Thursday, July 14, 2011

Doc, I'm crazy...

I walked in to Dr. Laura's office this morning, threw myself on the big arm chair and declared my self diagnosis. 

"I think I'm bi-polar." 

"Good to see you too, Joy!"  she said, laughing.

That office has become quite the comfort place for me.  I've sat in that chair numerous times over numerous years.

But this was the first time that I uttered words of anything close to a diagnosis.

I have my reasons.

I mean, a week ago, I was ready to leave my husband (or push him out of our home) and give up on our marriage completely.  I was ready to start over a new life on my own and just throw away everything that we had.  I was filled with negativity and was wallowing in it.  I had a secret blog that I filled with post after post of hatred and negative thoughts.  And then I would read and reread them to remind myself of why I was so mad.  I lived in anger--a very red world.

A week ago.

And then, I wake up one morning (it was last Friday) with a renewed sense of "I can do this."  The anger, the hurt, the was all cleansed and I felt that I had a new start.  A new outlook.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't angry.  I wasn't pissed off.  I just was.  I got up, and felt refreshed. 

So, you can see where my self-diagnosis comes in to play.  You don't just wake up and feel all better.  Especially not when things are *that bad*.  You just don't.  Do you?

Can you just come out of it that easy?  Can you get a second (or third or fourth) chance at making it work? 

I guess you can.  Or so she says.

Dr. Laura asked me to tell her why I thought I was bi-polar and said that she would tell me why she thought I wasn't. 

She had the better argument.  Imagine that.

So I'm not bi-polar.  Turns out, I'm human.

I guess I was "acting out" because of my frustration and anger.  I think I felt some resentment for things that aren't really his fault.  Reading the book opened my eyes more than anything I've ever read.  Reading the book gave me a whole new prospective on this whole marriage thing....

And this renewed self and renewed outlook is all cotton candy and clouds right now but eventually, life will return to it's "normal" state and we will face more mountains to climb.  And that's where our marriage counselor is ready to begin.  (You can only imagine her surprise when we walked in Wednesday night, all smiles.)

We're on stage one of repair:  learning to communicate.

And Dr. Laura is helping me learn to handle my emotions in a more non-angry way. 

It's a long road ahead.  But being in a more optimistic frame of mind, makes it a much more pleasurable ride.

I'm taking myself back to a place where I feel a calm.  A place where I don't feel frustrated or threatened.  A place where I feel accepted as I am.  A place where our marriage is protected and honored.  A place where my family feels safe.

And I thank God that I have a guy that loves me enough to stand by my side through all of these rough times.  Cause really, he had every right to bail.  But he loves me.  Unconditionally and with his whole heart.  He loves me.  With every ounce of his being.  How lucky am I?!


Bethany said...

I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for not giving up and trying as hard as you are!!!!! You two are amazing and I think you can make a great run of it if you guys just remember what you have!!

Heather said...

This post makes me so happy!! =) Just thought I'd let you know that

Amanda said...

Joy, you are amazing. I know the courage and confidence it takes to post such personal things and I truly respect you for being able to write about all that your going through. I am so glad you are working on your marriage and yourself and I wish you all the best!

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