It's What You Make of It

So, it's either have a script called in for some Zoloft....or blog.  Blogging is cheaper.  And safer.  And well, easier.

I haven't blogged this entire school year.  Well, I popped in here and there, but really, it's been since the summer that I really sat down to blog.  I have to figure this whole thing out, again.  It's hard to make sense of this spilling your thoughts onto a keyboard thing.  Something that once came so easy to me, now isn't so much.  Remembering that your thoughts are loose and allowed to come out without a filter is something that I've learned to curb over the last 8 months.

My spring break is over.  I had intentions a mile long for this break.  And none of it happened.  I'm feeling a bit down about that.  In my head, spring break was going to be amazing.  Spring break was going to be huge for me.  Big changes, getting ahead, figuring things out, feeling on top of my game.  None of it.

I've been on a weight loss kick.  Cause, you know, I love failure.  I started with a program through Kinley's pediatrician.  Yes, I said her pediatrician.  I know....makes no sense.  Her doctor is a homeopathic practioner and she sees everyone.  But technically, she's a pediatrician.  She is on a weightloss venture herself, so she decided to open up her journey and hire a nutrition coach to help us along.  So why not?! It's a regimen of shakes, some nutritional supplements and diet.  Supposed to be exercise too, but yeah, I've not gotten that far.

I see the nutritionist every couple of weeks, for menu help and accountability.  But let's face it....it's slow going.  I am so discouraged.  I am totally the kind of girl that needs instant gratification, if I'm going to stick to something.  I'm down 7 pounds.  Yes, that's it.  My husband has been doing the diet and shakes with me (no supplements or nutritionist meetings) and he's down like, 12.  It's so not fair.  He can eat Mc Donald's twice a day and still lose.  True, he's got a super active job, and I teach....but still.  It's so not fair. 

So over spring break, I had these huge ideas.  Initially, I wanted to travel solo.  I need a break:  from life.  From the everyday.  I wanted to head to the Myrtle Beach area.  Why?  Well, because who doesn't want to retreat to a Nicholas Sparks based novel.  Right?  Yeah, I am that shallow.  But on this solo trip, I envisioned this amazing 14 hour drive, alone, blaring listening to my music (not Three Little Ducks or The Cat Came Back), stopping when I want to stop and seeing what I want to see.  Upon arrival to my Nichaolas Sparks novel setting, I envisioned staying in a little room near a beach.  I would do nothing but sight see, run, read, rest, run, rest, eat yummy food and read some more.  I envisioned this being my agenda for about three days before driving home feeling refreshed and renewed in life.

When I see her smile like this, all is perfect in my world.  :)

In her world, blue ice cream with sprinkles and "nim nims" make everything perfect.

Instead, I did three days in the Dells with the fam.  Was it nice?  Sure.  Did I make amazing memories with the family?  Sure.  Do I feel that renewed sense of self that I so desperately needed?  Not at all.  So yeah....I wrap up this spring break feeling the slightest resentment (at myself)....as I knew I would.  I need to be my own advocate.

My break wasn't all bad...I did get highlights in my hair.  I got my eye doctor appointment done, and ordered new glasses (my current pair is about 4, maybe 5 years old).  I balanced our check book and cleaned the house.  But aside from that, my feet have yet to hit the pavement (thank you, Mother Nature, for the rainy and cold weather), I haven't picked up a book and the only "rest" I have had is at midnight when I sit up thinking about the things that I wanted to get away from.  Yes, pity party for one, please.

The whole running thing stems from the fact that I volunteered to co-coach the 5th grade running club.  Yeah, the girl that can barely walk the block without becoming winded.  Running Club.  Hold me!  This is going to be rough.  So my goal was to build my stamina over spring break.  Didn't happen.

I think that most moms feel that strong desire to just get away.  Or, I hope they do.  I sure would feel like a mommy fail if I am the only one that just wants a break. 

My plan didn't work out.  So I'm working to make the best of it. 

Kinley and I had some great bonding time and we really had fun together.  She had a play date yesterday with a co-worker's little girl.  She had so much fun.  Last night, we went to her swimming class and today her ballet lesson.  Being a mom sometimes is more than you ever dreamed that you bargained for, but it's a life that I can't imagine doing anything else.

School is over in just about 7 weeks.  I then have my summer break to get back on top of things, feel renewed, become the mommy that my little girl deserves and get the ball back in my court.  We have a renewed zoo membership to use and I am hoping to spend a lot of time outside with my baby girl.  My feet will hit the pavement and I will become a runner.  Somehow, someway.  :)

Thanks for the reminder...but I didn't need one.

