I sprung a leak

My intentions were to nurse for three months.  Then I said, okay, I survived that, so let's go to six months.  The six became nine, the nine twelve and here I sit looking at fifteen. 

I still had no real plan at weaning.  Even though I said that I would stop *no later* than 15 months (knowing that if she wanted to nurse till 24 months, I would do it).  That being said, I don't want you to think that our breastfeeding days are of her on the boob all day long.  From about twelve months on, it's been 2-3 times a day.  Occasionally a day would come that she'd nurse 4-5 but I've been an on demand nurser.  She gets it when she wants it.  Let's be honest.  She gets anything she wants, when she wants it.  She's my boss.

That being said, she's not asked to nurse since 6:00 last night.  I'm going on 24 hours of no nursing.  Today, my boobs have been about to burst.  I didn't put in nursing pads because, well, I haven't used them since she was a few months old.  I just didn't think about it.  (I don't even know where they are, to be honest.)  I had to leave class a little early today to pick her up from day care (since daddy couldn't and it's his normal day to do so) and on my way to get her my boobs hurt more and more and more.  Ugh.  I finally get to her and the minute I see her, my bra gets warm and wet and sooo gross.  Ugh.  I'm leaking.  So I sit and converse with the daycare lady for 15 minutes or so about Kinley's day and weaning and engorgement, etc and my bra just gets wetter and wetter.  So gross.

So now I'm home and Kinley still hasn't asked to nurse.  I know that if I offer it to her, she'll nurse.  But I'm kind of thinking that she's self-weaning.  And if I ask her to nurse, or remind her, that it'll be a step backwards in the direction we should be going.  Does that make sense?  I don't know what to do.

Part of me says to stick in a bra pad and just go with it.  But what if tomorrow she decides she wants to nurse and I've already started to dry up!?  Oh the stress.

Kinley has a new BFF.  My sister told us about these spill-proof snack cups, and I' had seen them before but forgotten about them.  Kinley loves to sit down and share her snack with Lucy, so I always give her some crackers in a bowl and let them share.  Not any more!  We got these nifty snack bowls at Tar-ghet (that French store around the corner) and Kinley is in love.  She carries one everywhere she goes.  And we've found that she loves Trix.  Yeah, that sugary cereal that has zero nutritional value.  Whatever, she likes it and she is the boss.  Remember?  So yeah, Kinley highly recommends the bowls.  Lucy, not so much.

Tonight we are going to our Dave Ramsey class.  We missed the last two.  Two weeks ago, we were all under the weather sick as all get out.  Then last week I was drowning in homework and couldn't take the two hour break to go to the class.  Ever feel like you've just totally disappointed someone and just feel terrible for it?  That's how I'm feeling lately about Church ABC.  We've totally dropped the ball.  We've not been to church in two weeks and all functions that we've signed up for have been lost in the mix too.  I feel SO BAD.  Not only have we "skipped" class with the Dave Ramsey thing but I also volunteered for this tutoring thing through the church and completely forgot that the training started two weeks ago and I've missed two sessions.  Total no call-no show.  Such a fail.  Ugh.  The stress.

I need to learn how to say no.  I have myself so swamped in life that I'm suffocating myself.  That's not good.  I need to realize that school and family are enough.  I don't need to try and be Super Woman and sign up for all of this extra stuff.  That time will come.  But it's not today.  So I have to email the tutoring coordinator and explain why I'm such a loser and blew off the two sessions.  And tonight I'll hopefully redeem myself with the Dave Ramsey class instructor. 

Squeaky Feet

So, secretly, I love my new "office."  I can come up here, work on homework, write a blog, check my email, or whatever.....in peace.  I mean, I can still hear her and know what's going on downstairs (I'm in the loft, which over looks the living room) but I don't have her hanging on my legs and whining to help me type.  It's kind of nice. 

I made my cup of coffee and requested ten minutes of blog time....and off I went.  Ahhhh, bliss.  Haha.  It's the little things in life, right?

Yesterday we spent all day (most of the day) looking at new apartments and came up with nothing.  No joke.  The areas where we want to live, just don't offer much in the line of apartments.  So we're going to have to broaden our search.  We are looking at one property this morning and we're really hoping that it is nice....but at this point, I'm pretty negative Nancy about the whole thing.

I'm totally hung up on this mold thing.  I mean, if it comes back as mold, then that's one thing.  But it has to come back as a dangerous level of mold for us to break the lease.  Right?  So I'm not even sure that looking at/falling in love with a new place is the right thing to be doing.  And if it is a dangerous level, do we need an attorney to help us out of the lease or can we just say "hey, this place is no good, we're out of here."

