Let it go

I'm so proud of me.  Day two of getting out of the house.  I know, I know....big accomplishment, eh?  But it's haaaarrrrd!  When you have a ten month old in tow....it's not an easy task.  I'm sure I make it ten times harder than it has to be, but I do that with everything in life. So yeah, Kinley and I went to go and get my stupid tire fixed (it has a slow leak) and go to Ulta (ahhhhhh, the angels sing).  The tire place was booked and could only air me up for today, so we have an appointment to get it fixed tomorrow night.  Kinley fell asleep between the tire place and Ulta.  Of course.

I always feel like such a bad mom when she falls asleep in the car.  Why?  Psycho mom.  That's why.  So while running over to Ulta (ahhhhhhhh, the angels sing) I saw that there was an Old Navy just a few doors down and luckily I had my return in the car with me.  I was able to return the two shirts that Kinley didn't wear for her 9 month pictures.  Go me!  I am so proud of myself when I actually make the returns that I intend to return.  Normally, they sit in the bag for a good year or so and then just go with the Goodwill stuff.  I still have one more return to do at H&M but those stores are always on the opposite ends of the Earth from where I'm at when Kinley is return tolerable. 

So yesterday, I was in my b!tch mood.  I had such a good start to my day and then it all just fell apart by the simple facts that Kinley refused naps and my housework didn't get done.  That's about all it takes for my day to crumble.  Pretty pathetic, huh.  Grow thicker skin, Joy.  Geez.

Richie came home yesterday, knowing of the mood that I was in, and being the completely amazing guy that he's become, tells me that I should just try to relax and he'll cook.  That always makes me feel like such an ass.  He means well and is serious when he says that he'll do it, but I just know and feel that it's my "job" to take care of it....know what I mean?  But he comes home and tells me that he got me a surprise.  I was a crab and didn't even get excited.  He told me that he got us front row tickets to see The Lion King on broadway in Chicago.  The one thing that I've been begging for since we started dating.  He got me FRONT ROW.  I'm such a b!tch.  I should have been doing cartwheels or flips or something.  But no.  I sat on the floor and just said "thanks."  Worst wife ever. 

So now I have tickets to go see The Lion King.  Which in turn makes me have to plan a babysitter.  Immediately I call my mom (three hours away) and ask if she can come up to watch Kinley.  She gladly agreed and the plan was set.  She'd take the train up on Friday and stay through Sunday.  Done. 

Why do I have the need to feel all panicked and freaked out?  The show is not for another month and I'm already a nervous wreck about leaving Kinley.  It's with MY MOM, for crying out loud.  Psycho mom strikes again!  (I think of myself as a Superman type character, with my pink cape blowing in the wind....)  I can't help it but to feel this panic mess when I think of not being with my baby.  She'll be 11 months old when the show comes around...she's going to be fine.  My mom and step-dad love her more than words can describe and would never put her in harms way.  I KNOW THIS.  What is the deal? 

Over the weekend at the family reunion, I guess I was too hawk like with Kinley.  On the way home, I got my lecture about letting go.  Richie has the ability to walk away and not hyper-ventilate when he's not in arm's length of Kinley.  I've not learned that trick yet.  Is it because I stay home with her?  Is it her NICU stay?  Am I just a tried and true psycho mom?  Why am I like this?  Regardless of where we are or who we're with....I am near Kinley.  It's not that I don't trust people....it's just that I trust myself with her more.  Hmmm, that doesn't make sense.... 

I hope that it lessens up.  Especially with talk of another baby....I will be so completely exhausted, even more than I am now.  Vacations alone with my husband sound soooo enticing but I would pass because I would never leave Kinley.  And if I have another baby....would that set me back even further on my self-weaning?  I mean....Kinley is almost a year old.  (insert a tear here)  I would like to think that I'm slightly better about leaving her now than I was a year ago?  No?  So if I have another baby....am I going to be as psycho with that one?  If so...then Richie and I will not have a vacation alone for several more years.  hmmmmm, maybe life with one child is the ticket?!

My step-dad is burning our camcorder (is that what they're called these days?) tapes onto DVD for us and he just finished Kinley's first month.  Richie and I sat to watch it and I had forgotten that we video'd her in the NICU.  OMG.  Those days seemed to c.r.a.w.l. by...and the "attacks" that I was having and blaming on anxiety were so horrible.  I can see it on my face in the videos.  It looks like I'm a miserable existence...and it's because I was.  If only I had known about the gall bladder going whack after having a baby....maybe I would have gotten myself checked out instead of sitting in agony for over a month.  I feel like I was robbed for so many moments with my newly born baby. 

Coulda woulda shoulda, right?

Maybe I can blame my psycho-momminess (that's a word, right?) on that....the gall bladder going whack.  You think?  Are all first-time moms like me?  Richie claims that I am the exception.  :)  I kind of like being the exception.