Thanks for the reminder...but I didn't need one.

For those of you following along at home...

Yes, that says 3 weeks late.  I am so beyond frustrated.  And tired of sex.  We are trying to catch the ovulation but it's just seeming a bit impossible.  I mean, it's been weeks of "it could be any day now!"  And well, we're still waiting and trying.  Yeah.

And ovulation tests don't work for me.  I tried them one cycle in the past and had over 2 weeks of positive results and still no period. 

And I think that someone with a mean sense of humor sent me this from Enfamil.  Not that I've ever used formula, or would consider it, but still.  Not funny, Enfamil.  Thanks for the reminder that I'm *not* pregnant.  Anyone need Emfamil checks?  They sent me those too. 

Bitter Baby

There is nothing like a good old pity party to bring you back to your blog.  I'm just going to cut to the chase here....someone got pregnant and it wasn't me.  Story of my life, or so it seems in this self pity state.  Let me preface this by saying that I know how blessed we are to already have one.  A wonderful, beautiful, healthy little girl (who is three now, by the way).  I don't take that for granted (and I hate when people say that they take something for granite.) for one second.  Neither of us do.  And yes, I was all "one is enough" or "we are satisfied as a family of three" for a very long time.  That, has now, changed. 

I want another baby so bad. 

Kinley wants another baby, so bad.

She wants a "brudder."

We've been "trying" for a few months now.  But after the first couple, we realized that we weren't really trying but more hoping. 

I mean, we've never prevented, but we weren't really trying either.  Without getting all TMI on you, lets just say that we didn't do things as often as someone would if they were in fact "trying."

So on a whim, I got this text from the hubs that says, "I think we need to actively start trying again."

Ummm, wha huh?

I responded to him that we were, actively trying.

It was him that reminded me that we in fact, weren't.  And he was right.

So here we are back on the band wagon and on month cycle two.  If only I had regular cycles.  No joke, my cycles range from 96-ish days to 35-ish days.  Yeah.  How am I supposed to work with that?

I have the app that is supposed to help us know when those special days are...but according to the app, I was fertile three weeks ago--and I'm now fertile again for the next cycle.  Ugh.  So frustrating.

According to this app, I am 18 days late.  Normally, that would have every woman running for the "Family Planning" aisle at the closest Walgreens. 

For us, it's causes zero concern. 

And that makes me mad. 

I want the excitement of the "what if!?" and I want to anticipation of OMG, I'm late!  But nope, no cause for concern.  I have the log of all of my cycles and my cycle this time last year, was 96 days long.  So yeah.

I have zero symptoms of being pregnant, and zero symptoms of starting a period any time soon.  I have so had it.

I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, and Kinley just had her third birthday.  Our window of opportunity is closing, quickly.  We truly don't want a huge gap in our children's ages.  And I don't want to face the health risks of an ahem older pregnancy.

So back to my pity party....another blogger just announced her pregnancy.  Baby #2.  They decided four months ago that it was time to expand their family.  Boom, bang.  Done.

Must be nice.

I am bitter.  Allow me to be bitter.  I'll get over it sooner than later.

Here She Goes Talking About Another Baby

via

I have baby fever.  And it's getting bad.  I'm dreaming about it, thinking about baby names, allowing it to become part of the conversation at home....  it's bad.

And part of me wonders if it's because I know that we can't just go out and do it.  Almost like it's safe to only talk about it, because more than likely, it won't happen?

Yesterday at Kinley's dance class, one of the moms that I was visiting with asked me if we were planning to have more.  I always answer that question with the, "oh someday, yes, we probably will" and act uncertain.  Why don't I just be honest?  So yesterday, I was honest.  I told her, yes, we wanted to have more but it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant.  But we are trying.

There.

I said it.

She acted a little embarrassed for asking after she realized that it wasn't going to be a simple yes or no answer.  But I'm tired of not being honest about it.  If you ask, you're going to hear it!  I threw the question back at her and she replied that she is 10 weeks pregnant.

Punch in the gut.

I haven't felt that in a very long time.  And then I felt embarrassed as I tried to fake enthusiastic questioning all about her bun in the oven.  I mean, I was happy for her and her daughter.  It took her a long time (well, 10 months isn't that long, really) to conceive this baby.

Before we conceived Kinley, every time I would see a pregnant woman or hear about someone getting pregnant, I was sucker punched in the gut.  It was that extreme jealousy, and being envious, and just craving that so bad for us.

It's back.

It was that reaction that made me realize that I had it bad.

I had a dream about it the night before. I dreamed that I was at my doctor for testing and he found out that I was already pregnant. I woke up so mad!  How dare my dreams tease me like this!