There is no doubt that we want out of this current lease so that we can get a cheaper place that we actually like living in.  But I'm not so certain how possible it is to actually get out of it.  Am I making sense?  I am holding my breath until Monday at 11 when the inspector is actually here and tells me my options.  But I pray that it's "dangerous" enough to get us out, but not "dangerous" enough to have done long term harm.

I had my appointment with Dr. Laura yesterday and while we started out talking about my marriage, our finance stresses, etc., it all got turned into my breastfeeding relationship with Kinley and my complete overwhelming anxiety that comes with the thought of weaning.  I guess I didn't realize how uneasy I am with the idea.  I mean, I know that I'm going to wean her.  I know that I don't want to nurse her till she's 2, but at the same time, I am not sure that *I* can handle the wean.  I have some work to do there.  And thank God for Dr. Laura.  She gets me.  She knows how I think.  She knows what to say to help me solve the questions in my mind.  She knows how to get me to take the baby steps so that I accomplish but never step out of my comfort zone. 

Last night we enjoyed a Saturday night of nothing.  We caught up on some DVR'd shows, hung out with Kinley and just chilled out.  I can't remember the last time we did that (on a Saturday).  It was so nice.  Kinley's sleeping habits are absolutely terrible lately and we fought her to go to bed till 11.  It's been  tough.  Our baby that slept through the night, went to bed on her own, always happy and content, is no longer.  I don't know what to do or think anymore.  Every hour is something new that we're not used to. 

The pediatrician saw four teeth on top coming, so maybe this is all due to that.  But I just don't think that's it.  And a mother's instinct is usually right on.  Or it has been for us.

We're having to miss church today because of Kinley still not feeling her best.  She's still not got her voice back and her nose is stuffy.  If this is the mold doing this to her.....ohhhhhh, I'll be livid!  But maybe it's not.  Maybe she has a cold?  Just no other symptoms other than the raw throat and congestion.

And did I mention that she's walking?  It's not 100% of the time...but she takes 5-10 steps at a time and does it often.  So yeah, we say we have a walker on our hands.  And it's the cutest thing ever.  Ahhhhh, I love that girl.

Goofy face, but I wanted to show you her new "necklace."  And I
know that most parents wouldn't let their child walk around playing
with this, but she only does so when she's with us.  So it's safe(r).
It's a USB cord.  She LOVES it.  Carries it around and normally has
it around her neck like a scarf.  If she sees it on the floor, she grabs
it and whips it around her neck (only once, we're not talking strangulation
here) and will wear it like that for a long time.  Here, she's wearing it for
dinner.  I think it's the cutest thing ever.

We gave her Cheerios in her snack bowl and instead
of eating, she poured them all over the floor.  The flood
 of Cheerios surround her.  And you see my shoes there
(she's a shoe fanatic) and then there is daddy's cell phone
(because she always wants either his or mine) and then there
is her cord/scarf.  Lucy is sitting in the chair using all of the
strength of God to not jump down and devour the Cheerios--
but trying to look innocent as if to say "she did it!"

When we were out shopping with Richie's brother and his girlfriend last weekend, we saw a family (mom, dad, little girl about Kinley's age) shopping with either the mom or dad's parents.  So it was the family and then the grandparents.  The grandma was blind and had a seeing eye dog.  That wasn't so out of the ordinary...having a blind mother, I'm used to seeing that, but I'm always in awe of the seeing eye dogs.  My mother never/still doesn't want one but I so wish she would.  The independence that they bring are just amazing.  I know why she doesn't want one....or maybe I think I know why she doesn't want one and that's her thing....so whatever.  But I've been around several "working dogs" and they are just the most amazing animals ever.  If you've not read about them, do so.  It's pretty cool how they are trained, coupled up with their owners and how they live.  Ah-mazing (how many times can I say that?). 

But I got off on that whole seeing eye dog thing.  That wasn't the point of this story.  The point is this, the little girl that was about Kinley's age was walking with her grandma and she had on the squeaker shoes.  Every tiny step that she took was sounded out by "squeak, squeak" and grandma knew that she was right there. 

I stood there, Auntie Anne's pretzel in hand, and cried.