For those of you following along at home...

Yes, that says 3 weeks late.  I am so beyond frustrated.  And tired of sex.  We are trying to catch the ovulation but it's just seeming a bit impossible.  I mean, it's been weeks of "it could be any day now!"  And well, we're still waiting and trying.  Yeah.

And ovulation tests don't work for me.  I tried them one cycle in the past and had over 2 weeks of positive results and still no period. 

And I think that someone with a mean sense of humor sent me this from Enfamil.  Not that I've ever used formula, or would consider it, but still.  Not funny, Enfamil.  Thanks for the reminder that I'm *not* pregnant.  Anyone need Emfamil checks?  They sent me those too. 

Bitter Baby

There is nothing like a good old pity party to bring you back to your blog.  I'm just going to cut to the chase here....someone got pregnant and it wasn't me.  Story of my life, or so it seems in this self pity state.  Let me preface this by saying that I know how blessed we are to already have one.  A wonderful, beautiful, healthy little girl (who is three now, by the way).  I don't take that for granted (and I hate when people say that they take something for granite.) for one second.  Neither of us do.  And yes, I was all "one is enough" or "we are satisfied as a family of three" for a very long time.  That, has now, changed. 

I want another baby so bad. 

Kinley wants another baby, so bad.

She wants a "brudder."

We've been "trying" for a few months now.  But after the first couple, we realized that we weren't really trying but more hoping. 

I mean, we've never prevented, but we weren't really trying either.  Without getting all TMI on you, lets just say that we didn't do things as often as someone would if they were in fact "trying."

So on a whim, I got this text from the hubs that says, "I think we need to actively start trying again."

Ummm, wha huh?

I responded to him that we were, actively trying.

It was him that reminded me that we in fact, weren't.  And he was right.

So here we are back on the band wagon and on month cycle two.  If only I had regular cycles.  No joke, my cycles range from 96-ish days to 35-ish days.  Yeah.  How am I supposed to work with that?

I have the app that is supposed to help us know when those special days are...but according to the app, I was fertile three weeks ago--and I'm now fertile again for the next cycle.  Ugh.  So frustrating.

According to this app, I am 18 days late.  Normally, that would have every woman running for the "Family Planning" aisle at the closest Walgreens. 

For us, it's causes zero concern. 

And that makes me mad. 

I want the excitement of the "what if!?" and I want to anticipation of OMG, I'm late!  But nope, no cause for concern.  I have the log of all of my cycles and my cycle this time last year, was 96 days long.  So yeah.

I have zero symptoms of being pregnant, and zero symptoms of starting a period any time soon.  I have so had it.

I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, and Kinley just had her third birthday.  Our window of opportunity is closing, quickly.  We truly don't want a huge gap in our children's ages.  And I don't want to face the health risks of an ahem older pregnancy.

So back to my pity party....another blogger just announced her pregnancy.  Baby #2.  They decided four months ago that it was time to expand their family.  Boom, bang.  Done.

Must be nice.

I am bitter.  Allow me to be bitter.  I'll get over it sooner than later.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Here I go with another one of those blogs where I'm probably best to just keep my mouth shut.  But I can't.  I've never been one to be able bite my tongue.  Okay, maybe I have.  I think I've always been one of those people that wishes they weren't one to be able to bite their tongue.  Did ya get that?  Cause I had to say it outloud three times to be able to type it.  No joke.

I have had *the* day from...you know where.  Kinley amused me with a twenty minute nap this morning so that I could dish to my bestie on the phone.  I rarely get phone time anymore.  She had to hear first hand what I'm about to spew all over this post.  Ew.  Spew is an ugly, gross word. 

I'm just in one of those moods, in one of those funks.  And Kinley choosing to not nap was just icing on the cake. 

Finally, at 2:00, she went to sleep.  I finally got my shower.  I finally got to clean up the mess from last night and all day today (aside from the tornado of a mess in my living room) and "brewed" myself a cup of instant coffee.  I'm new to the instant coffee world.  I received a free sample of Nescafe Tasters Choice and I must say...I am enjoying it.  Even with my 'sounded better than it tastes' creamer.  Heck, I'd venture so far to say that it's a pretty kick butt cup o' coffee. 

I really hesitated even blogging today because I just know that it's a boo-hoo, poor me, pity pot, pity party (table for one) kind of post.  And a blogger that I really 'look up to' (that's not the right way to say it, but you catch my drift) recently did a blog and mentioned that she doesn't do posts about nagging about her husband because frankly, who wants to hear it?  So I have been having this war in my mind about to post-not to post....  and here I am.  So you know who won that battle.