And yesterday when Richie got home from work, I proudly beamed that I had finally selected a boy's name. He was a little confused as to why this was even part of the conversation, but I had to tell him.  A boy's name is something that we've never really "nailed down"...actually, we don't have either name selected even if we were to have more children.  We just aren't that kind, I guess.  To worry about it until it's time?

Kinley is feeling it too.  She talks about her "brudder" a lot.  Last night in her bath, she was playing with her baby and when I asked it's name, she said "brudder."  She wants another baby-a sibling.

I'm more anxious than ever to get this Clomid started.  To test the waters to see if we can make this happen.

What Is Old, Anyway?

Last night was so rough.  Kage started running a strange fever on Wednesday.  It would come and go with no rhyme or reason.  No other symptoms, just a fever.  And then yesterday, it stayed pretty constant in the 101-102 range.  She refused all medicine that I tried to give her...until about 7:00 last night.  After her meds, she felt great!  We took her for a long walk to house dream, she played at the park, took her bath and enjoyed a "spackle" {or as you would call it, a popsicle.}  She was great.

Until about 3 a.m.  Ugh.  I know that my husband was up with her twice, then she was in our bed, then I was rocking her, then I was sleeping {trying to} on the couch with her and finally on her bedroom floor is where my husband found me when he left for work.  It was not fun.  She did take more Motrin sometime in the middle of the night, so she is resting now.  I just hope it lasts longer than 7 a.m.  I am exhausted.  I need my blog time and coffee time to even attempt to feel human today.

Oh, the porch!  And the arched entryway!  Love.

We always walk in the same route and wander the adjacent subdivision to our apartment community.  It's a beautiful, quaint little subdivision and we dream about someday living in a place like that.  The homes in this area are in the mid to upper 300K range but the taxes are about 13K a year.  OUCH.  So yeah, dreaming is as far as it gets in this town!  There is a house that I have just fallen head over heels over, and last night I finally got the courage to stop and snap a picture.  The owners are almost always outside, and how awkward would that be to get caught taking pictures of their home?!  Yeah.

Oh yes, and I had my doctor appointment yesterday.  Ahhhhhh.  Let me start by saying that I love this doctor.  He is wonderful and restores my faith in good OBGYNs in this area.  So that is a plus.

But, his advice is to go straight to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).  Why?  My age.  Yes, ladies {and gents?}  I am old.  I will be 34 in November and he really thinks that I should do everything in my power to get pregnant before 34.  He claims that its the magic age when things start to get complicated.  Complicated is not what I want.  No siree.

Seeing an RE is very expensive, and my school insurance {very good insurance/my hubby's insurance=not so good} expires on August 19.  That really doesn't give us much time to get many things done before our insurance bombs.  I would prefer to stay with him for at least six rounds of Clomid, like I did before.  He set a plan in place so that if I continue to work with him through this journey, but also had an RE call me to schedule a consult.

The plan {if I stay with him} would be to do Provera {period inducer} on June 30 if I don't start my period and IF I get a negative pregnancy test.  On day 3 of my cycle, I am to have blood work done to check {something--see my attention span must have flaked on me here} levels of estrogen and egg something or other.  From that point, he will be able to tell if it is a cycle that I can get pregnant on......  man, that doesn't sound right.  I sure wish I had asked more questions.  But I am guessing that after that day 3 blood draw, that Clomid will start on days 5-9.  And he's starting with the maximum dosing of Clomid as well, which is what I wanted because my body did not react to it any other way.

This plan is really what I went in hoping to hear.  If I do go to the RE, I will most likely end up on the path to IVF.  Which is all of financial/emotionally/physically draining.   That's not how I want this to go.

But he also burst my bubble by telling me that in no way was Kinley a Clomid baby.  I was on Clomid from July 2008 through February 2009.  Kinley was conceived in March 2009.  He says that Clomid would have been out of my system by then.  He calls her a miraculous conception.

Great.

Here we go with miracles.  And you know how often miracles happen.

I mean, we knew that she was pretty darned special already, miracle or not.  But we gave her an extra fifty hugs and kisses last night after being reminded how miraculous she truly is.

After a long talk, we decided that we would stay with my doctor and not see the RE.  We will give things until November and if we are not successful, we'll still be just as blessed with our one miracle baby and count our blessings as a family of three.

Even miracles have tantrums in parking lots.

Momma Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said....

Running a sporadic fever.  :(

So if you have "liked" Living On Trees on Facebook, you will know that I made the appointment.  I am actually not going to the doctor that I saw last time, as his next available appointment was July 31, and let's face it, I would have changed my mind four times between now and then.  And, I wasn't too fond of him anyway.  So I'm seeing a new {male} doctor and hoping that he's fantastic.  I am slightly excited.

