but because I know that you all send your thoughts and I hope that you all just say a prayer for us.  Tough times.

Strolling along...

And the stroller hunt ends.

We went to the huge baby store on Friday night to test drive all of the latest models.  Would you believe that they had a stroller for $1100...  A stroller.  For $1100.  Am I the only one that thinks this is crazy?!

We didn't get that one.  Shocker, I know.

But the one that we all fell in love with, Kage included, was a mere $450.  Yeah, I know.  That's what we said. 

It was so adorable.  So perfect.  So ideal. 

But, $450.

So, we walked away.  We left it at the store. Where it belongs....

And then....I came home, got on Craigslist, and found a MacLaren Mac 3 for $75.  No joke.  SOLD!

We (she) love it!  And who can beat $75.  The thing is like new....aside from needing a new tube in one tire.  But we fixed it right up at the local bike shop and off to the park we went!

Spring found Chicago!

Finally.

Spring it on me!

Is Spring ever going to find Chicago?

All that I want to do is put my baby in her stroller and go....

I would take her to the downtown shops.  I would take her for a special cupcake at the little cupcake shop that I found.  And *how* cute is it!?  I would let her choose any of them that she wanted and then we would sit at the little table inside and she could devour the sugary goodness and smile her sweet smile. 

I would take her to the river walk and let her watch the geese play in the water.  We could bring some bread and she could throw it for them to eat.  She would love it!  She loves the outdoors and she loves animals. 

So many things that I could think of that my baby and I could do.

If only spring would find Chicago.

Today, (if her fever is gone when she wakes up) we are going to go stroller shopping.  We've been using the bulky one that came with the travel system.  I wanted that thing *so bad* because it is so cute with the pink and brown polka dots.  Polka dots are kind of my theme for her.  Everything is in polka dots.  But 15 months later and several months post infant car seat....that travel system stroller is just too bulky for our daily needs. 

We also have an el-cheap-o umbrella stroller but that thing is so short that it kills my back to push it.  I'm all legs....and while I'm not a tall girl, I sure feel like Godzilla when I have to hunch down to push her in it.

So we're going to one of those huge baby stores today to 'test drive' some new strollers.  I already know which one I want, but I know that the price tag will scare her father into a coma.  Because he's tight.  And that's good!  We're simplifying.  Remember?  (Remember, Joy!)  But I justify it for the fact that we're going to use it for years to come.  So why not go a little overboard and enjoy it longer.  Otherwise, we may end up having to buy two before her stroller years are gone.  Am I doing a good job at convincing here?

We'll see what we find.  A lot of times the nice 'Cadillac' strollers don't end up being nearly as nice as you would think they should be.  And I honestly look at it like I would a shoe.  I want her to try it on before I buy it.  She needs to sit in it, I'm going to push her around the store in it.  She needs to be comfortable.  And the chariot must fit the princess.  Pink is optional.

Until spring finds us, we'll be stuck inside.  Doing boring things....like sitting in tiny boxes.

I'm still chugging away on my diet.  Feeling more than frustrated.  I'm not a good dieter.  At. All.  I'm an instant gratification type of person.  I want results now.  And.....I'm not getting results now.  All that I have in my mind is this picture of me from like 2005/06 when I was at my hottest (and I'm not talking temperature).  I know that this isn't realistic anymore.  I HAD A BABY.  But I can't get that out of my head.  (Good thing I'm seeing Dr. Laura again this week.)  On myfitnesspal.com there is a thread in the message board about before/after pictures.  So, you know me, anything for a picture, ran to get my camera.  Threw myself in a bikini (one from that 2006 photo that I so kick myself over daily) and squeezed into it.

Seriously, I wanted to barf.

Ugh.

But, I took the picture.  And I refuse to post it *until* I reach a more slender frame.  Cause, quite frankly, it's gross.  I'm not even joking.

I'm technically down 3 pounds this week.  But I only say 'technically' because I am going off of my morning weight.  In the morning, I wake up about 3 pounds lighter than when I go to bed.  My starting weight with this diet, was my bedtime weight.  Soooo, I'm fudging to make myself feel better and to motivate me.  Sue me. 

I called this huge mondo gym facility yesterday and it is a lot cheaper than I thought it would be.  $39 a month.  No contract.  Plus, they have rock climbing, a pool, hot tubs, a day care, an indoor track and an indoor bike track....and some other amenities that my ADD didn't listen to.  But I'm going to go for my tour tonight and most likely sign up.  Plus, I would get 24 hour access....so I can work out after Kage is in bed.  It'll cut into my sleep, but that's okay.  There is only a month left this semester so I'm not going to sleep anyway. 

