It's What You Make of It

So, it's either have a script called in for some Zoloft....or blog.  Blogging is cheaper.  And safer.  And well, easier.

I haven't blogged this entire school year.  Well, I popped in here and there, but really, it's been since the summer that I really sat down to blog.  I have to figure this whole thing out, again.  It's hard to make sense of this spilling your thoughts onto a keyboard thing.  Something that once came so easy to me, now isn't so much.  Remembering that your thoughts are loose and allowed to come out without a filter is something that I've learned to curb over the last 8 months.

My spring break is over.  I had intentions a mile long for this break.  And none of it happened.  I'm feeling a bit down about that.  In my head, spring break was going to be amazing.  Spring break was going to be huge for me.  Big changes, getting ahead, figuring things out, feeling on top of my game.  None of it.

I've been on a weight loss kick.  Cause, you know, I love failure.  I started with a program through Kinley's pediatrician.  Yes, I said her pediatrician.  I know....makes no sense.  Her doctor is a homeopathic practioner and she sees everyone.  But technically, she's a pediatrician.  She is on a weightloss venture herself, so she decided to open up her journey and hire a nutrition coach to help us along.  So why not?! It's a regimen of shakes, some nutritional supplements and diet.  Supposed to be exercise too, but yeah, I've not gotten that far.

I see the nutritionist every couple of weeks, for menu help and accountability.  But let's face it....it's slow going.  I am so discouraged.  I am totally the kind of girl that needs instant gratification, if I'm going to stick to something.  I'm down 7 pounds.  Yes, that's it.  My husband has been doing the diet and shakes with me (no supplements or nutritionist meetings) and he's down like, 12.  It's so not fair.  He can eat Mc Donald's twice a day and still lose.  True, he's got a super active job, and I teach....but still.  It's so not fair. 

So over spring break, I had these huge ideas.  Initially, I wanted to travel solo.  I need a break:  from life.  From the everyday.  I wanted to head to the Myrtle Beach area.  Why?  Well, because who doesn't want to retreat to a Nicholas Sparks based novel.  Right?  Yeah, I am that shallow.  But on this solo trip, I envisioned this amazing 14 hour drive, alone, blaring listening to my music (not Three Little Ducks or The Cat Came Back), stopping when I want to stop and seeing what I want to see.  Upon arrival to my Nichaolas Sparks novel setting, I envisioned staying in a little room near a beach.  I would do nothing but sight see, run, read, rest, run, rest, eat yummy food and read some more.  I envisioned this being my agenda for about three days before driving home feeling refreshed and renewed in life.

When I see her smile like this, all is perfect in my world.  :)

In her world, blue ice cream with sprinkles and "nim nims" make everything perfect.

Instead, I did three days in the Dells with the fam.  Was it nice?  Sure.  Did I make amazing memories with the family?  Sure.  Do I feel that renewed sense of self that I so desperately needed?  Not at all.  So yeah....I wrap up this spring break feeling the slightest resentment (at myself)....as I knew I would.  I need to be my own advocate.

My break wasn't all bad...I did get highlights in my hair.  I got my eye doctor appointment done, and ordered new glasses (my current pair is about 4, maybe 5 years old).  I balanced our check book and cleaned the house.  But aside from that, my feet have yet to hit the pavement (thank you, Mother Nature, for the rainy and cold weather), I haven't picked up a book and the only "rest" I have had is at midnight when I sit up thinking about the things that I wanted to get away from.  Yes, pity party for one, please.

The whole running thing stems from the fact that I volunteered to co-coach the 5th grade running club.  Yeah, the girl that can barely walk the block without becoming winded.  Running Club.  Hold me!  This is going to be rough.  So my goal was to build my stamina over spring break.  Didn't happen.

I think that most moms feel that strong desire to just get away.  Or, I hope they do.  I sure would feel like a mommy fail if I am the only one that just wants a break. 

My plan didn't work out.  So I'm working to make the best of it. 

Kinley and I had some great bonding time and we really had fun together.  She had a play date yesterday with a co-worker's little girl.  She had so much fun.  Last night, we went to her swimming class and today her ballet lesson.  Being a mom sometimes is more than you ever dreamed that you bargained for, but it's a life that I can't imagine doing anything else.

School is over in just about 7 weeks.  I then have my summer break to get back on top of things, feel renewed, become the mommy that my little girl deserves and get the ball back in my court.  We have a renewed zoo membership to use and I am hoping to spend a lot of time outside with my baby girl.  My feet will hit the pavement and I will become a runner.  Somehow, someway.  :)

She grew up...

How did it happen?  Or better question may be, when did it happen? 