The kind office lady answering the phone informed me that my Mirena IUD was removed on July 21, 2011. So that's almost one whole year of unprotected....ummmm, marital acts.....and no pregnancy.  I think it's time to take things to the next level, no?

I am happy to have finally made a decision.  That was the hardest part, I think.  But now what stinks is that before we can actually start the Clomid, I have to have a period.  And that is the difficult part.  And after some quick research on my fertility tracking app, I found that my cycles range from 28 days to 99 days.  So predicting when I will be able to start a new cycle with the Clomid is any one's guess.  So that really stinks.  I want to have my appointment and get started right now.  Not going to happen.

I actually told my mom last night that I was going in to start Clomid again and she wasn't mad.  I really thought she would be.  She'd remind me of all of the reasons {that we are well aware of} why we shouldn't be having another and tell me what a mistake it was....but she didn't.  She calmly said that now was as good a time as any and if we were going to have more, we should do it now before Kage gets any older.  Wow!  Something we actually agree on!

So, it's official.  We are taking the next step to expand our family.

I used to blog {I use that lightly, as I rarely posted and didn't keep it up, and I don't think anyone actually read it} about our infertility journey and right now, I am so glad that I did because now I have something to go back and look at to refresh my memory about what we went through before.  So if you're so inclined, I can post a link to that for you to take a look-see.

And on a completely unrelated note, I am in celebration mode.  Our savings hit the 4K mark today!  I know that isn't a lot of money to most of you, but for us, having started at a big fat 0 in February and in June are at 4K....that is huge!  So we're going to be celebrating a few things in our home tonight.  Go us!

The Fever

What is jealousy?  I mean, I know what jealousy is...but is that what I'm feeling?  I swear, my Facebook feed is filled with new babies and news of pregnancy.  And I'm so super happy for them.  For example, two ladies that I met during childbirth classes when I was pregnant with Kage, are now mommies again.  I am over the moon for both of them. I'm over the moon for all of my mommy friends that are adding to their family.

But I'm feeling something.

Something funny in my heart and tummy.

Is it jealousy?  Can you actually be jealous of that?

Or am I jealous that they felt "the fever" enough to follow through and have another baby?

Am I jealous that they now have a family of four?

Am I jealous that they were in a place that they knew another baby would fit right in?

Am I jealous that they felt enough control in their life to expand the family?

Am I jealous that they can actually conceive?  "Normally?"

I have been so back and forth on this topic and I get "the fever" but it goes away.  My husband gets "the fever" and then has a bad night with Kage and changes his mind.  We both go back and forth....but I guess the bottom line is that yes, we both want another child.  But when?  And to what extreme will we go to have one?

Kin will be three in a little over five months.  {oh my God.  THREE?!  How?!  Already?!}  I don't want that big of a gap in age with my children!  I would have to get pregnant now!  And do I really want to start the fertility drugs again?!  NO!  I hated being on them!  Can we have another child in this apartment?  Well, yes, I guess if we had to.  Can we afford two children?  Again, yes, if we had to.  Can we afford to give two children the life that we want for them?  I don't know.  Is it fair to take away from Kage to give her a sibling?  What we take away would be so much over-paid by the love and companionship of a sibling.  Right?

Can I imagine the hell of early pregnancy sickness while taking care of a two (and a half!) year old?  Heck no!  Ugh.  That is what sucks the most.

And can we handle it?  Are we strong enough?

Can I handle it?

copyright Leasa Jones Photography

copyright Leasa Jones Photography

I miss the tiny baby (even though that lasts only a couple weeks!), I miss the cuddles, the love, the breastfeeding!  Yes, breastfeeding was amazing for me.  I miss it so much.  The closeness, the bonding, the love!  And when I think of having two little people to love as much as I love KG, it seems like a no-brainer.

Now, I just need to call my doctor and make that appointment.  That's the hard part.

Remember Me?

This feels like uncharted territory to me.  I haven't posted in, what? Months?  Feels like years, really.  Today is the last day of my spring break.  And here I had these massive, elaborate plans to blog daily.  To spend a whole day reading.  To maybe even take time to get myself a pedicure.  And what did I do, in reality?  I spent two hours cleaning a little girl's bedroom....and today you can't tell that I made any attempt.  I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom (minus our bedroom, the neglected room).  Today, you can't tell.  And I ran errands that have been looming over my head for months.  Crazy things such as going to the social security office to get my last name corrected on my card.  Would you believe that I have been running around with a misspelled last name on my card for FOUR years, and didn't notice until my current employer pointed it out?!  And then, my address was wrong on my drivers license.  They put an 8 instead of a 5 on my address.  So uh, when they tell you to double check everything after it's printed, they mean it.  It just so happens that when I got that one printed, I had a squirrely toddler with me and I was about to lose. my. mind.  Forgive me for not checking.  I just trusted that you could input the correct information into your system.  Ugh. 