Tomorrow  Sunday is my birthday (I don't say that just to get "happy birthday" comments....although you can if you want.  Comments make me smile.).  I'll be the young age of 32.  Tomorrow is deer season.  Richie is a hunter.  *deep breath*

While I know that hunting is his *thing* and he told me from early on that hunting is his number one love....I always hit this low each year that it rolls around.  Not because it's hunting season, but because it ALWAYS falls on my birthday.  I try to lie and say "oh, it's no big deal, it's just a birthday" but this year, for some stupid reason....it IS a big deal.  I've put Kinley first every single day since she's been conceived.  (I'm not complaining about that for a second.)  But damn it, I want my day.  I want to wake up to a Starbucks or DD in hand.  I want to have my baby brought to me for her morning nursing so that we can cuddle and nurse in bed.  I want to have a day ahead of me to look forward to.  Maybe time alone to get my eyebrows waxed and hair cut (boy do I need it) or maybe a pedicure or maybe just mall time to wander and try things on without having to cram a stroller in the tiny space with me. 

My bestie and I talked a few weeks ago about a plan for my day.  Richie was going to go hunting, her mom would watch Kinley and her and I were going out for dinner and a few drinks.  Well, that can't happen now because of the way that Richie's work schedule is, we have to do Thanksgiving down there this weekend as well. 

Hmmm.

Here is where I get pathetic.

I'm going to wake up on my birthday alone.  Take care of Kinley and hopefully arrange some time to take a shower.  Today, it almost didn't happen.  I hope to find time to see a friend or two while in town.  And maybe catch some lunch at some point during the day.  My goal is to find somewhere to have some friends meet up (baby friendly of course) for dinner and conversation.  We'll see if I can pull that off.....or if Richie will join us.

And then, maybe, I'll see Richie for a few minutes before he goes to bed Saturday night.  Happy Birthday to me.

In Richie's defense, he did take me to see The Lion King last weekend.  He said that we were celebrating my birthday that day.  But while I appreciate The Lion King (I really, truly do) I still feel somewhat shafted.  I didn't get a card, no coffee in bed, no baby brought to me in bed, and no time off for "me time."  It was your average, same as any other, kind of day.  But we went to Texas Roadhouse and to see The Lion King.

Ugh.  I just want to kick myself.  I'm so pathetic.  Why am I so unappreciative?  Who wouldn't be happy to go see The Lion King?  That is what I said I wanted....and he delivered.  But do you see my point?  That just because of hunting season, my day got moved?  It's been moved every year that him and I have been together.  I should be used to it but I'm not. 

I need to respect that this is his hobby.  It's only a few days of the year and this year he's only partaking all day Saturday and Sunday morning.  Get off the pity pot, Joy.  You're acting 2, not 32.

Sometimes, I'm a litte bit too honest.

Check out how I get to start my day!  Jealous?  I found it at Super Target yesterday.  They finally brought out their fall flavors.  Finally.  I've only been asking for a few weeks now.  Geez.  When I saw it on the shelf (next to the spiced pumpkin, which I found at Aldi last week {thank you, Amanda!} so I didn't care to buy it yesterday) I grabbed it so fast you would have thought there was only one left and three crazed lunatics were jumping at it.  But no.  There was a whole row of them, and only one crazed lunatic going for it.  But I grabbed it super fast.  Threw it into my cart.  Strolled on.  I craved my coffee and longed for this morning just so that I could try my new fall flavor.  Then it hit me....caramel apple coffee?  Hmmm, doesn't even sound a bit appetizing.  Haha...I was so wrapped up in a fall flavor (I keep wanting to call it a scent) that I didn't even give it a second thought.  It's good though...I'm enjoying it and about to enjoy my second cup of it.

Kinley tried getting up again last night at about 4:00.  But as our new pediatrician told us the other day, dad has to get up and soothe her.  Because I nurse her, and I broke the rule by putting her to sleep with nursing, every night....I have become her soother, her woobie.  She wakes up and feels freaked out that her beloved boob is gone and cries.  If I run in to her, she wants her boobie friend.  We don't want her getting accustomed to middle of the night nursing (again) so dad goes in to rub her back and soothe her.  It actually works!  He said it didn't take her long to go back to sleep.  And I didn't have to get up!  Score! 

I actually feel incredibly guilty about it though. 