Something as simple as that squeak, made all of the difference in the world to that grandma.  It brought her the calm that her granddaughter was there with her step for step.  Just think of them being at home....grandma doesn't need to worry about where she's at...she'll hear her every step.  It's something that the sighted take for granted.  So, you think that Kinley will be getting her some squeaky feet?  You betcha.  She probably won't wear them all the time, but you can be certain that they will be her Nonie and Papa shoes!  And who needs ruby slippers when you have squeaky shoes and the power of Nonie and Papa?

Weaning myself

Last night we played catch-up on our shows.  We watched The Middle (which was freakin' hilarious!) and then Modern Family (so funny!) and finally Mike & Molly (which is a new favorite, AND they are in Chicago! sweet!).  Those three shows never disappoint and we were both cracking up through all of them. 

While watching Modern Family, I realized that the hairstyle that I've been in search of was right there in front of me.  Claire!  It's perfect!  It's long, but not too long, it looks good when she wears it straightened and when she leaves it with some wave.  I think I'm going to go for it.  And I even went so far to make an appointment.  So, it's happening.  Next week.

Isn't it cute!?  I'm not going to be that blonde, of course.  I'm doing an all over color but just because I am thinking that I'll save my highlights for summer.  And the all over color is cheaper easier to maintain.  Now I hope I won't chicken out.

Kinley and I went to visit with the day care lady (I hate calling her that, but I don't want to post her name) and the visit went well.  Kinley was a little clingy to me, but I think that it was just her shyness and not that she was uncomfortable there.  I'm still so upset about having to leave her but realize that it will be best in the long run.

Next Tuesday is my hair appointment, at noon.  So since next week is our "break her in" week and she was going to spend two half days at day care anyway, I thought I would spoil myself and get a hair appointment.  Tuesday she'll be at the sitter from 11:00 till about 4:00.  Wow, that seems like a very long time.  Is that too much for her first day?  I tried making my hair appointment for Thursday, her second day at day care, but they had no openings.  Ugh.  I'm stressing.

For the past couple of weeks, we've been dealing with Kinley getting up in the middle of the night to nurse.  She (usually) only gets up one time and normally it is around 4 a.m.  She nurses both sides and then goes back to sleep.  Why all of a sudden is she doing this?  And the even better question is, what can I do to stop it?  Now that I'm going to be back in school, the last thing that I need is to not be getting a full night's rest.  Especially since we've been spoiled with an all night sleeper since she was 9 weeks old. 

Last night (this morning), I had daddy get up and go in to her with her sippy.  She cried HARD, real tears and everything, for an HOUR.  She threw the sippy, threw the passy, threw his every attempt to calm her out the window.  I sat up in bed crying with her.  I just wanted to run in and nurse her.  But I knew that our goal was to break the cycle and I managed to wait it out.  He finally got her back to sleep.  Fifteen minutes later, she was up.  He had to get ready for work, so I went in and nursed her.  She's back to sleep now. 

So she got what she wanted, and we lost an hour of sleep.

I am beginning to question my decision to not wean at her first birthday.  I should have done it.  And I admit that I didn't do it because *I* wasn't ready to wean.  I wasn't ready to close that chapter.  Weaning her means that she's growing up, she's not my baby anymore, she's a big girl.  That's a big pill to swallow.  I told myself that I would wean BY 15 months.  That's coming up really quickly.

With school starting, I'm really feeling the stress of not weaning.  And because of it, I'm facing this schedule:  wake up at 4:30 (I'm sure I'll be up with her at 4:00 anyway, if things continue as they have been), shower, get ready, pack Kinley's food for day care, eat breakfast.  By 5:30 I will need to get Kinley up, nurse her and get the car loaded.  I have to leave the house NO LATER than 6:15 so that I can drop her off by 6:30 and make it to class in time. 

I'm doing the "dry run" commute to school next week during her half days at day care...so maybe I'll be able to push my time a little.  Or I hope I can push my time a little later. 

But if I wasn't nursing still, I could let her sleep till 6 and possibly 6:30.  Ugh.  A few more months and hopefully I'll be ready to wean.

A newborn baby has only three demands.  They are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence.  Breastfeeding satisfies all three.  ~Grantly Dick-Read

Bored so I write about a board...

What I've been praying for, and wishing would happen, did.  Kinley put herself to sleep for both naps and bed time.  Although bed time was a little more of a struggle.  For both naps, she cried for maybe 5 minutes and then went to sleep.  And she slept for almost two hours for the first one and about an hour and a half for the second.  HUGE jump from her normal half hour nap.  AND, she woke up quiet and played nicely in her crib until I came to get her.  That hasn't happened in months.  It was like a different baby. 

