Monday Funday!

This sounds whack, I know, but I sure wish that I was still sick with gall stones.  I look back on those pictures and wish that I could look like that again.  I don't remember if I wasn't eating or maybe just wasn't using the food I ate, but dang!  I wanna look like that again!

I'm just about to reach that point of "okay, I've had enough" with my weight.  And until I reach that point, it's hard to do anything about it.  I have to be completely FED up before I'll move.  The last two days, I have gotten up at 5:45 to give me a half hour to go walking before Richie leaves for work.  That half hour is more for my mental health than physical though.  I am walking briskly, blaring iTunes in my ears, clearing my head.  Today my play list bounced from S&M by Brit Brit to High Enough by the Damn Yankees.  I know, right?!  And all the while, I was daydreaming that Charlie Tango would come flying down from the sky and Mr. Grey would be picking me up for a date.  Yeah, yeah, dream on!

I have read so much about the 300/30 challenge, or whatever it is, and I even tried it yesterday.  I almost died on my bedroom floor only 50 reps in.  It was sad.  And made me feel even more discouraged.  So for now, I am setting the pace pretty simple.  My 30 minute walk/hopefully working up to a run, and simple crunches.  Baby steps.

I highly doubt that I'll ever make it back to what I looked like a few months post giving birth, but man, I would like to try!

Makes me ill.  Three months after having a baby and I was this thin....  Hard not to beat myself up a bit.  This whole getting old thing isn't going well!

Yesterday, I took Kage to a new (to us) farm and oh boy, it was awesome.  It's about fifteen minutes from where we live and I must have been living under a rock to not know about it.  Like I had mentioned before, I have been scoping the kid scenes for cheap/free summer events to partake in with my girl.  This farm had a free day yesterday...and believe or not, it was not at all crowded. Kinley was in heaven.  They had a carousel, pony rides, train rides, tractor rides, animals!  The girl was loving it!  And, with no crowd, so rode the rides over and over with no wait.

Stopped for a quick hair trim on our way

Kinley checking out the one room school house museum on site

Here she is riding the pony named Peanut Butter

She loves him!

"Heehaw" calling the donkey

Her beautiful hair!

Had to ride Chip too

ChooChoo!

Anxiously waiting for the choo choo to pick her up

They offer season passes and I have a feeling that we need to invest in that.  What a fun place to go and so close to home!

Last night we had her 2.5 year well check.  Dr. Natalie is so amazing and we are so fortunate to have found her.  We had a great scare a few months ago when she announced that she was leaving the practice.  I was in tears over it.  But the rumor mill began to roll and we heard that she was opening her own practice.  She confirmed last night that it is true and she will be opening a "small town" feel office including home calls.  And she is focusing on holistic care, which is what I prefer.  Win/Win.  The visit went very well and Kinley a.k.a. "Dr. Malwi" (she insisted that she was Dr. Natalie) did great with her two vaccinations.  I however, didn't do well.  I really, really didn't want her to get any, but Dr. N reassured me that it would be okay.  And so far, (knock on wood), she hasn't had a reaction.

She had to bring her doctor supplies to her appointment

That was our day, in a nut shell.

Today we have nothing on the agenda, aside from the mundane grocery shopping, bank run and library.  Tonight is family library night but Richie has a work thing to attend.  I think that her and I may go after dinner.

I'm getting old and falling apart

When you pee on that little stick and see that faint little "+" pop up, you immediately zoom into this land of bliss where everything is soft, fuzzy, beautfiul, happy, pink (or blue), la la, ga ga, perfect.  You rarely zoom into the land where you're so tired you can't function, you are so busy that you forget to shower, going to the grocery store is your major accomplishment for the week.....  and in my case, you're sicker than a dog with no explanation as to why.

Since getting our own little "+" slice of heaven, I have had more health issues than I ever thought I would.  I know that I'm getting older and things just aren't the same, but my goodness....I'm falling apart!  During my pregnancy, I became diabetic.  I had a port in my big ole' belly for my 4x daily insulin shots.  A few weeks after giving birth, I was in the hospital for an emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed.  It seems that the pregnancy made my gall bladder go wonky and it created these stones that made my gall bladder resemble a honeycomb on ultrasound and the stones worked their way into the ducts to my (?) liver.  Nice, huh?  I have anxiety that is worse than it ever has been and my stress is through the roof.  I now crave chocolate non-stop and can't stomach almost all other foods.  And now, I've become dependent on a daily regimen of Prilosec.  That's the newest ailment. 

