Here We Go...

It's opening weekend for duck season.  Which translates to it being a Kinley/Mommy weekend.  I keep thinking that the days will get easier the older she gets, but truth be told, it just stays difficult in a different way. 

It's report card time.  I have so much work to catch up on, and a three year old is not sensitive to those needs at all.  I was a totally bad mom and had the TV babysit her most of Saturday.  Judge me.  Don't care much.

Today, her cheer practice was cancelled so I decided to take her to my mom's group Halloween party.  I paid out the nose for her costume, I might as well get as much use out of it as I can!  Overall, it went pretty well.  She only bullied once!  From that party, we went to the local high school for their National Honor Society's read in.  The students dressed in costume and read to the students.  They had pumpkin painting, face painting (her absolute favorite) and games.  It was really a cute set up.  But, we left a hot mess.  She was being mean and not listening....running through the halls with me chasing behind her.  Ugh!  Such glamorous times as a mommy!

I know I've been MIA from this blogging thing, so many things that I hit on in posts will be in bits and pieces.  We are obviously having issues with behavior with Ms. Kage.  She's a bit of a bully.  I blame us, 100%.  We've given in to her every desire and basically worshipped the ground she walks on for almost four years.  We are paying dearly for that now.

I say that she has only child syndrome, but it's not an excuse.  She's a mean girl.  I fear how she will turn out once hormones hit.  We're working diligently to fix our mistakes.  It's so not easy.  Her expectations are ridiculous.  Way to go, us.  I am hoping to find a nice balance of showing her our love but making her a loving child at the same time.  I know it's possible...but it's a lot of work to fix a mess that's been in the making for so long.

Don't get me wrong here.  She's not a naughty bully all of the time.  It peaks right around nap time.  And when she doesn't get that nap.  But we have days where it can go all day.  Ugh.  Those days.

So yeah, that's been a steady battle for us lately. 

Work is hard.  H.A.R.D.    Teaching is great.  The paperwork and data collection, not great.  I will admit, teaching is not what I thought it would be.  Or how I watched my elementary teachers do it.  I feel like I am there teaching for 7 hours and then I have to use about 5 hours beyond that to collect data and organize it.  Add that to my wife and mommy role and you get one exhausted lady.  Here we are finishing the first quarter and I feel like it should be May.  I question how I will survive!  I am so thankful for my teaching team.  They are my lifelines, for sure.

And did I mention that we have a new house?  We bought it and moved in right after the fourth of July.  It's so fantastic.  We love, love, love it.  I can finally say that everything is painted.  That was insane.  Why I didn't hire it out is beyond me.  Most rooms have super high ceilings and that makes it so not fun to paint.  We didn't do the ceilings....so that will be hired out.  For sure.  We put a deadline on ourselves with this home improvement stuff.  Kinley's birthday party is December 7th, so we want to be done by then.  Or with the first round of improvements:  paint, furniture, major decor.  So yeah, painting is done.  Dining room is mostly done.  I have a lot of windows in need of covering, but what to do with them completely eludes me.  And I'm okay with that right now.  My plate overflows with everything else in life.  There is no room for windows.

For the first time in about...oh, seven years, I feel settled.  When my life crashed with my divorce, I was left feeling changed.  I felt like I couldn't grow roots or feel settled anywhere.  It was a feeling that I could not get past.  It left me searching for something, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  I still don't know what it was, but that feeling is gone.  The emptiness, the loss, the longing...it's gone.  I think that it was having a home.  A real home.  That's what I needed to feel complete again.  So this home has fulfilled so many voids and answered so many prayers.  Kinley loves her home and we love coming home here.  It was a good thing for us.

We are in a good place right now.  Things are moving in the right direction at the right pace.  I have hope for us again. 

Wrap It Up

My last day of spring break was the warm break that I longed for.  We had temps in the 70s and the sun finally came out for more than an hour.  The day was screaming ZOO! 

Kage was very excited and actually wanted to see all of the exhibits.  Last year, she wanted to see one or two and that was the extent of it.  Granted, she only wanted to see each animal for about 2 minutes before moving on...but it's progress.