My soapbox has always been "just because I stay at home with my daughter, doesn't mean that I do nothing all day."  I honestly think that the majority of people feel that SAHM's do nothing but eat bon bon's and watch soaps.  Ha!  Trade me places for a week.  I am constantly feeling the need to defend my role in this family.  My husband is not one that thinks I do nothing all day.  He tells me every day that he couldn't do it.  He sometimes complains after an evening with Kinley.  She is extremely high maintenance (well duh, she's a baby!).  She can truly wear you out.  Trust me, I know.  So why do I not give myself the credit that -deep down- I know I deserve. 
Back to the midnight waking and Richie having to be up with her.  I find myself thinking "I'm home all day, I should be the one up all night.  He has to 'go to work.' " 

Some days I wonder if post-partum depression can rear its ugly head ten months late.  Not that I really feel all that depressed...but just completely exhausted.  I don't find myself crying or hating the world or feeling totally sad....so maybe depression isn't right.  But the exhaustion is completely consuming me.  I love my daughter...more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.  But sometimes, I am just tired.  The last few weeks I have caught myself laying in bed at night just dreading morning.  Dreading the fact that I have to get up and do it all again.  Laying in bed wondering if I will get a full night's sleep.  Will she wake up early or will I get my "me time" and my two cups of coffee?  Will she be in a good mood?  Will I have the energy or time to take a shower?  Will we get out of the house for errands or fresh air?  Will I have time to do my homework?  Will I have the energy to clean the house and cook dinner?  I lay there with all of these thoughts just swirling in my head and I pray to God to just let me have a day where I can "go" to work.  Am I a bad mom?  In all reality, I wouldn't trade places with anyone.  Getting to see my daughter all day, every day....it's a blessing.  But I need a break.  My mind is screaming from the inside that I need a break.

Since we've moved up here, I have not had more than one hour of alone time.  We moved here on August 23 and on September 18th (yes, I know the day) I had my eyebrows waxed so I left the house alone for about an hour.  Aside from that hour, I've been with my daughter 24/7, minus sleeping, of course.  (Oh, I lied....I did have about two hours of alone time when I went to pick-up/drop off my friend, Chris.)  How lucky am I?!  Like I said before, I am blessed and thankful to be a stay at home mom.  But I'm human too.  Mom's are human too.  Just like teachers are human too.  As a kid, you never forget the first time you see your teacher in a restaurant or grocery store....whoa!  they eat food too?! 

When I bring this up to Richie, his immediate response is "just go somewhere, I got this."  But I won't go.  I feel like I'm failing at my "job" if I go.  This can't be normal.  I worry about my school work.  Here I'm finally able to get back to school and finish what I've started and I can't even find the time to do the work for an online only class!  How am I going to juggle going to class two days a week, plus the extensive work load from those two classes.  It's not an easy lab that you can breeze through.  There is so much work involved.  Part of me wants to just throw my hands up and say "I quit, I can't do it."  But I'm tired of quitting what I want.  I always give up my needs.  It's not fair. 

I'm jealous of Richie.  I am jealous that he goes to work, has work friendships, adult conversation and interaction.  He comes home, takes a shower, eats dinner, has his twenty minute "throne time" and then watches Kinley on the floor while we watch our shows.  I am lucky if I get a shower or time to go to the bathroom alone.  Sure I could use my hour of "me time" for homework, a shower, alone time to go to the bathroom (wow, this just totally got to be TMI) but I honestly think that without the hour of "me time" I would be certifiable.  No joke.

At the same time that I'm jealous of Richie, I'm so extremely thankful to him.  He goes to work and works hard so that I can stay home.  So that I can go to school.  So that we can eat.  Kinley has a college fund and savings.  All because he works.  I guess it just comes down to the fact that we are both giving 100% of ourselves to make this life work...but we show it in different ways.

There is a balance, I'm sure.  There is always a balance.  Finding it is the hardest part.

I just want to know....am I crazy for feeling these feelings?  Am I dealing with life or is it sprinkled with a little post partum depression?

To be completely honest, I almost highlighted and hit delete on this post.  Twice.

Restore Defaults

Are they not going to sell any pumpkin flavored coffee creamer this year?  I know that I've seen it in stores before...when I wasn't looking for it.  I have tried two different groceries and neither have it.  I settled for a vanilla caramel this time and it's just ehhh.  I've not always been a fan of home brewing (coffee) and thought it never tasted as good as purchased coffee.  Then I decided that I didn't like the taste of a $10 a week coffee habit and realized that home brewing tastes just fine!  Just add enough flavored creamer and you're golden.  So I brew my 5 cups of Folgers Bistro Blend (which in turn gives me two cups of coffee, who measures those lines on the pot anyway?  they must use shot glasses in the Mr. Coffee factory to measure) and add my weekly choice of creamer.  Sure would love to have a week or two of pumpkin though.

