She grew up...

How did it happen?  Or better question may be, when did it happen? 

On Friday, I was driving home from work and spending my hour commute zoned out in lala land...letting my car go on auto pilot.  I was lost in my memories from December 11, 2009.  The day when I became a mom.  The day that I learned what real worry and real love really meant.  It was the day that will forever be ingrained in my mind as the day I grew up.  The best day of my life...even though the most scary day of my life.

I remember my doctor saying that she'll break my water at noon, and at 11:45 my husband ran down to the hospital cafeteria to grab some food, knowing it would be the last time he would be able to eat for a long while.  He barely made it back up before my water was broken.

I then spent an hour in the whirlpool tub, feeling real contractions and thinking I was going to die.

Another hour went by and I finally got my epidural.

My mom finally made it to the hospital and we all hung out just waiting for the time to push.

Took me only 43 minutes to push her out.

And then she was rushed away to the NICU after laying eyes on her for a few short seconds.  I remember those seconds as a whirlwind of panic, fear, excitement, sadness....I think that was really the only moment in my life where I could honestly say I felt every human emotion rolled into one.

It wasn't until several hours later that I would lay eyes on my sweet baby girl.  The one who had been kicking me and rolling inside me all of those months before.  That sweet girl that I had yearned for, for so long. 
My daughter.

The days following her birth, I honestly have a hard time remembering.  We roomed in at the hospital for the duration of her NICU stay.  I spent my days at her side and pumping my boobs for her nourishment.  It was the closest I could get to her...and the least that I could do.

This time seems like it was just yesterday.

But it was really almost two years ago.  Two years.  Has it really been that long?  Is she really that big?  How did it go so fast?  I feel like I blinked and my baby grew up.  Did I miss it?  Did I enjoy it as much as I should  have?  Did I cherish every moment?

We have been working so hard on the pacifier weaning...  it's sort of been our mission.  We got it down to bed time only in the last couple of weeks.  We were proud of that.

And then this weekend, I realized something. 

She is "big" now.  She gets things that I don't give her credit for.  She comprehends.  She understands.

I can talk to her.  I can explain to her.  I can tell her what is happening.

And so I did.

At bedtime tonight, we did our story time and read four or five books and then she gave grandma and grandpa kisses and love (they are in town this weekend).  She ran in to the kitchen to her paci bowl and I picked her up and showed her that it was empty, aside from a lonely M&M (which we put there earlier).  I told her that the paci had to go bye-bye to another baby.  I explained that she is a big girl now and doesn't need it anymore.  I explained that only baby's need the paci and paci went to live with another baby.  And then I told her that paci left her a treat instead. 

She pondered for a second.

Snatched up the mini M&M (I don't give her the regular sized ones just yet) and put it in her mouth.  I sat her down and she ran to her room.

We said prayers.  She gave us kisses.  She went to sleep.

She grew up.

We need an intervention

Oh boy, I am weak!

I am so weak!

Our pediatrician told us that we need to drop the paci habit by her second birthday.  Her two year well check is December 6th.  I am feeling the pressure!

I said a while ago that it would be gone by the end of August...and here we are facing the end of September.  And she's still using a pacifier.

In our defense, she doesn't use it at all during the day.  Even naps are sans paci.  It's just bed time.  Which really, is pretty okay.  Right?

So I tried doing the Bye, Bye Binky method of poking holes in her paci.  That did nothing.  The crazy thing won't even collapse!  My husband thinks that it's because she still uses a newborn sized pacifier.  I don't know...but we tested it out after we poked about ten holes in it and nothing happened. 

So we took the scissors to it and snipped the tip.

That did it!  She was devastated. 

In all honesty, if we weren't so freakin' soft and over the moon with this girl...we may have won.  But about 45 minutes into it, I caved.  I ran in with a "good" paci and she went right to sleep.  Ugh.

My husband decided that if she wants to graduate college with her paci that it's alright with him. 

In the petting zoo with the goats

The cows were still her favorite...even in a zoo full of other animals.

 

In the family center, she made a post card to display at the zoo.

Chilling out with Barney after school.

Bye-Bye

I was out cold until seven this morning.  That never happens.  I am always up by 6:30.  Ugh.  Throws off my schedule.

Today is my final and presentation for my last class before student teaching.  Thank God!  I made it this far....  I stayed up pretty late preparing a study guide for the final and now I feel that maybe I should have been doing more presentation prep.  Oh well...I am kind of going in with a "wing it" attitude.  Wish me luck...I may need it.  And I need this A to bring my GPA back to the 4.0 that I had before last semester....stupid B.....gave me a 3.89....Grrrr.