We spent the majority of the day there and the weather just got better as the day went on.  It was a good day. 

When we got home, we spent time outside.  I decided to look through some of our boxes in the garage.  We never fully unpacked when we moved into this house.  It's still too temporary for me.  But it was a little bit like Christmas to see some of our stuff that I haven't seen in six or so months.  Kin rode her bike, her car, her other bike...the child has an abundance of outside toys.  You'd think we spent more time out than we do.  But no, she's just an only child and hasn't a need in this world.

Our weekend wrapped up with a nice grilled steak dinner and "marsh-pillows" on our backyard fire pit.  So relaxing!

Just before it was time to put Kage to bed, I decided to just buck up and get the running shoes on.  Despite being totally freaked out by our neighborhood, I ran.  I didn't make it too far....but I feel that I broke through that first time.  And maybe the second time won't be so hard.  And the third....

Happy Monday to you!  I will be blessed to corral 26 5th graders on the first day back from Spring Break!  Good times!

It's the Age? I hope....

I am so excited to be a mommy to a little girl.  Long hair, pink clothes, princesses, dresses, hair bows, dress-up, nails done, hair appointments, ballet....all of those fun girlie things that little girls bring to your life.

Since starting at this new pre-school, Kinley had really taken to these two {rowdy} boys in her class.  Okay, so every boy seems rowdy to me.  She just adores Danny and Nicolas.  She thinks they are the coolest.

So, I guess I can thank them for my little girl's love for talking about chicken poop.

Everything is chicken poop.

Kinley, what do you want for dinner?  Chicken Poop.

What do you want to wear today?  Chicken Poop.

What did you say?  Chicken Poop.

Want to take a bath?  In Chicken Poop?

What do you want to play?  In Chicken Poop.

And to make things even more fun....

We have a new phrase that she's brought into the house.  What does she want to eat?  Chicken Poop and Pee Sauce.

Three year olds are so fun!

I will continue dressing her girlie for as long as she lets me!  :)

It's What You Make of It

So, it's either have a script called in for some Zoloft....or blog.  Blogging is cheaper.  And safer.  And well, easier.

I haven't blogged this entire school year.  Well, I popped in here and there, but really, it's been since the summer that I really sat down to blog.  I have to figure this whole thing out, again.  It's hard to make sense of this spilling your thoughts onto a keyboard thing.  Something that once came so easy to me, now isn't so much.  Remembering that your thoughts are loose and allowed to come out without a filter is something that I've learned to curb over the last 8 months.

My spring break is over.  I had intentions a mile long for this break.  And none of it happened.  I'm feeling a bit down about that.  In my head, spring break was going to be amazing.  Spring break was going to be huge for me.  Big changes, getting ahead, figuring things out, feeling on top of my game.  None of it.

I've been on a weight loss kick.  Cause, you know, I love failure.  I started with a program through Kinley's pediatrician.  Yes, I said her pediatrician.  I know....makes no sense.  Her doctor is a homeopathic practioner and she sees everyone.  But technically, she's a pediatrician.  She is on a weightloss venture herself, so she decided to open up her journey and hire a nutrition coach to help us along.  So why not?! It's a regimen of shakes, some nutritional supplements and diet.  Supposed to be exercise too, but yeah, I've not gotten that far.

I see the nutritionist every couple of weeks, for menu help and accountability.  But let's face it....it's slow going.  I am so discouraged.  I am totally the kind of girl that needs instant gratification, if I'm going to stick to something.  I'm down 7 pounds.  Yes, that's it.  My husband has been doing the diet and shakes with me (no supplements or nutritionist meetings) and he's down like, 12.  It's so not fair.  He can eat Mc Donald's twice a day and still lose.  True, he's got a super active job, and I teach....but still.  It's so not fair. 