So yeah, got those tedious errands done that needed done.

Then the budget coach issued a list about ten items long that I had to work on....one of which was to discuss and decide what to do with our first (and only, so far) home.  We bought it right before we were married.  We brought our baby home to this house.  Then made the decision that it was time to sell it.  Kind of bitter sweet.  But at the same time, we know that we'll never move back, and we really don't want the risk of something major going wrong while the renters are in....you know what I mean?  Huge financial risk to have a rental house.

My spring break was spent taking care of crap.  For lack of better words.  I'm a little bummed.

Since being on hiatus, so much has been happening in the land of Joy.  My beast baby girl is keeping me crazy busy, so much so, that I often find myself with my head spinning.  She's the most fun at this age.  She is the most challenging at this age.  Two year olds are a ball of everything.  Defiance, laughter, something new every single day, potty training, "Kinley do it!", a whole new level of mommy guilt, and a whole new level of pride as she sings her ABC's with the emeneno P.  I love that girl.  But, she makes me crazy.  And that, makes me think that we are doing things right.  Right?

Kin and her friend, Jilli


My husband and I are the happiest that we've been since.....ummmmm......forever?  I honestly can say that the past two months have been bliss.  We both attribute this to our financial coach.  Money stress effects every minute of your life.  Having gotten that under control, we can breathe again.  We aren't at each others throats anymore.  Life is--dare I say--easier?

The job is going well.  Holy challenging as ever, for sure.  I have a group of boys in my class---oh my goodness.  They make me earn every penny on that paycheck!  But, through the challenges, I am reminded daily that this is what I am made to do.  Sadly though, my contract does end on June 4 and I am again unemployed.  I have applied to about twenty districts with hopes for at least one call back.  Prayers please.

And lastly, we are trying to get pregnant. 

Trying.

It's the first "real" month of trying.  I mean, we've been unprotected for about a year.  But using my app, I have been tracking the month and my so irregular cycles and we really tried this month.  Without going all TMI on you...we were rabbits.  Mmmm, K?!  And here I sit, staring at this screen on my app....

And I'm frozen.  I so badly want to test.  I so badly want to be pregnant.  But, I won't let myself believe that it *could* be.  I mean, what would allow it to happen naturally now, when before, it couldn't happen.  It doesn't just happen on the first month of trying.  It just doesn't happen like that for us.

In the same breath, I find myself thinking of all of these "symptoms" and those of you that have gone through the woes of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, know of the "symptoms" that I speak of. 

Why not just test and rid myself of the pain and the agony that rides shotgun with me all day? 

Because the reality of the failure is too much.  For today.

I would rather dance in the what-if than kiss the reality of the no.  But, if it is in fact a no, I will call my doctor (that I don't even like, btw) and get a script for Clomid.  And then we'll probably have twins.  Cause I have the luck like that.  :)  Double the blessings?

But what if?

So....The test was.....

Why It's Okay That I'm *NOT* Pregnant:

• I am exhausted already.  All day, every day.
• We are broke.  And any extra money that we do have, is spent on Kinley.  No extras for another baby right now.
• I enjoy spending every ounce of my being thinking about and loving on her.
• I really don't want to share myself with any other children right now.  I want to give all of me to her.
• I want to be in our home before we have more children.  This two bedroom apartment is way too small for the three of us....if we had another on the way, it would be insanely claustrophobic.
• I want to be selfish and put my energy into building a career for myself and don't want to "deal" with being pregnant.
• We can only afford one college fund right now.
• I would like to start my Masters program after I graduate in December.  Being pregnant would make that even more difficult.
• I don't really like maternity clothes.  (okay, that one is a stretch)

Why I Am *Slightly* Bummed That I Am *NOT* Pregnant:

• I have no excuse for my belly pooch.
• I really wanted Kinley to have a sibling closer to her age. 
• I hate the thought of infertility--again.  And no period for this long makes me think that it's rearing it's ugly head again.
• I wanted a reason for my feeling icky.  Guess it's acid reflux or something?
• I miss that feeling of a baby moving in my belly.

So the test was negative.  If you didn't get that by now.  I was bummed for about five minutes and then got over it.  Guess I didn't want it as bad as I had thought.  I realized now that I'm okay with being a family of three.  And if God blesses us with the desire to work through our infertility and start treatments again, then so be it.  But until then, I am A. OK. with where we are right now!

