50 Shades of Busy

I am feeling an enormous sense of pressure today.  Tomorrow is my last "me day" before becoming the SAHM.  I tell ya, I have been a roller coaster of emotions about it.  One minute I am totally okay with it and excited, and the next I am in a fierce streak of panic.

It doesn't help that when I pick her up from school, her teacher is slowly ridding the classroom of all things Kinley.  Each day, there is a picture that once hung on the wall, or like yesterday, her birthday balloon from the birthday board.  That one, made me cry.  It's just little silly things...but it rips my heart out.  Kinley loves her school and she loves her teachers and she loves her friends.  Will she miss them too much?  Will she wonder why she's not going to see them ever again?  Have we moved her around too much in her two short years?  So many questions that I bog my mind with.  And unfortunately, all of the answers fall into the world of wonder as a parent.  You never know the right answer, you just have to do the best with what you have at that given time.

I know that she loves me more than her school or her teachers or her friends, but I can't provide the things that her friendships can.  I'm fooling myself if I even pretend that I can.  But I'm keeping myself sane by realizing that I am offering her so much more than what school ever can.  And come fall, she will be back in a new school with new friends and a mommy two rooms over.

I am getting the best of both worlds?  Right?  Working but still "with" her (as in, same building?).

I think that more than anything, I am trying to justify in my head that preschool teaching, or this job in particular, is okay.  It's okay to have this job even though I have a BA degree in elementary and even though I have acquired 50K in college debt and am not putting it to use.  It's okay to take a 20K yearly pay cut.

It's not okay, but it's necessary.

Let's face it, teaching jobs are like a needle in a haystack.  Good luck finding one!  Maybe in a year or two, things will change, but until then.  I am doing what needs to be done.

I have become absolutely obsessed with budgeting since having time off.  I think I spend at least 2-3 hours each day going over the spreadsheet and our check book to see where I can pinch another penny.  But, it's working!  I have (on paper) put aside almost 2500 for savings this month!  Obviously, that's from the lack of day care and two hours of commuting each day...but that's a huge gain for one month!  I am pretty proud.

Our summer events calendar is filling up nicely.  We decided to take Kage swimming in the evenings since our community has a pool right across the street.  It would  be silly not to utilize it.  I'm telling you, Kage is a little fish!  She just wants to go, go, go!  She even went underwater a few times.  I was shocked!  I was planning to enroll her in swimming classes but I may not need to at this point.

Since my free days are down to the last two, I am planning to spend the rest of today reading the book that everyone and their mother has been talking about, Fifty Shades of Grey.  I know, I know, it's smut.  Whatever.  It will just continue my romance hangover from yesterday, right?!

It's one of the many that are on my summer reading list, and if I know me, I won't even get through one.  But good intentions are the best kind.  And I've got tons of those!  :)

Bed of Thorns

Day two of operation "me time" and I selfishly spent two hours watching a movie that I have had waiting since March.

On Valentine's day, or there abouts, I was driving to work listening to the radio when the DJ guy asked callers about their favorite Valentine's day movie.  Normally, I am too preoccupied with my own thoughts to pay much attention, but this day, I was keyed in.  A caller voted for the movie "Bed of Roses" as the most romantic movie.

It seriously made me want to slam on my breaks and gasp.  That movie was my most favorite ever....about eight years ago.  Somehow, it died in my memory about six years ago.  I honestly forgot that it even existed.  It almost felt like I heard an ex-boyfriend's name after ten years of non-existence.

I immediately grabbed my phone and emailed my step-dad to see if he could get it for me from Netflix.  I had to have it.  Fast forward three weeks and here it is in my hot hands.

But what mom has time for a movie?  Or a movie that doesn't have a dancing purple "dinofour" or one that doesn't have Pixar ties?!  Not this girl.

Today, I decided to take two hours to selfishly spend on my movie.  I did fold clothes, so it wasn't completely selfish.  I am pretty sure that I didn't breathe through most of the movie.  I loved it as much today as I used to a decade ago.  Totally gave me my fix.

But it also left me with that pity party feeling.  I mean, gosh, that guy is so freakin' perfect.  He is the poster character for romance....and if I could just have one ounce of that romance feeling, for one second....  I know that it's not real and he's totally not Lewis, the most perfect man ever,...but you can't tell my mind that while I'm in the moment of the movie.

Am I the only girl that feels that way after watching a chick flick?  Cause it sucks.  You are floating on this romance high for two full hours...only to be dropped on your face with the rolling of the credits.  This is just not fair.