So over spring break, I had these huge ideas.  Initially, I wanted to travel solo.  I need a break:  from life.  From the everyday.  I wanted to head to the Myrtle Beach area.  Why?  Well, because who doesn't want to retreat to a Nicholas Sparks based novel.  Right?  Yeah, I am that shallow.  But on this solo trip, I envisioned this amazing 14 hour drive, alone, blaring listening to my music (not Three Little Ducks or The Cat Came Back), stopping when I want to stop and seeing what I want to see.  Upon arrival to my Nichaolas Sparks novel setting, I envisioned staying in a little room near a beach.  I would do nothing but sight see, run, read, rest, run, rest, eat yummy food and read some more.  I envisioned this being my agenda for about three days before driving home feeling refreshed and renewed in life.

When I see her smile like this, all is perfect in my world.  :)

In her world, blue ice cream with sprinkles and "nim nims" make everything perfect.

Instead, I did three days in the Dells with the fam.  Was it nice?  Sure.  Did I make amazing memories with the family?  Sure.  Do I feel that renewed sense of self that I so desperately needed?  Not at all.  So yeah....I wrap up this spring break feeling the slightest resentment (at myself)....as I knew I would.  I need to be my own advocate.

My break wasn't all bad...I did get highlights in my hair.  I got my eye doctor appointment done, and ordered new glasses (my current pair is about 4, maybe 5 years old).  I balanced our check book and cleaned the house.  But aside from that, my feet have yet to hit the pavement (thank you, Mother Nature, for the rainy and cold weather), I haven't picked up a book and the only "rest" I have had is at midnight when I sit up thinking about the things that I wanted to get away from.  Yes, pity party for one, please.

The whole running thing stems from the fact that I volunteered to co-coach the 5th grade running club.  Yeah, the girl that can barely walk the block without becoming winded.  Running Club.  Hold me!  This is going to be rough.  So my goal was to build my stamina over spring break.  Didn't happen.

I think that most moms feel that strong desire to just get away.  Or, I hope they do.  I sure would feel like a mommy fail if I am the only one that just wants a break. 

My plan didn't work out.  So I'm working to make the best of it. 

Kinley and I had some great bonding time and we really had fun together.  She had a play date yesterday with a co-worker's little girl.  She had so much fun.  Last night, we went to her swimming class and today her ballet lesson.  Being a mom sometimes is more than you ever dreamed that you bargained for, but it's a life that I can't imagine doing anything else.

School is over in just about 7 weeks.  I then have my summer break to get back on top of things, feel renewed, become the mommy that my little girl deserves and get the ball back in my court.  We have a renewed zoo membership to use and I am hoping to spend a lot of time outside with my baby girl.  My feet will hit the pavement and I will become a runner.  Somehow, someway.  :)

Christmas Traditions

When we expanded our family and welcomed Miss Kinley Grace into our lives, we held tight to one major rule:  We would always be home for Christmas.  We both live a decent distance from our families.  Mine is about 3 ish hours south and his is about 5 ish hours south.  We are lessening our travel as the months go by, which is good.  But we almost always are on the road for holidays.  We are the ones to travel.  Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving.... and Christmas.  But our rule of being home for Christmas is number one.  We will travel to celebrate before the holiday or after, but Kinley wakes up on Christmas morning in her own house.  Not too much to ask, no?

Last year wasn't too bad.  She was super young, didn't care too much about the gifts.  We opened presents and then traveled to my parents house around lunch time.  This year, it will be different.  My in-laws are going on a cruise, so we won't celebrate with them until after the new year.  My family is celebrating the Sunday before.  This is the first time (since Kinley) that we have no where to be on Christmas day.

At first, I was a little sad.  But then I realized what a golden opportunity I had before us.  We can start our traditions this year.  What do we want Christmas day to be like for Kinley?  What traditions do we want to carry on year after year?  What do we remember from our childhood that just made the day "Christmas!" 

So with that, we started to discuss making a big Christmas dinner.  Yes, it's just the three of us, and well, what's the point....but the point is that it is our family.  We deserve just as much a celebration--even if there are only three of us.  I still get kind of teary thinking of not being with our families on Christmas day, but I want to be home.  That trumps all.

We have hopes that someday the families will travel up here to spend the holidays with us (at least some of the holidays) but until then...Christmas will be ours.  And spending it in a car is not how we want to spend the day.

