Anchored In

I answered Joliet because that was where I felt the most anchored.  The most protected.  The most safe.  The most secure.  The most rooted.  The most permanent.  It was home.

Kind of funny, isn't it?  I felt safe and secure....  But I did.  At one point in time.  For a very long time, actually. 

I had roots there.  I had permanence. 

Permanence is such a huge thing.  HUGE.

And what was the hardest thing to grasp, is that I don't have that now.

We are living temporary.  Short term.  Right now.

It's no wonder that I feel so uneasy and feel the need to just grab at anything.

My error has been to search for an anchor, to hold me still and hold me steady, in someone else.  I think I could safely say that I was raised that way.  I was "groomed" to look for that stability in someone else.

Now, it's time to look inward.  It's time to hold myself accountable.  Time to be my own anchor.

And while I have some amazingly great things going for me in my life right now, there are a few things that need a lot of work.  This is one of them.

So now I start on the journey of figuring out what this means.  How do I fill the void of permanence?  How do I make myself feel anchored?

I don't see Dr. Laura for a month.  We have my family coming up for a visit and then we'll be moving....so I have several weeks to roll this "anchor" idea in my mind.  To take hold of what it means, to me.  To figure out what to do and where to go with it. 

And while I don't expect it to be fixed and all better in four weeks, or four months for that matter, I do plan to be working on it until I can say that I am feeling somewhat more comfortable with holding myself accountable.  And trusting myself...enough so that I can count on myself to be there if no one else is.

What's good for the goose....

Take a look at these examples, taken from UrbanDictionary.com. 

Example 1:  A) A group of girls see a male walking through a mall. They think he is attractive, and make comments about his butt, abs, or crotch and giggle loudly. ACCEPTABLE

B) A group of boys see a female walking through a mall. They think she is attractive, and make comments about her butt, abs, or breasts while laughing. LABELED AS PIGS WHO ARE ACTING INAPPROPRIATE, TREATING THE GIRL LIKE AN OBJECT

Example 2:  A) A married woman does not have a job because she feels that it is the mans place to support his family and survives on his paycheck. ACCEPTABLE

B) A married man does not have a job because he feels that it is the woman's place to support her family and survives on her paycheck. LABELED AS AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HIS WIFE

What's good for the goose is good for the gander?  Do we treat others the way that we want to be treated?

Last week, the bestie and I were on the phone having a conversation about nothing...I was living vicariously through her adventures in single-land...secretly, relieved that my life is now about being in bed before 10:00 on a weekend.  Her and I were dishing about a friend that she met and has hung out with a few times.  So here's the story:

She offered to give the friend a ride home at the end of the night.  They were in the city (at different bars) and it was easier to just carpool home.  No big deal.  Well, end of the night comes, she texts the friend that the bus is leaving.  Headed home. Come now or miss your ride.

No response.

So she thinks, well, maybe they hooked up or something and don't need a ride home.  Could of happened.  Whatever, so she went home.

I'll stop the story there.  Cause really, that's as far as I have to go to make my point.

I ask her...."and you're okay with the friend hooking up? Like, with someone else?"

She says, "yeah, why?"

Ummmm, okay, enter psycho Joy.  The Joy that back in the single days, would *so* not be okay with that.  Okay, so even the married Joy still would not be okay with that.  Not that I'd be in the situation, but you know what I mean.  I haven't changed that much.

Let's dissect.

You're hanging out with a new guy.  He's currently in the friend status--maybe just beyond that.  But totally not defined as "boyfriend" or "relationship."

Would you be okay with him "hooking up" with someone else?

Me?  Not a chance.

Her?  Absolutely.

But hoooooooowwwww?  I ask her.

She answers:  "Well, shouldn't it be okay for me to hook up with someone if I met a totally awesome guy?" 
I answer:  "Well, yeah, you two aren't an item.  So why not!?"

BUSTED.

Joy lives in a double standard world.

I don't want to live in the double standard world.

I have always known that I had a tendency to view life through this bad, bad point of view.  But geez....it's worse than I thought.

My husband and I don't really have too many issues with this, cause we're both wading through the double standard way of living and I guess have just adapted.

But I'm done.  I don't want to live here anymore.  I want to explore life on the other side.  The side where things are fair.  And where things are equal.

