Coming clean

I got up a little early this morning to try and get back some "me time" and instead of using it wisely to get my blog written, I got wrapped up in overnight FB posts.  And now, I hear Kinley upstairs calling the dog to her room...."Gah, Gah....woof, woof......Gah, Gah."  Why she calls Lucy "Gah" is beyond me.  But she does.  And it is so adorable, and we encourage it and now call the dog "Gah" as well.  Lucy just wants attention, she doesn't care what we call her.

Yesterday I went out to grab the mail on my way to run some errands and found this:

It's one thing to get pulled over and have the black hole form in your gut, but it's a totally different feeling when it shows up in your mailbox.  Completely unexpected.  Well, I didn't expect it.  But it wasn't my ticket.  When I opened it and saw the three pictures of my husband blowing the red light, it was no wonder that *I* had no clue.  He wasn't surprised.  His reaction?  "I figured it got me."  I'm not mad.  Why should I be?  It's a ticket.  It could have easily been me.  And I've been on the receiving end of getting reamed for getting a ticket before.  It's not fun.  So I laughed it off with him.  We'll send them the $100 and go about our lives.  Knowing better.  Those cameras do work, by golly! 

I've got this issue....okay, I have several issues, I know.  But there is a BIG issue that always comes this time of year.  I talked to Richie about it again this past weekend on our way home from the Lion King and he just makes jokes and laughs at me about it.  I guess he truly doesn't understand how serious it is to me.  He doesn't understand how deep it is and how real it is.  He doesn't understand that some days I feel paralyzed.  Some moments seem completely insane.  He doesn't get it.  But I guess someone who doesn't have the same "issue" wouldn't understand.  How can you explain something that the other person totally doesn't "get?"  It's like when you first feel your baby move in your belly...you just can't explain that feeling to anyone that hasn't felt it.

My mom has an extensive background in mental health (on the professional side of it, not the personal side) and I asked her while she was here this past weekend.  What can you do for hypochondriasis?  She just laughed at the question.  Why does everyone laugh and make jokes when I ask or try to talk about it?  It just makes me want to keep it locked inside and try to deal alone.  It really does.  But I'm learning that I can't fix it on my own.  It just comes in waves.  Some days are worse than others.  Now that I have Kinley, it's worse.  Because not only am I completely afraid for myself but I'm terrified for her.  I can't use antibacterial hand wipes enough.  I can't sanitize enough.  I can't wash our hands enough.  I am almost to the point of not wanting to leave the house.  And it's mostly because we're in the height of flu season.  I mean, I can't get onto FB without seeing at least 2 or 3 statuses (is that spelled right, it looks wrong) about someone with the flu.

The minute I see it, I am thrown into panic mode and I have to get up and wash my hands.  It doesn't matter that the person posting the status is five hours away, or in another state for that matter.  It gets in my head and makes me crazy.  After seeing the Lion King, we were walking out of the theater and into the lobby when we came upon the cleaning staff dealing with a vomit situation all over the floor.  Zap.  Right into my head, I began to panic.  I was reminded that I was just in a theater with thousands of people, breathing their air, inhaling their germs.  I'm now infested and bringing all of this home to my baby.  I freak. 

I want to live in a bubble.  I want to protect myself and my family from being sick. 

This morning, I see this on my status update:

Kinley's pediatrician posted this overnight.

Panic. 

It's primarily the stomach flu that scares the heck outta me.  I have a phobia, I think.  For years I have tried working through it to even figure out why and the only thing I can blame it on is the years of my dad being so sick when we were young kids. But it's scarred me and I'm just warped now.  So the issues are in their prime during flu season. 

What can I do?  There has to be something that can help me deal.  Something that will help me be "normal" about germs.  I know that come January when I'm back in school, Kinley will be in child care and exposed to so many things.  And I know that they aren't going to be as crazy about the hand washing that I am....  how can I protect her?  To be honest, this is why I want to breastfeed longer.  At least I know I'm giving her that much.

I just wish I could be "normal" and not worry so much about it.  It truly is exhausting to have this fear over my head every day.  It's there. Every. Day.  I'm thinking about educating myself on the hypochondriasis, because maybe that's not the problem at all.  Maybe I'm just a germaphobe?  Is that the same thing?  But educating yourself is the key to overcoming and conquering.  Why not start there?