Maybe it's unfair to blame my pregnancy....but I'd be willing to bet that it is the culprit.  About two weeks ago, maybe a little more, I started having this all day nausea.  It was miserable.  I couldn't do hardly anything because I just felt sick all day long.  In the beginning, I thought it was the flu.  I hear it's going around and I thought that (God forbid) I had caught it.  Well, it never progressed passed the nausea stage, and the nausea stage never went away.  What the heck?  The longer it went on, the more that I realized how much it resembled my all day sickness when I was pregnant with Kinley.  So reluctanly, we bought a test.  This is our first real scare.  I *am* preventing pregnancy.  We are not ready for another.  The fear of taking that test was intense.  Part of me wanted it to be positive so that I would have an answer to why I had been so, so, so sick.  But then the realistic part of me was screaming NO!, it just *can't* be positive! 

Well, it was negative.  *sigh of relief*

I finally tell my mom about this extreme nausea that I'm dealing with.  I was down a few pounds from being unable to eat and I knew I had to do something.  Our new insurance with the husband's new job doesn't start until January, so we are "floating" (which is never a good thing to do, btw).  I couldn't go to the doctor.  Mom said that she takes Nexium daily for the same issues.  Hmmmmm.  So we went to Tar-ghet and picked some up.

That next morning I took my first dose, and by afternoon, my nausea had subsided.  You don't know what great relief that was.  Holy cow.  I wanted to scream my thanks to God.  The next couple of days, I took it first thing in the morning and felt GOOD all day.  It was amazing.  Three days down the road and the nausea was resurfacing by about 2 p.m.  So now I'm guessing that the dosage isn't strong enough for my issue....or maybe it was only masking a different problem.

Either way, I'm calling a doctor today to get this checked out. 

The bad thing about moving to a new area is having to find a new doctors.  Doctors are so hard to find.  You have to find one you trust, are comfortable with, that understands you, yadda, yadda, yadda.  And I'm not your average patient either.  I'm a tad high maintenance (wha?!  NO!).  Maybe more than a tad.  I'm a full time job in itself.

I am thinking that I do have some stomach acid issue...but I also think that it's majorly stress related.  My stress levels are through the roof right now and I think my stomach (and back and neck) are paying for it.

Having a baby made me old.  But she's worth every second.

Ever feel like someone is watching you?

Here, There and Everywhere

Richie now has Kinley's cold.  I hate seeing him sick about as much as I hate seeing Kinley sick.  I am anticipating being next.

Writing my blogs in the morning has become so difficult.  Now that Kinley is getting me up in the morning, I have a little one to deal with while trying to get my thoughts out in some sort of order.  Well now she's refusing to play in the living room while I sit at the dining room table at the lap top.  Even though it's all one big room, she insists on being right here with me.  Which I'm okay with.  I just hate that she chooses to be under the table bonking her head on every chair and table edge.  Makes writing so much more difficult than it needs to be.

This morning while she was nursing I just stared at her....thinking that in just a month I'll be facing such a huge decision.  Do I wean her or let her self-wean?  I'm not sure if nursing beyond 12 months is for nutrition or comfort.  I'm thinking comfort.  Part of me wants to allow her morning and bedtime nursing till 15 months.  Part of me realizes that 12 months is a good place to stop.  I will be back in school in January and daytime nursing will have to stop anyway.  It's such a hard decision.  My mom said that I nursed till almost 18 months (!).  Geez.  I know hope I won't go that long.  It's such a beautiful experience though.  Those that have nursed know what I mean.  There is nothing more pure, nothing more beautiful.  It's the best experience I've had in my life.  Seeing that chapter close is just sad.  I will miss our moments together.  I am hoping that come December, I'll have this awakening moment and the decision will become clear to me.  Maybe she'll miraculously just stop asking to nurse!  haha  right.  The child is a milk monster.  She nurses 5 times a day!

