It's gonna catch up with me...

It's probably one of my husband's biggest pet peeves.  But I can't help it.  I've always been this way, and I'll probably always BE this way.  It's just me.

I hate pumping gas.  HATE it.  I just feel that it's not my thing.  Pumps are nasty, dirty, gross.  It's just one issue that I'd rather have taken care of for me.  Kind of like how I keep his bathroom clean, or how I keep his sheets washed, or filling his belly with good food.....

Is it too much to ask to be pampered in this one way?  Really?

I will do it, if I have to.  But I've come to learn that I have approximately 30 miles once the light comes on before I need to worry.  So when that light comes on, I'm just done running for the week.  Or until he pumps my gas. 

We're innovative....or not.

Don't you hate it when you come up with a grand idea only to find that someone else already had that grand idea?

When the husband and I were at my mom's over the holidays, we got the chance to sleep on the new polar fleece sheets that she bought for the guest bed.  For me, this was like a slice of heaven.  I am always cold.  I have no problem sleeping in pants, long sleeved shirt and a hoodie...oh, and some fuzzy socks.  So climbing in to a pocket of soft fuzzy fleece just felt amazing.  To me.  To him, he explained it as comparable to pulling the cotton from a bottle of pills.  You know what I'm talking about.  That sensory issue doesn't bother me (now if you start talking styrofoam, then we have a sensory issue).  For him, he cringed as he slid into bed.  Here I am with the sheets and down comforter up to my nose and he can barely get waist deep into the bed.

So he casually said, we should invent half and half sheets.  Half fleece, half cotton.  I sat straight up and was like "woooooooowwwww" that is a GREAT idea!  So off I went to sleep dreaming of which company I would write first thing in the morning to tell them of the great idea.  We were going to be millionaires by the end of the week.  Everyone would want to have our half and half sheets.  I started stressing over the perfect name for the sheets.  This was our big break.

The next morning, I found this.

Grrrrr.  Well, scratch that land out west that we were planning to buy. 

Someone *stole* our idea.  Okay, so they didn't *steal* my idea.  But man, I was disappointed, with a capital D. 

And then, the whole lottery thing didn't work out for us last night either.  I tell ya, I'm just destined to be working class forever, I guess.

So it's not like winning the lottery, but winning the Noxzema give-away is pretty close.  The gift pack came in yesterday (sorry Ms. Winner for the delay) and I about fell over.  I received two boxes yesterday, one from Fed Ex and one from UPS.  The Fed Ex box held a late Christmas gift.  The UPS box was the box from Noxzema.  The UPS box was more than twice the size of the Fed Ex.  I stood in my foyer with jaw dropped and camera phone in hand.  Mr. Noxzema, you outdid yourself.  This puppy is niiiiice.  I'll ship it out to the winner today.

Oh, and my late Christmas present that also came yesterday is now living in my kitchen.  And I love her.  Now I mentioned (was it yesterday?) that my coffee was starting to not taste good to me and I can't even tell you why.  I even did the "clean" function on my pot and the vinegar brewed through. It just still tasted kind of ick.  So today, I had my first cup of Keurig coffee.  I bought their brand of "Donut Shop Coffee" and let me just say that it's divine.  Tastes so fresh and so rich and so.....good.  The only issue...all of my coffee cups are too tall to fit under the spout thingy.  Sooooo I must go shopping and find myself a super cute *short* coffee cup to fit.  Strange problem, right?  But if every cup tastes as good as this one, it's worth it.  And, I see it as a reason to buy myself my blogging coffee cup.  Maybe I'll even buy a custom coffee cup with my blog logo on it.  Yes, there is a blog logo coming.  But that's a secret.  Shhhh.  And maybe I can even give away a cup or two.  We'll see.  School starts in just a few weeks and I have a feeling that I'm going to have an adjustment period of figuring out my time, or lack of.

But back to my too tall coffee cups.  You should have seen me scavenging through my kitchen looking for a shorter coffee cup last night.  I searched everywhere, but I guess I gave all of our old dishes to Goodwill (which is great that I donated!).  I was super sad thinking that I wouldn't get to try out my new gadget.  So my husband got out a pyrex bowl (a small one) and put it under there. Ta-da!  Makeshift cup.  I brewed into the bowl and poured it into my tall cup.  I am not doing that every day.  But I got to enjoy my new gadget and drink and delish cup of coffee today.  Go us.

Wow...that was fast.

So the therapist's office just called.  I see Dr. Laura THIS Saturday afternoon.

And the pit in my gut swallows me whole.

Why am I so nervous?  I went to her for so long...but it was so long ago.  Part of me feels like a failure for having to go back.  Part of me feels that she'll be disappointed to see me show up at her door again.  Part of me hopes that she'll be happy that I was smart enough to get help when I knew I needed it.