How do you fix your way of thinking when it's so warped?  Can I read a book?  Pray?  Talk to Dr. Laura?  And if I work on myself about this, will my husband do it as well?  Cause what good is it to "get better" when he's not going to do the same?

Just imagine how much better life could be if everyone took a step back and self-analyzed their own behaviors. 

Oh, and the friend didn't hook up with anyone.  His phone was dead.  Thank goodness....cause I would have *freaked* out.  :)

So, when I asked my bestie if she minded me using our conversation as a platform for a blog, she asked that I put this disclaimer:

She's not perfect.

But I think she is.

And just to add:  I "polled" (via text) ten of my contacts and all but two admit to having double standards about at least one thing.  Which I guess is something I didn't consider.  When I think of double standards (at least in this case) I think of it as in male/females in a relationship.  I was reminded that there are *so many* situations in life where double standards are prevalent.  Kind of overwhelming.

Something that the bestie said to me:  the best way to show someone the way that you want to be treated....is to treat them in that exact way.  Show them the respect that you want to be given. 

Run Forest, Run

I am a ball of nerves!  Today I'm going to visit the home day care where Kinley will be starting NEXT WEEK.  Well, not technically "starting" next week....but she's going there for two half days next week.  But then the following week, she's going two FULL days! 

I have not left my baby more than a handful of times in her (almost) 13 months of life.  Knowing that I have to be away from her for a full day, twice a week, is almost too much.  My anxiety is through the roof.

There is no doubt that she's going to be in great hands.  I was very choosy with her provider.  But no one compares to mommy's care.  Trust me, I know how fortunate I have been to be her only caregiver for the last 12 months.  I don't take that for granted for one second.  And I know that I can't keep it just her and I forever.  Eventually she's going to want to be away from me.  She's going to be so excited to go to "day care" and play with the two little boys there.  The new toys, new environment.  It's me.  I'm scared.  Not her.

I guess it's more than just her going to day care.  Her going to day care also means that I am going back to school.  That is scary.  I've been out for so long.  What if I've forgotten the ropes?  What if everything has changed and I don't know what I'm doing?  I don't even know if I'll remember how to write a lesson plan!  What if they have changed how lesson plans are written?!  Now I understand why they don't encourage leaving mid program and then returning.  Now I get it.

And typical Joy just wants to quit and run.

Just throw up my hands and say "forget it," it's too hard and I can't do it.  It's not worth the trouble.  I don't know how to do it.  I don't want to look stupid.  I don't know anyone in my program anymore.  I'll just fall behind and never catch on.  The instructors will treat me differently because I quit before (and one of the instructors that I have now, was the one that I submitted my withdrawal too, ugh--so she knows).  It's just not worth the embarrassment.

There, my excuses are out.

Now let me move past them.

I want to be there more than anyone else.  I want to finish because that is what I dream of doing.  I want to make Kinley proud of her mommy for getting through it, although its scary and unknown.  I owe this new start to myself.  I want to be able to support myself and my daughter with a respected career that I know I deserve.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I am there for ME.  And for Kinley.  I'm not there to make friends (although that would be nice), I am there to graduate.  I am there to learn.  I am there to graduate.

Running is so much easier.  Why is that?  It's not actually easy to run away from problems.  But so easy to choose that option when staying and toughing it out truly is the easy way.  I guess it's not about ease but more about being scared.  Scared to fail.  If you run, you don't feel like you failed.  But you do.  Just in another sense.

I read a book during the holiday week(s) and just enveloped the story completely.  It's about a woman who is getting her new start, in a small southern town (I always said I would go to Georgia, not sure why, it just sounds so southern and pretty).  I don't want to give away too much of the story. 

I always used to dream of running and starting over somewhere where no one knew me.  No one knew anything about me, other than what I told them.  I don't dream of this much anymore, now that I am a mom.  But before I sure did.  I think everyone dreams of that.  What a refreshing thought....to start over new.  Right about now, that sounds nice!  I wouldn't have to deal with childcare, I wouldn't have to deal with starting school, I wouldn't have to deal with facing my own faults and short comings by going to my therapist.  Man, wouldn't life be easy!  Easy, but not very rewarding. 

