Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Here, There and Everywhere

Richie now has Kinley's cold.  I hate seeing him sick about as much as I hate seeing Kinley sick.  I am anticipating being next.

Writing my blogs in the morning has become so difficult.  Now that Kinley is getting me up in the morning, I have a little one to deal with while trying to get my thoughts out in some sort of order.  Well now she's refusing to play in the living room while I sit at the dining room table at the lap top.  Even though it's all one big room, she insists on being right here with me.  Which I'm okay with.  I just hate that she chooses to be under the table bonking her head on every chair and table edge.  Makes writing so much more difficult than it needs to be.

This morning while she was nursing I just stared at her....thinking that in just a month I'll be facing such a huge decision.  Do I wean her or let her self-wean?  I'm not sure if nursing beyond 12 months is for nutrition or comfort.  I'm thinking comfort.  Part of me wants to allow her morning and bedtime nursing till 15 months.  Part of me realizes that 12 months is a good place to stop.  I will be back in school in January and daytime nursing will have to stop anyway.  It's such a hard decision.  My mom said that I nursed till almost 18 months (!).  Geez.  I know hope I won't go that long.  It's such a beautiful experience though.  Those that have nursed know what I mean.  There is nothing more pure, nothing more beautiful.  It's the best experience I've had in my life.  Seeing that chapter close is just sad.  I will miss our moments together.  I am hoping that come December, I'll have this awakening moment and the decision will become clear to me.  Maybe she'll miraculously just stop asking to nurse!  haha  right.  The child is a milk monster.  She nurses 5 times a day!

Yesterday, I had the awakening, if you will.  It's no secret that I'm pretty down on myself about weight gain.  My friend, Summer, put it in a way that I like to hear it.  Maybe now that I'm back to normal from my gall bladder removal (January 2010) my weight has come back. I was 149 when I got pregnant.  Jumped to 170 by delivery and then down to 125-130 post delivery.  I was suffering greatly from gall stones (little did I know) and didn't eat for about a month.  I thought it was anxiety and post partum causing the extreme back pain and nausea.  It wasn't.  Come to find out, gall bladder surgery is very common post-delivery.  So then after the removal, I was just as sick.  Everything I ate caused immediate diarrhea (hope you aren't reading this over breakfast).  That lasted for about 6-7 months.  Hence, the weight keeping off.  Now that I'm not having "that issue" weight is back to 140.  Makes sense, right?  Thanks for my excuse, Summer!  I'm sure it has nothing to do with my chocolate addiction.  That was another one of those things that I inherited post-baby.  I never craved chocolate before I got pregnant.  Didn't crave it during my pregnancy either, good thing too, cause I was diabetic.  But post delivery, I want chocolate non-stop.  Along with my new hips and curlier hair, I gained a chocolate addiction.

But on the topic of weight and not liking my self image, I came to a realization yesterday.  The image in my mind that I want to be, is never going to happen.  Ever.  I had it in my early 20s and it's never coming back.  Too bad, so sad.  I'm older and a mom now.  Unless I become a celebrity and earn the millions for the plastics, this is what I've got.  And it's not all bad.  I just have to learn to work with it.  You know?  Instead of wanting a body all toned and 6 packed, why not just be happy with a body that looks good in real clothes?  It's highly unlikely that I'll be sporting a half shirt and super low rise jeans any time soon.  I dress like a "real" woman and as long as I can look good in "real" clothes, I should be happy.  I have to learn to dress for my body.  Right?  Remind of this. often.

Last night I did it again, I figured out a dinner using what we had instead of shopping for what we don't need.  I did run into Aldi for milk and bread.  Those are staples though.  We have an Aldi about 2 minutes from our house, literally.  And those cashiers are quick!  Wow.  You can be in and out in like 3 minutes.  If you don't mess with the carts, that is.  And for just milk and bread, Kinley made it with out.  So for like $3, I got a gallon of milk and bread.  Score!  So yesterday I made the whole day on spending only $3.  Her new Adidas came in the mail yesterday, so it was kind of like shopping but I didn't spend anything.  Thank you, Nonie.  They are so super cute, too.

And in Kinley's adventures under the table while mommy blogs, she managed to break the power cord to the laptop.  It's not really broken, but cracked.  The adapter where it plugs in to the lap top, is cracked.  So you have to have it in just right for it to charge.  Needless to say, the laptop will randomly just shut off because it's dead. No notice, nothing.  I'm so irritated.  I know that the stupid cord will probably cost as much as the laptop to replace.  Isn't that always the way it happens? 

Last thing:  last night's TV--  Elizabeth on Biggest Loser NEEDS TO GO HOME!  I was so mad at her during the challenge last night.  She always fails because she can't breathe.  If she can't do the work, get off the ranch and quit ruining it for everyone else.  The asthma excuse isn't flying in this house and we want you to go home.  There, I said it.

And on DWTS, I was bummed to see Rick Fox go home.  That's his name, right?  I just call him the tall guy.  I didn't want anyone to go really.  I think that Bristol will be next though.

Survivor is tonight!  Woo-hoo!

Oh, and while you're here, VOTE FOR KINLEY!


Crystal said...

I know just what you mean about the addiction to chocolate. I honestly believe I do have that addiction and it happened for me too after having Aubrey. I've always loved sweets but its really bad now. I HAVE to have them.

terri said...

jonathan is 13 months and still nurses constantly. I thought I would be done at a yr, but we arent. i also thought that I would at least have him down to just naps and bedtime, but we're still doing daytime too. one day I will stop, its just so sad to stop. plus he nurses all night long still.

good luck with your decision, its a tough one.

Raegan is my world said...

Okay a few comments. I am with you on the nursing. I really want to wean her but I will miss our time together. You look great your not fat. I love chocolate too. And YES...Elizabeth should be going home :)

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