Last night we were watching Survivor when she started getting super fussy.  I asked her if she wanted to go to sleepy and nurse and she huffed and puffed and cruised over to where I was sitting on the couch.  So off we went to her room to rock and nurse.  She nursed both sides and was still restless so I had Richie come up and tell her good night with me.  We put her in her crib and left.  She cried for about 7 or 8 minutes and we went in to comfort her again.  We walked back out and she cried hard for about 5 minutes.  Richie and I went back again to comfort her and I had Richie hold her next to her crib until she calmed down.  I had to leave the room because she knows how she can manipulate me and get her way and she uses that to her best ability!  haha  So I walked out and she cried.  After she calmed down, Richie laid her back down and she fell asleep.  And she's STILL asleep!  That's from 9:00 last night!  Woohoo!  But to be honest, I feel like I'm neglecting her.  I hate that she falls asleep by herself.  :(

I woke up a little early this morning.  A bad dream was haunting me and every time I closed my eyes, it picked up right where it left off.  I hate when my dreams impose a behavior on Richie that he would never have in real life.  But that's what happened.  I know that it's my past experience with my ex-husband that does that to me.  Behaviors that he had and what they did to me emotionally are still buried deep in me and fortunately they only come to life in my dreams.  So I was up in time to see Richie off for work. 

This new job is really taking a toll on him.  They work *a lot* of hours.  A lot.  He's gone from 5:30 in the morning till about 6 at night and come to find out yesterday, they work full days on Saturday too.  The paychecks will be amazing....but it's wearing on him.  I hate it and am going to try my best to make his time at home easy and relaxing.

It's funny how my goal of emptying the pantry and refrigerator makes me feel accomplished but makes Richie panic.  Last night he said "we have no food!  go to the store!"  haha, yet he ate a hearty meal and had lunch for today!  I admit it's getting a bit bare around here (I almost took a picture for this blog, but then realized that you probably don't care how empty (accomplished) my pantry looks and probably wish I'd quit blogging about stupid food!).  I may go shopping today.  We're out of Gatorade and Richie needs that for work and like I said, making his time relaxed and easy....remember?

Last night we were discussing ways for me to be able to bring in a little income without leaving the house, cause let's face it.  With his work schedule, there are no hours in the day that I could work.  Aside from Sundays, but that's family time.  I'm thinking about doing tutoring.  In the evenings a night or two a week?  What "qualifies" you as a tutor?  I would think that being two semesters from graduating with my degree in eled makes me qualified?  Maybe not?  Anyone have experience with this?

And yes, we had to order a new power cord for the Dell last night.  Kinley's trauma to the adapter is not fixable even though I've wrapped it up in packing tape.  So we did what good little money savers do and searched it up on ebay.  Paid 9.99 with free shipping!  Score!  From the Dell store, it was 65.99.  No joke.

I'm in search of a bulletin board.  I want one for my kitchen.  We have SS appliances and I guess you aren't supposed to use magnets on them.  So where can I put all of my stuff?  I have my ongoing lists for the stores that I need to go to....menus....our "what we spent this week" list and ummmmmm, I don't know.  Other bulletin board stuff that I want to put on there.  So I'm searching for a cheap one that I can make cute.  What do you have in your kitchen to keep you organized?  Or do you not keep that stuff in your kitchen?

If you haven't today, remember to VOTE FOR KINLEY!  I know I'm annoying the crap outta you for this voting thing....but I have hope.  I know that she's not going to win the Fan Vote prize.  There are entries with like 100K votes and Kinley has like, 60.  But they are also choosing 20 faces in each category to win, regardless of votes.  So I'm just hoping to get a few votes to help get her noticed?  I don't know.  Just vote.

Here, There and Everywhere

Richie now has Kinley's cold.  I hate seeing him sick about as much as I hate seeing Kinley sick.  I am anticipating being next.

Writing my blogs in the morning has become so difficult.  Now that Kinley is getting me up in the morning, I have a little one to deal with while trying to get my thoughts out in some sort of order.  Well now she's refusing to play in the living room while I sit at the dining room table at the lap top.  Even though it's all one big room, she insists on being right here with me.  Which I'm okay with.  I just hate that she chooses to be under the table bonking her head on every chair and table edge.  Makes writing so much more difficult than it needs to be.