So when/if I ever lose my 20 pounds....*Joy, you WILL lose the 20 pounds.*....this is my prize.  Now, don't you wish that VS would just send you the body to go with the suit?!  Wouldn't that be nice?!  They sure would make a lot more sales that way.  Cause if I had her tummy, I would buy 20 of those suits.  And probably wear them to the grocery too.  And to church.  Well, not to church.  But maybe to go bowling or something. 

Ugh.   I'm being so superficial. 

But I can't help it.  We have a pool right across from our back door.  Kage and I will be using it daily.  Vitamin D purposes only.  Right?  I mean, the child will not drink milk so we have to get it from somewhere.  :)  The first suit that I chose as my prize was a sequined top.  And then I realized, ummm, hello, baby?!  Yeah, holding KG with a sequined top would result in her getting scratched and her pulling them off at random.  It would totally be a distraction from her learning to be comfortable in the water.

All joking aside, I've got my mind focused on something and I'm going to accomplish.  With gazelle intensity (as my friend Dave Ramsey would say). 

If I join the gym tonight, it's on.  And hopefully I meet someone so super cool (like, as cool as me.   haha) and they will be my workout buddy.  I need someone to kick me in the butt when I feel like slacking.  I have my myfitnesspal.com friend network to smack the ding dongs out of my hand but I need someone right here, in my face, keeping me on that elliptical.  Or keeping me running.  Maybe if they dangle a twinkie in front of the treadmill I will keep running?  :)

Now, I'm just being silly.  You know that.

Who's in it to win it?

What do you do when your marriage becomes a competition?

I have washed the dishes two nights in a row! 
Well, I washed them all of last week!

I bathe the baby every night!
Well, I did it the other day!

I do all of the cooking and shopping and budgeting...
Well, I go to work every day.

Why does a marriage become a competition?

It seems that every day is full of the 'one-up' race.  I did this but you did that better.  Or, you did this but I did that more.

And then it goes to the place of fighting over who is more committed to the relationship....  and that is where things get tough.

I try every day to keep you happy.
Well, I try harder to make you happy and you never even notice.

I try to be the perfect spouse.
Well, I can't tell that you're trying.

Who really wins?

My Sacrifice

She makes my world a better place.

Being a mom is *so hard* sometimes.  It's about sacrifice.  It's about compromise.  It's about unconditional love. 

Kage is still sick.  Still running a fever. 

She can't go to day care.  Not only because of her fever, but the day care lady's son has pink eye and the stomach flu.  So....yeah.  Not wanting any of that.

I have class.  Not just class, but I am scheduled to teach today. 

Kage's dad has to work.

He took off Tuesday to pick her up early and stay home with her.

It's my turn.

So much of a risk for me to miss a class.  In this semester, absences are not acceptable. 

It's not my 'style' to miss class.  I take my education seriously and this close to graduation, I can't mess around.  In my Wednesday class, I've missed two classes and had to leave early once (which counts as an absence) for my mom duties. 

I'm beginning to really fret about my grades! 

My Wednesday professor said that I should be okay....but I just hate getting the reputation of being that student that misses all of the time.

But what can I do?  I'm a mom.  That comes first.  She needs me.  She can count on me.  Regardless of anything else in this life, I am there for her.  Forever and always.

That's what this means.

I will sacrifice all other things for her.

Dad's just don't view the world like that, do they?

Maybe they do, but they don't react the same way that moms do.  Because when her dad and I were discussing the arrangement for today--he was set on the fact that he can not (will not) miss work today because he can't get the reputation of being unreliable at work.

Hmmmm.

I understand that he has to work to put food on our table.  But I have to graduate in December so that I can get out in the workforce to support my daughter!

It's give and take.

It's supposed to be give and take.

My mom just says that I need to deal and get over it because this is what it means to be a mom.  I get that.  I'm not complaining for one millisecond about caring for her.  I *want* to be the one with her today.  I guess what I feel crappy about is sacrifice.

It's not a competition.  I get that.

Maybe I am being a big baby about things...

But maybe I'm not.

Warrior Momma

You know, sometimes I wonder how I do it.  Its like, when your baby is sick, you just become this new person, a new personality, a new being.  There is one thing I'm sure of, you don't mess with my baby.