What we're thinking, so far, is visiting a new church for midnight mass (why not break it in on the busiest night of the year!), a special cinnamon roll breakfast after opening presents, watching a Christmas movie together, preparing a nice meal (ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, green beans, deviled eggs.....you get the idea) and then.....  we're not sure what.  That's where the blog community comes in.  Help me plan a day to remember....

What is the timeline of your Christmas day?  Do you have a special breakfast?  Do you prepare a big meal?  What dish is special for Christmas day?  Do you watch special movies?  I'm open for ideas and suggestions!

Have Faith

 

I pulled out the sweater that is the closest to green that I own...it's totally a "teacher sweater" but I don't care.  Yesterday afternoon, I went in to school to work on my plans for the week.  It's something that I've done almost every weekend since late August.  I actually enjoy the solitude of a silent school building.  But yesterday, I needed Richie to come with me.  I needed the extra strength of someone there with me.

 

 

He walked me in and get me situated in my classroom.  My classroom is the first room on the left past the office.  He had me step out of my classroom to see how much of me or my door could be seen from the office, just in case.  We discussed the lock down plan that my school has in place and how I could make it safer for my students.  After some time, we agreed that I was okay for him to go and run an errand.  So he left, and I stayed in that solitude.

 

 

I couldn't work.  I stared out the tiny rectangular glass window in my classroom door.  I stared as if I were waiting and watching.  I heard noises that normally wouldn't make me think twice.  I texted Richie to tell him that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be alone there.

 

 

This is a room where I have spent countless hours.  I have spent many nights, weekends, holidays.  This is a room full of life and color and love.  But that day, it was empty.

 

 

As I got ready for work today, I couldn't help but think of the teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary that started their Friday in much the same way.  Thinking of their plans for the day.  Seeing the students that you call your own.  Making plans for the holiday...asking yourself if you got everything that was on your list.  They didn't see this coming.  None of us did.

 

 

We teach.  We aren't soldiers.  We have hearts and love for the students that walk into our classroom and trust us with their precious minds.  We aren't programmed to handle the stress and fear that comes with the job nowadays. 

 

 

Our school is holding an emergency meeting today, to discuss how things will be changed and affected since Sandy Hook.  I was happy to have my family to hold close this weekend in the fall of this tragedy.  But today, I can't help but look forward to seeing my other 27 children that I hold dear to my heart as well.  Children whom I would go to the ends of the earth to protect.  I want to be there to allow their sense of security and safety to rebuild.  To rebuild my own sense of security and safety. 

 

 

Right now, it's shattered.  Being home alone while Kage is silently sleeping (in my bed) makes me fear the unknown.  What happened to the United States?  The people are not supposed to live with this fear.  The fear that one of our own will turn on us. A silent face in the crowd.

 

 

My husband kissed me an extra time this morning, and hugged me before he left.  He's afraid too.  I'm not sure how long it will take to feel secure again, but I look forward to a day where I don't fear going out and taking my baby with me.  I look forward to a world that I can have faith in again.

 

 

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims.  So close to Christmas, their loved ones were taken away.  The Christmas tree will be a reminder of this tragic loss.  The gifts have been purchased, their beds lay empty.  Their rooms still have the crumpled PJs on the floor from the night before.  Their favorite cereal is in the pantry.  Their toys still on the floor.  I couldn't handle it.  I'm sure they haven't slept--haven't eaten--haven't breathed a breath without regret for what they wish they could have or would have said if they had only known.

 

 

 

Today I'm wearing my green and white to honor those lost at Sandy Hook Elementary, my thoughts are with you.

A story in pictures

She swears that Lucy did it.  Clever dog.

Thanks for the reminder...but I didn't need one.

For those of you following along at home...

Yes, that says 3 weeks late.  I am so beyond frustrated.  And tired of sex.  We are trying to catch the ovulation but it's just seeming a bit impossible.  I mean, it's been weeks of "it could be any day now!"  And well, we're still waiting and trying.  Yeah.

And ovulation tests don't work for me.  I tried them one cycle in the past and had over 2 weeks of positive results and still no period. 

