Doc, I'm crazy...

I walked in to Dr. Laura's office this morning, threw myself on the big arm chair and declared my self diagnosis. 

"I think I'm bi-polar." 

"Good to see you too, Joy!"  she said, laughing.

That office has become quite the comfort place for me.  I've sat in that chair numerous times over numerous years.

But this was the first time that I uttered words of anything close to a diagnosis.

I have my reasons.

I mean, a week ago, I was ready to leave my husband (or push him out of our home) and give up on our marriage completely.  I was ready to start over a new life on my own and just throw away everything that we had.  I was filled with negativity and was wallowing in it.  I had a secret blog that I filled with post after post of hatred and negative thoughts.  And then I would read and reread them to remind myself of why I was so mad.  I lived in anger--a very red world.

A week ago.

And then, I wake up one morning (it was last Friday) with a renewed sense of "I can do this."  The anger, the hurt, the fear...it was all cleansed and I felt that I had a new start.  A new outlook.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't angry.  I wasn't pissed off.  I just was.  I got up, and felt refreshed. 

So, you can see where my self-diagnosis comes in to play.  You don't just wake up and feel all better.  Especially not when things are *that bad*.  You just don't.  Do you?

Can you just come out of it that easy?  Can you get a second (or third or fourth) chance at making it work? 

I guess you can.  Or so she says.

Dr. Laura asked me to tell her why I thought I was bi-polar and said that she would tell me why she thought I wasn't. 

She had the better argument.  Imagine that.

So I'm not bi-polar.  Turns out, I'm human.

I guess I was "acting out" because of my frustration and anger.  I think I felt some resentment for things that aren't really his fault.  Reading the book opened my eyes more than anything I've ever read.  Reading the book gave me a whole new prospective on this whole marriage thing....

And this renewed self and renewed outlook is all cotton candy and clouds right now but eventually, life will return to it's "normal" state and we will face more mountains to climb.  And that's where our marriage counselor is ready to begin.  (You can only imagine her surprise when we walked in Wednesday night, all smiles.)

We're on stage one of repair:  learning to communicate.

And Dr. Laura is helping me learn to handle my emotions in a more non-angry way. 

It's a long road ahead.  But being in a more optimistic frame of mind, makes it a much more pleasurable ride.

I'm taking myself back to a place where I feel a calm.  A place where I don't feel frustrated or threatened.  A place where I feel accepted as I am.  A place where our marriage is protected and honored.  A place where my family feels safe.

And I thank God that I have a guy that loves me enough to stand by my side through all of these rough times.  Cause really, he had every right to bail.  But he loves me.  Unconditionally and with his whole heart.  He loves me.  With every ounce of his being.  How lucky am I?!

Home is where your heart is?

I'm going a little stir crazy over here.  We're on day two of snow days and we are all getting on each other's nerves, I think.  I'm crabby today.  Tired more than anything. And it's cold in here.  The heat system in this place just can not keep up with these subzero temps and the carpet is cold.  I have two pairs of socks on and my feet are still cold.

Let that be another reason why I am so ready to get out of this place.

We drive by our new apartment all the time.  Surprisingly, I am so excited about moving.  I just can't wait.  It's like Christmas all over again....only better.  Cause I'm getting a new home and a new neighborhood AND we're going to save some money.  Not a lot, but some.

I guess that I am most excited about the saving money thing.

Our finance guy assigned us the task of writing down every cent we spend for 30 days.  Let me tell ya, that is exhausting.  Totally makes me not want to spend cause I don't want to mess with remembering and writing it down.  So that being said, since January 26, we have had 18 transactions.  Hmmmm, that doesn't sound so good.

I haven't splurged at all...until today.  I treated myself to a Coke Zero at McDonald's drive thru.  And wouldn't you know it, I got the crap soda.  It was awful.  Too much syrup or not enough carbonation...I dunno but it was awful.  God was telling me that I shouldn't have spent the $1.08.  Oh well.  I learned.

