Picky Eater-R-Us

I used to have the best eater.  When we'd go out for dinner, servers and other patrons would always comment about what a great eater she was and how impressed they were with her behavior in a restaurant.  Our chests puffed up with pride because we knew it was true.  We were blessed with the perfect baby!  She would eat her dinner, be patient and just work on being adorable until it was time to leave.

And then......

What happened?

This child is living on a rotating menu of ravioli, chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.  (And I won't even go in to her restaurant behavior.  She embarrasses us terribly.  Like, to the point of us saying that we will never eat out again.)

I feel like I'm starving her of important nutrients.  I feel like she's like going to get scurvy (I know that she won't but you know what I mean) or something due to lack of healthy foods.  The child will not drink milk.  And I've tried it a million different ways.  I've tried whole.  I've tried 2%.  I've tried skim.  I've tried soy.  I've tried Almond.  I've tried organic.  I've tried non-organic.  I've tried special cups.  I've tried twisty straws.  Although the twisty straw did work for a few weeks....she would only take a few sips from it. 

She will eat green beans, peas or mashed potatoes and sometimes broccoli or cauliflower.  And she does like blueberries, strawberries, grapes and mandarins.  So I do incorporate those sides with every meal.  I try to do a main food with a veg and fruit with every meal.  At least I feel some comfort knowing she's eating her fruits and veggies.

But I can't help but to panic about her milk and the three foods that I have to rotate.

And it's not for lack of trying.  I waste so much food trying new things that I think she may try....and fail every time.

Her pediatrician's advice is that she needs to eat what I offer or not eat at all.  Seriously?  I can't do that.  What mom can do that?  She's a baby!  Okay, so I know that it's probably the right thing to do....but I can't.  I'm not that strong.  And.....Kinley's the boss.  There, I admitted it.

Yesterday, I tried giving her chicken noodle soup (yeah, super healthy, I know---I was working on variety).

She went ahead and decorated the table (& floor) and even her hair....but would not put it in her mouth.  She chose to eat the fork instead.

I felt defeated.  What kid doesn't like noodles and chicken?  Mine, obviously.

This was the second attempt during lunch.  The first was a ham and cheese sandwich.  Day care lady feeds her boys a sandwich every day and they love it.  Not my girl.

So, I went to our old stand-by:  chicken nuggets, with a side of ketchup.

Am I a bad mom for not "making" her eat what I first serve?  What do you do for your toddler?  And what can I do about the lack of milk drinking?  I so wish that I didn't stop nursing her at 15 months.  I wish I had continued until she was 2.  I should have listened to my gut on that one.  Too late now. 

On a different note, I did a little "window shopping" on craigslist yesterday and came across this:

And for only $10, I was sold!  Kage played with a tunnel at day care lady's house and really enjoyed it, so I wanted to get one for here as well.  And the fact that it collapses flat was a huge selling point.  When she's not playing with it, I can store it under her crib.  So excited to get that today.

Aaaand, when R gets off work today, we're going to get her another stroller (yes, I know, we just got the jogger--but it's so not mall friendly) and then go to the big mall close by.  I'm going to get my wedding set replated to look shiny new.  It's over due. 

The weather is going to be perfect this weekend.  I think that Kage and I will visit the water park toddler play area today.  Tomorrow, we may actually go back to Church ABC.  We fell out of habit of going when the marriage went to crap.  Going back is part of our plan to getting things back on track.  Fingers crossed that it doesn't feel too weird in coming back. 

So with that being said....that is our weekend.

Waiting for Sleeping Beauty

As a most of the time stay at home mom (I have class two times a week), I long for the mornings when Kage sleeps in and the days when her naps run for three hours.

So much to do in that "free time" that is almost impossible to do with a toddler under foot.  Heck, I got a lot of blog writing done today (see below). 

But why is it that when I get this morning of her sleeping in (hello, it's 10:00 and she's not up), I spend it in a panic.  Checking on her every 5 minutes.  Is she breathing?  Is she fevered?  Is she okay?  I spend it in a state of worry and fear.

Do I enjoy the free time that I long for?  Nope.  I just want to go in and wake her up.  I want to send the dog in to "be the bad guy" and wake her up.

Kind of funny how that works....what we wish for isn't all that great when you get it.

Blogger won't rotate, sorry.

She's up!  She's up!

Boys, close your eyes.

I'm about to get all girlie on here.  And I know how boys cringe when girls get all girlie.  And while I only think that there may be all two of you men (not counting my husband) that read this....you may just want to click off of this entry now.

Warning you.

Here's your chance....

Okay, if you are still reading then you deserve to get all "ewwwww, she's talking about periods and stuff!".

So I had my daughter almost 19 months ago.  To get pregnant, we did several rounds of Clomid and finally got to the point of the doc saying that it was against her better judgement to continue on Clomid.  We had done 6 months at the highest "recommended" dosing and got nothing.

