Saturday, April 13, 2013

It's What You Make of It

So, it's either have a script called in for some Zoloft....or blog.  Blogging is cheaper.  And safer.  And well, easier.

I haven't blogged this entire school year.  Well, I popped in here and there, but really, it's been since the summer that I really sat down to blog.  I have to figure this whole thing out, again.  It's hard to make sense of this spilling your thoughts onto a keyboard thing.  Something that once came so easy to me, now isn't so much.  Remembering that your thoughts are loose and allowed to come out without a filter is something that I've learned to curb over the last 8 months.

My spring break is over.  I had intentions a mile long for this break.  And none of it happened.  I'm feeling a bit down about that.  In my head, spring break was going to be amazing.  Spring break was going to be huge for me.  Big changes, getting ahead, figuring things out, feeling on top of my game.  None of it.

I've been on a weight loss kick.  Cause, you know, I love failure.  I started with a program through Kinley's pediatrician.  Yes, I said her pediatrician.  I know....makes no sense.  Her doctor is a homeopathic practioner and she sees everyone.  But technically, she's a pediatrician.  She is on a weightloss venture herself, so she decided to open up her journey and hire a nutrition coach to help us along.  So why not?! It's a regimen of shakes, some nutritional supplements and diet.  Supposed to be exercise too, but yeah, I've not gotten that far.

I see the nutritionist every couple of weeks, for menu help and accountability.  But let's face's slow going.  I am so discouraged.  I am totally the kind of girl that needs instant gratification, if I'm going to stick to something.  I'm down 7 pounds.  Yes, that's it.  My husband has been doing the diet and shakes with me (no supplements or nutritionist meetings) and he's down like, 12.  It's so not fair.  He can eat Mc Donald's twice a day and still lose.  True, he's got a super active job, and I teach....but still.  It's so not fair. 

So over spring break, I had these huge ideas.  Initially, I wanted to travel solo.  I need a break:  from life.  From the everyday.  I wanted to head to the Myrtle Beach area.  Why?  Well, because who doesn't want to retreat to a Nicholas Sparks based novel.  Right?  Yeah, I am that shallow.  But on this solo trip, I envisioned this amazing 14 hour drive, alone, blaring listening to my music (not Three Little Ducks or The Cat Came Back), stopping when I want to stop and seeing what I want to see.  Upon arrival to my Nichaolas Sparks novel setting, I envisioned staying in a little room near a beach.  I would do nothing but sight see, run, read, rest, run, rest, eat yummy food and read some more.  I envisioned this being my agenda for about three days before driving home feeling refreshed and renewed in life.

When I see her smile like this, all is perfect in my world.  :)

In her world, blue ice cream with sprinkles and "nim nims" make everything perfect.

Instead, I did three days in the Dells with the fam.  Was it nice?  Sure.  Did I make amazing memories with the family?  Sure.  Do I feel that renewed sense of self that I so desperately needed?  Not at all.  So yeah....I wrap up this spring break feeling the slightest resentment (at myself) I knew I would.  I need to be my own advocate.

My break wasn't all bad...I did get highlights in my hair.  I got my eye doctor appointment done, and ordered new glasses (my current pair is about 4, maybe 5 years old).  I balanced our check book and cleaned the house.  But aside from that, my feet have yet to hit the pavement (thank you, Mother Nature, for the rainy and cold weather), I haven't picked up a book and the only "rest" I have had is at midnight when I sit up thinking about the things that I wanted to get away from.  Yes, pity party for one, please.

The whole running thing stems from the fact that I volunteered to co-coach the 5th grade running club.  Yeah, the girl that can barely walk the block without becoming winded.  Running Club.  Hold me!  This is going to be rough.  So my goal was to build my stamina over spring break.  Didn't happen.

I think that most moms feel that strong desire to just get away.  Or, I hope they do.  I sure would feel like a mommy fail if I am the only one that just wants a break. 

My plan didn't work out.  So I'm working to make the best of it. 

Kinley and I had some great bonding time and we really had fun together.  She had a play date yesterday with a co-worker's little girl.  She had so much fun.  Last night, we went to her swimming class and today her ballet lesson.  Being a mom sometimes is more than you ever dreamed that you bargained for, but it's a life that I can't imagine doing anything else.

School is over in just about 7 weeks.  I then have my summer break to get back on top of things, feel renewed, become the mommy that my little girl deserves and get the ball back in my court.  We have a renewed zoo membership to use and I am hoping to spend a lot of time outside with my baby girl.  My feet will hit the pavement and I will become a runner.  Somehow, someway.  :)

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