So, I went...

Oh, it felt so good to walk back into her office, which was completely unchanged.  See her welcome me back with open arms and simply ask me "what's going on?!"  She's not changed either.  Looks exactly the same. It's something about her that just brings peace over my soul. 

I left our house about an hour before my appointment.  Her office is in a suburb south of me and I knew (and anyone that lives in Chicago-land knows) that driving through the suburbs takes some time.  My husband told me to take the expressways because it would be faster but I chose to take the local roads.  I was ready for my hour drive, without him, without Kinley.  I was able to listen to the radio at the level that is not baby friendly and sing to the songs that he doesn't like to hear.  I wanted the longer route.  I wanted that time to myself.  I savored the traffic and congestion.  Where some get frustrated and disgruntled about sitting at a light through two cycles, I was just fine with it. 

The radio station that I had on played three great songs right in a row (Pink's "So What" and then Journey's "Faithfully" and then La Roux's "Bullet Proof").   And by the way, I love the song Bullet Proof, but that La Roux freaks me out.  It's something about her....maybe her hair, her dancing, I dunno.  But it scares me.  Kind of similar to how clowns scare me.  She's just creepy.  But her song rocks and I sang it and had so much fun.  I was that girl that you pull up next to at the stop light and catch jamming out.  Yep, that was me!  And despite me being so afraid of what everyone else thinks, totally did not care yesterday.  That felt good.

So the session meeting went well.  Very well.  I'm sure she probably read up on my old case notes or something...or maybe she was just really good at faking me out, but she seemed to remember a whole lot about where I was those 4-5 years ago when I was her patient.  She gave me the cue and just like that, it was as if someone pulled the plug.  Words came flying out of my mouth at warp speed.  I just went on and on and on and on.  I'm not sure that I even took a breath.  Oh that felt good to get it out.

It's obvious that I have "issues" to work through but I accept full responsibility for them and am willing to do the work to make it better.  I know that you have to be an active participant in your own life and you have to work to get better.  It won't just happen.  Trust me, I've tried sitting and waiting and it doesn't work that way.

She wants me to continue writing.  She wants me to start looking within myself and figure out why my self esteem and self confidence has dissipated.  I have to get my anxiety under control.  I guess I knew all of this before seeing her, but hearing her confirm what I thought to be true really helps.

It's my starting point.

And the two weeks between appointments are going to seem so long.