Poor Richie will surely catch the brunt of this one.  I am going to be all sour and "poor me" until I come off of the romance high that the movie put me on.  Ahhhhhhh.  I think that he owes me a date that doesn't include a child's menu.

SAHM I AM

Well.....  I survived.  My first "real" teaching job ended yesterday.  I wanted to be sad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to walk out feeling the pull to not leave.

But I didn't.

Not one tear.

I guess it was the group of students that I had that made it a less than desirable first experience....I mean, getting called a b!tch at least once a week by a nine-year-old leaves much to be desired.  It was a rough school.  But the staff, I will miss.  I did feel like one of them, one of the family, even though I was a temporary contract.

But it's over.  My contract ended June 4 and I will continue to ride on my paychecks till the middle of August.  That part, I love.

Our budget coach made it clear to us in our last meeting that my top goal would be to secure employment for fall.  You see, we failed miserably at this budget thing.  We were, as Dave Ramsey calls it, Gazelles, with our budget.  For a month.  Then we bombed.

We bought a damn car.

I know.  SO stupid.  So, so, so stupid.

It is used, a 2009, but still.  So flippin' dumb.  If I could take it back, I would.  I regret it more than anything in this world.  But I can't take it back.  I have to swallow the pill that we CHOSE to take.  I also have to swallow the fact that we INCREASED our debt by 10K.  Seriously.  Dumb.

We went from ZERO car payments to a 10K loan for a STUPID car.  Can you tell that I'm disappointed in us?!  Cause I am.  I won't even share our rationalization with you when we were sitting in the car dealership, cause it is just pathetic.  I swear that those dealerships spray crack on you when you walk in so that you lose all sense of reality and rationalization.  Ugh!

So yeah, our budget coach wanted to KILL us when we walked in and told her the news.  It was not pretty.

With that, she insisted that I find employment.  I interviewed for several summer gigs that paid nothing and weren't my cup o' tea and was offered three of them.  I didn't take them.  It wasn't worth the cost of child care, to be honest.  And since I'm getting paid through the summer from the school district, why worry about it now?  I mean, if I could find something that would make it worth my time and child care, then by all means, sign me on.  But I haven't found that yet.

For now, I am back to my stay-at-home-mom thing. Or, I will be come Friday.  And I'm kind of excited.  I am through the panicked stage, and I am through with the fear, and I am through with the worry.  I am ready to be excited.  I have printed three calendar pages to fill with activities for Kage and I to spend our days.  Ballet on Tuesdays, story time in the park on Wednesdays, splash park daily, play dates as needed, library book club......  I'm getting excited.  And it's only until the end of July really....  cause I accepted a position.

Now, it's not what I went to school for, technically.  But strangely, I am VERY excited about the opportunity.  I am going to teach preschool.  Again.  I did it for several years, back in the day.  Like in my early 20s.  And I did love it.  I hated the company I worked for, but I loved the job.

So the unemployed became re-employed within one day.  Not too shabby.

This would be a perfectly happy story if it weren't for the pay.  It's no where near what I made with the school district, obviously.  And I still have to pay just about the same amount in child care that I do now.  gulp  So, what do I do, you know?  I accepted the position and I am praying by all things holy that we're going to be okay.  I mean, we have to be, right?  I will be spending all of the summer saving like mad and paying things off to ensure that we will be okay.

The upside is that I will have Kage in the same building with me.  I will know her teachers personally.  I will make sure that she is given the best care possible.

Truly, the only downside is that I won't be paid jack.  Ugh.

And, it's about an hour commute from where we live now.

But, we're talking about moving back that way.  It's where we lived before we moved south and got married.  We both love that area and want to be back that way, but finding an affordable living situation might be difficult.  Life is fun, isn't it!?

Look Both Ways

School is out in one day and 105 minutes.  But who's counting?

I haven't been able to blog, let alone breathe, for the last year.  I was in the crunch of student teaching and then my first teaching job and it really left not much else.  I spent every available moment with my family.  I guess that worked because over the weekend I realized that it was the anniversary (that isn't even the right word) of the weekend when I thought I hated my husband.  Yes, that's right.  One year ago, Memorial Day weekend, I thought that I was done with him. Ready to hit the hills and start anew.

So much can change in a year.  And luckily, that phase in life passed.  And we are quickly approaching the days when I realized that it was worth staying and it was worth fighting for....and maybe we'll celebrate.

I wish that I could fill in all of the gaps between now and then, but I would be crazy to try.  A day hasn't gone by that I didn't think of a blog that I wanted to publish.  And at the same time, I feel like I need to retrain myself on blog writing.  Who knows if I even "have it" anymore....is it like riding a bike?

Are the readers still there?