We decided on a storage unit today to hold all of our useless stuff that we can't part with, yet won't remember we own in a year when we go back for it.  It is going to cost us $46 a month.  So that isn't too bad, really.  The apartment is half the size of the townhouse and there is zero storage there, so we didn't have much choice.  I mean, I'm selling stuff as fast as I can but when no one wants to buy the crap that I'm selling....I am not to successful.  I have sold $245 in the last week or so, so that's not too shabby.  I just need to sell more.

Speaking of the apartment being half the size of our townhouse, I am so excited to move into a manageable sized home.  It's simple, small and perfect for what we NEED.  This place has three bathrooms.  I don't have the time (or the desire) to keep up with three bathrooms.  We are living for what we need.  This place will be so much more my style and not so overwhelming--as this place has been.  And I found out that we can paint!  yippee!  Hopefully the Mr. will let me.  That will make it so much homier for me.

This weekend (I'm so messed up on my days of the week this week, I've thought today was Saturday all day long) is my appointment with Dr. Laura and I am so happy.  Our off weeks just seem so long. 

In our last session, she asked me a question, that at the time seemed to be nothing of a big deal. 

Until I answered.  The answer came so easily.  It just flowed off of my tongue.  So effortlessly.  Almost with no thinking involved at all. 

And the fact that it came about so easily and effortlessly, has had me struggling to grasp the big question of WHY.

She asked me, "Where do you consider home?"

Easy enough.

Right?

That's simple.

Everyone knows "home."

Right?

Right?

I answered: Joliet.

Where I lived with the butthead (if you're a reader, you know the butthead reference).

Why do I consider that home?  I lived there for six years.  SIX YEARS!

I'm 32, people.

There are a lot of years where I've lived in a lot of other places.  So why does my effortless answer place me right back to where it all fell apart?

Why isn't "home" where I grew up, or where my mom lives now?  Why isn't "home" where my husband and daughter are?

What is wrong with me?

I just feel such guilt.  I shouldn't have said Joliet.  I shouldn't have felt Joliet. 

But I did.

There is such a history there for me.  I (well, him and I, but buttheads don't count) built my first home there.  A beautiful home.  I did the whole yard, my design, my plants, my patio, my bird feeders, my garden flag.  I loved my yard.  I decorated each room in that house.  Down to the very last detail...I decorated.  I loved my neighbors.  I loved my life.  I loved my dog.  Everything was in place. 

And then, it fell apart.  Life was ripped away.  And I think that the wounds didn't heal as evenly as I tell myself that they did.

I feel like I'm wrong for going through my old pictures.  Like it somehow means that I'm cheating or not being faithful to my life today.  But it was/is such a huge part of me.  I shoved it all away when we signed the papers.  I just closed it and never healed.  Never processed.  Never grieved.  Or didn't grieve enough to heal.  So I'm telling myself this:  it's okay to look back.  It's okay to cry over the loss.  It's okay to miss parts of my past.  It's NATURAL to miss parts of your past.

I think that more than anything, this represents the fact that I have so much more to work through than I initially thought.  What I initially sought Dr. Laura to help me with...isn't the place to start....but maybe a place to work towards.

Saturday can't come soon enough.

Squeaky Feet

So, secretly, I love my new "office."  I can come up here, work on homework, write a blog, check my email, or whatever.....in peace.  I mean, I can still hear her and know what's going on downstairs (I'm in the loft, which over looks the living room) but I don't have her hanging on my legs and whining to help me type.  It's kind of nice. 

I made my cup of coffee and requested ten minutes of blog time....and off I went.  Ahhhh, bliss.  Haha.  It's the little things in life, right?

Yesterday we spent all day (most of the day) looking at new apartments and came up with nothing.  No joke.  The areas where we want to live, just don't offer much in the line of apartments.  So we're going to have to broaden our search.  We are looking at one property this morning and we're really hoping that it is nice....but at this point, I'm pretty negative Nancy about the whole thing.