We stopped.  Decided that in-vitro wasn't an option (financially---and our insurance didn't cover it) and we would just be happy doing foster care and looking into adoption in the future.  We were okay with this.

The next month, I was pregnant.  Go figure.

I have never had a "regular" period or cycle. Ever.  Which is why it was so hard for me to get pregnant in the first place.

But now, in the 19 months post-pregnancy, I've not had one single period. 

I had the Mirena put in a couple of months post baby and I always thought it was a side effect or something.  But my friends who also have the Mirena aren't having this problem.  I think that my body is just back into the cycle of not having a cycle.  While I really don't mind not having to deal with it every month, I know that it's not healthy.

And lately I've been having some pretty serious pain issues.  I feel like my ovary is about to rupture and it literally drops me to my knees.  I have dealt with ruptured cysts before and those freakin' hurt.  I'm wondering if that's what's happening again. 

I loved my gyno back in southern IL.  Loved, loved, loved her.  The thought of having to find a new one up here, just doesn't interest me at all.  I know that I won't like anyone as much as I did her.  I know that I won't trust anyone as much as I do her.  And I have even considered commuting the six hours just for an appointment with her. Nuts, I know.

So I took the leap of faith and went to google.  I called the first doctor that pulled up in the search for my area.  My appointment is July 21st.  Ugh.  I know that I need my yearly exam and I dread what they will say about my lack of period for the past 19 months.  My previous doctor "forced" a period every 6 months by use of medication.  She felt that it was necessary for my body to have one at least twice a year.  So for me to have let it go this far.....yikes.  I may get a stern look.  But I'll just give one right back. 

I just hope that nothing is seriously wrong.  The pain that I've had is scary.  A little.

And while I don't think I see more children in my future.....having that option taken away rather than it being a personal choice, is not very good.

But we'll see.  I have a tendency to make a mountain out of a mole hill.....so surely I'm worrying for nothing.  Right?

Welcome baby Grimace!

In my short (almost) 19 months as a mommy, my "professional" opinion is that time goes into fast forward at 15 months.  I feel like we *just* celebrated that 15 month milestone and I blink and that 2nd birthday is coming so close.  Really?  How did it go so fast?

I remember when the span of a year took for-ev-er.  A year is sooooo long.  A year of anything is just too much.

And now, a year is just a blink of an eye.

Our dear friends, Beth and James (or Grimace as we call him), had their first baby on July 4th (I know, how cool is that!).  I got the text that she was being induced on the 3rd and the text sent goosebumps over my body.  I remember being in that exact place.  I remember the feelings of excitement and nervousness and fear.  As the day went on, I was getting texts about how far dilated she was and then it was time for her epidural and then she labored and waited....  I remember it all.

And then, Graydon was born!

It felt like just yesterday that I was in that exact place.  Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my girl.  Feeling like it would just never come.  Those were the longest 37 weeks.  They took for-ev-er.

And now....time won't slow down.

She walks. She runs. She's even learning how to jump. Well, she's practicing her jumping skills.  She talks, she yells, she bosses.  She swims.  She loves.  She learns.  She kisses.  She hugs.  She's every bit of perfection that I know.  She's the true heaven on earth for me--an angel kissed by God and sent for us to share and love.

Wasn't it just yesterday that she was born?  We really couldn't be that close to two years, could we?  How does it happen so fast?

"Miss Thing" has grown into such a beautiful girl.  She is a strong minded and strong willed little girl.  I hope that I'm able to capture and enjoy every minute with her because they fly by so fast. 

I know that Beth probably won't be reading this for quite some time.....I so remember those first weeks at home.  I think that you barely remember to pee.  :)  But when she does, I just want to tell her to really love every minute and every moment cause they will fly by so fast.  Everyone tells you about how fast it goes....and I remember laughing and thinking "yeah right" but it is so true.  Love him and hold him and smell his tiny head!  Before long, you'll be chasing behind him wishing for those cuddle days again!

Congratulations, Beth and Grim!

Hitting bottom only brings you up

I have been completely exhausted lately.  Like, I'm talking first trimester exhausted.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  Not a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks.  But I'm that tired.  I attribute it to my lack of gym visits....and the stress of school (a ten page paper and an exam in one week).....and I have a toddler that goes a million miles a minute.  So yeah, I'm pretty freakin' tired.

Yesterday I took Kage to her last day of day care with D.  I mentioned before that we had decided to change providers because "day care lady" was just way too far away.  And she is.  I was so happy with my decision.  Until I picked her up from her last day.  I cried.  Day care lady cried.  And her little boy asked if Kin would be back "after the next day."  Broke my heart.  She was BFFs with those two little boys and the whole family just adored her.  Day care lady wrote me this long letter about how much they enjoyed having Kin share her days with them and all of the adventures that they had together.  And then she gave me tons of pictures of her with the boys over the last 7 months.  They were true BFFs.  It pains me to take her somewhere else now.  I just have to keep reminding myself that she will be happy at the new place too....and we won't be burning a half tank of gas just to drop her off and pick her up. 

