Thursday, July 5, 2012

Who's the Judge?

Lucy is seriously barking in her sleep right now.  She's passed out in our bed behind me, and whatever dream she is having sure has her worked up!

We didn't get home from the fireworks until about 11:30.  We went over to a friend's house to watch them from her neighborhood.  It was a welcome change from the crazy crowds and traffic that we dealt with last year.  Kinley wasn't afraid, as I thought she may be, but she wasn't overly enthusiastic either.  She watched them for about five minutes and then was over it.  I guess I'm the same way.  Attention span of a gnat.

So getting home so late made me expect her to sleep in a little today, right?  Ha!  She was up at 6:15 crying for daddy.  He had already left for work so I said a prayer that I could pull out all the tricks in my bag and get her back to sleep to save my sanity and her uber crabbiness for the day.  Knock on wood, she's back to sleep.  Only took me singing and patting her butt, too.  I have heard her talking in her sleep a little, so I'm not expecting it to last much longer.  Lord help me if we have to go on only 5 hours of sleep for her today.  She will be cranky!

As it is everywhere it seems, or so my Facebook feed seems, we are expecting another 100+ degree day.  I really hate that Richie has to work in these conditions.  He sure is a good man!  Busts his butt every single day to provide for us.  On these really hot days, Kage and I deliver cold Gatorade to him and his crew.  It's the very least that we can do to show our appreciation for them.

At Kinley's dance class on Tuesday, I learned of yet another pregnant mom.  This blow didn't hurt as bad as the first.  I guess the first one was the worst and lessened it for all future sucker punches in this process.  I'm trying so hard to focus on the blessing that we already have sleeping in the room next to us.  There are no promises that these medications are going to work.  I have to remind myself that one child is just as wonderful as two!  I have been taking my meds at night at so far, that is working perfectly to ward off the unwanted side effects.  Only one more night on this pill and then we have to wait for my day 3 blood draw.

Speaking of focusing on our blessings abundance, why do I feel the need to be ashamed of our living situation?  On Tuesday, a dance mom (whom I've "known" for two semesters) asked me where we lived.  Very casually, in conversation.  I mentioned that we lived in the same city as the dance class.  She was asking if we are east or west side and honestly, I've never even wondered that myself.  Luckily, my friend (another dance mom) was there and I was able to confirm that we are west side.  I wasn't sure where the "cut-off" was....and I'm still not sure what is the "preferred" side of town--it all seems great to me!

It was almost immediate that my guard flew up and I wanted to shut down.  Inside, I was screaming, "Don't ask me where we live!  Please don't make me explain!"  How sad is that?!  Why should I be ashamed?  Am I ashamed?  Honestly, we aren't living in the dumps.  We could be much worse off, much worse.  But I was not about to tell her, "oh, you know those apartments, yeah, that's us" and I don't know what is wrong with saying that.  I mean, they are pretty nice apartments!  And the rent is probably as much as most mortgages--not that that should matter, at all.  So it's not something to really be ashamed of.  But I am.  I am, because the "dance moms" all seem to be so much better off than we are....and I know that no one can make you feel inferior or less than without your permission.  But you know me, I give that permission all day long.

She is not snobby at all, and even openly tells us that they aren't well-to-do by any means (while telling us a story about her sibling--she didn't just put that out there--that would be weird).  So why am I so afraid to be real?  Most of the moms, or a lot of them, are school teachers.  But employed teachers--a lot like me but different, right?!

Why can't I just be okay with us and our situation?  Why do I feel that I have to hide our truths?  I know that I am okay with where we are---aren't I?  I love that we pay a rent that we can afford.  We don't have to worry about lawn care or maintenance.  Our utilities are dirt cheap (we're talking less than $100 for everything).  We live in a town with amazing options for things to do, amazing parks, a wonderful downtown, and we don't pay the crazy taxes that the home owners do.  We are saving money at a rate that we never could in a home.  I don't know what my job future holds for me.  I don't want to buy a house and have to take a job with an hour commute.  I want to get the job, then buy the house.  And, I want to save for a decent down payment too.  But that's another issue.

I guess I danced around the whole "where do you live?" question because I felt that it was easier to avoid it than to list all of the reasons that I just shared.  I didn't want to be judged.  It's really too bad too, because I'm sure I got all "deer in the headlights" on her when she was questioning.  She even went so far to ask if it was near certain streets that she takes for short cuts through town (she doesn't live in this town and agrees that it's too snobby for her taste).  I probably looked like the freak that is afraid to talk about where I live.  I want to be friends with this mom, and have play dates with her daughter, but how can I do that if I'm not able to open up?  Maybe if I do it once, it won't be so hard the next time?  Maybe I need to admit to myself that what we're doing is okay.  It's smart.  It's good for us and I need to be okay with doing what is good for us.

1 comment:

Gina said...

Hi Joy, this is the first time that I have visited your blog and I love it (plus I'm jealous bc now I want a blog of my own, lol). I just wanted to say that I completely relate to your reluctance to tell people where you live. I am also in an apartment with my husband and two children, only they are 8 & 10, so I really feel guilty about our living arrangement at times. Like you though, I want to be secure in a career before we purchase (waitressing, which is what I do now, is so up & down). I would never have guessed that you live in an apartment. Knowing you from class, I always got the impression that you were well off. I'm sure that I would've beat around the bush if you had ever asked me where I lived. This just goes to show the assumptions that we are constantly making about people are merely that...assumptions. You know what people say about making assumptions. Why do we do this I ask. Why do we always assume that others are doing so much better than us? Why do we always beat up ourselves over our perfectly fine lives? I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be appreciative that I can pay my bills and that we're not living beyond our means (which I mostly am). I wonder how many people we hide from who actually live similar lives (or those who've had it worse - foreclosed homes, etc.) After reading your blog, I think that I am going to stop this insanity (lol, but serious)). I have nothing to be ashamed of, so why hide?!
- Gina

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