Great Expectations

"I just wish I could take sleeping pills and fall into a coma."  Yes, those words danced right off of my lips this morning.  After morning filled with a 3:30 a.m.-4:30 a.m. screaming session and then back to the screaming again at 6:00 a.m.  After over 48 hours with zero medication for my stomach and have been in a state of constant nausea.  And after revealing the more honest side of myself to the world of blogger and since questioning if it was the right move.  And did I mention lately that my coffee just isn't tasting good anymore? 

I'm under a bit of stress.

Of course I don't mean it....I don't want to fall into a coma.  But a break would be nice.  I don't know what Kinley's deal has been.  It started New Years morning at 3:00.  She woke up in this blood curdling scream and wouldn't stop.  Nothing that I can do will ease it.  She kicks, screams, thrashes...and doesn't stop.  New Years morning, it took me three hours to get her to sleep.  I was alone, he was hunting.  I think that the stress of that morning knocked my lifeline back about ten years.  The next day, over an hour of the same screaming...but this time it was midday when I was trying to get her to nap.  Yesterday, it was during the afternoon nap time.  And now today, it was early morning. 

At first, I was convinced that my 12 month old was experiencing her terrible 2's.  Today, I think that there has to be something else going on.  I'm calling the pediatrician.  If it's a tantrum, would she wake up in the middle of the night to throw it?  Seriously?  Maybe yes.  I don't know.

So let me get back to the whole honesty thing.  While I tossed it around in my head a hundred times yesterday, wondering if I had made the right choice to "go public" with my honesty...I still feel that I'm happy that I did.  I got so many messages asking if I/we are okay or if I was leaving Richie or if we are separating.  Let me just say that no, we're not.  Yes, I was speaking about the whole "Reasons To Stay" thing...and let me explain that. 

Let me explain me.

I have a major flaw.  GASP!  I know, I know.  Sorry to disappoint y'all.  :)

When it comes to things in life...and when the going gets tough, you know, the tough gets going.  Well, in my situations in the past, when the tough got going, Joy got moving.  When things got too difficult, I quit.  That was how I "coped" which isn't really a coping method at all, really.  Now, thinking all the way back to my marriage to butt head, I guess you could say that I "quit" that too...but in all honesty, I did it while "under the care" of a therapist and we both agreed that for my safety, it was best to throw in the towel on that.  But from butt head forward, I think that my defense mechanism was to quit and run. 

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time talking to an old friend who knows my past patterns all too well.  And they agreed that I quit too easily.  So, "Reasons To Stay" was going to be a chronicle of all of the stuff that happens that makes the "old Joy" want to just quit and run.  But because I am "new and improved" (if you believe that) I am finding the strength in myself to dig my feet in the sand and tough it out.  Times get tough, that is life.  And instead of running all the time from the hard times, I have to learn to man up and get through it.  That's just life.

We have been in a rough patch here lately.  But it's nothing disastrous.  Nothing that can't be repaired.  Truth be told...the issues lie within expectations.  That is the big deal.  When you are in a relationship with someone, you have expectations.  Whether you admit it or not, you do.  My problem is that I honestly don't even know what my expectations are of my husband.  I mean, I think I know but I'm not sure that I've defined them to myself--let alone, him.  So while I hold him to the expectations that I continuously tell him that he's failing at meeting--he feels that he can't meet them without knowing what they are.  And I can't hold him to the expectations that I don't even understand myself.  Does that make sense?

So my friend and I turned it around and over and upside down and decided that it comes down to this...

I need to do some serious soul searching.  I need to dig.  Deep.  To find what it is that I'm looking for from my husband.  We're in this for the long haul.  We have a child together and we are committed to making this work.  Thick and thin. 

I admit that I have to make the first move here to help us and that is why I called Dr. Laura.  Through her, I think that I will figure out what it is inside me that makes me want to quit and run.  I think I'll figure out what those expectations are and learn how to express myself so that my husband can respond.

But in turn, he has to be receptive to my wanting to change and my wanting to fix things.  He's not perfect either and while I think I know his expectations of me, I ask him to also work with me to help meet where I fail. 

Soul searching.  Have you done that yourself?  What are you own expectations of your partner?