I guess I just hoped that my appointment would be a few weeks from now and I'd have time to prepare.  I guess sooner is better than later.

TV Dish

So, I just wanted to dish for a second...about the one hour of The Bachelor that I managed to watch before we gave up and went to bed.  Don't give me spoilers...we're going to try and finish it tonight.

What the heck is up with the vampire chick, Madison?  Does anyone else find her totally weird-o?  Seriously, who could possibly think that it was even somewhat cool to wear fangs to meet the bachelor?  She's a nut job.  Okay, there is my opinion.

The husband and I would totally give the first impression rose to the southern girl who was engaged to Ricky Hendrick.  She is adorable.  And maybe she does get the rose...but we didn't watch yet, so we don't know.

I dunno, there seems to be some real freaks coming out this season.  And yet, I don't even know why I keep watching. 

As far as the drama with Brad Womack being back on...I really don't care.  It's reality TV.  It's drama either way.

And let's not forget that The Biggest Loser starts tonight too.

Great Expectations

"I just wish I could take sleeping pills and fall into a coma."  Yes, those words danced right off of my lips this morning.  After morning filled with a 3:30 a.m.-4:30 a.m. screaming session and then back to the screaming again at 6:00 a.m.  After over 48 hours with zero medication for my stomach and have been in a state of constant nausea.  And after revealing the more honest side of myself to the world of blogger and since questioning if it was the right move.  And did I mention lately that my coffee just isn't tasting good anymore? 

I'm under a bit of stress.

Of course I don't mean it....I don't want to fall into a coma.  But a break would be nice.  I don't know what Kinley's deal has been.  It started New Years morning at 3:00.  She woke up in this blood curdling scream and wouldn't stop.  Nothing that I can do will ease it.  She kicks, screams, thrashes...and doesn't stop.  New Years morning, it took me three hours to get her to sleep.  I was alone, he was hunting.  I think that the stress of that morning knocked my lifeline back about ten years.  The next day, over an hour of the same screaming...but this time it was midday when I was trying to get her to nap.  Yesterday, it was during the afternoon nap time.  And now today, it was early morning. 

At first, I was convinced that my 12 month old was experiencing her terrible 2's.  Today, I think that there has to be something else going on.  I'm calling the pediatrician.  If it's a tantrum, would she wake up in the middle of the night to throw it?  Seriously?  Maybe yes.  I don't know.

So let me get back to the whole honesty thing.  While I tossed it around in my head a hundred times yesterday, wondering if I had made the right choice to "go public" with my honesty...I still feel that I'm happy that I did.  I got so many messages asking if I/we are okay or if I was leaving Richie or if we are separating.  Let me just say that no, we're not.  Yes, I was speaking about the whole "Reasons To Stay" thing...and let me explain that. 

Let me explain me.

I have a major flaw.  GASP!  I know, I know.  Sorry to disappoint y'all.  :)

When it comes to things in life...and when the going gets tough, you know, the tough gets going.  Well, in my situations in the past, when the tough got going, Joy got moving.  When things got too difficult, I quit.  That was how I "coped" which isn't really a coping method at all, really.  Now, thinking all the way back to my marriage to butt head, I guess you could say that I "quit" that too...but in all honesty, I did it while "under the care" of a therapist and we both agreed that for my safety, it was best to throw in the towel on that.  But from butt head forward, I think that my defense mechanism was to quit and run. 

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time talking to an old friend who knows my past patterns all too well.  And they agreed that I quit too easily.  So, "Reasons To Stay" was going to be a chronicle of all of the stuff that happens that makes the "old Joy" want to just quit and run.  But because I am "new and improved" (if you believe that) I am finding the strength in myself to dig my feet in the sand and tough it out.  Times get tough, that is life.  And instead of running all the time from the hard times, I have to learn to man up and get through it.  That's just life.

We have been in a rough patch here lately.  But it's nothing disastrous.  Nothing that can't be repaired.  Truth be told...the issues lie within expectations.  That is the big deal.  When you are in a relationship with someone, you have expectations.  Whether you admit it or not, you do.  My problem is that I honestly don't even know what my expectations are of my husband.  I mean, I think I know but I'm not sure that I've defined them to myself--let alone, him.  So while I hold him to the expectations that I continuously tell him that he's failing at meeting--he feels that he can't meet them without knowing what they are.  And I can't hold him to the expectations that I don't even understand myself.  Does that make sense?

So my friend and I turned it around and over and upside down and decided that it comes down to this...

I need to do some serious soul searching.  I need to dig.  Deep.  To find what it is that I'm looking for from my husband.  We're in this for the long haul.  We have a child together and we are committed to making this work.  Thick and thin. 

I admit that I have to make the first move here to help us and that is why I called Dr. Laura.  Through her, I think that I will figure out what it is inside me that makes me want to quit and run.  I think I'll figure out what those expectations are and learn how to express myself so that my husband can respond.