Just like in that story, life always comes back to find you.  These scary issues I had with school three or four years ago are still here today.  They didn't go anywhere, I did.  Problems always wait for you, right where you left them. 

It's easy to make them go away though, just turn around and face them.  I'm telling myself this.  This is my mantra.  Turn around, face the problems, one at a time.  Look at them for what they are and not what you think they are.  Lean on the people that love you and care about you.  This too shall pass.

New Year, No Promises

That's it!  It's all behind us.  We can officially say that the holidays are over.  Now, if only I could get these Christmas decorations down and put away.  That would be dandy.  It'll be my goal for the end of the week.

Last week we had to deal with our first bout of stomach flu as parents and it was torture.  Fortunately though, she felt better by Friday and we were able to head to the in-laws as planned that afternoon.  We bit the bullet and decided to turn her around in her car seat.  We always said that we wouldn't do it until we absolutely HAD to...but after discussing it with our pediatrician and realizing how incredibly difficult a five hour ride would be with me hopping from front to back, back to front--and in the matchbox car--was just a deciding factor.  So she is now forward facing.  I honestly don't think that she cared one way or the other.  Maybe it helped.  She still slept for the first 3 hours and then fussed/cried for the other two.  Five hours is a lot to ask of a baby/toddler in a carseat. Pass judgement about me now, I don't care.

With that being said, I am *so thankful* to say that our traveling days are going to be fewer and more far between.  Not only to save money, but to save us!  It is exhausting to constantly be away from home.  I look forward to weekends where we can sleep/watch tv/do things in our area/GO TO CHURCH!  Just letting us be a family in our home...it's a lot to look forward to.

I've been having this internal debate with myself...wondering how honest someone/I should be while blogging.  You know, do readers want to hear happy sappy stories all the time?  Or maybe, do they want to read real life stuff and read the struggles that I face on a daily basis?  Cause, in all honesty, I could write about happy/sappy stuff till the cows come home (whatever that means).  I have a beautiful daughter that makes me laugh and smile and fall in love over and over and over again.  I find goodness in each day with her.  But then there is the other part of me that I've yet to shine light on in this blog.  Finding the balance of what to say and what not to say is tough. 

For the past couple of weeks, I've contemplated building a new blog and keeping it in an alias form so that I could spill my emotions and struggles free-flowing....and hide behind the alias so that no one would know who I was.  But then as I debated that, I realized that I have no one to hide from.  I'm not feeling in a way that is wrong or that is bad.  I think that what I am going through right now is normal....or as normal as I can claim to be and get away with.

The blog was going to be named "Reasons To Stay" and that just basically sums it up.

My husband hates for me to be so honest on this blog.  He thinks that I "air our laundry" if I speak too much of the truth...but isn't that what the blog is for?  I mean, not to "air our laundry" but for me to be my own sounding board for my feelings?  This blog is my outlet.  My therapy.  I just happen to have found a group of people that find what I have to say worth something to them, whether it be entertainment or whatever. 

My blog, my thoughts, my dirty laundry.  Not his.

So with that said, I guess that this new year is going to bring about a new kind of honesty from my writing.  My first step was that I did extensive searching to find my old therapist from when I was married to "the butthead" and finally found her.  I'm talking, extensive searching.  I only could remember her first name and what office she used to work at.  That was all that I had to go off of.  After a few hours and a few phone calls... there she was.  I've never felt more relieved.  In the new year, I will be going back to see her.  Not because things are going so bad in my life, but because things are so different and I think that I just need some help sorting through things. 

I don't see therapists, or the need for one, as a bad thing.  I think it's a good thing, to be honest.  I mean, it's an hour to be completely self absorbed to talk only about yourself.....and not feel guilty for having done so.  Who can beat that?

The new year didn't "ring in" as I had planned, and I didn't even get a new year's kiss...even though my husband stood only a few feet from me.  I learned then that he thought the new year's kiss was over-rated.  I'm still not over it.  And maybe I'm being a big baby about it...but I'm entitled. 

I didn't make any resolutions....and not because I forgot I guess, but because I hate setting myself up for failure.  So instead of declaring "resolutions," I just decided that I would make changes for myself (including the shrink, being more honest on my blog, and working harder to be a better wife) without the pressure of them being "resolutions."  We'll see if that approach works.

How about you?  Any "resolutions?"