In other news, day care is so rough on me.  Drop-off is the WORST!  She cries hysterically.  Makes me feel like crap, really.  But "supposedly" she is fabulous the rest of the day.  Or until the other kids start getting picked up, then she cries again.  But, she's eating well there.  Drinking MILK!  Which she's never done before.  And she sleeps amazingly well there.  So all signs point to her doing okay.  And have I mentioned how much I love getting art work from her every day?!  Yeah.  Awesome-ness.  I am going to be the mom that keeps every paper that she ever brings home.  Our refrigerator is heavily decorated and it's only the first week.

We picked her up together tonight.  That was a special treat for her.  And it was picture day today...and she looked adorable in her new dress and cardigan.  I tried to find a picture online of the outfit, to no avail.  And this morning was waaaaay too hectic to snap a shot.  So you'll just have to wait until I get them back.  But her teacher said that she was the only one to smile for pictures.  Guess all of that "cheese" practice last night paid off!

After we picked her up, we went and met with a new financial advisor that will be taking over her college account.  She was awesome and made us feel so un-dumb about the details of her money.  I feel much better about things now.  And I am proud of us for getting started on that when she was born....it's our goal for her to be awarded a full scholarship to college....but just in case she doesn't, she won't graduate with the debt that I have.  That's for sure.  And if she does get that scholarship, she's going to have a fabulous nest egg to start her life on. 

And for those not on my (personal) Facebook, here is a Kinley cuteness tidbit that I shared this morning:  after we say her bedtime prayers with her, we always say, "I love you, Jesus.  Amen." and she now says, "Men."  Ahhhhhhh.  She swells my heart.

Fertile Mertile?

Yesterday was the curriculum night at school and the PTA ice cream social.  It was fun to meet all of the parents and families but it was a long, loooong day.  I was at the school for about 13 hours yesterday.  Eeks.
I came home and wanted to just melt into bed.  I put K to bed and spent a few minutes on the couch to have a glass of wine with my husband.  I just needed to chill....relax.....come down.

We finally got to bed around 11 and just as I was just drifting off to sleep, I hear, "aren't you fertile today?"

Ummmm, what?

"I think you're fertile this week.  That's what the app says."

True, I do track my cycle on an iPhone app.  And I guess I casually said a few weeks ago that I would be fertile this week. 

Shockingly, my cycle is running at the textbook 28 days since the Mirena removal.  The first time, ever, in my life that I've had a normal cycle.  We're both thrilled to death with the predictability of it.  And now with this app...there is no guess work to it at all. 

So, he remembered that I was fertile this week.  And I double checked my phone.  Sure enough...he was right.

I asked him if he was truly ready for another baby and he thinks he is.....

But I still claim that you're never completely ready.  How can you be?

Cupcake Friday!  She choose a white cupcake with white and pink icing.

In other news, Zales has officially replaced my diamond.  The switching was never admitted but they were quick to get new diamonds in for us to inspect and choose from.... 

We went tonight to look them over and chose a new stone.  I should get my ring back, with the new stone, next week.  I am so thankful to have that behind me.  I'm tired of the back and forth with them.  And!?  I got a new watch battery for free.  Go me.

Dreaming of her first big rock!

We had a scare...

Since the removal of the Mirena a month ago, we've been "playing with fire."  And although we know the danger risks with that fire, we played anyway. 

It's all fun and games until someones boobs start to ache!

And then once you feel that heaviness in the boobage, your mind freaks out.  OMG.  I think I am having implantation cramping.  OMG.  I am more emotional than usual.  OMG.  I feel pregnant.

Yeah, I was SURE that we had played and got burned.  And we were so sure that we were ready for baby #2.  We were so OK with having another baby.  Until the scare came.

All of a sudden, we were in a panic.  We were freaking out.  We laid in bed and thought of all of the, "well now we can't do......" or "well, now this is ruined....."  or "this is the *worst* timing ever!"  We went through all of that.

And then, I tested.

Hallelujah!  Praise God!  Thank you, Jesus!  I was saying it all.  Kinley was just stared at me wondering why I was dancing in the bathroom.

And then...  the let down.

Oh.  Okay.  So there isn't a tiny baby seed in there.  So I'm not the fertile mertile that I assumed I had become.  So we aren't giving her a sibling.  So our lives aren't changing.  So we aren't a family of four. 

It's so strange the way things happen.  Something that we were convinced we had, seemed so wrong.  But when we found that we didn't have it, seemed so wrong.  That doesn't make sense....  But it's just funny how certain we were that it wasn't good timing and we didn't want this right now...yet I felt a twinge of a let down when I got that blaring "Not Pregnant" in my face. 

I'm okay about it now.  I realize that had it been different, I would be having a baby right about the time that I'm looking for a job.  I honestly don't know when good timing would be....I know that there really is no "perfect" time for a baby.  And there's never enough money in the account.  And life never slows the the acceptable pace to expand the family.  You just adapt.

We would have adapted if that test came out differently.  And we'll go about life as normal until God blesses us with another perfect angel....but I'm happy that he's not trusting us today.