Yesterday, I had the awakening, if you will.  It's no secret that I'm pretty down on myself about weight gain.  My friend, Summer, put it in a way that I like to hear it.  Maybe now that I'm back to normal from my gall bladder removal (January 2010) my weight has come back. I was 149 when I got pregnant.  Jumped to 170 by delivery and then down to 125-130 post delivery.  I was suffering greatly from gall stones (little did I know) and didn't eat for about a month.  I thought it was anxiety and post partum causing the extreme back pain and nausea.  It wasn't.  Come to find out, gall bladder surgery is very common post-delivery.  So then after the removal, I was just as sick.  Everything I ate caused immediate diarrhea (hope you aren't reading this over breakfast).  That lasted for about 6-7 months.  Hence, the weight keeping off.  Now that I'm not having "that issue" anymore....my weight is back to 140.  Makes sense, right?  Thanks for my excuse, Summer!  I'm sure it has nothing to do with my chocolate addiction.  That was another one of those things that I inherited post-baby.  I never craved chocolate before I got pregnant.  Didn't crave it during my pregnancy either, good thing too, cause I was diabetic.  But post delivery, I want chocolate non-stop.  Along with my new hips and curlier hair, I gained a chocolate addiction.

But on the topic of weight and not liking my self image, I came to a realization yesterday.  The image in my mind that I want to be, is never going to happen.  Ever.  I had it in my early 20s and it's never coming back.  Too bad, so sad.  I'm older and a mom now.  Unless I become a celebrity and earn the millions for the plastics, this is what I've got.  And it's not all bad.  I just have to learn to work with it.  You know?  Instead of wanting a body all toned and 6 packed, why not just be happy with a body that looks good in real clothes?  It's highly unlikely that I'll be sporting a half shirt and super low rise jeans any time soon.  I dress like a "real" woman and as long as I can look good in "real" clothes, I should be happy.  I have to learn to dress for my body.  Right?  Remind of this. often.

Last night I did it again, I figured out a dinner using what we had instead of shopping for what we don't need.  I did run into Aldi for milk and bread.  Those are staples though.  We have an Aldi about 2 minutes from our house, literally.  And those cashiers are quick!  Wow.  You can be in and out in like 3 minutes.  If you don't mess with the carts, that is.  And for just milk and bread, Kinley made it with out.  So for like $3, I got a gallon of milk and bread.  Score!  So yesterday I made the whole day on spending only $3.  Her new Adidas came in the mail yesterday, so it was kind of like shopping but I didn't spend anything.  Thank you, Nonie.  They are so super cute, too.

And in Kinley's adventures under the table while mommy blogs, she managed to break the power cord to the laptop.  It's not really broken, but cracked.  The adapter where it plugs in to the lap top, is cracked.  So you have to have it in just right for it to charge.  Needless to say, the laptop will randomly just shut off because it's dead. No notice, nothing.  I'm so irritated.  I know that the stupid cord will probably cost as much as the laptop to replace.  Isn't that always the way it happens? 

Last thing:  last night's TV--  Elizabeth on Biggest Loser NEEDS TO GO HOME!  I was so mad at her during the challenge last night.  She always fails because she can't breathe.  If she can't do the work, get off the ranch and quit ruining it for everyone else.  The asthma excuse isn't flying in this house and we want you to go home.  There, I said it.

And on DWTS, I was bummed to see Rick Fox go home.  That's his name, right?  I just call him the tall guy.  I didn't want anyone to go really.  I think that Bristol will be next though.

Survivor is tonight!  Woo-hoo!

Oh, and while you're here, VOTE FOR KINLEY!

Making a list

Today's wake up call came at about 4:30 a.m. Miss Kinley decided it would be a great time to wake up mom and dad. So she proceeded to shout out, not cry, until we came to her room. Richie got up to check on her and there she sat in her crib having a grand ole' time. Who knows how long she'd actually been awake.

He brought her to our bed and I nursed her and she was ready to go. She wanted Lucy out of her cage and wanted to get a start on her day...there is a lot of playing to do! Of course by 6 a.m. she was whining and fussing because she was tired. I rocked her to sleep and carried her back to bed and the second I lay her down, she pops back up. That brings us to this moment. She's up there crying out for me now. It's going to be one of those days.

Last night we watched Big Brother and even though we were given a glimpse into Enzo's home life and they all seem super great...I'm still not on the Enzo wagon. Everyone that I liked has gotten voted out, so now I'm just watching to watch. Hayden seems to need the money most, being a student and all. But his mouth drives me insane! I don't even know what it is but I can't stand to watch him talk. Lane is cool, probably my fave of who is left...but he doesn't need the $$. Enzo has rode on coat-tails through the whole entire game. I don't think he played a strategic game. I think he lucked out every single time. It frustrates me.