And I think that someone with a mean sense of humor sent me this from Enfamil.  Not that I've ever used formula, or would consider it, but still.  Not funny, Enfamil.  Thanks for the reminder that I'm *not* pregnant.  Anyone need Emfamil checks?  They sent me those too. 

Bitter Baby

There is nothing like a good old pity party to bring you back to your blog.  I'm just going to cut to the chase here....someone got pregnant and it wasn't me.  Story of my life, or so it seems in this self pity state.  Let me preface this by saying that I know how blessed we are to already have one.  A wonderful, beautiful, healthy little girl (who is three now, by the way).  I don't take that for granted (and I hate when people say that they take something for granite.) for one second.  Neither of us do.  And yes, I was all "one is enough" or "we are satisfied as a family of three" for a very long time.  That, has now, changed. 

I want another baby so bad. 

Kinley wants another baby, so bad.

She wants a "brudder."

We've been "trying" for a few months now.  But after the first couple, we realized that we weren't really trying but more hoping. 

I mean, we've never prevented, but we weren't really trying either.  Without getting all TMI on you, lets just say that we didn't do things as often as someone would if they were in fact "trying."

So on a whim, I got this text from the hubs that says, "I think we need to actively start trying again."

Ummm, wha huh?

I responded to him that we were, actively trying.

It was him that reminded me that we in fact, weren't.  And he was right.

So here we are back on the band wagon and on month cycle two.  If only I had regular cycles.  No joke, my cycles range from 96-ish days to 35-ish days.  Yeah.  How am I supposed to work with that?

I have the app that is supposed to help us know when those special days are...but according to the app, I was fertile three weeks ago--and I'm now fertile again for the next cycle.  Ugh.  So frustrating.

According to this app, I am 18 days late.  Normally, that would have every woman running for the "Family Planning" aisle at the closest Walgreens. 

For us, it's causes zero concern. 

And that makes me mad. 

I want the excitement of the "what if!?" and I want to anticipation of OMG, I'm late!  But nope, no cause for concern.  I have the log of all of my cycles and my cycle this time last year, was 96 days long.  So yeah.

I have zero symptoms of being pregnant, and zero symptoms of starting a period any time soon.  I have so had it.

I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, and Kinley just had her third birthday.  Our window of opportunity is closing, quickly.  We truly don't want a huge gap in our children's ages.  And I don't want to face the health risks of an ahem older pregnancy.

So back to my pity party....another blogger just announced her pregnancy.  Baby #2.  They decided four months ago that it was time to expand their family.  Boom, bang.  Done.

Must be nice.

I am bitter.  Allow me to be bitter.  I'll get over it sooner than later.

Where to start...

My last blog was posted July 31.  Almost four months ago.  Wow.  You don't even know how many times I had something happen that made me think, "wow, that would be an excellent blog!"  and then life continued happening and it never got written.

I guess a good place to start would be to look back on the last thing that I updated...but who has time for that.  I have my {almost} three year old in bed screaming at her babies to "lay down and go nigh-night!" but forgetting to take her own advice.  Yeah, I know that it's already 10:30 and I'll have one heck of a morning fight tomorrow when it's time to rouse her for day care.  We got in from a three night stay away from home only about two hours ago.  Since then, it's been mad dash cleaning and preparing for the week ahead.  It's a short one indeed, with thanks to Veteran's Day, but the short weeks always seem longer.  I traded my rare "alone time" with the hubs for thirty minutes of blog time.  Good trade-off?  We'll see.  I guess it will depend on how well my thoughts flow from this jumbled mind of mine onto the keyboard.

So, I got a job.  I am teaching 5th grade in the same school where I student taught.  I was hired about two weeks before school started.  From the second I got the phone call, I have been working non-stop.  The room was in disarray when I was hired.  The teacher that I replaced moved to Florida and only had time to grab her most personal belongings.  I fared well with that because I walked into a nearly furnished classroom.  Well....nearly.  I still had so much work to do.  Because all that she did leave, was scattered EVERYWHERE.  So in the matter of a day, we had to get Kage back into a day care and me into work.  Huge life change.