Let the Games Begin!

I decided that opening my new Bible app and reading would help ease the anxiety that I was feeling. 

Kinley decided to sleep until it was time to run out the door this morning.  Which was nice because I was able to shower, get dressed, put on make-up AND dry and iron my hair without my little assistant.  But it was kind of sad too....cause I didn't have my little assistant.  And because of my gyno appointment, I had to take her to day care early.  So her sleeping in robbed me of my baby time this morning.  I was so looking forward to splishy-splashy time with her morning bath.  I was looking forward to eating sliced grapes from slobbery hands during breakfast.  I was just looking forward to her. 

So yes, I was able to enjoy a stress-free morning, but in turn had to wake her up at 8:45 and put her directly into her car seat so that we had time to get cash and take her to the sitter.  She arrived in her jammers with a cup of apple juice in hand.  I chit chatted for a minute, apologizing for her attire and said that there was an outfit and her crocs in the back pack.  Let her know that she wouldn't be ready to eat for about an hour....and off I went.

I got to my appointment early (shocker!  I'm never early for anything.) and there was only one other person in the waiting room.  She had her toddler with her--and hey, they have *our* stroller!-- but seeing her little guy made me miss my little girl.  I got called back and the nurse asked me if my visit was just for the Mirena removal and I shook my head yes.  I asked her, "is this going to hurt?"  She assured me that it was so simple and "just a pinch."  Ugh.  I hate when medical professionals say "just a pinch."  Cause I think that there is an actual medical course on things to say instead of saying 'yes, it's going to hurt like heck'--and "just a pinch" was learned in week 1. 

So there I sit, in my paper towel dress.  Reading my Bible app and trying to calm myself down.  I birthed a baby.  I can handle this.  It wasn't working.

The doctor came in.  And although I like him, he's no Dr. Mulch--my former obgyn.  And it irks me to no end when a doctor tries to have the exact same conversation with you that you had at your last appointment.  And it's about my health history.  It's not about the Cubs game.  That little folder that you walk in with....it's got it in there that you already checked me for diabetes.  And it probably already says that you called me personally two days ago to tell me that I'm fine.  So don't come in and ask me when I am able to come back for a diabetes screening.  mK?  And also, don't tell me that you'll call me in a couple of days with my pap result from last week.  Cause in that folder, it will also tell you that your office sent me a note yesterday. 

Maybe I don't like him as much as I had thought. 

I won't like anyone as much as I like Dr. Mulch. 

Searching for reassurance, I ask him if this is going to hurt.  He claims that it's easier than the insertion.  Sweet.  The insertion was completely painless for me!  And then 1-2-3, it was out and he was holding it up with his little tweezer-IUD-grabber-thing-tool. 

There is was. 

Our protection. 

Gone.

*gulp*

I did feel a small twinge of a cramp when he took it out.  But it really wasn't much.  And I am cramping slightly now.  But it's nothing that requires Advil or anything.

I walked out and immediately sent my husband a text:  "Let the baby making begin!"

He called me right back and said:  "We'll get started tonight." 

Such a man thing to say. 

The current game plan is to give my body 2-3 months to have a period.  If it follows in the pattern that it did pre-Kinley, I won't have one.  In that case, I am to call to start Clomid.  So I am thinking that I'll give it till my birthday.  End of November. 

Feels so weird to even be discussing all of this.  I thought that I didn't want any more.  But something feels right.  Something is telling me that we're doing the right thing.

There's An App For That!

I am so tired of waking up and it taking an hour for my eyes to adjust.  Here I sit complaining when all fingers are pointed at me.  Take out your contacts, you lazy girl!  I was so good about it for over a year.  I took them out every single night.  Then all it takes is one relapse and Boom!  Back at it. 

I really am going to try to take the time to take them out.

And I also skipped washing off my make-up before bed last night and now I feel like I have tarantulas for eye lashes because of all of the mascara residue.  Ewww.

Bet I'm just a sight this morning!

I am just a ball of nerves today.  It's the "big day" for me.  Getting the Mirena removed at the gyno in just under three hours.  I was having so much doubt last night. 
Are we doing the right thing?

What if we actually get pregnant?

Are we ready for that?

Is Kinley really ready for that?

I mean, just a month ago, I would have laughed in your face if I told you that I'd be having this thing removed.  Let alone, looking into having another baby.

But then I remind myself that I am primarily removing it to get my body to try and do it's own thing....sans hormones.  And hopefully stop the cramping that's been happening.

And I also remind myself how hard it is for me to conceive.  Nearly impossible.  So the chance of me getting pregnant is so super slim.  It's not like I'm a normal case here.

