Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Room for one more?

Am I a bad person because I don't feel that strong will to expand our family any more than it already is?

I feel so complete having Kinley in our lives.  There is no "gap" in our family circle. 
Everything feels just right.

I have to admit that having another child isn't tugging at my heart.  Am I a bad mom?  Am I saying that Kinley was "too much" for us and doing it all over again isn't worth it?  Because I don't believe either of those to be true.

Kinley being in our lives has been so amazing, so fantastic, so perfect, that I just feel tremendously fulfilled.

But I don't want her to grow up lonely.

I don't want her to be alone after our time here on Earth. 

I don't want her to be too "adult" because she has no siblings to remind her to stay "child."

I don't want her to be alone on those family vacations.

I feel extremely torn.  I am seeing more and more friends expecting baby number 2 and while I don't feel jealous, I feel anxiety.  I know that if we were to have another child, it would be soon.  We would want them close in age.  But I feel like I'm having to rush myself to feel something that I'm not feeling yet.

If I were to get pregnant, it would be welcomed with open arms and open hearts...but making that decision to expand our family is SO TOUGH.  How do you know when/if it's right? 

Richie is ready and on board for number 2.  He really wants that son.  I remind him that there are no promises that it would be a boy....but he says he "just knows" that it will be.  Haha

Sometimes I worry that there is  no way that I could love another child as much as I love Kinley.  And I know that *everyone* says that you just do....but I just can't grasp that.  Kinley is in my every breath, every beat of my heart.  How do I have anything left to give to another child?  I'm scared.

Richie and I have discussed it time and time again, and each time we just let the topic fizzle because neither one of us know what to do.

We struggled so greatly trying to get pregnant with Kinley, that who knows if we would even be able to get pregnant again.  And I think that is where the answer lies. 

We're going to put it into God's hands.  We trust God and his plan. 

After the first of the year, we give our decision to Him.  If another child is meant to be in our family, then so be it.  If not, then that is okay too.  We won't prevent.  I think that this decision makes my heart feel the most at ease.  He won't give me anything that I can't handle.  If He feels that another child is in our plan, then we'll know that it was meant to be.  Is this a bad approach?

Is this the "chicken" way out?  Is this avoidance?

I think that this is the biggest reason that I fear.  This is what our birth story surrounds.  NICU.  It wasn't supposed to be that way and it scared the heck out of us.  I think that I fear that it will happen again.  I can't put Kinley through that.  We couldn't be away from her day and night to be with our new baby and have Kinley pushed aside waiting for us. 

On another note:

Kinley's birthday tutu is complete!  I love, love, love it! And the matching headband is so perfect!

She will definately be party perfect!  Initially, the tutu and headband were going to be for pictures only, but now I think that she'll wear the dress for the first half of the party and the tutu for the second half.  They are both way too cute to not show off.  Thank you, Kacy!  (find Kacy and have her create your idea--all of her items are made custom--theangrystitchers on etsy!)

1 comment:

kacy said...

Thanks, Joy for your sweet tutu compliments!

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