I drove the hour and a half commute to class yesterday, because we were on campus and not at the elementary school.  The kids had the day off....still unsure why.  Anyway.  So I drove to class with Pink blaring the whole way.  It was a good commute. 

Standing in the hall conversing with my classmates before class started and I get a text, "She's running a slight fever.  Call me when you can."  It was KG's day care lady.  My heart sank.  You see, that morning, I said to my husband that I thought she was warm.  On Monday she was super clingy and fussy, I blamed teething.  Tuesday morning, my husband blamed my accusations of her 'being warm' on my mommy psycho-ness.  (which if often the case, but I knew better this day)  So while I was shocked to get the text, I wasn't really.  I knew that I was at least 90 minutes from her, maybe more with traffic at this point.  Dad was the only option. 

I got it arranged for him to pick her up and immediately called her doctor to get her in.  They had an opening at 10:30 with a ped in the same office as ours.  We never get to see our ped for sick visits.  Ever.  (Rant #1).  Even though when we interviewed her and chose her, we were told that she holds about 4 appointment slots open daily for situations just as these.  Not once have we been able to see her for a sick visit. 

Dad picked her up at 9:30 and took her straight over to the doctor's office.  You all probably realize by now how nuts I am when it comes to being a mom.  I'm slightly obsessive, crazy some may say, when it comes to my daughter.  I go overboard sometimes.  You can imagine what a nutcase I was sitting in class knowing that my baby was sick.  At the doctor.  With her dad.  No offense to him, (okay so he'll take it offensively) but dads just don't do it the same.  Dads just don't listen the same.  Dads just don't cuddle the same.  And, really, dads just don't fight the same.  I gave him specific instructions to 'get mad' and 'demand answers' but I just felt like I wasn't going to get my point across via my significant other.

About 45 minutes after they arrived, I got a text saying that they were in the lab, signal was bad, he'd call me later.  Ummmmm, yeah, I flew out of my classroom so fast.  Called him.  Went to voicemail.  I did the whole call, get voicemail, hang up, call again.  Did that about five times.  FINALLY, he answered.  He was saying something about her immune system and looking for something....but his phone was not holding signal.  I believe that at this point I was shaking.  Had I not been 90 + minutes away, I would have been there.  Stat. 

It took another 30 minutes or so for me to hear anything.  And wouldn't you know it.....he couldn't remember most of what the doctor said.  I realized then that this was going to end up in a big old argument...him vs. me.  So I said, forget it, I'm calling the doctor.

I called the doctor's office and as politely as I could (which wasn't very polite), said "WTF" (not in those words, but as closely as I could without offending).  The receptionist sent my call to the medical assistant and she informed me that they were testing for a blood infection, possibly mono, possibly inflammation in her tissues, could be liver enzymes, flu, step, could be blah, blah, blah.  But (she said the 'but' as if it were going to be good news) her throat is raw and inflamed and she had green stuff way up in her nose.

If I could have went through the phone, I would have.  They tell me that her throat is raw and inflamed EVERY TIME I go there.  And lately, I'm getting a little tired of the generic responses.  If her throat is raw and inflamed every other week for over two months....FIND OUT WHY and FIX IT!

They ran every test they could to check for everything they could think of and it all comes back normal.  I hate the word 'normal' because really, what is normal? 

We're supposed to treat the symptoms and 'ride it out' and wait for our appointment wtih the ENT--which is the 15th.

She was fevered all night, crying in her sleep and then, the croup-y cough returned.  The one she just got over.  Seriously?  What is going on!?

I called the doctor's office first thing this morning.  So early, that the answering service started to answer and then the receptionist picked up half way through.  I had to of been the first caller of the day.  But, imagine this, our doctor is "booked" for the day. Despite her telling me in our interview that she keeps 4 slots open for emergencies AND I called at 8:00 on the dot. 

The lady on the other end of the phone offered to have us see another ped in the office.  I declined.  She offered to have me talk to a nurse.  I declined.  I said that I want OUR dr to call me back.  I swear that the office staff is like her secret service.  You have to get through them to get to her.  Ugh.

Fast forward a few hours, the dr's

I really don't have expectations of learning anything new at this appointment.  I'm sure that she'll say it's a 'virus' (and we all know how much I love that) and that I just have to wait it out...but at least I'm trying.  I'm trying to figure out what is going on with my baby girl.  Because my instinct, my motherly instinct, says that they aren't catching something. 

Off my rant.

Let's talk this diet.  By use of myfitnesspal.com, I'm learning so much about what I'm putting into my body.  And well, after completing my diary yesterday, I was alerted that I'm not taking in enough calories.  Guess my old ways of starvation to lose weight is kind of creeping in the background.  I'm going to try really hard to do better today. 