On Friday, I was driving home from work and spending my hour commute zoned out in lala land...letting my car go on auto pilot.  I was lost in my memories from December 11, 2009.  The day when I became a mom.  The day that I learned what real worry and real love really meant.  It was the day that will forever be ingrained in my mind as the day I grew up.  The best day of my life...even though the most scary day of my life.

I remember my doctor saying that she'll break my water at noon, and at 11:45 my husband ran down to the hospital cafeteria to grab some food, knowing it would be the last time he would be able to eat for a long while.  He barely made it back up before my water was broken.

I then spent an hour in the whirlpool tub, feeling real contractions and thinking I was going to die.

Another hour went by and I finally got my epidural.

My mom finally made it to the hospital and we all hung out just waiting for the time to push.

Took me only 43 minutes to push her out.

And then she was rushed away to the NICU after laying eyes on her for a few short seconds.  I remember those seconds as a whirlwind of panic, fear, excitement, sadness....I think that was really the only moment in my life where I could honestly say I felt every human emotion rolled into one.

It wasn't until several hours later that I would lay eyes on my sweet baby girl.  The one who had been kicking me and rolling inside me all of those months before.  That sweet girl that I had yearned for, for so long. 
My daughter.

The days following her birth, I honestly have a hard time remembering.  We roomed in at the hospital for the duration of her NICU stay.  I spent my days at her side and pumping my boobs for her nourishment.  It was the closest I could get to her...and the least that I could do.

This time seems like it was just yesterday.

But it was really almost two years ago.  Two years.  Has it really been that long?  Is she really that big?  How did it go so fast?  I feel like I blinked and my baby grew up.  Did I miss it?  Did I enjoy it as much as I should  have?  Did I cherish every moment?

We have been working so hard on the pacifier weaning...  it's sort of been our mission.  We got it down to bed time only in the last couple of weeks.  We were proud of that.

And then this weekend, I realized something. 

She is "big" now.  She gets things that I don't give her credit for.  She comprehends.  She understands.

I can talk to her.  I can explain to her.  I can tell her what is happening.

And so I did.

At bedtime tonight, we did our story time and read four or five books and then she gave grandma and grandpa kisses and love (they are in town this weekend).  She ran in to the kitchen to her paci bowl and I picked her up and showed her that it was empty, aside from a lonely M&M (which we put there earlier).  I told her that the paci had to go bye-bye to another baby.  I explained that she is a big girl now and doesn't need it anymore.  I explained that only baby's need the paci and paci went to live with another baby.  And then I told her that paci left her a treat instead. 

She pondered for a second.

Snatched up the mini M&M (I don't give her the regular sized ones just yet) and put it in her mouth.  I sat her down and she ran to her room.

We said prayers.  She gave us kisses.  She went to sleep.

She grew up.

How do you do it?

Today is one of those days where I seriously question my ability to be a mom of more than one. 

Breathe.

I just keep reminding myself to breathe.

To you moms out there...you know that sickening, deep-down, weird feeling you get when you just *know* that not all is well with your baby?  She's fussy.  She seems uncomfortable.  She doesn't want to play.  She doesn't want held.  She doesn't want to nap.  She doesn't want to watch her favorite shows.  She doesn't want to eat.  She doesn't want anything.

And then she has a -down both legs blow out- and you realize, ahhhh!  Maybe her tummy hurts?

But even that doesn't make sense because then she eats a big lunch.

I'm filled with worry for her today because something just doesn't seem right in her world. 

I am so thankful that she was finally able to close those sweet blue eyes and get some rest.  For her sanity and mine.  I pray and pray and pray that she'll wake up all renewed and refreshed.

But how do you moms of more than one do it?  How can your mind and heart handle so much worry?  I sometimes worry that I won't be able to handle it. 

I so wish I could go back to bed and wake up with a do-over.

A perfect moment

I laid her into her crib after her lunch of three chicken nuggets (home style, not Mickey D style), mixed vegetables and stuffing.  The girl loves stuffing. 

She fussed and then got very upset and started calling for "ma ma, ma ma"....

There may be a lot of things in life that I can get over...but that tiny little "ma ma, ma ma" coming from inside her four walls is not one of them.

I rushed back in and scooped her up into my arms.  She laid her tiny little head on my left shoulder and wrapped her tiny legs and arms around me. 

We fell down into the glider in her room and we rocked.

Her white noise machine was on and the rain forest sound soother was playing the gentle rainfall sounds....and we rocked.

I laid her down into my arms so that I could see her little face and see her tiny nose.  I wanted to count her every eyelash so not to miss one.  I watched her little mouth wrapped around her beloved pacifier.  Her tiny hand was grasping my shirt collar.

Everything in those moments are perfect.

She breathes so softly and I just hold her so close. 

I never want to forget the way it feels when I hold her in my arms....and the way it feels to see her baby body curled up on my lap.

She knows that in my arms, there is nothing to fear. 

I cherish that, I cherish her.