But in turn, he has to be receptive to my wanting to change and my wanting to fix things.  He's not perfect either and while I think I know his expectations of me, I ask him to also work with me to help meet where I fail. 

Soul searching.  Have you done that yourself?  What are you own expectations of your partner? 

Let me rephrase this...

So I guess that my earlier post got some people worried.  Yes, I was going to name my hypothetical new blog "Reasons To Stay" but that does not mean that I'm leaving Richie.  We are fine.  Totally.

Sort of a growing pain, but no different than what any other marriage goes through when you are juggling the new roles of parents vs. partners. 

No worries.  We're fine.  I promise, mmmkay?

It's family time in our house right now and I have a baby waiting (im)patiently for me to return to play with her school bus.  So till tomorrow....

Sleep tight.

New Year, No Promises

That's it!  It's all behind us.  We can officially say that the holidays are over.  Now, if only I could get these Christmas decorations down and put away.  That would be dandy.  It'll be my goal for the end of the week.

Last week we had to deal with our first bout of stomach flu as parents and it was torture.  Fortunately though, she felt better by Friday and we were able to head to the in-laws as planned that afternoon.  We bit the bullet and decided to turn her around in her car seat.  We always said that we wouldn't do it until we absolutely HAD to...but after discussing it with our pediatrician and realizing how incredibly difficult a five hour ride would be with me hopping from front to back, back to front--and in the matchbox car--was just a deciding factor.  So she is now forward facing.  I honestly don't think that she cared one way or the other.  Maybe it helped.  She still slept for the first 3 hours and then fussed/cried for the other two.  Five hours is a lot to ask of a baby/toddler in a carseat. Pass judgement about me now, I don't care.

With that being said, I am *so thankful* to say that our traveling days are going to be fewer and more far between.  Not only to save money, but to save us!  It is exhausting to constantly be away from home.  I look forward to weekends where we can sleep/watch tv/do things in our area/GO TO CHURCH!  Just letting us be a family in our home...it's a lot to look forward to.

I've been having this internal debate with myself...wondering how honest someone/I should be while blogging.  You know, do readers want to hear happy sappy stories all the time?  Or maybe, do they want to read real life stuff and read the struggles that I face on a daily basis?  Cause, in all honesty, I could write about happy/sappy stuff till the cows come home (whatever that means).  I have a beautiful daughter that makes me laugh and smile and fall in love over and over and over again.  I find goodness in each day with her.  But then there is the other part of me that I've yet to shine light on in this blog.  Finding the balance of what to say and what not to say is tough. 

For the past couple of weeks, I've contemplated building a new blog and keeping it in an alias form so that I could spill my emotions and struggles free-flowing....and hide behind the alias so that no one would know who I was.  But then as I debated that, I realized that I have no one to hide from.  I'm not feeling in a way that is wrong or that is bad.  I think that what I am going through right now is normal....or as normal as I can claim to be and get away with.

The blog was going to be named "Reasons To Stay" and that just basically sums it up.

My husband hates for me to be so honest on this blog.  He thinks that I "air our laundry" if I speak too much of the truth...but isn't that what the blog is for?  I mean, not to "air our laundry" but for me to be my own sounding board for my feelings?  This blog is my outlet.  My therapy.  I just happen to have found a group of people that find what I have to say worth something to them, whether it be entertainment or whatever. 

My blog, my thoughts, my dirty laundry.  Not his.

So with that said, I guess that this new year is going to bring about a new kind of honesty from my writing.  My first step was that I did extensive searching to find my old therapist from when I was married to "the butthead" and finally found her.  I'm talking, extensive searching.  I only could remember her first name and what office she used to work at.  That was all that I had to go off of.  After a few hours and a few phone calls... there she was.  I've never felt more relieved.  In the new year, I will be going back to see her.  Not because things are going so bad in my life, but because things are so different and I think that I just need some help sorting through things. 

I don't see therapists, or the need for one, as a bad thing.  I think it's a good thing, to be honest.  I mean, it's an hour to be completely self absorbed to talk only about yourself.....and not feel guilty for having done so.  Who can beat that?

The new year didn't "ring in" as I had planned, and I didn't even get a new year's kiss...even though my husband stood only a few feet from me.  I learned then that he thought the new year's kiss was over-rated.  I'm still not over it.  And maybe I'm being a big baby about it...but I'm entitled. 

I didn't make any resolutions....and not because I forgot I guess, but because I hate setting myself up for failure.  So instead of declaring "resolutions," I just decided that I would make changes for myself (including the shrink, being more honest on my blog, and working harder to be a better wife) without the pressure of them being "resolutions."  We'll see if that approach works.

How about you?  Any "resolutions?"