Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Christmas ghost

I have dinner started and it's smelling so divine in here.  I just hope it tastes as good as it smells....or that I'm not burned out on the smell by the time that dinner gets here and not want to eat it.

Kinley took an early nap and it's an hour into it...I'm brave to start a blog at such an unsure time.  It could go either way--she'll either be getting up very soon, or sleep for another hour.  She's looking pretty cozy in I'm thinking it'll be the latter.

I turned on the Christmas music channel on the tv while I was nursing Kinley and then never did change it.  So in the background I hear "I'm getting nothin' for Christmas....." and I realize that it's got to be one of my least favorite of them all.  In general, Christmas music makes me nostalgic-to say the least.  It makes me warm and fuzzy but also makes me remember some times that I'd love to forget.

If there was a machine (here I go inventing "machines") that could zap memories, I would invest in it.  Or I'd at least pay a nice fee for someone to zap me with their machine.  For some reason, Christmas music takes me back to around 2002-2004--the happier times that I was with my ex-husband.  We had just built our home, his career was soaring, I had a great seemed perfect.  I remember how excited I was at Christmas time.  Decorating every room of our home....even the bathrooms.  I had Christmas shower curtains, Christmas soap dispensers.  It was overboard, but I *loved* every second of it. 

Christmas music played through the house and Christmas scented candles burned so that the whole house just oozed with Christmas. 

I felt so on top of the world then. 

In 2005 it came crashing down.  Fast.  Hard. 

I've not been able to capture that holiday spirit quite the same since.  It's almost like I let that part of me die with the marriage.  Because of that, I hate despise him.  I loved the town that we lived in.  It was my home.  It became the place where my heart grew roots.  Driving through there last weekend, I felt reminded of those roots again and its hard to fight the tears back.  Driving by my old church.  Driving by the grocery store that I frequented.  The restaurants that I went to.  All of those places were me.  I gave them away and I really don't think I should have. 

Let me make one thing clear, I don't miss him.  I don't want back what we had.  It took several years and lots of praying to say that and mean it. 

I want back that part of me that was shattered by him.  I don't know that it's ever going to come back.  Sometimes I wonder if it's a hole that is yet to be filled by something new.  Whatever that is, I'm not sure yet.  I think that Kinley has a lot to do with it.  Maybe my traditions with her and Richie are what will grow in the place of what was.

Zapping the memories that make me want to cry and scream and feel that ache in my heart seems like such a quick fix.  But let's be realistic...there is no machine.  Duh.  I guess that over time, those aches will soften and eventually go away.  I'm sure that it's because I'm holding on to them....for whatever reason.  Maybe this year will be the last year that I'll feel that haunting when Christmas rolls around.  A girl can dream.

And you don't know how many times I "highlighted" to delete this post.  I feel so vulnerable when I speak about my past.  Ugh.  I hate that.  Maybe I need to learn to stop going there.

1 comment:

Heather said...

In order to heal and move on we need to be vulnerable. Talking about the past makes you remember the things you have and you learn about the things you did bad. your a good mom and a good person. You will get that person back in a different form. The form that fits for your family now.

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