My last day of school is Monday the 4th.  Kinley's last day of day care is on Friday the 8th.  I am taking 4 days of a mommy vacation, of sorts.  I am going to be reading (I have a whole pile of books to get to) and blogging.  Oh, I can't wait to sit and write for a whole day.  And read!  I have so many blogs to catch up on!

I hope that you're still along for the ride, it's far from over!

Ready, set, go.

You know how it is sometimes....when you've been gone for far too long and life is easier described in bullets.  That's me right now.  So here it goes:

• I'm not pregnant.  But I am four weeks late...and counting.  With sore boobs.  What gives?  I  know that I said I would call for Clomid if the test was negative, but I really don't like the doctor that I found up here and I'm too lazy to look for another.  So, avoidance it is.
• I interviewed for a summer teaching position in the district where I currently work.  I totally feel like I bombed the interview.
• That being said, I am not so sure that the position is really for me.  For reasons that shall remain private.
• I'm not even sure that teaching is for me anymore.  This group has really defeated me.  Twenty-three students and only half that want to learn and show me respect.  HALF.  When the parents don't value education and teachers, the students won't either.  
• My daughter is too adorable.  No, really.  Look.
  

• I am so torn about summer care for Kinley.  If I don't get the summer job, (I will take it if they offer it to me, but I'm pretty sure they won't), then I need to find something for Kage for two days a week.  I need a couple of days for interviewing (hopefully) and job hunting.  Her school now, is $158 for two days.  OUCH.  She *loves* her school.  She loves her teacher.  I hate to take her out when she's learning so much from them.  I'm so confused.  Our budget coach says to save money over the summer and do an in-home sitter for the two days.  That would cost $80.  Huge savings....but my thought is that you can't put a price on your child's happiness, education and trust.
• There are only 23 school days remaining.  Will I survive?
• Speaking of our budget coach....that is going so amazingly well.  So, amazingly well.  We are kicking butt and taking names.  We learned how to budget, how to save and how to spend.  It makes me happy.  And calm (er).
• We attempted to establish a more consistent schedule for our family.  I'm learning that it's impossible. Richie is working so many hours, and six days a week.  We are living like crazy people....busy and always on the go.  Our thoughts were a strict 7:00 bath, 7:30 teeth, 7:45 story, 8:00 bed, 9:00 us in bed to watch Mad Men and asleep by 10:00.  Lately....we're lucky to be finishing dinner by 8:00.  It's been really hard.  We are all over worked and over tired.  23 more days.  23 more days.
• Kinley continues to say, "I don't like-a my home" when we pull into the apartment complex.  Every time.  Never fails.  And she points out houses that she likes and wants to be "Kinley's house and mommy's house and daddy's house."  Talk about ripping your heart out.  We thought we'd get away with cheap (ha!) apartment living for at least three years.  She's already aware of the differences of a home (house) vs. apt.  And that sucks.  It drives us that much more to get in line to buy her a home to be proud of....and to like-a.
• I applied to over 20 districts for fall employment.  So far, zero calls.  Stressed?  Yes.  If I don't find a job, it will be time to explore new opportunities.  Is it bad that it excites me slightly to imagine another field?  Maybe it's the "difficult class" that I have this year.
• I'm off schedule and sitting at my computer 16 minutes AFTER my scheduled sleep time.  Shame on me.
• I look forward to summer blogging.  I miss my daily blurbs.

Remember Me?

This feels like uncharted territory to me.  I haven't posted in, what? Months?  Feels like years, really.  Today is the last day of my spring break.  And here I had these massive, elaborate plans to blog daily.  To spend a whole day reading.  To maybe even take time to get myself a pedicure.  And what did I do, in reality?  I spent two hours cleaning a little girl's bedroom....and today you can't tell that I made any attempt.  I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom (minus our bedroom, the neglected room).  Today, you can't tell.  And I ran errands that have been looming over my head for months.  Crazy things such as going to the social security office to get my last name corrected on my card.  Would you believe that I have been running around with a misspelled last name on my card for FOUR years, and didn't notice until my current employer pointed it out?!  And then, my address was wrong on my drivers license.  They put an 8 instead of a 5 on my address.  So uh, when they tell you to double check everything after it's printed, they mean it.  It just so happens that when I got that one printed, I had a squirrely toddler with me and I was about to lose. my. mind.  Forgive me for not checking.  I just trusted that you could input the correct information into your system.  Ugh. 

So yeah, got those tedious errands done that needed done.