After two days of cleaning.

 

I had the best moving crew!

Once I met my students, I realized I had my work cut out for me.  Twenty-eight fabulous students all in my hands....and I love every minute of it.  But, being a first year teacher (at an unfamiliar grade level) leaves me busier than ever.  I work about 11 hours a day.  And weekends. 

Hence, the lack of blogging.

Any spare moments that I find, I give to my family.  My evenings are precious.  My baby and my super supportive husband deserve more of me than the blog did.  That's what it comes down to.

You understand, right?

It's almost impossible to fill you in on the last four months.  Impossible.  But here's a run down of a few things that come to mind:
(if you know me at all, you are so not surprised by the bullets)

• We moved.  We now live about 15 minutes from my school, 10 minutes from her day care.  It's a nice(r) three bedroom/two bath/2 car garage home.  Still a rental but one stop closer to buying.  And we're out of our cracker box apartment.
• Kage is now in a home day care.  And we love, love, love it.
• Kage has fully potty trained.  (yesssssssss!)
• We took our first family "vacation" to the Wisconsin Dells in October.

• We fell off of our budget band-wagon, but are slowly climbing back on.  Ugh, this has been a difficult one to face.
• Kinley got her first bicycle (or Ride-a-cycle, as she calls it.)

• We celebrated Halloween with the cutest Minnie Mouse you ever did see!



 



In addition to all of those highlights, I feel like I have changed so much since I last considered myself a "blogger."  I have been allowed the opportunity to reevaluate my time with my family.  I feel like Richie and I get along easier, or maybe that depends on the day.  :)  But overall, I guess I just feel more settled knowing that I'm doing a job that I love, and one that I worked so hard to get.  The time that I am "off" is more valuable than ever before.  Stay-at-home moms have it rough, but so do working moms.  I've been blessed to play both sides and I honestly couldn't tell you which one I enjoy more.  They both have their perks!

 

I'm not sure when to say that I'll find time to blog again, because I honestly don't know....but I am hoping to get back to it more regularly.  I miss my little therapy sessions!  I look forward to reading up on my favorite blogs to see what everyone has been up to since I've been gone!

 

Till then... 

Jumping Up and Down and Screaming A Little

I just got called for an interview!  I am so excited, I could scream!  It's for a 5th grade position...and while I don't have experience in that grade level, I am so ready for the challenge!  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!  It's next Tuesday morning....let the preparation begin!

In No Particular Order

You know how it goes, I get busy and take a mini-hiatus on the blog thing and then the only way to ease back into things is by bulleting.  There is so much to say and my mind (and Type A) surely can't tackle the organizing of thoughts this early in the morning...so here we go....

• Had my family in town Friday through Monday.  Kinley is now thoroughly spoiled rotten.  It was cramped quarters, big time, in our cracker box apartment, but we survived.
• I had an interview for a teachers aide in a school district where I really, really, really want to work.  But I don't know how confident I feel...my interviewing skills suck.  But I'm working on that.  And I think what will really hurt me is that I want to be a teacher and therefore will not be a long term person for their position.  And they want long term.  :(
• I have got to buckle down on my budget.  I was We were bad with our finances in July.  Well, the end of July, anyway.  We were using our debit cards and that is such a no-no.  I am tempted to take them out of our wallets to reduce temptation.  
• I just realized that it's after 9 and Kin is still sleeping.  Guess that's expected when she was up till 11:00 because "a wolf was trying to get her in her room."  Uh huh.  That's started.
• The yard sale that we're joining with friends is this weekend.  I have to buckle down and finish going through our stuff.
• School starts in roughly 2-4 weeks in our area.  Ugh!  When do the interview calls start?
• My hubby took Monday off to watch Kinley during my interview and now my days of the week are all jacked up!  I even commented yesterday that I was shocked that the bank inside the grocery store was open on a Sunday.  He kindly reminded me that it was in fact, Monday.  So today is my Tuesday Monday.  
• I am so excited that today is ballet day!  I love going and socializing with the other dance mommies!