After talking with one of my blogging/IRL friends, I have decided to download the Bible app and start reading.  How crazy is it that I'm reading the Bible on an app?  I have the "real" version here...  Maybe I'll do both.  The app is just convenient for on the go...which I am.  But aside from all that, the point is that I want to start reading.  Confession time?  I have never read the Bible.  Like, ever.  I know.  I know.

But we were talking last night and I think that we'll read it as a family.  My husband has poor reading skills, and I so badly want to teach him new reading strategies--but that's beside the point--and won't read it on his own...and Kage needs to learn the importance of it as well.  So family reading time it is!  And I think that I'm going to read it on my own first and reread it with them.  Because for me, reading and rereading works best for comprehension sometimes.  And let's face it, that Bible is pretty intimidating!

My in-laws are coming in this weekend for a visit, my husband actually said that he hopes that they'll come to church with us on Sunday.  I think that his mom may but def not his dad.  His mom is a very strict Catholic, so she'll come but probably feel like a fish out of water with the contemporary service.  Who knows, maybe she'll love it!

And since I have to get off of here and jump in the shower before KG gets up, here are couple of cute shots from the last couple of days:

Kinley, are you throwing your stroganoff to Lucy?  (she shakes her
head no)

There's nothing more fun than going cruisin' with
daddy---with M&Ms all over your face!

And one more thing!  My baby brother is 30 today!  Happy Birthday, Jereme!  (even though I know for sure that he's not reading).  Makes me feel so old!

It's Official?

Teething is the devil!  I hate it.  For her--not me.  Her day care lady text'd (is that proper?  No?  Didn't think so.) me during class yesterday telling me that she went down early for nap because she was so miserable with her teeth.  And then she woke up early and needed ibuprofen. Ugh.  Normally, she's an easy teether.  Not this time.  And to be honest, I have no clue where one is even coming in!  I have no idea where to put orajel.  I have no idea where to look because I see nothing.

She had a good night, despite the events--more on that later.  But we gave her more ibuprofen at bedtime just to help her sleep.  And despite that--she had several crying out episodes.  I had a glimpse into my past with a newborn last night.  And this morning, I can't stop yawning.  And I can't have my coffee.  And I am very crabby about that.

So I went to my gyno appointment yesterday.  Got there a little late.  One of my craigslist stroller buyers got stuck in construction (I just love Chicago-land in the summer construction season!) so she really made me late for my whole day.  I had Kage in the car waiting to go and was out showing her how to fold the stroller, etc.  When I got back into the car, I look back at Kage and she says "who's that?"  Plain as day.  And then I started to explain that "she was a lady that bought your stroller for her baby since mommy ordered you a new one."  And then I reminded myself that I'm talking to a 19 month old who probably has no idea what I'm talking about.  Whatever.  So yes, I did order that tangerine stroller....can't wait to get it!

Back to my gyno appointment.  I loved this practice.  They were so welcoming and so nice!  The nurses were great, the receptionist was great, the doctor was great.  I had my records sent to them.  They were very eager and aggressive to get my history and paperwork in so that they could do the proper line of care for my situation.  I have a pretty complicated health history in that area with abnormal results, precancerous cells, different procedures to remove precancerous cells, etc. so they just wanted to be sure that they were doing the right thing by me.  And I totally respected that.

I discussed the removal of the Mirena with the doctor and he agreed that it was probably best to take it out.  He thinks that the complications I am experiencing right now could be caused by an infection and just to err on the side of caution, he thinks it's best to take it out and then "wait and see" what my body does.  I'm okay with that.  But I was still super wishy-washy in the office, so we re booked an appointment for next Thursday to give me time to change my mind.  It's a big deal to remove it--well, not the actual removal, but it's a $900 gadget that you don't want to yank for no reason, know what I mean?  But now I need to find out if the removal is covered by insurance, cause my husband doesn't think it is.  We shall see.

But this whole removal talk with the doctor turned into a time frame for baby number two.  And let me preface by saying that I have been 100% on no more babies.  I was good with that.  Until a few weeks ago.  All of a sudden, I am envisioning another baby in our family.  And I know that it's probably  because things are looking up in our marriage.  But I don't know....  so we discussed it and the doctor feels that I need two months to "come off" of the Mirena.  He wants to give my body 2-3 months to try and naturally get pregnant and then start the Clomid for a maximum of 6 cycles.  If that doesn't work --because of my age--  he wants us to see a specialist right away. 

So I took all of this home to my husband and he was all about it.  I guess that if things continue to look up for us and we continue down the path that we're on....we're hoping to get pregnant right around Kage's 2nd birthday. 

whoa.

With my luck....I'll get pregnant the first month off the Mirena.  Ugh.  But that's the risk I'm willing to take, I guess.