There are always play dates...... right?

While I think that I bombed my paper for this class (I totally deserve the bad grade that I expect), I was handed the exam and knew every single essay.  Well, I didn't know one part of one question, but it was minor.  I expect (and deserve) a good grade on that puppy!

It's finally Friday (and feels like Wednesday) and I have zero plans or agendas until Tuesday.  That feels so good.  I needed this break.  This week has killed me.

We had our counseling session on Wednesday and I think that things hit rock bottom.  That session has been the hardest one yet.  I never cry.  Well, I never cry in therapy.  Because I'm always so pissed.  But this time, we both were in tears as separation was brought up and discussed. 

Wow.

How did we get to this point?  How did it get that bad?  When did it fall apart?

And while the therapist asked about separation boundaries and how Kinley would be "shared" I just felt my world start to spin.  She asked how long we should be apart.  I said that I wanted to miss him again.  She asked how often he would see Kinley and under what terms.  I said that he could see her whenever he wanted.  He asked if he could share bedtime with her every night.  Of course, I said. 

It's not a good place to be. 

And maybe that new level of low is why I feel so overwhelmed by exhaustion.

We walked out of our appointment in silence and didn't really speak that much that night.  The therapist told us to think about separation boundaries and expectations and we would meet again on Monday to discuss it....

That next morning, I woke up with a refreshed tolerance.  It was almost as if the tolerance fairy visited me and sprinkled my mind with a renewed sense of "I can do this."  When I was ready to break the day before, I found a place in me that wasn't so uptight.  I found a place in me that could try one more time.  I found a part of me that understood in a new light.

When it comes down to the bottom line, I know that he loves me more than any man could.  I know that he is the only person on this Earth that loves my daughter as much as I do.  I know that he is trying to fix what is broken.  And I'm starting to think that what is broken is me.  He can't fix me.  Only I can fix me.

I became so wrapped up in everything that I felt was wrong and broken and unhappy that it consumed my every breath.  All that I could see was the negative. 

Part of me thinks that I need to put my family in bubble wrap for a few weeks.  We need to only focus on us, close out the outside world and just take time to heal. 

I think that it took hitting the bottom, flat on my face, and the thought of breaking up this family to know what was about to happen. 

Maybe this marriage isn't perfect.  Okay, I KNOW it's not perfect....  but it is all that Kinley knows for a family.  And she loves us both.  Walking away from the marriage is walking away from Kinley's family.  She deserves more than that.  And the reasons that we were walking away were really not worth it.  I let the little things consume me. 

It's very hard, very, very hard to wipe the slate and start again.  There is so much damage and so much hurt and so many sad feelings.  It won't be easy.  But I think that the thought of starting again and both of us realizing that it's eggshell walking time again, we may get through it.

I pray that it isn't just a fake sense of hope that I feel.  I pray that this really won't blow up in my face.  It has been so long since I've had any feeling of hope in this relationship.  I'm scared to feel it now.  I'm scared to trust it when nothing has really changed other than one therapy session and the discussion of "sharing" Kinley and living separate for a few months.  Maybe that was enough to scare us both straight.

And maybe he isn't feeling the renewed hope that I am.

I don't think that either of us feel "safe" enough to discuss it yet.  So we don't.  Yet.

But, I beg and plead with God to not let this be a fake sense of hope.  Please don't let this bounce back to the low we felt just a few days ago.  Please let this be a new starting point.  My heart can't take the pain.

She always checks to be sure that she didn't lose her shadow.

My absence in pictures

Before her first hair-cut

After the hair-cut!  She looks so much older!

She moved out of her highchair and into her booster chair.  Such a
big girl!

One of the worst pictures of me, ever.  But hey--I'm not *that*
shallow.  I'll post bad pictures of myself too....  but only because it's of me,
my mom, Kage and my nephew.

Reading her book.  Upside down.  Minor detail.

How did she get so big?  I remember when she took up 1/4 of this crib.

My super cute new outfit from Old Navy.
Yep, it was on clearance.  And yep, I look like
a tool in this picture.  Whatever.  Admire the  outfit,
will ya?

So What Wednesday

 Link up with Shannon @ Life After I "Dew" and join me in saying So What...

• So what if I am still doing the happy dance over passing the APT exam.  It is a huge deal.  Sadly, only a huge deal to me. 
• So what if I haven't been to the gym in almost a week.  Trust me, I know how bad I suck. 
• So what if building a great tan has been a big priority to me lately.
• So what if I totally BS'd a 10 page paper yesterday.  It was due YESTERDAY and I had to skip class to write the stupid thing.  Totally F quality.
• So what if I'm totally Joy hating lately.  I am so down on myself about everything.
• So what if I'm totally digging the new Beiber perfume.  It smells amazing. (and I know that it's probably spelled wrong but I can't make myself remember how to spell it without Googling first and I'm too lazy right now.)
• 
  
  So what if I think that my new iPhone is the reason for my absent blogging.  I never have a reason to sit at my laptop anymore.