Did you like my post yesterday?  The one where I was in the middle of a complete melt down?  I lost it yesterday.  It happens.  I have my days.  Lots of them.  I would swear that on those days, God just hates me and wants to see me lose my mind.  I have a bad habit of allowing myself to take on too much and then feeling like a complete failure when things don't go just right.  When you take on that much, there is so little wiggle room.  You need wiggle room.  Especially when you have a child.  I am learning how to wiggle.

I remember a post I wrote a week or so ago about making a schedule or routine to help me not feel so over whelmed.  I need to go back and reread that obviously, because yesterday was just ridiculous.  Eventually, I did calm down but it took me a couple of hours.  Kinley did take a nap (about two hours) and I forced myself to sit sideways in the recliner (my chosen position) and watch "I'm Pregnant and Homeless" and realized that I don't have it quite so bad....as I tried to tell myself earlier that day.

How do I change my defaults?  You know when you are working on Word or whatever, you change a setting and there is that button that says "restore default?"  Well, I want that button.  For days like that.  I get a bit off track and I just need to restore my default.  It's way too easy to just lay down and die and say "oh my God this sucks!" or "oh my God, I think I'm going to die today!" or "nothing EVER goes my way and life is just not faiiiiiiirrrrrr!"  That is so much easier than getting up and going on. 

I have such high expectations for myself and I just wish I wouldn't be so critical.  Maybe the whole schedule or routine is a bad thing for someone like me?  Because honestly, I had a schedule for yesterday and because of the way the day was going, nothing was getting done.  And then I felt like a failure.  Once I had that time to sit sideways and watch TV for 30 minutes....I was fine.  I then got up, got the dishwasher unloaded, reloaded, house cleaned up, etc. and I went about my day.  I guess sometimes you just have to break in order to rebuild.  or restore.

Yesterday, my friend Kami, referred me to a blog and I must say that I'm in love.  It's called Heir to Blair and her writing is amazing.  Another blog I found (found it by clicking "next blog" up there on the top left) is called Life After I "Dew".  I thoroughly enjoy reading both of their writings.  They make me feel like I'm catching up with an old friend.  It's nice to have that when you really don't have many friends "IRL."  I mean, I have friends...but since moving, I've not met anyone.  I'm working on that.  Okay, no I'm not.  But I have hopes to work on that in the near future.

Last night we watched our favorite show, Survivor.  Love love love it.  This season is starting out slow, as it always does and we're rooting for the older tribe.  We'll probably switch later, we always do.  I don't really have a favorite player yet but that Nay on the young tribe should be ashamed of herself for the way that she talks about the girl with the artificial leg.  Her mom would not be proud.  Shame on her.  We were hoping that she would get the ax last night but geez, the way that Shannon was taking at tribal council, it's no wonder he got it.  How stupid to shoot yourself in the foot like that!

We then watched that new show "Better With You," (i think that's what it's called) and it was pretty good.  It's one of the new ones that we're DVRing.  We'll see if it continues to spark our interest.  Then after a friend's recommendation, we watched "Modern Family."  We laughed and will probably give it another shot.  We also DVR'd "The Middle" but haven't watched it yet.  Isnt' that the same as "Malcolm In the Middle?"  I never watched that but maybe Richie did?  I'm not sure.  He doesn't seem to excited to watch it but I just love that kid that is in it. 

My guilty pleasure, which I'm almost embarrassed to admit, is Teen Mom.  I know that it's a teen show but I just am so in to it.  It's crazy.  An hour a week is just not enough.  I watched this week's episode yesterday while Kinley was nursing.  That Amber and Gary really need to get a grip or someone needs to take that little girl away.  They aren't doing one single thing to benefit her well being.  It is really sad.  Farrah needs a dose of reality.  She feels that everyone owes her.  Her mom is just as nuts as she is but luckily her dad seems to have at least half a brain.  Which is more than her and her mom put together.  Poor, poor Katelynn.  I just want to take her in.  Her and Tyler are *the most* mature and just amaze me.  I hope that they make it and I honestly think they will.  Katelynn's mom is not right.  I hope she watches these episodes back and feels like the ass that she is.  Maci is adorable and I'm so happy she moved to be close to Kyle.  I honestly don't think that Ryan gives two poops about Bentley.  He's such a waste.  You know, I was thinking, Farrah always complains about no money but don't they get paid for doing the show?  And Catelynn's mom surely gets something for allowing the cameras in her home/car...so why doesn't she have money for Butch's attorney?  See what I mean...I'm way too crazy about this show.  It's my thing.