We went to bed last night and then got into the conversation about what we would do if someone broke into our house. We composed so many "what if" scenarios and ended up just scaring the bejeezes out of me. The bedrooms in our home are upstairs and Richie's gun cabinet is in the finished basement. Not very smart, eh? We really aren't in fear; our subdivision is very nice and safe...or seems to be. But you just never know. Having Kinley in our lives makes us look at every situation in a new light. Protecting her and her well being is always our top priority and having her safety at risk is just not an option. It is good to have those kinds of "what if" conversations. I think it makes you more prepared or at least feel that you're more prepared.

Kinley is still up there...and she is losing her mind. BRB.

That time worked much better. She nursed (again...third time today and it's only 7:00 a.m.)and is sleeping soundly.

How do you find motivation? I mentioned before about the P90x and needing to drop 20 pounds and I have yet to do a single thing about it. The only thing I can give myself credit for is not eating out. We made ourselves a deal that we would eat at home except for special treats and so far we're doing a really good job...but the working out has yet to happen. Why not now? I could list excuses, but you don't want to hear them. Truth be told, I'm too stinkin' lazy.

The laziness rules my world. How sad is that? Today I will make a promise to myself...I will make my list and cross things off. I love to make lists but even more, I like to cross things off. I lay in bed at night before falling asleep making my mental list and by morning I have forgotten most of the things and spend so much of my day racking my brain to remember what I forgot to remind myself to do! Ugh!

I placed and ad on Craigslist yesterday for a part time sitter for Kinley when I go back to school two days a week. Classes for that semester start January 18. I got quite a few responses...some charging 30 a day, 45 a day, 70 a day and 90 a day. Why such a wide range? Does the quality really vary that much that it could raise/lower a price *that much*? When going through the responses, there are certain things that just cause an immediate "delete" and the main thing is grammar. It's such a pet peeve for me. While I know that I'm not a grammar genious, I try to be very aware and particular when it comes to spelling/sentence structure/etc. When someone responds to my ad with several typos and referring to my daughter as "your kid" I just don't even read any further. It kind of grosses me out. I think that I found one that seems legit and worth the money. And she is pretty much on my route from home to school. We'll see how it goes....I started early with my search so that I would be certain to find someone just right for us.

I guess I should get busy on my list now....cause I could ramble all morning long. The more I ramble, the less I have to put on that list!

Slacker

The holiday weekend came and went and so did the blogging. I just didn't have the time to sit and think. Life is definately busier when Richie is home...and I'm not sure why. So what is new?

I've got so many things swirling in this head of mine...where to begin? First of all, my laptop is making me crazy. The shift key is not on good behavior and only chooses to work half the time. That is enough to drive someone crazy. And for some reason, I only use the left shift key and never the right. I will need to retrain myself I guess...or retype everything that needs capitalized.

The Shakespeare class that I am in is already getting old. I am supposed to be reading Julius Caesar and I've resorted to finding the translated version online to read. I read through Act I yesterday and have no desire to continue. This is going to be a long semester.

I called and scheduled Kinley's 9 month appointment with the chosen pediatrician. I think that he's the perfect fit for us and my picky ways...so I pray that I'm not let down. He was my favorite out of the four that I interviewed.

The dreaded topic that I'm so mad about even having to deal with is weight. I have known that I was putting on weight in the past couple of months but I didn't realize how much until last night. My jeans have been feeling a bit tighter and I can see the flab on my belly coming back. So I stepped on the scale last night to find that I am up to 140 pounds. O.M.G. I've put on 10 pounds! I would like to blame it on the breastfeeding slowing down (she only nurses about 4 times a day now) but I know that the real culprit is myself. I have such a severe addiction to chocolate, or sweets in general. I've never been so addicted to chocolate before. Since I've given birth, it's been insane. I crave it. Quitting smoking was easy compared to quitting the chocolate. But I'm committed now, I refuse to put on any more weight. It will be good for both Richie and I to take a second look at what we're putting into our mouths. We also have the P90X that we're going to start. Or I'll say that I am going to start. I don't think he has any interest in the program. But in his defense, he has a physical job climbing trees all day. Me? Not so much. I lift Kinley and do housework but that is really the extent of my exercise. So there it is. It's out of the box. I weigh 140 and refuse to go a pound more. Whatever it takes, I will do. I want to be down to my goal weight of 120. TWENTY POUNDS. Ugh...seems so unattainable. I'll have to research some meal ideas and go grocery shopping. I really wish I could find a workout buddy around here. Kinley is going to be my walking buddy for now...I couldn't ask for better company.