I'm totally hung up on this mold thing.  I mean, if it comes back as mold, then that's one thing.  But it has to come back as a dangerous level of mold for us to break the lease.  Right?  So I'm not even sure that looking at/falling in love with a new place is the right thing to be doing.  And if it is a dangerous level, do we need an attorney to help us out of the lease or can we just say "hey, this place is no good, we're out of here."

There is no doubt that we want out of this current lease so that we can get a cheaper place that we actually like living in.  But I'm not so certain how possible it is to actually get out of it.  Am I making sense?  I am holding my breath until Monday at 11 when the inspector is actually here and tells me my options.  But I pray that it's "dangerous" enough to get us out, but not "dangerous" enough to have done long term harm.

I had my appointment with Dr. Laura yesterday and while we started out talking about my marriage, our finance stresses, etc., it all got turned into my breastfeeding relationship with Kinley and my complete overwhelming anxiety that comes with the thought of weaning.  I guess I didn't realize how uneasy I am with the idea.  I mean, I know that I'm going to wean her.  I know that I don't want to nurse her till she's 2, but at the same time, I am not sure that *I* can handle the wean.  I have some work to do there.  And thank God for Dr. Laura.  She gets me.  She knows how I think.  She knows what to say to help me solve the questions in my mind.  She knows how to get me to take the baby steps so that I accomplish but never step out of my comfort zone. 

Last night we enjoyed a Saturday night of nothing.  We caught up on some DVR'd shows, hung out with Kinley and just chilled out.  I can't remember the last time we did that (on a Saturday).  It was so nice.  Kinley's sleeping habits are absolutely terrible lately and we fought her to go to bed till 11.  It's been  tough.  Our baby that slept through the night, went to bed on her own, always happy and content, is no longer.  I don't know what to do or think anymore.  Every hour is something new that we're not used to. 

The pediatrician saw four teeth on top coming, so maybe this is all due to that.  But I just don't think that's it.  And a mother's instinct is usually right on.  Or it has been for us.

We're having to miss church today because of Kinley still not feeling her best.  She's still not got her voice back and her nose is stuffy.  If this is the mold doing this to her.....ohhhhhh, I'll be livid!  But maybe it's not.  Maybe she has a cold?  Just no other symptoms other than the raw throat and congestion.

And did I mention that she's walking?  It's not 100% of the time...but she takes 5-10 steps at a time and does it often.  So yeah, we say we have a walker on our hands.  And it's the cutest thing ever.  Ahhhhh, I love that girl.

Goofy face, but I wanted to show you her new "necklace."  And I
know that most parents wouldn't let their child walk around playing
with this, but she only does so when she's with us.  So it's safe(r).
It's a USB cord.  She LOVES it.  Carries it around and normally has
it around her neck like a scarf.  If she sees it on the floor, she grabs
it and whips it around her neck (only once, we're not talking strangulation
here) and will wear it like that for a long time.  Here, she's wearing it for
dinner.  I think it's the cutest thing ever.

We gave her Cheerios in her snack bowl and instead
of eating, she poured them all over the floor.  The flood
 of Cheerios surround her.  And you see my shoes there
(she's a shoe fanatic) and then there is daddy's cell phone
(because she always wants either his or mine) and then there
is her cord/scarf.  Lucy is sitting in the chair using all of the
strength of God to not jump down and devour the Cheerios--
but trying to look innocent as if to say "she did it!"

When we were out shopping with Richie's brother and his girlfriend last weekend, we saw a family (mom, dad, little girl about Kinley's age) shopping with either the mom or dad's parents.  So it was the family and then the grandparents.  The grandma was blind and had a seeing eye dog.  That wasn't so out of the ordinary...having a blind mother, I'm used to seeing that, but I'm always in awe of the seeing eye dogs.  My mother never/still doesn't want one but I so wish she would.  The independence that they bring are just amazing.  I know why she doesn't want one....or maybe I think I know why she doesn't want one and that's her thing....so whatever.  But I've been around several "working dogs" and they are just the most amazing animals ever.  If you've not read about them, do so.  It's pretty cool how they are trained, coupled up with their owners and how they live.  Ah-mazing (how many times can I say that?). 