It's really hard, because we don't buy healthy food.  We buy junk that is quick and easy.  So I can eat a little bit a few times a day.  I'm starving.  I know that my body is just getting used to the changes in my diet...but I wish it would hurry up.  My days used to be filled with eating chocolate and chips and candy and more chocolate and then maybe some sweet tea and more potato chips.  (and I wonder why I am so chubby)  I'm still working at it though, and I am keeping up with the walking at night.  Still haven't gone to the gym to get a membership, but only because I've been consumed with a sick baby and homework. 

No more excuses.

My body is rejecting this diet...

That has to be what is going on.  I have been ill all afternoon.

Day one of this diet has been rough.  Not only did it take me three years to prepare my salad (maybe not three years, more like 45 minutes, but it felt like 3 years as I was chopping lettuce, and the peppers, and the apple and the carrots) but I started having 'issues' right after I ate it!  I think that my body is rejecting the healthy stuff.

When I joined myfitnesspal, it 'issued' me 1200 calories a day.  So I had cheerios with skim milk for breakfast along with my coffee.  I entered that into the app and watched my "remaining calories" dwindle.  Talk about a gulp.  Watching my daily 'allowance' of calories plummet is just way scary to me.  I mean, what if I'm still hungry and have no calories left to spend?!  I'm really looking way too much into this.  But me being the control freak that I am, hates handing over my 'power' to this app. 

Okay, so I'm not handing over my power....

See what I mean, even my brain is rejecting this diet.  I feel all loopy, dizzy and confused.  ugh.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

It's stressin' me out. 

Are you on myfitnesspal?  If you are.....comment below.  We can be 'friends' and help keep each other accountable.

Chubbo

That's it!  I've had it.  I'm tired of being unhappy with myself.  I'm tired of looking like I'm pregnant with number 2.  I'm tired of feeling unattractive.  I'm tired of looking "in my 30s."  I'm tired of my mom jeans.  I'm tired of feeling tired.

This is me, one year ago.  Four months after giving birth.  I can hardly remember feeling that thin.  Or that good.  I was so confident and so happy with my body.  And that was AFTER the baby. 

So this whole, "I had a baby and my stomach will never look the same" story, isn't going to fly. 

I need to get over myself.  Get over the excuses.  Get off my butt, put the junk food down and get outside and run.  Or into the gym and bust my bucket on the elliptical.  That's the only way. 

I've become so accustomed to eating anything and everything and it's just not going to fly anymore.

As of today, the pop goes away.  I mean, I didn't drink a lot of pop, but when I did, it was regular and not diet.  And I justified it by saying that I was "allowed" to have regular pop since I dealt with gestational diabetes and couldn't have regular pop through my pregnancy.  That's a line of bull, Joy.  Get over it.

Sweet tea is a famous drink in our house, and I won't allow myself to have it anymore.  From now on, it's water.  With a lemon wedge and a splenda.  Tastes just like lemonade. 

And from now on, I'll smack my own hand when I reach for a swiss cake roll or cheese puffs.  *Back away from the snack cabinet, chubby!*

I am going to increase my activity.  Today I danced with KG until I broke a sweat.  I did crunches with her sitting on my belly.  She's loving the new games!  At night after I get her in bed, I will take Lucy for a walk....or just go for a run by myself.  There is a nice gym not too far from our place, so I may look in to joining there.

I'm not alone in my journey.  My bestie is going to be right there with me the whole way.  Our goal is 20 pounds.  Ten this month and ten next month.  We can do it.  I just wish that she lived closer so that we could do our night workouts together.

She's encouraging me to stick to the 1200 calorie a day plan....but it's going to be so hard for me.  Dieting this way is all new to me.  In the past, to drop weight I would starve myself and work out twice a day.  It always worked!  Always.  So I'm going to try the 1200 daily calories thing.  I downloaded the myfitnesspal ap to the Touch today. 

I am just ready to not look like this anymore.  We went on a walk yesterday and every store front that we walked in front of had me staring into my own reflection.  Wanting so badly to deny the gut that I saw. 

I will lose this.  And I will lose it by summer.  We have a beautiful pool right outside our door and I want to use it and not feel like hiding in a tent.  And not only will I do this for myself, but I will be doing this for KG.  I want to show her how to be healthy.  Eating healthy, working out and taking care of yourself is so important!  Wish me luck.