This morning I have to go to the lab for some tests.  He's rechecking me for diabetes--I had gestational diabetes and never followed up after my pregnancy.  Bad Joy!  He's also checking my cholesterol (guess I'm officially old.) and then checking my white cell count to check for an infection from the Mirena.  The diabetes test is a fasting lab, which is why I'm sitting her sans coffee and wanting to cry.  Seriously.

And I have to take Kage with me to the blood draw--with no stroller since I sold them all.  Way to go, Joy.  This is going to be a nightmare.  I pray for a nice nurse to take pity on me and hold her for me while I get jabbed with a needle.  Good thing I'm not scared of those! 

So that's my story about my appointment.  And the official "we're trying to get pregnant with number 2 in a couple of months" post.

My husband created a "porta potty" for Kinley. 

Sleep? Yes, please.

I am so tired, I'm not even sure I can blog properly today.  Not that there is a proper way to blog...right?  But my thoughts are swarming everywhere today.

I was up late.  Really, really late.

I didn't leave for the gym until a little after 9, so by the time I tanned and got to my machine, it was probably close to ten.  And then I had my strength training last night, so it's the late night.  I got home a little after midnight.  And then you can't go right to sleep because your body is all hopped up from the workout.  So I sat up till about 1:00.  Kage actually woke up around 12:30 and cried for a second.  She never does that....but I loved the opportunity for a late night cuddle with her.  She unfortunately only wanted a paci and put back to bed.  Ah well....I tried.

She had her 18 month appointment yesterday.

They stripped her down and did her height/weight and head measurements.  For those wondering:  Head:  18.5, Weight:  21 lbs 7 oz (10th%) and Height:  30.5" (20th%).  She keeps going lower and lower in the percentiles, but the doctor just said that she's petite and not to worry.  She got a great report and everything is going well!  I haven't messed up too bad, I guess.

After the measurements, the nurse asks that I leave her in her diaper until the doctor comes in to do her exam.  OH boy....  you can't just leave my child in her diaper.  She sees it as the perfect opportunity to sharpen her streaking skills.  And she did, and she peed on the floor about seven times.  I put the diaper back on about 5 times before I said screw it and just grabbed paper towels to clean up her pee. 

The doctor walked in saying, "I hear we have a streaker in this room."  Yep, that would  be mine!  Gosh I hope she outgrows this stage soon!

My mom said that she thinks the ripped off of the diaper means that she's getting ready to be potty trained.  I say no way.  She does it because she's not supposed to.  Simple as that.  She is rotten.  But she has started this new thing where she'll just go lay down in her room if she's pooped.  She lays there and waits patiently to be changed.  It's so cute!

And don't you love how her horsey has accessories too, just like my little Diva? 

She got one shot at her 18 month appointment and her doctor presented me with the option of doing the Chicken Pox vaccine.  I turned it down for now while I research it more.  I'm a freak about vaccines and don't just give her "what they suggest" because who are they.  Anyone have any info about the chicken pox vaccine that you can pass on?  Did you do it/not do it?  She claims that the "natural" chicken pox that she could catch is much more aggressive than it was when we were kids.  And she wants me to give it to her....but I'm not sure.  When we first chose her as our pediatrician, it was because she was pro-choice when it came to vaccinations.  Now, she seems to really push them.  I'm not sure that I really like that.  But, I'm not sure that it's a deal breaker to find a new dr either.  Finding a good pediatrician is like finding a good bathing suit.  It's nearly impossible.

She had no reaction for this vaccine yesterday, but she's had it before, so I didn't really expect one.  She took it like a champ. 

And before leaving the appointment, I had to schedule her TWO YEAR appointment.  OMG.  My baby is actually going to turn two.  And soon.  I'm not ready.  I'm so not ready.  Where did my tiny baby go?

I miss her tiny body.  I miss her wrinkley skin.  I miss her soft, silky, dark hair.  I miss her cuddling!  Ugh.  But I still don't have the desire to have another.  I miss her as a baby.  I don't miss "a baby."  And this may seem totally weird, and I know that it's kind of selfish, but I want my only memories of pregnancy and childbirth to be for her and of her.  I want to remember HER in my belly.  I want to remember giving birth to HER.  I want to only have memories of HER as an infant.  Is that crazy?  Our families are not happy with our decision and honestly, I don't think my husband is either.  He wants another.  He wants a boy.  But right now, I'm not.  And that's my right.  Kinley makes me feel whole.  I don't need more.

And why the blog took that direction, I have no idea.

I need to sleep.

Oh, and P.S.  Yesterday, she slept in until 9:45.  That is a world record for her.  No joke.  
Oh, and P.P.S.  Groupon's deal today is 20 bucks at Old Navy for only 10 dollars.  Yea.  Go get one.