But I got off on that whole seeing eye dog thing.  That wasn't the point of this story.  The point is this, the little girl that was about Kinley's age was walking with her grandma and she had on the squeaker shoes.  Every tiny step that she took was sounded out by "squeak, squeak" and grandma knew that she was right there. 

I stood there, Auntie Anne's pretzel in hand, and cried.

Something as simple as that squeak, made all of the difference in the world to that grandma.  It brought her the calm that her granddaughter was there with her step for step.  Just think of them being at home....grandma doesn't need to worry about where she's at...she'll hear her every step.  It's something that the sighted take for granted.  So, you think that Kinley will be getting her some squeaky feet?  You betcha.  She probably won't wear them all the time, but you can be certain that they will be her Nonie and Papa shoes!  And who needs ruby slippers when you have squeaky shoes and the power of Nonie and Papa?

So, I went...

Oh, it felt so good to walk back into her office, which was completely unchanged.  See her welcome me back with open arms and simply ask me "what's going on?!"  She's not changed either.  Looks exactly the same. It's something about her that just brings peace over my soul. 

I left our house about an hour before my appointment.  Her office is in a suburb south of me and I knew (and anyone that lives in Chicago-land knows) that driving through the suburbs takes some time.  My husband told me to take the expressways because it would be faster but I chose to take the local roads.  I was ready for my hour drive, without him, without Kinley.  I was able to listen to the radio at the level that is not baby friendly and sing to the songs that he doesn't like to hear.  I wanted the longer route.  I wanted that time to myself.  I savored the traffic and congestion.  Where some get frustrated and disgruntled about sitting at a light through two cycles, I was just fine with it. 

The radio station that I had on played three great songs right in a row (Pink's "So What" and then Journey's "Faithfully" and then La Roux's "Bullet Proof").   And by the way, I love the song Bullet Proof, but that La Roux freaks me out.  It's something about her....maybe her hair, her dancing, I dunno.  But it scares me.  Kind of similar to how clowns scare me.  She's just creepy.  But her song rocks and I sang it and had so much fun.  I was that girl that you pull up next to at the stop light and catch jamming out.  Yep, that was me!  And despite me being so afraid of what everyone else thinks, totally did not care yesterday.  That felt good.

So the session meeting went well.  Very well.  I'm sure she probably read up on my old case notes or something...or maybe she was just really good at faking me out, but she seemed to remember a whole lot about where I was those 4-5 years ago when I was her patient.  She gave me the cue and just like that, it was as if someone pulled the plug.  Words came flying out of my mouth at warp speed.  I just went on and on and on and on.  I'm not sure that I even took a breath.  Oh that felt good to get it out.

It's obvious that I have "issues" to work through but I accept full responsibility for them and am willing to do the work to make it better.  I know that you have to be an active participant in your own life and you have to work to get better.  It won't just happen.  Trust me, I've tried sitting and waiting and it doesn't work that way.

She wants me to continue writing.  She wants me to start looking within myself and figure out why my self esteem and self confidence has dissipated.  I have to get my anxiety under control.  I guess I knew all of this before seeing her, but hearing her confirm what I thought to be true really helps.

It's my starting point.

And the two weeks between appointments are going to seem so long.

Wow...that was fast.

So the therapist's office just called.  I see Dr. Laura THIS Saturday afternoon.

And the pit in my gut swallows me whole.

Why am I so nervous?  I went to her for so long...but it was so long ago.  Part of me feels like a failure for having to go back.  Part of me feels that she'll be disappointed to see me show up at her door again.  Part of me hopes that she'll be happy that I was smart enough to get help when I knew I needed it.

I guess I just hoped that my appointment would be a few weeks from now and I'd have time to prepare.  I guess sooner is better than later.