Pity Party, table for one. With a booster.

Every time I start looking at Pinterest....I get lost.  And then an hour goes by and I'm like, whaaaaa?  Really?  That "just one minute of browsing" took over half of my nap time break?  Shoot.

So much for that lesson planning that I had to do.

I just bid my husband farewell. 

For his hunting trip.

Begrudgingly.  That is a word, right?
I just pulled up webster.com and he agrees that it is, in fact, a word.  And the definition fits perfectly.

I'm not mad that he left.  As a matter of fact, I'm more than thrilled that he's gone.  It's been a rough couple of days around here.  Mostly, probably, because of the aforementioned word:  begrudgingly.  I looked upon his decision with disapproval.

Why?

Well, yes, because I'm being a big baby.

I'm jealous.

It's not fair and I'm pissed.

He has made it clear for the last two years and one week that he "deserves" to go hunting.  I have "robbed" him of his one love in life (that would be hunting, not me or the daughter---or dog for that matter).  I "owe" him time off to hunt.  Poor poor me.

Hmmm.

Do I feel that he deserves to hunt?  Sure.  We all deserve to do things that we love and enjoy.  Has he been robbed of his one love in life?  I don't think so.  I actually feel that his one love in life should be his family.  And we're right here.  Do I owe him this trip?  Maybe. 

I will agree that I do owe (and I am using that term so loosely) him a lot.  I mean, he worked so that I could stay home with our daughter for her first year.  He worked so that I could finish college.  He's one hell of a hard worker, no doubt.  Never once complains about it either.  But the attitude could go to the wayside.

Let's face it.  Having a child and family requires something that he's unfamiliar with.  Sacrifice.  Look it up.  Heck, I'll even do it for ya...
 

So my friend, Webster, even listed my case in point on 3B.  Okay, it's something given up or lost.  Should I even begin listing the things I have given up or lost since becoming a mom?  Or a wife and a mom?  No.  Why?  Because I knew that things that I loved <in my former life> were gone.  Or, more limited.  At least during her young years.  When she's 16 or 18, I am sure that I can plan on having some of those things back.  Like, showers alone.  Pooping without a toddler on my lap.  Dinner out with my friends.  Shopping and trying things on without corralling a toddler from climbing out underneath the door.

OMG, did she just say "pooping!?"
Yes.  I did.  And if you're a mom, you know how true that is.

I would love to drive to work without the worry.  Even if she's doing absolutely amazing..... I still worry.  I would love to have a girls night out without the guilt of knowing that I should be spending that time with her.  With my family.

And I think that it all lies there.  The guilt of knowing that any time that I'm spending doing selfish things...is time that I could be spending with her.

I know that there is a healthy balance.  You have to do things for yourself to keep sane.  I get that. 

But that jealousy gets me every.single.time.

He tells me that I can take "time off" or "for myself" any time I want.  He says that I take zero initiative for myself.

But how do moms take that initiative when the work at home never ceases?  He walks out with dishes in the sink, five loads of laundry to be washed, the living room knee deep in toys, me having to work two days this week...and just leaves.  Yes.  I am jealous.  I am left with a million things to take care of, and he's off for three days of his heaven.

And this "only love in his life" trip comes just a few weeks AFTER he returns from a two week work trip on the east coast.  Granted he was there working...but it was a two week hiatus from the stress of daily life.  That is what I want the vacation from.  The daily life where there is a sink full of dishes, we're cramped in a tiny apartment, eating mac-n-cheese--again, ran out of milk and it's raining and the screaming toddler has to go with you because no one else is here to help...

I am working up the courage to just take off for my own little hiatus.  Three days away from everything.  But knowing me, I would take Kinley with me.  I never feel a desire to have time away from her.  I desire a leave of absence from life.  Is that terrible?

I'm really happy that he's taking this time.  I truly am.  Like I said, we needed a break.  I want my bed to myself.  I want to only clean up my messes.  I want to have time to drink a beer in silence.  Dinner consisting of what I want to eat.  I really enjoyed the couple of weeks when he was gone for work, so I'm not worried at all about "making it" while he's gone....  I know that I will be just fine.

I just hope and pray that when he returns, he will drop the whole "you owe me" and "I deserve this" and "I'm so deprived because I haven't hunted more than xx amount of times in the past two years" stuff.  I have had it up to here. 

A friend of mine told me that her husband complained that he feels "trapped" and she so kindly informed him that being married with three children under three, does in fact make him "trapped."

Playing in the snow outside church

Very curious

Going to her classroom at church