Last night we had a session with the marriage counselor.  I don't mention that much anymore.  We pushed our visits to every other week and that has worked so far.  We had a great session last night.  A few weeks back she had us complete these worksheets about "What makes you feel loved" and I'm tellin' you....it is eye opening.  Cause what he thought I wanted him to do to make me feel loved, is not right at all.  And vice versa.  It is a great exercise.  So we're going through those line by line and exploring each other's thoughts and feelings on things.  I am loving all of this learning that we're doing together.  It's like getting to know each other all over again.  We did spark a hot spot on one item about working as a team in our marriage and that has always been a hot spot.  But we were able to blow up, get mad, argue BUT we had a mediator there.  She let us have our spat, our differing of opinions, and then she broke it down.  Okay, what did you hear her say?  What I heard her say was this....  and the other way around.  So it was really a good session.  I love having that communication mediator!  Wish there was an app for that!

Kinley had such a great day yesterday.  She was so good and wasn't fussy and I just really enjoyed her...  I'll admit, the last few weeks have been so tough.  But yesterday, it was a full day of blessings and I enjoyed every minute.

I am feeling so much pressure (put on by myself--me, personally) about potty training and pacifier weaning.  I swear that sometimes Facebook can be toxic.  It sometimes makes me panic as a mommy that I'm not doing right or good enough for my daughter.  I am seeing my friends potty training their babies (same age as Kin) and I just feel like I'm not doing right by her because I'm not doing the same thing.  And then the paci weaning.  I have been reading about it on several of my friend's blogs and again, I'm panicking that I'm not doing it as well.

I know that each child develops at different rates.  I know that you never should compare children.  I know that I am doing right by Kinley.  I know that it will be okay in the big scheme of things.  I know that she is a happy, healthy toddler and that potty training today or a year from now is not a big deal.  And pacifier weaning today or four months from now is not a big deal.

But I stress as a mom--because I'm comparing mom to mom and not toddler to toddler.  I never once compare Kinley to any other toddler.  Because, well....I think that she's the top dog.  Why compare, right?!  (I'm not vain--I'm just a mom.)  But I stress that I'm not doing right by her.

Do I feel that she's 100% ready for potty training?  No.  Am I okay with this?  Yes.

Do I feel that she's 100% ready for pacifier weaning?  Yes.  Am I okay with this?  No.

As for potty training, I don't mind the diapers.  I don't think that she's "there yet" with the whole thought process of having to go potty.  I know that she'd rather pee on my carpet than stop playing farm to go and sit on her potty.  She's just not ready.  I'm so okay with that.  I'm not ready for her to grow up yet.  I'm not ready to put that part of her rearing to rest.  I'm not ready to be done with the "baby" Kinley yet.  And maybe when she's two, we'll revisit.  Or, if she tells me that she is ready 100% before then, I'm all on board.

We have a potty chair in the bathroom and when I go potty, I tell her it's time to make the pee-pee come out (I know, TMI), so we both run to the bathroom and I sit on the big potty and she sits on the little potty (fully clothed) and we I pee. Then she hands me the toilet paper and she says "bye bye pee pee."  She's got the concept.  But when you put her on the potty or her chair naked, she wants nothing to do with it.  She'll sit for maybe 5 seconds and then is out of there! 
As for the pacifier, she's ready.  I know that it will be a smooth transition.  I mean, her track record for transitioning has been flawless.  We made a big move when she as 8 months old...she handled the new home/room like a champ.  We moved again a few months later....again, like a champ.  We weaned her from breastfeeding at 15 months....she took it like a champ (I, however, am still in mourning.)  Starting day care after being home with mommy for 13 months....no problems at all.  I just don't see her having an issue with letting go of the paci.  It's all us.  We call it our "ammunition."  We know that when all else fails us, the paci can fix all that is wrong in her world.  And, well, in public, that is key.

The past week, we have stuck to a rule.  Bed time/Nap time only.  I put all of her (6) pacifiers in a cup in the kitchen.  When she's ready for her nap or for bed time, she goes to the cup and takes a pacifier and then runs to her room and goes to her crib.  For nap, I kiss her little face (a hundred times) and put her to bed with her  Pooh and blankie.  At bed time, daddy and I come in and say her prayers, kiss her (a million times) and put her and Pooh to sleep with blankie.  And sometimes, Pooh gets a paci too.  I know, we are weak.


The anticipation of getting that paci is just so exciting!
Daddy "mixes them all up" so that she picks the right one!

She carefully selects the perfect paci for her bed time
companion.

Tonight, Pooh got his own paci.

So for now, what we're doing is working.  I even went so far to not even take a paci out of the house when we go places.  Yes, I went to the zoo yesterday with no paci.  I know!  I am so brave. Such a big girl.  And you know what, she didn't ask for it.  We are strict with the nap/bed time only.  The next step will be the holes in the paci.  If she even needs that step.  She may just go cold turkey.  We'll just see how things go...

I'm happy with where we are in our weaning process.  I still plan to to do the Bye-Bye Binky "program" but I have to be sure that we are ready to be rid of the paci.  It's not just about her--we are in this too.

My goal is to be off of it completely by the end of August.  I don't think there will be a problem hitting that goal.  If we don't make it---oh well.  If we do make it---yea, us!  Her pediatrician said to not fret it till after her second birthday.

So that's my plan....not to fret.

But you know me, I like to fret.  And I'm so good at it!