This morning while she was nursing I just stared at her....thinking that in just a month I'll be facing such a huge decision.  Do I wean her or let her self-wean?  I'm not sure if nursing beyond 12 months is for nutrition or comfort.  I'm thinking comfort.  Part of me wants to allow her morning and bedtime nursing till 15 months.  Part of me realizes that 12 months is a good place to stop.  I will be back in school in January and daytime nursing will have to stop anyway.  It's such a hard decision.  My mom said that I nursed till almost 18 months (!).  Geez.  I know hope I won't go that long.  It's such a beautiful experience though.  Those that have nursed know what I mean.  There is nothing more pure, nothing more beautiful.  It's the best experience I've had in my life.  Seeing that chapter close is just sad.  I will miss our moments together.  I am hoping that come December, I'll have this awakening moment and the decision will become clear to me.  Maybe she'll miraculously just stop asking to nurse!  haha  right.  The child is a milk monster.  She nurses 5 times a day!

Yesterday, I had the awakening, if you will.  It's no secret that I'm pretty down on myself about weight gain.  My friend, Summer, put it in a way that I like to hear it.  Maybe now that I'm back to normal from my gall bladder removal (January 2010) my weight has come back. I was 149 when I got pregnant.  Jumped to 170 by delivery and then down to 125-130 post delivery.  I was suffering greatly from gall stones (little did I know) and didn't eat for about a month.  I thought it was anxiety and post partum causing the extreme back pain and nausea.  It wasn't.  Come to find out, gall bladder surgery is very common post-delivery.  So then after the removal, I was just as sick.  Everything I ate caused immediate diarrhea (hope you aren't reading this over breakfast).  That lasted for about 6-7 months.  Hence, the weight keeping off.  Now that I'm not having "that issue" anymore....my weight is back to 140.  Makes sense, right?  Thanks for my excuse, Summer!  I'm sure it has nothing to do with my chocolate addiction.  That was another one of those things that I inherited post-baby.  I never craved chocolate before I got pregnant.  Didn't crave it during my pregnancy either, good thing too, cause I was diabetic.  But post delivery, I want chocolate non-stop.  Along with my new hips and curlier hair, I gained a chocolate addiction.

But on the topic of weight and not liking my self image, I came to a realization yesterday.  The image in my mind that I want to be, is never going to happen.  Ever.  I had it in my early 20s and it's never coming back.  Too bad, so sad.  I'm older and a mom now.  Unless I become a celebrity and earn the millions for the plastics, this is what I've got.  And it's not all bad.  I just have to learn to work with it.  You know?  Instead of wanting a body all toned and 6 packed, why not just be happy with a body that looks good in real clothes?  It's highly unlikely that I'll be sporting a half shirt and super low rise jeans any time soon.  I dress like a "real" woman and as long as I can look good in "real" clothes, I should be happy.  I have to learn to dress for my body.  Right?  Remind of this. often.

Last night I did it again, I figured out a dinner using what we had instead of shopping for what we don't need.  I did run into Aldi for milk and bread.  Those are staples though.  We have an Aldi about 2 minutes from our house, literally.  And those cashiers are quick!  Wow.  You can be in and out in like 3 minutes.  If you don't mess with the carts, that is.  And for just milk and bread, Kinley made it with out.  So for like $3, I got a gallon of milk and bread.  Score!  So yesterday I made the whole day on spending only $3.  Her new Adidas came in the mail yesterday, so it was kind of like shopping but I didn't spend anything.  Thank you, Nonie.  They are so super cute, too.

And in Kinley's adventures under the table while mommy blogs, she managed to break the power cord to the laptop.  It's not really broken, but cracked.  The adapter where it plugs in to the lap top, is cracked.  So you have to have it in just right for it to charge.  Needless to say, the laptop will randomly just shut off because it's dead. No notice, nothing.  I'm so irritated.  I know that the stupid cord will probably cost as much as the laptop to replace.  Isn't that always the way it happens? 

Last thing:  last night's TV--  Elizabeth on Biggest Loser NEEDS TO GO HOME!  I was so mad at her during the challenge last night.  She always fails because she can't breathe.  If she can't do the work, get off the ranch and quit ruining it for everyone else.  The asthma excuse isn't flying in this house and we want you to go home.  There, I said it.

And on DWTS, I was bummed to see Rick Fox go home.  That's his name, right?  I just call him the tall guy.  I didn't want anyone to go really.  I think that Bristol will be next though.

Survivor is tonight!  Woo-hoo!

Oh, and while you're here, VOTE FOR KINLEY!