Iron Woman

Finally!  A full night's sleep!  Kinley didn't wake up at all during the night.  And it's a good thing because Richie and I were both feeling pretty ick when we went to bed last night.  I had that ick feeling in the back of my throat....you know that one that taunts you right before you get sick?  And Richie was all stuffed up with a headache.  We were both falling asleep while trying to watch The Biggest Loser and Kinley was still playing up a storm.

She is getting so big...it seems that every single day she's learned something else.  And I love watching it happen.  This is when being at home pays off....I get to see each moment when she has that "ah-ha!" when she figures something out.  Her newest thing is pulling up.  She will only pull up to her knees but is so close to going onto her feet.  I think she's still scared, and secretly, I love that.  But she's pulling up on everything.  Everything.  It scares the bejeezes outta me and if you think that the whole "wrap your kid in bubble wrap" hasn't crossed my mind, you're not a devoted enough reader.  :)  I want to prevent every bump, bruise, scrape, heartbreak...but know that I can't.  That's got to be one of the hardest things as a mom.  But only one of the hardest.  There are about a million hard things.



Richie got off of work a little early yesterday and was able to go with me for yet another pediatrician interview.  Let me just say that this doctor knocked me off my feet!  She hit it out of the park!  It was almost like she knew exactly what  we wanted before we even opened our mouths.  I scheduled Kinley's one year (gasp!) appointment before even leaving her office.  We both were just so happy with her and her practice.  I thank my friend, Rachel, back home for referring us to her.  I now have one less load on my shoulders to carry.  Now if only I could drop that whole Shakespeare load...

Today Kinley and I are going to the police department for her carseat safety check.  She's been in her new carseat for several weeks now but the lady that does the inspections has been on vacation and just got back to me yesterday to schedule.  After that, we're heading to a mommy group play date.  It'll be our first time meeting with the group and I'm pretty nervous.  Hopefully we fit in...  Being the psycho mom that I am, I'm already stressing because it's in a mall play area and I know how badly those places breed germs.  You don't know how tempted I am to bring my Clorox Wipes and Lysol.  That would make me look too over the top though, right?  I guess there is a cushy play area for the itty bitty's to crawl around and play, so we'll see how this goes.  I'm sure that Kinley will love it.  It's just the psycho mom that will be a nervous wreck.

We had to take Kinley's mobile away yesterday.  I put her down for a nap and then jumped into the shower.  I turned on the monitor just because, I'm psycho like that.  I was not even to the conditioner stage of my shower (I shower in the exact same order every.single.time) when I heard her mobile turn on over the monitor.  I thought, hmmmm, how did she figure that out?  So I just figured that it was a short nap and she decided to get up.  Then I hear the clang (or is it klang?...actually, it wasn't a c/klang at all...the mobile is not metal, it's plastic......you get the idea) and I can't figure out what she's doing.  Then I hear a very loud "thud" and then a hard cry.  I'm guessing that she was trying to hang from the mobile.  Nice, huh.  Not really what you want to hear in the shower.  Needless to say, the shaving my legs step was nixed.  She had a nice red mark on the side of her face but she was okay.  Daddy took away the mobile last night.  Just another step toward the "not my baby anymore" life.  In all honesty, that mobile was a waste of money.  I think that the hanging from it incident was probably the most attention she has ever paid to it.

Oh, and speaking of the whole shower thing....I took this picture to prove to you how bad my 2 foot by 3 foot afro is un-ironed.  I kid you not.  It's a beastly thing, no?  Who needs a Halloween costume when you have locks like this?  Maybe I should go as the Un-Brazillian Blowout?  You've heard of the Brazillian Blowout, right?  I so want one but totally can't justify spending $200 on something that will last like 9 weeks.  Can't do it.  I am getting closer to making the time to go to Ulta to get my curl product though.  Richie keeps telling me to just go and get it and it's now becoming less of a "don't want to spend money on luxury items" to more of a "I'm too lazy to drag myself and Kinley over to Ulta" issue.  But I'm really tired of ironing my hair everyday.  And it's not really the healthiest thing to do for your hair. 

On that note, I have to go iron my hair.