I normally wouldn't think of myself as an "emotional" person. Not on a normal day anyway. Today, I've been in tears twice.
Seeing my little girl all grown up and being so independent just makes me so emotional. I look back on the pictures that I have filed by month on my computer. She's changed and grown so much in just 17 months. It's not fair.
I look at myself 17 months ago and there isn't much change, but babies change so fast. So, so, so fast. It's just impossible to capture it all.
I'm emotional because I feel like I missed out.
How did I miss out? I stayed home with her full time for her first 13 months of life. How can I say that I missed out?
I'm feeling such guilt. Did I spend enough quality time with her? Am I being a good enough mom? Do I give her all that she deserves and more?
I feel like I rushed those first months. I was so excited and anxious to see her sit up, then sit in a shopping cart by herself, then crawl and walk....I was so excited for each milestone that I feel like I just wished away all of those months where she was just my baby. She was MY baby.
I miss nursing her. I wish I didn't wean her because of school. I wish I had let her self wean. I mean, she was ready and I know this because the weaning was so simple. But I miss it. I miss our time together. Fifteen months was so short.
I know that she'll always be my baby. Even when she's 30, but this Mother's Day is kind of sad for me. I'm missing the tiny baby that she was just a short year ago. Of course I'm loving the beautiful toddler that she is today. But she's napping right now and the husband has taken my car for a deep cleaning (inside and out!). So I'm all alone, looking through old pictures, and crying.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss the tiny baby that she used to be.
And Happy Mother's Day to you.