The Magic...

Despite how un-Christmas-y I am feeling, it's upon us.  I can't run nor hide, because it's coming.  I hate not feeling the Christmas spirit...I really do.  I used to be the one bouncing off the walls with the holiday cheer and filling my home with wonderful Christmas sights and scents.  I had a wonderful collection of Christmas decorations that filled me with tremendous "joy" to set up each year.

I gave them away.  Or most of them.

I didn't even really want a tree this year.

But we decided that for Kinley's sake, we'd buy a small one.

I know that it has a lot to do with being so cramped in an apartment.  I really need to get out of this place.  It's sucking the life right outta me.

So we have a tree, a small tree.  And luckily, Kinley hasn't tried to touch it more than once.  Luckily.

I have heard so many on facebook saying how un-Christmas-y they are feeling as well and it just makes me wonder....why?

Is it because it's become the norm to just observe it like any other day?  Is it because Christmas has become so materialistic and commercial?  Is it because of the recession?  Is it because families just don't come together anymore?

I remember a Christmas time when you had to do all shopping before noon on Christmas Eve, because if you didn't, you wouldn't find a store open.  I remember a Christmas when I had a special dress that was for that special day.  I remember a Christmas when I saw both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends...in the same day.  I remember the excitement of seeing Santa on the "radar" on the news on Christmas Eve.  I remember feeling so anxious that he was almost to Illinois.  I remember the pure happiness I felt as I went to sleep on Christmas Eve, just knowing that he would bring me exactly what I had wished for. 

I had hope.  I had magic.  I believed.

Today's world doesn't allow for much hope, magic or belief.  How sad is that?

I know that I am trying my hardest to do what I can to allow Kinley to foster that hope, magic and definitely belief for as long as I can.  It's part of the innocence of childhood.  I wish I could still believe.

My husband and I always said that we didn't want her to be one of the kids that received so many gifts that she forgot to be thankful for each one.  We don't want her to get lost in the piles of gifts and forget what Christmas is truly about.  I too often hear about how many things so and so purchased for their child for Christmas.  They are going to be so excited and so happy on Christmas morning!  Woo-hoo.  But does your child know why we celebrate?  Does your child know that there are children out there suffering and receiving nothing under their tree?  Does your child know the beauty of giving; as well as receiving?  I ask myself those very questions this year.

As we sat down during her nap time today with the ten presents between us, we were trying to decide what was from us and what would be from Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Santa is giving her four gifts and we'll give her six.  Ten presents for one child is too many.  I'm almost ashamed.  Granted, some of the gifts are small and simple...but how blessed are we?  We agreed that we would raise her to know that Santa can only bring a few gifts for each child.  Because his sleigh is only so big, you know.  The other gifts that we want her to receive will be from us.  I hope that this works...

This year, she is only two, and the small details that I am worrying over mean nothing to her.  Like the gift tag from Santa and Mrs. Claus having to be so different from ours.  The wrapping from the North Pole has to be different from ours.  The way that the gift tag is attached to the package, needs to different.  Will she notice?  No.  But will she next year?  Yes.  I want her to believe.  I want her to feel the magic.  I want her to have the innocence and excitement that each child deserves.  I use this year as my practice for the next eight when she will notice--and possibly hunt for the differences.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I think that we'll practice the gift of giving with her by taking her to the Lazarus House to donate goods on their wish list.  And then she will take some of her piggy bank money to a Salvation Army kettle.  I want these things to warm her heart as they do mine. 

So many wishes and dreams for this little girl.  I hope that reliving it all with her will restore some of mine.