Then the budget coach issued a list about ten items long that I had to work on....one of which was to discuss and decide what to do with our first (and only, so far) home.  We bought it right before we were married.  We brought our baby home to this house.  Then made the decision that it was time to sell it.  Kind of bitter sweet.  But at the same time, we know that we'll never move back, and we really don't want the risk of something major going wrong while the renters are in....you know what I mean?  Huge financial risk to have a rental house.

My spring break was spent taking care of crap.  For lack of better words.  I'm a little bummed.

Since being on hiatus, so much has been happening in the land of Joy.  My beast baby girl is keeping me crazy busy, so much so, that I often find myself with my head spinning.  She's the most fun at this age.  She is the most challenging at this age.  Two year olds are a ball of everything.  Defiance, laughter, something new every single day, potty training, "Kinley do it!", a whole new level of mommy guilt, and a whole new level of pride as she sings her ABC's with the emeneno P.  I love that girl.  But, she makes me crazy.  And that, makes me think that we are doing things right.  Right?

Kin and her friend, Jilli


My husband and I are the happiest that we've been since.....ummmmm......forever?  I honestly can say that the past two months have been bliss.  We both attribute this to our financial coach.  Money stress effects every minute of your life.  Having gotten that under control, we can breathe again.  We aren't at each others throats anymore.  Life is--dare I say--easier?

The job is going well.  Holy challenging as ever, for sure.  I have a group of boys in my class---oh my goodness.  They make me earn every penny on that paycheck!  But, through the challenges, I am reminded daily that this is what I am made to do.  Sadly though, my contract does end on June 4 and I am again unemployed.  I have applied to about twenty districts with hopes for at least one call back.  Prayers please.

And lastly, we are trying to get pregnant. 

Trying.

It's the first "real" month of trying.  I mean, we've been unprotected for about a year.  But using my app, I have been tracking the month and my so irregular cycles and we really tried this month.  Without going all TMI on you...we were rabbits.  Mmmm, K?!  And here I sit, staring at this screen on my app....

And I'm frozen.  I so badly want to test.  I so badly want to be pregnant.  But, I won't let myself believe that it *could* be.  I mean, what would allow it to happen naturally now, when before, it couldn't happen.  It doesn't just happen on the first month of trying.  It just doesn't happen like that for us.

In the same breath, I find myself thinking of all of these "symptoms" and those of you that have gone through the woes of trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, know of the "symptoms" that I speak of. 

Why not just test and rid myself of the pain and the agony that rides shotgun with me all day? 

Because the reality of the failure is too much.  For today.

I would rather dance in the what-if than kiss the reality of the no.  But, if it is in fact a no, I will call my doctor (that I don't even like, btw) and get a script for Clomid.  And then we'll probably have twins.  Cause I have the luck like that.  :)  Double the blessings?

But what if?

She's Growing Up...

Kinley woke up on Saturday morning, determined to potty train.  Little did I know that her one ounce of determination was enough to rid our home of diapers...forever.  She's not had a diaper on since Saturday morning.  I wasn't ready.

She's still my baby girl.

I feel like each milestone has snuck up on me and every time, I wasn't ready.  She was.

Days still linger when I long for our days of breastfeeding.  And the days where I see that baby, toothless smile peeking behind her paci.  The days she let me rock her to sleep and hold her tight. 

Now, she plays favorites.  If I'm not her "favorite" of the moment, she tells me, "no, mommy--daddy's turn."  Breaks my heart and makes me proud all in the same moment. 

I want her to be independent, I want her to be confident...but I want her to be my baby girl forever.

She had three accidents on Saturday evening.  Only one accident today.  No diapers, no pull-ups.  Big girl panties only.  She's mastered napping and bedtime in panties and woke dry both days.  I never dreamed that buying that box of diapers last week would be my last.  I think that maybe I would have savored that moment, and maybe even cried right there in Target.

I am so proud of this little girl.  She is such a blessing to our lives.  We marvel at her constantly.  She makes it easy.  She makes it worth it.  She makes life a true miracle and testament to God's work.

My baby is a little girl.

Waiting patiently for her ballet class to begin.

We took her to her first movie this weekend, she lasted 30 minutes.
But loved the popcorn (aka corn corn).

She is our Potty Princess.  So proud of her accomplishment this weekend.
I love her style, her princess attitude, her confidence.

The most beautiful girl in the world. 
I am so lucky and proud to be her mommy!

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want another baby.  But wanting and having are two different things.  We've not prevented for a while now and it's not happened.  Which only tells me that we'll again have to turn to fertility treatments if we hope to expand our family.  But if that day never comes, I know in my heart that I have perfection and the truest form of love right here, right now.  She completes us.  I hope she realizes the depth of our love for her.